MOTW - The Seventh Apprentice - Page 70

Originally posted by: Mister.K.

3rd rate? don't flatter yourself. it's 5th rate.

Originally posted by: return_to_hades

These Two Tasks are being combined. I'm hoping Guruma Gauri can appreciate this one at least.
Guruma Gauri pehli baar suna 😆

Sorry G, I skipped you and kaanta on this one.
😡 (bu but may be she thinks that we can fend for ourselves and dont need any barbaadi agency)




I am not sure how I got tricked into this but why. I should have known something fishy was up when Gauri invited me over to her home in Texas with some uncharacteristic congeniality. I only assumed that she needed my skills in the yard. After all peasants are good at hard yard work. However, she had some very devious tricks up her sleeve. You see since she had an excellent eye for coupling, and the ability to spice up any ordinary couples;

All coupling started from the recipe itself 😉

The DeMons had set her up with a marriage bureau. She told me that it was all my fault and she had no time for DM's idiocracies. So I don't know how - I found myself inheriting the her agency.

As the first client walked in, it became crystal clear why Gauri had been so eager to get rid of this agency and hand it to me. It was none other than Vinu or Believe. He winked and stuck his tongue at me. I assumed he suffered from some nervous tick and asked him to fill out our paperwork. He rambled something about real men also have hearts that are sweet. He also explained how well connected he was with women and also experienced his own male menstrual cycle. I asked him what sort of woman he was looking for. He responded by saying something about touching and feeling, and how he touched and felt women, but really was not flirting with them. Women misunderstand him, he does not touch them like that.

🤣

I immediately understood his needs and published his advertisement

"Sensitive metrosexual young male, seeks a manly sweetheart. Man enough to be connected with his inner female, and truly feel like a woman. Seeking true feminine connectivity and compatibility"
🤣

Sure enough within the next few days I had thousands of respondents. All seemed equally confused. However, I was able to use my skills to narrow it down to Clay Aiken.

Vinu was ecstatic about having found the perfect blonde bombshell of a woman.
😲😆

I was confused, but I was happy for him too. He insisted that the marriage take place instantly. I could not blame him, he had that effect of being the anti-chick magnet. And even if Clay was not exactly a chick, I could not take chances for my first client. So by the powers vested in me I married them and Vinu kissed his bride. He said her lips were soft and tender.

Vinu took Clay to Turkey for their honeymoon, where they indulged in the coffee shops drinking dark coffee and feeding each other honey dripping balkava. They visited the bath houses and had steam saunas and Turkish massages. Vinu mentioned having logistical difficulties during his honeymoon, but that his beautiful blonde wife was very adjusting and accommodating. I'm wondering if I should tell him something, but what do I know.
🤣

Maybe Clay is indeed a beautiful blonde wife.

The next client walking in was Qwerty. I was really beginning to understand why Gauri did this to me. I was not sure if she expected me to perform some unearthly miracles with her clients. However, I was a professional and I would try. Qwerty was all decked in his best puja lungis, coconut oil rubbed heavily on all remaining strands of hair, sandalwood dabbed all over for scent, and he wore flowers on his wrist.
🤣
I think he must have been reading recommendations from the kamasutra. He really seemed serious about nailing himself a wife, literally and figuratively.
🤣

I asked him what he wanted and it took him three days to list of all the qualities of an ideal woman. I'll try to summarize it for you. She had to be a Konkani Brahmin who spoke Konkani fluently, she had to cook full Kokani cuisine, she had to do the laundry by hand with special care for the delicates, she had to scrub the floor with phenyl everyday, apparently he had desi kadappa tiles even in his Atlanta house - you get the gist. Most importantly she had to be sexy, with a voluptuous, curvaceous figure. He was very excited to know that I too was a Konkani and was willing to let go of the remaining 99.999999999% of his expectations. I had to bring Aria into the room, to get him to change his mind. Good Konkani wives don't keep vicious untameable hunting bitches he agreed.

So with Aria by my side, I penned his had

"Old fashioned conservative wealthy well settled Atlanta based NRI Konkani Brahmin seeks sexy traditional Konkani wife to share his classical Konkan styled cottage in Atlanta" He wanted me to fit in sexy, handsome etc in there too, but I told him that Konkani carried it all.

Now there are several Konkani celebrities like Isha Koppikar, Deepika Padukone and Genelia D'Souza. They are extremely sexy too. Qwerty was up for marrying all three of them, and again willing to dismiss his other requirements. However, I was unable to carry the negotiations forward.

