~Reflections-SFF~ Updated Chapter8 Pg24 - Page 12

Originally posted by: janeniroopa

awesome update dear. i cant wait to read next part . so plz update sooner👍🏼

It's odd how you feel lonely despite being in a crowd…a crowd of those people whom you have known since your childhood, people who are your family, friends, relatives, acquaintances…people about whom you should care…whom you should love?...but these very people, these known faces, seems so unfamiliar, almost like aliens…Why can't she be a part of them? A part of the crowd that's enjoying holi, smearing colours on each other's face, laughing, joking..Why? Why is she the one to watch the festivity from the side-lines?...cant she go and join them? What is stopping her from doing so? Yes her mom, dad, Dadisaab, Vijay bhai, everyone had come to wish her happy holi, but that was just that…a greeting, nothing more…they never persuaded her to play holi with them, to celebrate with them…well, she can't really blame them, each year she refuses to celebrate holi, and now they have stopped asking her if she wants to join or not…somehow she has ended up alienating everyone in her family, may be even her dad…now she is all alone…did she want them to drag her to play holi? Did she want that for once, just for once ,want them to forget the past and come to ask her to join them?...she did not know, if she was sad, disappointed or just plain bored...she did not know if she wants to join them or just stand there feeling lost…Jay sighed…Oh, look over there Uday and Manyata …they seemed so happy together…who would have said that a few weeks back they used to hate each other, if one sees them now laughing and chasing each other round the palace ground playing with colours…sometimes she just cant believe that it's the same Uday who wanted to use Manyata as only a stepping stone to get the Devgarh throne, the same Uday who thought nothing about emotions but only about games, politics and how to win them…he has changed…off course he will never accept it she knows it…he is a stubborn guy…has he changed for the better?...well time will only tell……Uday and Manyata's bond has definitely become stronger…Jay thought as she saw them standing together and Manyata holding Uday's arm posing for a picture, as the shutterbugs took their pictures and surrounded them like swarm of bees …..was she jealous of their bond? She always was…wasn't she? She wanted to break their bond….but what was she doing? While they allowed the press to click pictures of them together, she stood there watching them and did absolutely nothing to stop the press…weird that she did nothing to spoil their moment…why? She had her reasons though… Reasons, she was still having difficulties in accepting but they were true…

"Jay bhai..lost in your own world?" Jay suddenly heard Vijay bhai saying interrupting her thoughts….Jay smiled at him and said "No Vijay bhai, I am still in this world unfortunately…was just looking at them" Jay nodded towards Uday and Manyata.

"Off course Jay bhai…I can guess what you were thinking…must be planning how to spoil their fun…isn't it…you are evil…I tell you?" Vijay looked at Jay appreciatively.

"Vijay bhai …you really think I was thinking that?" Jay said, she could not help feeling a bit shocked that how everyone seems to have formed an idea about her, that she was incapable of thinking good about anyone, they have branded her as evil, the bad girl…

"Yeah Jay bhai…was it something else you were thinking?" Vijay said , looking a bit bewildered

"I suppose I asked for that" Sighed Jay…" Seriously Vijay Bhai..I really do sound pathetic don't I?...having just one agenda in my life, always planning how to get Uday? How to hurt Manyata jiji? How to break their friendship?... you know Vijay bhai , I am just tired of all this….tired of running after Uday…tired of wishing for something that will never happen…tired of holding onto something which was never mine…tired of hurting myself over and over again…Yes Vijay bhai , I am tired, …I am tired of destroying myself , my self-respect, my ego, my soul…I just want to get it all back…and I know plotting and planning how to get Uday will not help me get back what I lost …"

"Jay bhai? Wow…when did you turn from Rajkumari to Meenakumari?" Vijay asked rolling his eyes… "You should not give up hope, you are the Rajkumari Jainandini of Devgarh, and she never backs down, she is always the winner"

