PART NINE
to have a sister
Jainandini
I don't know how I got home. Or how I pulled myself together. All I know is that somewhere between the sobbing and tears, I managed to call Manyata. It's ironic isn't it? That this individual who I had hated with a passion so strong and a distain so deep, would end up being the one person who saves me from this pain. I feel so stupid, there was a time when I had thought the loss of Uday was too great to fathom, but I now have something greater to compare it to: Heartbreak. It isn't romantic, soft or beautiful as books and movies make it out to be. It's as if someone has taken a hot knife and stabbed it through my chest, twisting it about, as if a hand is covering my mouth preventing me from breathing the tears streaming down my face are wet, salty and seem to be endless. I get up, clinging to the sheet, and look for my clothes. They're scattered around the room, from the door to the bed. His tie, my shirt, his shirt, my belt and so forth. And suddenly I feel this shame. This unprecedented amount of shame. If I had simply waited, left last night and told him the truth, perhaps his reaction would be different. Perhaps he'd listen. Perhaps he'd still love me. I pull on my cloths which aren't even mine and make my way to the washroom. I need to get a hold of myself. I need to pull it together. I wash my face, but even that seems impossible. His tooth brush is laying on the sink, his cologne, his soap. I hear the knock and go to open the door. It's Manyata, and I can honestly say I've never been so glad to see her. Suddenly, the miniscule composure I had accumulated falls to pieces. I fall into her arms and hold on tight, she doesn't ask questions, she doesn't judge or scold me- she holds me back, her hands smoothing my hair.
Manyata: Jai, come on inside first.
She doesn't stop and stare at his cloths on the floor, or pay attention to the rumpled bed. She simply sits me down and opens up the oversized Gucci Purse she was holding. Takes out a tooth brush, toothpaste, shampoo and conditioner from a zip lock bag, and then proceeds to take out a dark blue dress, undergarments and accessories.
Manyata: The press is outside, doing their best to get in. This is Uday's hotel, so there is some way we can manage to get out unseen. But just in case, you need to look put together.
She sits down and holds my hand.
Manyata: I won't ask you anything Jai. That's your business. But I'm telling you this, you need to hold you head high when you walk out that door. You've done nothing wrong. Let them speculate, that's all it is. You've stayed in this hotel before: It's the story of the week, so let it be just that. A story.
Manyata: Jeeji. What would you do if this happened to you?
Manyata: I don't know Jai.
Manyata: Would you have done it?
Manyata: Sleep with Uday?
I nod solemnly, and she sighs.
Manyata: I don't know Jai. I guess we've had ample opportunity, but the thing with Uday is that everything with him is the first time. First kiss, first embrace. I may be older but I'm not as experienced.
I feel like I've been slapped. She thinks I'm some s**t and this was easy for me! As if I've slept around! I asked for her help, not for her judgment. And the hurt dissipates, replaced by anger and flames. I pull my hand away from hers, and want to yell- in my mind I swear I thought it was yelling- but instead a broken voice comes from my lips, hurt and shattered beyond repair.
Manyata: He was my first. I thought he would be the last. I may dress differently, and act differently then you, but I had waited for the one. I thought he was the one.
I look down at the wooden floor at my feet. The tears blurring my vision as Manyata pulled me into her arms, apologizing, murmuring, and holding me tight.
Manyata: I'm sorry J. So so sorry.
I took her apology and held it close, I know she's sorry. Just not as sorry as I am.
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We had made it out of the media fray with a few camera's flashing, Manyata and I had walked side by side as we made our way to the discreet black Lexus, photographers flashed their cameras and yelled out their questions, body guards pushed up against us to prevent them from coming any closer, once we were in the car, we still weren't free, as they beat up against the windows, behind the tinted glass I still kept the oversized Versace shades over my eyes. They were like a shield, protecting me.
Manyata: Driver, take us home.
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Sleep was the best escape from it all, from him, from the dreams, from my reality. It was where I could think of him coming back, wonder what would come next, where I wouldn't have to answer questions. My parents had essentially ignored me. Mom had come in once or twice while I laid there half asleep, running her fingers through my hair and kissing my forehead. DS had issued a statement saying that the media was acting irresponsibly, that the entire Royal House was staying at the hotel and to imply anything more was hearsay. She was right- but so was the media. Dad didn't know what to do, he was ashamed - yes- but he was more irritated with the media. Uday was apparently trying to get a hold of Yash, from the murmurs outside my room at least that was my understanding. The only constant there, was Manyata. She would sit with me, watch a movie, and read. I don't know how the days passed or where the time went. I just know I wasn't me anymore. I didn't care to eat, dress, go out or have anything to do with the world. It was like he had taken a part of me when he had left. Left me with nothing, and taken everything.
