Monogamy? - Page 2

Whatever gamy it is.. It's bad, when you are cheating yourself. Be true to yourself and fair to other people you are connected to 😛

Originally posted by: Beyond_the_Veil

Or rather yet, you can take pretty much any words from the dictionary and add gamy to it. 😆

And from what I got from you, I think you are implying that since human beings generally are not meant to be sexually monogamous, lifelong monogamy might lead to cheating and stuffs. Right? Is that what you were trying to say?

Serious reply coming later. And also to that God thread. Let my fu**ing exam end for once and all in a few hours. 🥳

The true meaning of marriage is put to test, and what happens to till-death-do-us-part...Doesn't part of committing to someone else is knowing that person will be there for you through thick and thin, in sickness and in health? And if your thin or sick happens to come when your partner is out screwing around with someone else I would think it would be very hard not to feel hurt or betrayed or cheated. To me monogamy is just a clever way having your cake and eating it too, it's a choice!Though it doesn't come naturally and sometimes it requires negotiation between partners but the fact remains that in the end you can either have that cake or you can eat it, but you simply can't have it both ways.

A serious reply 😆

Originally posted by: -Aarya-

@RTH + @Beyond_the_Veil, Monogamy is considered cheating and exists as the only rational choice to have one's emotional and sexual desires met in a culture that believes in open marriages.

I didn't understand this bit. I can understand monogamy being considered like "cheating" in a culture that believes in open marriages. An open marriage is based on the premise that all people engaged in the marriage are free to seek emotional and sexual fulfillment with whomever they wish – clinging to just one person would be considered a betrayal of this expectation of openness. So it would be the opposite of conventional marriage. However, I don't get how it is the only rational choice in a culture of open marriages. If a culture that accepts and encourages open marriages exists, wouldn't poly-amorous relationships become the norm and rational choice?

I think monogamy and polygamy are both natural to humans. It is natural for humans to be driven by hormones and have sexual relations with several people. It is also natural for humans to development attachment to one person and want to permanently be with them.

Monogamy is not that far out or merely a social construct. Jealousy, possessiveness, desire are very innate qualities of human behavior. When we really like someone, we feel possessive about them. We desire their attention and feel jealous if it goes elsewhere. Even kids who are not sexually or romantically aware develop deep rooted possessiveness about friends and make "BFF" pacts etc. It is human nature. If a human meets someone who sparks that sort of desire and possessiveness, and they are willing to sacrifice their own freedom to sleep around to get that love and attention – they engage in monogamous relationships. And it is not just sexual desire or possessiveness – it entails a lot more like an emotional desire to feel loved, cared for and protected by that person and to give the same back to them, an emotional jealousy when that person cares for or pays attention to someone other than you, a social desire to be able to share life, and its ups and downs with that person and a social jealousy when that person shares their life with others.

Originally posted by: return_to_hades

I didn't understand this bit. I can understand monogamy being considered like "cheating" in a culture that believes in open marriages. An open marriage is based on the premise that all people engaged in the marriage are free to seek emotional and sexual fulfillment with whomever they wish ' clinging to just one person would be considered a betrayal of this expectation of openness. So it would be the opposite of conventional marriage. However, I don't get how it is the only rational choice in a culture of open marriages. If a culture that accepts and encourages open marriages exists, wouldn't poly-amorous relationships become the norm and rational choice?

I think monogamy and polygamy are both natural to humans. It is natural for humans to be driven by hormones and have sexual relations with several people. It is also natural for humans to development attachment to one person and want to permanently be with them.

Monogamy is not that far out or merely a social construct. Jealousy, possessiveness, desire are very innate qualities of human behavior. When we really like someone, we feel possessive about them. We desire their attention and feel jealous if it goes elsewhere. Even kids who are not sexually or romantically aware develop deep rooted possessiveness about friends and make "BFF" pacts etc. It is human nature. If a human meets someone who sparks that sort of desire and possessiveness, and they are willing to sacrifice their own freedom to sleep around to get that love and attention ' they engage in monogamous relationships. And it is not just sexual desire or possessiveness ' it entails a lot more like an emotional desire to feel loved, cared for and protected by that person and to give the same back to them, an emotional jealousy when that person cares for or pays attention to someone other than you, a social desire to be able to share life, and its ups and downs with that person and a social jealousy when that person shares their life with others.

Is it still open marriage if your abide by rules, isn't marriage ruined by practice of monogamy? While practicing monogamy a couple is not trying to include other sexual partners, they're just acknowledging that other attractions happen and an affair; it's still consider cheating. It sounds like open marriage, and open couples are by far the most common form of polyamorous relationship. I agree to your points, though my questions was strictly on monogamy and its norms considered cheating?