"Vijay bhai…who says I am sacrificing anything, who says that I am backing down , who says I am losing?...I am not…I am just stopping myself from getting destroyed…just holding on to whatever is left of my self-respect…I just think that may be wasting myself for Uday is not at all worth it…" Jay said a bit sadly

"So Jay bhai you are giving up Uday for your sister? , you really think Uday has fallen in love with Manyata ?" Vijay said

"You know very well Vijay Bhai , Jaynandini never gives up anyone or anything for even someone she loves let alone the person she hates….I am not giving up Uday, I am just letting go off a false hope, a wishful thinking which is not meant to come true…whether Uday loves Manyata jiji or not I don't know….whether he is still using Manyata jiji to get the throne of Devgarh or not, I don't know…whether Manyata jiji will ever love him or not , I don't know…whether Uday and Manyata jiji will ever have a future together or not I don't know…I don't know the answers to any of these questions…what I do know is that I don't want to be the person standing in the side-lines forever, waiting for a miracle to happen…If Uday ever does feel anything for me he will come to me on his own…and may be that day I will be the one to refuse him.." Jay replied.

"OMG! Jay bhai… that's what you always wanted? to make Uday come to you so that you can refuse him? …the perfect revenge?"

"May be , may be not…what I said was hypothetical…do you really feel Uday might ever come back to me?"

"Jay bhai, off course he will, for Manyata will never forget Akash….just mark my words after 3 months Manyata will still be with Akash…and this friendship of Uday and Manyata will just vanish, just as suddenly as it started. "

"I doubt it Vijay bhai…I have seen what you have not seen…the way Manyata jiji smiles at Uday, the way she looks at him, the way she likes to be with him, the way she talks about him…she will never accept it , at least for now, that Uday perhaps is not only a friend anymore, he has become much more than friend for her…but one day she will…she will accept it…and then who knows what decision she will take"

" Fine Jay bhai, lets have a bet…if you win I will do whatever you say for one whole day…and if I win you will do whatever I say for one whole day"

"Done Vijay bhai….weird…but for the first time I hope I will lose" Jay said smiling a bit.

"I hope so too Jay bhai…till now you have always come out as a winner ….but if you lose this bet, you will come out as the winner in real sense…and I always want to see you win" Vijay smiled.

Suddenly Jay saw , Unnati sneaking upon Vijay and before she could warn him, Unnati smeared Vijay's face with colour … Vijay screamed aloud and while trying to rub off the colour he started to run saying "OMG!! I am under attack again, was that Jungle Queen not enough that you are also coming to kill me?"….Unnati was laughing and with her hands full of colour, she shouted at Vijay…"Vijay banna , come on this colour will not kill you"…Unnati then turned towards Jay and put some colour on her face too and said "Happy holi Jay…why are you standing here? …come with us"

"You go on Unnati, I am fine here …in any case I am not really being missed " Jay said with a hint of hurt in her tone.

Unnati just shook her head in regret as if she understood that no amount of her coaxing can make Jay come with her, "As you wish" she said and left Jay standing all alone yet again.

There…she did it again…she again pushed away someone from herself…a person who genuinely wanted her to be happy on this day of festivity, who wanted her to be a part of the enjoyment….she always does the same thing over and over again…and then ends up being all alone…..she feels so helpless sometime…. She wished there was someone who could understand her….who would just be there with her, may be silently, but as a rock on whom she could lean for support, someone who would comfort her every time she feels alone, someone who would guide her every time she takes a wrong decision, someone who would hold her hand and steer her towards the right path every time she takes the wrong turn…may be this is why she feels so jealous when she sees Uday and Manyata together…..Manyata has not realised that yet, but Uday is the one who always is there for her when she is down, when she wants support, when she needs to make some decision, when she needs guidance…Uday was to Manyata what Jay wanted for herself…Did she really mean what she said to Vijay bhai? That she wanted Uday to come to her so that she can refuse him?...what does she really feel about Uday? It's really confusing….Jay closed her eyes and tried to clear her head….as she did that she began to see a hazy image in her mind, a person smiling, whose presence seemed so comforting, a person who is familiar to her, yet a stranger…was that Uday?…no, she did not think so…who was he?...suddenly her phone began to ring, which made her eyes jerk open…she blinked and looked at the phone in her hand ….the call was from an undisclosed number…Jay frowned and decided to answer the call…"Hello…" she said tentatively