Meanwhile, I had another mystery client interested in old fashioned Indian men. She told me it was part of her charities. I found that compassionate and thought she would be willing to accommodate with Qwerty. It was none other than Chyna. I convinced Qwerty that she belonged to a new sect of Chinese Konkanis. He was even more agreeable when I shared with him her playboy shots.

Chyna arranged for a fantastic wedding inside a WWE ring, and claimed it symbolized a wedding ring. The honeymoon was in some remote location in China. Chyna wanted it to be somewhere off the grid. Not sure if that was the wisest choice for Qwerty. However, I hear they are still married. In fact Chyna washes the floor with Qwerty's delicates,does the dishes with his lungi, then washes his clothes for him - all with him still in it. The most important thing is, that she does everything Qwerty ever wanted.

🤣

The next client turned out to be POH. Now he was a decent kid, a confirmed bachelor who did not indulge in any nonsense. I wondered what he was doing at my barbaadi bureau. So I asked him what he was looking for. At first he acted very angst ridden and would not give me a proper answer. Then he started laughing, crying, yelling, looking shocked, dancing all emotions at the same time.
😆

I knew he was nervous and told him there was nothing to worry about.

Turns out that POH took debating really seriously. He believed in facts, not opinions, first hand knowledge, not he said she said experiences. So in light of all the romance, man woman and marital related topics in DM, POH had decided that it would be good for him to get married - so he can speak properly from true experiences. I told him that it was a hasty and dangerous choice he was making. But he was adamant to do anything for the sake of debating.

So I typed up his ad.

"Intelligent young lad seeks beautiful wife for marital research project"
😆

I tried masking his age and making him sound old and sophisticated but TNF found out he was only 16 and soon all women lost interest in him. They wanted the sexier older and experienced men.

However, I had one respondent. Although, it was a misunderstanding. Mahi, a beautiful wife had responded thinking there was an intelligent baby sitter available. I thought I could make this work. POH would help Mahi with baby sitting and also observe her marital life for his research. POH begrudgingly agreed.

Now there was no hanky panky honeymoon business for these good kids. But this explains POH's absence from DM off late. He has been learning how to bake cakes, although just yesterday he discovered that he needs to add sugar to it and cocoa does not come sweetened.
🤣
Other than that he has been chit chatting with some IF friends, learned some real excellent beauty tips for his hair and skin. He's really confused why women on the forum are making marriage out to be such a big deal, its just like being a kid, but with your own kids. I'm thinking POH's poor soul really needs to get hitched, any takers?

Any takers? Werent you already complaining that POH ran away with someone? 😛

My next client was Summer. I'm beginning to wonder what is up with the male members of the forum. However, Summer was the most kindly and gentleman like of all clients so far. I asked him what he wanted our agency to do for him, and he showed me some news articles on the role of marriage agencies in modern society. I asked what sort of women he was looking for and he found some articles on compatibility tests for his sun sign. I asked him what he wanted in a marriage and he showed me some articles on how to have the ideal marriage.

Beyond that I did not really get much information. He rambled on about a lot of other random things like serenity in nature, the spiritual aspects of religion, he shared some mantras for better health and lowering blood pressure, he talked about playing golf on Sundays and where the best courses are, he mentioned each and every DeMon and said some diabetic sweet things about them that I should put in their matrimonial ads.

I was quite confused, but nonetheless I published his ad too
"Wandering mature soul, seeks another wandering soul"

I have to say this time I got the perfect celebrity respondent. I was sure Summer would be delighted, and boy was he happy. For the respondent was none other than Oprah Winfrey.

They married right here in Chicago live on a special episode of Oprah's talk show, and then Oprah gave him a collection of articles on the wedding as a wedding gift. They went to Africa for their honeymoon where they hunted for Acai berries and other medicinal herbs.
No articles here?

They visited a local witch doctor who gave them holistic marriage advice in the way of ancient African tribals. Oprah is not going to be publishing a book of random ramblings by Summer and promote it in her book club. You should see some articles on his book soon.

My next client was Baz. Another surprising client, after all he is the sweet shy boy of IF. I was surprised that he would come to a barbaadi agency like this. The poor fellow seemed really perturbed and disturbed. I asked him to share what was going on. He started sharing all his qualities, that he was good and sweet, that he respected women, how he prayed regularly, that his friends often said he was awesome and charming.

So whats the problem, I asked him - sounds like you are perfect. Then why do you feel so down? So he showed me something his friend had written.



So tell me he asked, am I ugly or am I gay.
🤣
I sensed entrapment. If I called him ugly, I would have insulted him, if I called him gay, I would have offended him. Besides neither of them were my words. But now I had to answer, and I wondered what could I do, WWGDO, WWGDO, I kept asking myself. Now G would have told him to stop turning all the girls gay with his sweetness and go out there and show off his manly balls.