_____________________________
Yash
I had never wanted my mother more than I did now. This anger, and betrayal was just too much to bare. How could she do this to me? Not tell me the truth, of who I am, where I come from- why she was so alone. How could she lie to me? Use me? Manipulate me?
I don't know who I'm angrier at. My mom. Or her. What do I call her now? Refer to her as? Jai? Jainandini? Nandini? Who is she to me? Do I still love her? Do I still want her? What does it all mean?
My mind doesn't have enough space for all of these questions.
All I know is that I'm sitting on a first class flight back to New York, and I'm getting Drunk. Really Drunk. The hostess brings me another tumbler of scotch and I gulp it down without thinking. In grey sweat pants, rumpled hair, and a white t-shirt I look like I've stepped out of bed, which I literally have. It's not even lunch time yet, and here I am, so disjointed and out of it. This isn't me. But what is me again?
The woman in the aisle over is smiling at me, trying to catch my eye, and I feel like screaming at her, "You woman are ALL the same" but I hold my tongue and close my eyes.
I can't even close my eyes.
Her face is in front of mine again, from last night. The trust, the fear, the faith. Her smile, her flushed cheeks. Everything. But then, I hear those voices again- the new reporter from the TV. Perhaps it wasn't even that, but when I had stepped out of the hotel, the media had been stalking the hotel, yelling out questions: "When is the wedding"; "Did you and Rajkumari Jainandini have an affair before you found out you were a prince?"; "Was she the one who convinced you to accept your royal title"; "will she be the force which helps you rule Ravgard?"
I let go of the tumbler, before I crack it with my hands, and try to focus on the business reports for my consulting firm. I've never been into the schematics of design, but financing and consulting are something I've always been good with. Engineering is just something I do on the side. I try, but I can't get my mind into the file- the alcoholic buzz is seeping into my veins finally. I look at my phone and there are a few dozen text messages from my sisters, asking about what's going on, and about 10 missed calls from Uday. I shut off my phone and ignore the world. Ignore everything around me. What's the point after all? Everyone lies.
_______________________
When I entered my apartment, I shouldn't have been surprised to see them sitting there. Looking angry. After all, I had given each of my sisters a key in case of an emergency. I guess this qualified in their books.
My entire life, I've been babied. My sisters have loved me to a degree which knows no bounds- they're my half-sisters of course, but never have I felt any difference, resentment or hatred from them. In fact, I've been more of their baby then my mother's at times. Mina and Nina had only been 6 when I had been born, Mia was only 2 and half years my senior. They were my friends, parents, protectors, and consultants- soliciting advice even when it wasn't needed.
They came at once like a swarm of bees, but only Nina held on tight, she was a full foot shorter than me, but her three inch heals helped ease the difference. Shorter or not, her embrace was of a parent, she ran her hands lovingly down my face, running her fingers through my hair and settled on my tired eyes.
Nina: Yash, what's wrong? What happened? What's going on in the news?
I signed as I was pulled towards the sectional and settled down. With mom and dad gone, the girls had become even more protective, even we had all been adults when they had been taken away. My sisters were my rock. I take in a deep breath and start. Right from the beginning, how I bumped into this lovely girl, and just sort of looked at her and felt "She's the one- that's her! It's her!" I didn't even feel embarrassed admitting I loved her as soon as I laid eyes on her. I do feel stupid as I reiterate the rest. This game, this game that these royals play of getting what you want at all costs; whether that be to throw someone at them to get into their head, deceive them and play with their emotions, or try to emotionally blackmail them into doing something. How long had they been up to this? Devgard and Ravghard? How long had they been plotting this alliance? How long did it take for them to convince Na...Jainandini to do this? Was a royal title and the potential to be queen all it took? Was that really it?
His sisters were silent after he spilled his heart out. Exhausted from the trip, and slightly hung over, he simply bid them a good evening and went to his room. Sleep came easy, but at a price. Hers was the only face he saw and that haunted him throughout the night.