"Happy holi , Bad Girl" said a voice from the other end…Jay clutched her phone tightly instinctively… there was only one person may be in this entire world who can refer to her like that…somewhere in her heart she wanted it to be that person , but at the same time she was afraid of the very fact that its going to be him….she never felt this way before...a mixture of fear and desire, a combination which is lethal but at the same time gives an odd sense of satisfaction…Jay took a deep breath and then trying to keep her voice calm she said " Who is this?"..

"Come on …your memory cannot be that bad…you forgot me so soon?...I thought you wanted to contact me" she heard him say chuckling.

"And I thought you wanted fate to decide if we should meet again or not….but I guess you decided to go against it." Jay replied back

"So you do remember me….thats a positive sign…and no I did not go against fate…it was fate who made me call you…I just wanted to know if the mysterious girl whom I encountered one fateful night is having a happy holi or not" replied the voice ….Jay could just imagine the devilish smile on his face while saying all these…how she wished she could tell him that her holi was far from being happy, it never was ever…how she wished she could tell him that she wanted to get out of here…how she wished she could tell him that how badly she wanted that for once her holi becomes really happy…..she wanted to tell…coming to think of it why the hell she wants to tell all these to him at all? …she does not even know him properly…yet she felt she had known him all her life, the way he spoke to her, his voice, it gave her a sense of comfort, a relief…Jay quickly composed herself and said

"How did you get my number?"

"Nothing is impossible for Aditya Chauhan"

"Can you stop boasting?...God you are so arrogant" Jay replied feeling irritated at his reply

"I am not boasting at all…seriously nothing is impossible for me…Ok sorry…I actually got your number from the form for privileged customers that you had filled up in the hotel, you were clutching it in your hands when I took you to my penthouse….I kept that form with me, unfortunately the form was incomplete, it just had your name and number, and nothing else…so I could not submit it on behalf of you….but yeah it helped me contacting you again" Aditya replied laughing a bit

Jay could not help sighing in relief that Aditya did not know anything about her real identity, thank god for the incomplete form…but again did he know? He might just…else who was that person who had saved her the humiliation from press, from the wrath of her family… that anonymous caller?…she wanted to ask him what he knew about her….but she feared the answer….it was so much better to think that he knew nothing about her, her identity, or her family….

Jay then replied mocking him "So much for fate!..."

"You are still having doubts that fate played no role in making me contact you? It was fate that made me take a second glance while throwing away crumpled papers, it was fate that while doing so I retrieved your form, and it was fate that I noticed your name and phone number there…you will call it coincidence, but I prefer to call it fate…for is it not fate that decides what should be coincidence, and what should be planned?

"So it was also fate that made you want to call me I presume?" Jay retorted

"Off course yes….when I saw your name and number, I understood, I had to call you …this was the very reason out of all the waste papers this one caught my eyes …"

"You are really a weird person…when I wanted to contact you refused, you even refused to give your contact number…you told me that you will let fate decide if we meet again or not…and then you yourself contact me….that too from an undisclosed number…why so secretive may I know?" Jay replied

"I am not secretive…neither did I try to be a mysterious person…all the things I told you about myself…they were true….as for my number...yes I like to keep it private…I don't like anyone calling me…I prefer to make the first move…take it as my drawback if you want…I am like that" Aditya said , his voice sounded a bit grim.