I am still not getting this. Monogamy doesn't always lead to cheating. Couples might cheat on each other, but that DOES NOT make monogamy in itself a form of practice that always leads to cheating.
BTW - I don't think having random crushes on other people will constitute as cheating, simply because one has no control over their thoughts. As long as you don't go to the extent to start a relationship with the person, it's not cheating, and generally, these crushes seem to go away with time.

Like POH, I am not sure if I understand the point you are trying to make. 😕

Originally posted by: -Aarya-

Is it still open marriage if your abide by rules,

Everything has rules. Even if you go to a hippie nudist free love colony, there are certain rules, obligations and expectations you have to abide by. Society means rules. There is no expectation or rule for monogamy in open marriage/relationships.

What specific rules are you talking about here?

Originally posted by: -Aarya-

isn't marriage ruined by practice of monogamy?

How so? It is personal choice. Those who want monogamy engage in monogamous relationships. Those who don't want monogamy don't.

Originally posted by: -Aarya-

While practicing monogamy a couple is not trying to include other sexual partners, they're just acknowledging that other attractions happen and an affair it's still consider cheating.

When you have an affair you cease being monogamous, that is why it is cheating.

Are you implying that attraction is also cheating in monogamy? That is not true. Attraction is human nature. Monogamy does not mean denial of attraction, it means a commitment not to act on it.

I'm not sure how this implies monogamy itself is cheating though?

Originally posted by: -Aarya-

It sounds like open marriage, and open couples are by far the most common form of polyamorous relationship.

They are most common. Many don't even enter relationships, they remain single and just date a lot of people. There are other arrangements like swingers, sex groups, sex clubs people engage in. Monogamy is not a part of polyamorous relationships.

Originally posted by: -Aarya-

I agree to your points, though my questions was strictly on monogamy and its norms considered cheating?

That is what I still don't get - what about monogamy and its norms are you calling cheating?

@RTH, my apologies if the discussion came off little vague, let me try to clarify ...

I believe Monogamy is the best practiced until a couple changes the status to open marriage by rules. Though married couple focus on still keeping an outward appearance of traditional monogamy while practicing what basically amounts to polygamy behind closed doors which I conclude as cheating. The norms of monogamy are questioned, are they the norms ? I also question the rights and needs of the second partner in monogamy relationship?

Originally posted by: -Aarya-

@RTH, my apologies if the discussion came off little vague, let me try to clarify ...

I believe Monogamy is the best practiced until a couple changes the status to open marriage by rules. Though married couple focus on still keeping an outward appearance of traditional monogamy while practicing what basically amounts to polygamy behind closed doors which I conclude as cheating. The norms of monogamy are questioned, are they the norms ? I also question the rights and needs of the second partner in monogamy relationship?

So basically you are saying that monogamy eventually breaks down. That people put on the happy family front but carry on affairs on the sly or the couple eventually separates/divorces - and that amounts to cheating.

You have a valid point there. But I don't think monogamy is the problem. The real problem is that monogamy is the expected norm. Monogamy is not for everybody. You have to reach a point in life where you truly desire and need monogamy. Society needs to stop expecting that everyone will experience that. As I mentioned earlier that any relationship that is forced by family or society is cheating oneself.

I also don't think monogamy is meant to be permanent. And I'll agree that death do us apart etc. are all frivolous formalities. Life changes all the time. Today you may need that monogamy and commitment, tomorrow life may make you feel otherwise. It happens and people should be ready to accept changes and part amicably when need be. As long as there was full faithful monogamy during the commitment period and no affair was involved I don't see it as cheating.

At the same time I think monogamy is truly the best way for some people. Many people will have the ability to enter a monogamous relationship, be happy, fulfilled and keep it unto death.

Monogamy is not natural, and I think that the reason why it is prevalent has at least a little bit to do with the patriarchal roots of marriage and exclusive "ownership" or sexual "use" of women by men, who continued to have extramarital relationships anyway. Call me cynical, but I think many people end up cheating one way or another, and it's no longer restricted to just men because women are sexual beings too.

One reason why monogamy prevails may have to do with our insecurities. I think most of us want to believe in this romantic ideal of someone who "only cares for us." I love Nina Smone, but I think that concept is a myth and kind of relies on a sense of ownership over someone else that can actually be quite problematic.

In general though I think we tend towards long-term domestic partnerships as a norm. The real question is whether monogamy as a practice places severe constraints on how we can explore ourselves and navigate other relationships. I think polyamory is kind of interesting and could be a potentially fulfilling lifestyle if one can figure out how to make it work.