___________________________________
2&1/5 Months later
Jainandini
The flight to London has been exhausting. Everything is just in a hurry and out pacing me. I almost can't keep up with the people around me. Perhaps it's because Manyata has been stepping up to the plate more and more. Ever since that night of the Children's Gala, she has been taking over the royal duties and apperances that I once did. Which is good. As Queen, that will be her job ultimately, but she's not doing it as a princess- but as my Jeeji. Her attending these events leaves me to my misery. I do my best not to think about it, but it's there. This constant worry about Yash. How he is. What he's doing. If he'll ever be with me again. We've tried calling him and contacting him- at least Uday has. But he has, by all accounts that I know of- ignored is calls. Rajendra- his grandfather- has spoken to DS and they've decided that any alliance will have to wait until Yash and Rajendra reconcile. That being said, both DS and Rajendra were immensely pleased with discovering that Yash and I already knew each other. Unknowingly I had done the biggest favour to Devgard. I choose a prince that would be an asset to them. My falling in love only made DS more comfortable and assured that Yash and I will work out. We'll come together and Devgard and Ravgard will be aligned just like Jaigard and Devgard are set to be.
The only issue is, no one cares to notice that the love of my life thinks I've deceived him. He thinks it was a master scheme to coerce him into this empire that he doesn't want. I'm a criminal in his eyes and I can't even explain myself to him because he won't let me!
I'm taken out of my miserable thoughts my Jeeji telling me we're landing. I give her a faint smile and try to do my best. The Oxford Ball. I'm going for one reason and one reason alone. To see him. I don't even know if he'll be there, but I'm taking the gamble to see if he's there. At least if I see him face to face...I might be able to explain myself. Tell him how it was just a sick coincidence of fate, and that I still love him, and we don't have to unite any kingdoms. Just be together as Yash and Nandini. That's all I want now.
If someone had asked me a few months ago if I would be willing to not be a princess. If there was anything in the world that would make me forget my royal title, I would have laughed in their face. But now, I know that there is something that would make me forget it all. Love. I would give it all up to be with the man I love: If only he'll agree to have me.
______________________________________
The small boutique was hidden in the downtown core. The dcor opulent and classy, and a passer by would wonder what was hidden behind the heavy opaque glass with the "MDCCXXXI" Written in golden letters. The shop had originally been "Johnson & Son est, 1731" But numerous wars later and different buyers later the shop was simply called "MDCCXXXI" Otherwise known as "1731" The year it was established, in Roman Numerals. For most walking by it meant nothing- but for the rich, famous and royal it was a hide away with the best designers and clothing. All for a very nice price tag of course.
Manyata and Jai had come here 6 weeks ago to pick out their dresses and have them fitted, and now that they were back in London with the ball a few nights away the final fittings were in order.
Manyata was stuck between two gowns, a Valentino and an up and coming designed known as Elia. Wondering which to go with Jai had convinced her sister that both gowns were made for her and had to be purchased.
J: Honestly Jeeji, you can't pick one over the other
M: It's such a waste of money Jai!
J: No it's not. Are you going to wear them?
M: Of course I would wear them! I don't have clothes in my closet just to fill up space unlike someone I know!
J: Someone's got to support the poor fashion designers. Consider it my doing public sevaa jeeji
M: As if! Gah. You're right. It's beautiful. They're both beautiful.
Smiling in the stunning white gown, Manyata sat down beside her sister only to see agony on her face.
M: Hey, remember we said this is going to be a fun trip? No sadness. Right?
J attempted a smile and rested her head on her sister's shoulder.
The one positive out of the whole Fiasco with Yash had been that Manyata had been there to console her sister. Pick up the pieces and parts of Jai that she didn't even realize were falling apart. Movie nights, talking about books...or forcing Jai to eat were all moments these two shared that would never have happened if not for the pain of heart break. A bond forged from the tears of sorrow was often the most resilient of them all, and these two sisters felt stronger together then they ever could divided.
M: Ja, try on your gown. And try to look the like the vixen you are. This whole Dukhi Devi thing doesn't suit you at all!
J: Shut up Jeeji!
Smacking her sister's arm she grinned and went into the room to try on her custom fitted gown. A golden green she had seen the fabric and instantly thought of Yash's eyes. The yards of silk created a fitted strapless bust and torso that seamlessly ran into a river of silk. Eyeing the beautiful classic piece she suddenly felt self-conscious. The nights of junk food were catching up to her and she didn't think she could fit into this. Motivation had been lacking the last few weeks and exercise had become a thing of the past...this dress wasn't going to fit. She could feel it.