Jay could not find anything to retort back at him…did she make the same mistake yet again? Was she again pushing someone away from her, who genuinely seemed to want to get to know her? She did not want to….but it was her nature and she had always been like that….and its very difficult to change yourself …somehow she is now understanding what Manyata felt like when she was asked to turn herself into a princess overnight, when all her life she was just a common girl from a chawl…it was and is difficult for Manyata to change herself…just like she is finding it difficult to change herself…this realisation suddenly made her sympathize with her elder sister….she must put at least a bit of an effort to change herself…may be this is the time?...this time she will not make the same mistake…this time she won't let someone go just because of her arrogant attitude…yes her ego has been hurt…for it was the first time in her whole life that someone had refused to act like the way she wanted him to…it was always she who made everyone go crazy while she managed to remain calm…but here it was him that was turning her crazy….it was always she who managed to remain a mystery to others, while here it was him who has managed to be a mystery to her …it had been always her decision that used to get an upper hand over the other person she was with….but here it was him who is deciding everything…from whether they should meet again or not , contact again or not…to everything else…and she hated it….no one tells Rajkumari Jaynandini what to do and what not to…one part of her wanted to cut the call and go back to being the same old lonely Jay…while the other part wanted to keep talking to him...it was like a never ending struggle inside her….she needed to decide …and fast…can she for once throw away her ego and let her heart do whatever it wants?...may be just once…Jay swallowed hard and then replied "Umm…well..fine if you don't want to give your number…but may I know if you are in town?"

"I am sorry…I am not at present" Aditya said…his voice sounded normal, but Jay felt her heart sinking at the thought they might not get to meet again…then she heard him continue " But I was thinking it wont be a bad idea if we do meet again….though I am not in town now…I will be there tomorrow….i will call you at night and give you the address where we will meet….lets meet at 12:00 pm sharp"

"Why is it that its you who always decides what do, when to do, how to do, where to go? Do I even get a chance to decide anything at all?" Jay found herself fuming, she did not know when she had lost control of her temper…but she just could not take it that while this person is taking every damn decision about them, she does not even get to participate in it at all..its like she is invisible.

"Hey hold on ….there is no need to get worked up like that…I did not know you wanted to fix the meeting place…I just wanted to show you something, and its like a surprise….but if you want to decide another venue and time…I am fine with that too…the surprise will have to wait I suppose.." Aditya said

"Oh..no…errmm..I am sorry…I just lost it…uhh… surprise?...ok..then…err…I will let you take me wherever you want this time…but next time I decide everything" Jay replied feeling both unsettled and embarrassed by the way she had behaved.

"Sure dear…next time anything you say " Aditya said laughing lightly…"Bye Bad girl …see you soon" Saying that he cut the call…Jay looked down at the blank screen of her phone, then looked around herself…. everything was the same… people laughing, throwing colours at each other, enjoying, the same chaos that was there before, yet she was not the same anymore, its surprising how a phone call of about 15 mins could make her feel so differently…her loneliness, her sadness, her anger everything has vanished within a jiffy and in its place an odd sense of happiness has taken over , a feeling which made her almost light headed, she was not used to this feeling…Jay saw Manyata and Uday standing at a distance from her, they seemed to be engrossed in a serious conversation, it looked like Manyata was upset over something and Uday was comforting her…..if she would have seen this a few moments ago, she would have probably fumed, sighed, and cursed herself for not being able to be in the place of Manyata….but now in a very weird way it did not bother her at all….it did not matter to her how close Uday and Manyata were standing, how they are talking, how Uday was comforting her…she felt nothing seeing them together, no rage, no jealousy, nothing…it was as if they have ceased to exist for her, and for the first time she felt that she does not care if she fails in destroying the friendship of Uday and Manyata…if she fails in getting Uday…all these seemed to have become almost inconsequential…of no importance at all.

"Hi Jay"…said a voice which brought back Jay from her reverie….she saw it was Uday who had spoken…she was so lost in her thoughts that she had not noticed when Uday had walked upto her and was standing infront her…Jay looked at him in surprise, and said "Hi Uday, have you lost your way?"

"I don't think so…" Uday replied with a smile

"Really? Well this is a surprise…you coming to meet me? I thought you preferred to avoid me" Jay said sarcastically.