Attempting her best smile of confidence, she did her best to slip in, the attendant tried to help her, but she couldn't pull the tight gown over her thicker waist and hips. Half in, half out, she couldn't control herself anymore. The silly lump stuck in her throat made an odd sound and suddenly breathing was hard. Gasps of airs pulsed through her as the tears came running out. She couldn't help herself, but this seemed to be the last straw. She was disgraced. Alone. And now...fat. She sobbed and sobbed, sitting on the platform, surrounded by mirrors that should have shown her as being glamorous and refined. Instead, mascara was leaking down her eyes, and she was sitting in the dress, with the bust undone and a cream strapless bra. Hearing the commotion, Manyata didn't hesitate to run inside and was at a loss for words at her baby sister sobbing her heart out. Running to her side, she pulled her into her arms.
M: Jai! Kya hua?? What's wrong?
Jai tried to get the words out but couldn't. Unable to understand her Manyata simply looked at the attended and spoke calmly.
M: Please give us a moment. Perhaps go for a coffee break or something. Please shut the door behind you.
Normally this would be a question, but coming out of Manyata, it was just a statement of fact- not a request.
Holding her sister's face in her hands, she forced her to look her in the eye.
M: Calm down Jai. Shhh. You have to breathe and you have to tell me whats wrong. What's going on.
J: I...I... God. Jeeejeee.
Having heard enough of her unintelligible cries, Manyata decided to shake her sister.
M: JAI! BAAS KAR! CHUP KAR KE BATHA KEY KYA HUA!?
Sobering up, Jai attempted to collect herself, and whip her face but tears still watered down.
J: Jeeji...I'm fat. ...I- I can't fit into this dress. I can't even pull it past my hips...what's happening to me.
Manyata, although thought this was such a petty problem, couldn't just leave her sister stuck in the dress. Sighing, she pulled Jai up and looked at the bodice. Pulling it up was no good, so she looked upwards to the sky and decided she should just help her get out of it. That's when she went still. J didn't look fat at all. There wasn't a roll or softness about her stomach...there was a slight curve. So little you wouldn't think about it at all- it wouldn't occur to you. But something about it sent a shiver down her spine. Silently she helped her sister out of the dress and called the attendant, speaking through the door.
M: I want an A- line gown. Flowing, not fitted. No corset for the bodice. Colour, designed, price. Nothing matters but these requirements. Understood?
Like efficient staff the woman went to work while Manyata went inside to check up on Jai. Her sister was so lost in her misery...she most likely wasn't even thinking about anything else. She didn't want to scare her but Manyata had her suspicions.
M: Jai, what have you been eating lately?
Jai thought about it and looked at her quizzically.
J: The same stuff as you- whatever you've been feeding me...plus vats and vats of chocolate ice cream.
Unaware of any change in her body besides the dress not fitting Jai walked about in the fine quality Victoria's Secret undergarments. Not looking at herself. Her chest was swelling against the cups of her bra, her hips were wider...she was different from a few months ago.
Holding her breath Manyata tried to think of what to say. How to get this point across while being diplomatic.
M: Jai...have you been sick lately?
J: No. I'm fine.
M: Have you...have you felt nauseous?
J: No. Only a couple times after I'd had a crap load of ice cream the nights before. Why? What's going on Jeeji. Are you sick?
Manyata shook her head and wrung her fingers in disbelief. Jai literally wasn't thinking of anything other than Yash's lose. Not anything that could be a consequence of their time spent together. This stupid, foolish girl.
J: Jee, what's going on?
M to herself: What am I going to do? How do I suggest this gently to her without freaking out?
The knock on the room door snapped Manyata's train of thought and offered an exit. The attendant brought in the gown, a stunning peach colour in a light and airy chiffon material. It' flowed beautifully, and the only embellishing on the gown was the bust where the halter top was covered in Champaign crystals.
J: Oh Jeeji, it's beautiful.
Attendant: Is this alright Princess?
Manyata: Yes...this will do. Thank you. I'll help my sister in for now.
Slipping on the dress, Jai looked in the mirror and met her sister's worried eyes.
J: What's going on Jeeji- the gown is gorgeous.
Manyata: It is Jai... Do you like the way it feels? Does it feel alright?
Not taking the hint Jai simply responded honestly to her sister
J: It's lovely. It doesn't hug me like the other one so fitting isn't a problem...and it's so elegant, yet simple! Thank you so much!