"Yes I do….but have you ever wondered why?" quipped Uday

"Who cares why…I just know that you hate me…I am really not interested in knowing why…as I had told you once we are very much alike…maybe that's why you hate me…who likes to see their own reflection…that too when its not pretty…"

"I agree we are similar to some extent…but your reflection? I don't think so…and even if I am , I don't dislike you for that…You know, I never thought you would have such a low opinion about yourself that you would think I would hate myself to be like you? ……I don't hate you Jay …never did….you should know that…yeah I dislike you…I dislike you because you keep trying to make me like you …I dislike you because you keep trying to turn me against Manyata…I dislike you because you keep trying to force me into falling in love with you…"

"Don't you do the same with Manyata jiji ? "

"There is a difference between that Jay…I have let Manyata decide what she wants to choose…yes I never denied the fact that I want Manyata to choose me…I have never denied that I would do anything to make her say yes to me…but I have also realised that forcing her to like me will only make me lose her…and I don't want that…it's better to let her decide what she wants…I will wait for that day…and accept whatever she decides…"

"So you will accept it if Manyata jiji chooses Akash over you even after these 3 months?"

"I cannot say how it will affect me…may be I will be disappointed, may be even hurt ….but I wont give up…I will make sure that while taking any decision Manyata will consider me for once…"

"Good luck with that Uday…" Jay said irritated.

"I wonder Jay why are we talking about Manyata and me, when I came here to talk about us" Uday said with a slight smile on his lips.

"Us? Is there still an Us, Uday? I thought you have destroyed the existence of "us", the day you got back your childhood friend Manyata back….that day you forgot the only other friend you had, the person who had always stood by you no matter what you did, you forgot that you left her on the day of her Roka, you forgot that you broke off the engagement with her, you forgot that you broke someone's heart…." Jay said bitterly

Uday looked a bit taken aback by the emotional outburst of Jay…he remained quiet for some time and then replied in a soft voice, "I never knew my actions hurt you so much Jay…you are right Jay, I forgot you….I forgot to think about you, to think what you would feel…I was mean and selfish…and perhaps I am still mean with you….Jay, today when I came here to talk to you, it was because I had realized that somewhere I was wrong with you….its not that what you do is right…but that does not give me any right to humiliate you…to be rude to you…you know its very hard for me to accept my mistake and to apologize….but I am going to do that today….I am sorry Jay…sorry for hurting you, for being so mean with you….the "us" still exists, its just that our equations have changed, but the "us" that made Jay and Uday will always remain….our bond can never break…the friendship that we had may have gotten lost somewhere in these few months , but it has not been destroyed…"

"Its nice of you to apologize Uday, I appreciate it….but its difficult for me to go back to the friendship that we once shared…I don't think it would ever happen again…for its easy to get your heart broken but it takes years to mend it…and I have not gotten over it yet….I hope one day we again become 'us', not the way we were or how I wanted it to be, but may be In a different way" Jay replied sadly.

"Do I take it that you have forgiven me? " Uday replied

"Does it really matter if I forgive you or not?"

"It does…to me…for old times' sake at least"

"Old times…funny isn't it?...how our memories of togetherness have become something of a distant past….we are now tagging it as "old times" ….time flies or is it that time has just changed?"

"Both, I guess….time has flown, everything and everyone around us have changed, we like to deny it…we like to live in ignorance, because it makes us feel safer, secured….but in the end we have to accept it…"

"Yeah I suppose so…I have accepted the change Uday, but I need time to come in terms with it….its difficult for me to accept these changes… I am really trying hard…I hope you understand " Jay sighed

"I do…and I will wait for the day when you will accept the things the way they are with all your heart…may be then you will be able to forgive me in real sense….happy holi , Jay ...and I am glad that you are trying to accept the change"…Uday smiled and slowly turned around making his way back into the crowd of festivity , leaving Jay to deal with a new turmoil in her mind, in her heart…will she really be able to accept the change with all her heart? Can she ever forgive Uday ? Can she ever forgive her family? Can she ever accept Manyata as her sister?...she will try.. and that's all she could promise herself……