Unable to control herself she leaped into her sisters arms to thank her for once again making something actually go write.
Holding on Manyata ran her fingers through Jai's hair, soothing her and making the fear go away. For now at least. Give her a few more days. No point in making her nervous before the ball. Let her talk to Yash first...
____________________________________
Jainandini
Dinner something I forced myself to eat for the sake of Jeeji, even though the salad was less than appetizing. She had told me that I better eat the meal before she went off to spend time with Uday. I could only imagine what they were "up to" in his hotel room- but then again, I do think Manyata has more sense than me and can easily resist Uday's charm. I however, was too easily caught up with Yash. I don't know why I didn't wait. There was this urgency that I couldn't slow down. He needed me and I so desperately needed him. That night...it was so much more than any cheesy romance novel can depict: more raw- intense and so much sweatier than anyone can explain. Yet, it was wonderful. With the right person, I imagine it's always wonderful. Standing up to wash my hands...this odd sense of nausea is settling over me. Rushing over to the restroom I barely make it to the toilet before hurling up the little kale and chicken I had managed to eat. Sweat is beading on my forehead and my stomach is doing jumping jacks. Dear god, what have I eaten? I need to do something, nothing is settling down during the evenings, and I'm not hungry otherwise. It's like I'm preg..
Oh god. Oh no. No no no no no. I can't even finish the thought. Sitting on the pristine marble floor, I gather my legs up to my chest and rest my back against the cool white walls. It wasn't the ice cream making me fat. I wasn't throwing up from eating unhealthy food. How could I be so blind? Was I subconsciously ignoring all of these signs? I can't help the tears from falling over onto my cheeks. And soon the tears turned into sobs. How could I make such a mess of everything? What the hell am I going to do? How am I going to fix this.
This? Suddenly it creeps up on me...this...this is a baby. I'm having a baby. Yash's baby.
________________________
I don't know who else to run to but I wash my face and run down the hall to Uday's suite and bang on the door without regard. To hell with their privacy and alone time now. I need Jeeji. Oh God. She'll know what to do. She'll help me. She won't judge me. I'm barely holding on. The point of washing my face is totally obsolete because the tears are staring again. Control yourself Jai. Control yourself. Hold on for a few more minutes. You can't break down in the middle of this hall way. Not now. Not now damnit!
I can't wait any longer and I yell for her.
Me: Jeeji! Jeeji!
It must not have been that long because in a matter of seconds Uday had the door open and Jee was holding me close. She was so warm. She was like a second home now.
Manyata: Jai, look at me sweetie what's wrong?
I look down at her since I'm taller, and I can see the worry etched in her face. I also here this snort of laugher making its way from Uday before he lets it all out.
Manyata: Jai, Kya hua?
Men. Stupid Men. I don't care how much Uday loves Manyata- they're all the same at the end of the day. They hold all the power. They hold our hearts in their hands. Why the hell am I feeling so vulnerable right now? To hell with Uday. To hell with men in general!
Me: You shouldn't be here Jeeji.
Jee looks at me with concern, holding my face closer and whipping my tears.
Uday: She's a big Girl J, she can be wherever she wants.
I was a big girl too. And did whatever I wanted. Look what it's getting me know! I want to shout it out but I hold it in. We need to leave. I need her help.
Me: Jeeji, we should leave. You shouldn't be alone with him like this.
Uday scoffed at her frightened tone.
Uday: Are you SERIOUS? What do you think I'm going to do J?
Love her. Leave her. Maybe make her Pregnant. No Jai, that's not Uday and Manyata...that's you and Yash.
Me: Break her heart.
That's not Uday and Manyata either. That's also me and Yash...
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OK! So, here it is. The long over due part nine! I had about 2 pages saved on MS word from way back when, and the other 6 I typed out today!
Sorry it's not a Jayash type of post, but the theme was sibling bonds today. "To have a sister" is not only for Jai but also for Yash. Who has three lovely sisters. Sisters (siblings in general) are something that are both a blessing and a curse. They can annoy you as hell, but when push comes to shove you'll realize how much of a blessing that bond can be.
Please don't hold anything back and let me know what you thought. Keep in mind this was my second attempt back on writing. So it might be a bit more sloppy or rushed compared to before!
Have a great weeked guys! I look forward to hearing your comments! 🤗
Edited by reeha...k - 11 years ago
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