🤣 Whats up with ball obsession in MOTW these days? 😆

Now I am not that bold, so I found a way to weasel out. Why you have come to the right place I told him. We will find you a perfect bride and then you can tell everyone that you are a very handsome dashing straight man. And I instantly penned down some random words in the ad

"Dashing and handsome, the most perfect man on IF seeks bride. Women, let him treat you with his sweetness, class and dignity. You won't find any other like him"

Baz seemed pleased and I was relieved. I pulled a few strings with some record labels and US immigration officials and used it to convince his dream girl Asma to marry him.

They got married in a traditional ceremony in Oman. There was no honeymoon as both are in the states now recording Asma's new album, co sponsored by Baz. Baz will also be singing duets with her and appearing in most of her music videos.

Now the next client walking in was Emptiness. I soon learned that he was not there as a client. He was upset about something. He said look RTH enough as enough. You have already discriminated against me by condemning me for being someone I am not,I let it go. But now you promote Baz as the most handsome, dashing, perfect man on IF, thats just downright BS. You cannot promote someone else with my qualities. So you must be gay then, I inquired.

Heck no, he said right away. My name is Sashi, I'm straight and half the girls on IF are in love with me. Oh, I nodded and asked why. He explained that firstly it was due to his dashing good looks and secondly, he had the most melodious voice that could make women swoon. He then proceeded to show me his ever growing list of female fans. I was surprised to see so many DM girls on there.

I explained that I had to do something for Baz, it was my duty towards a client of my barbaadi agency. But I offered to help him find the perfect bride instead. He smacked his lips and readily agreed. He said he knew exactly which girl he wanted "Negar" he said with no hesitation. Negar, that slutty Norweigian bimbo - I asked shocked wondering if she could have worked well for some of my previous clients. No no he said, I mean your friend Negar. Now I do not know any Negar on this forum. But he insisted that no one knew her name, but he knew damn right her name was Negar. So I promised him to do what I could.

My next client barged in soon after. It was none other than dear Ajnu. I was happy to finally have a sane client. In fact I had a few guys in mind for her like Shahid Kapur and Ed Westwick. I just had to get her to narrow down her picks or even choose both. However, my peaceful thought process was interrupted when she started screaming "Shashi, I loooooooooove, you. I love Shashi". She told me that she had finally found the man of her dreams and wanted to marry him. Who is it? I asked. Shashi of course, she replied. What does he do? I further inquired. He is a singer with a melodious voice, girls from the II section swoon over him.

What a coincidence, I thought to myself. Imagine my next client swooning over Shashi, just after I had met with him. This was easy. I told her that I could arrange for a marriage immediately, because Shashi had just enrolled as a client. There was just one condition, she had to pretend her name is Negar. She was my friend and it was just a little name change. She found it odd, but she agreed, because she was really smitten over Shahsi.

Since Ajnu was overzealous to get married to Shashi and even Shashi was ecstatic about finding his Negar - so we had an instant Vegas style wedding over the phone.

But let this serve as a lesson to y'all. Haste makes waste. While Shashi had found his Negar, turns out that Ajnu really did not care for Emptiness, but was in love with some dorky singer named Shashi Suman. As I type this hurricane Ajnu has struck Houston. The DMbarbaadi office is lying destroyed and broken and the business has been shut down for now.

🤣 She sure is angry young woman

Empti and I are lucky to have made it out alive. We are desperately seeking legal counsel for a divorce but are running into issues over some mismatched names.

Is there a lawyer out there who can help?

Originally posted by: Summer3

Qwery Babu good one:😆

Reminds me of Vinu ji's clip:

" Devi Prasad ? Prasad Mandir mein milti, ye to Garage hain."😆

Guess name Qwerty originates from Queer .

Originally posted by: karandel_2008

I thought that he was your crush. so RTH bhi? 😆

Originally posted by: return_to_hades

Alright, time to tend to more tasks.

Love, Sex, Dhokha

The citizens of DM were quite bored of their routines. They all had tiny attention spans anyway. So in order to save them from dying of boredom, some action was called for. Mister. K suggested some interesting debate topics. But everyone was like WTF, who wants to debate. Summer tried suggesting a holistic group healing session through mantras. OBJ threw a ruckus about everything coming down to sex and God and that shizlle. Thats when TNF started jumping up and down "sex, sex, sex". Middy joined in and agreed. "Sex, Sex, Sex". All the boys started salivating "sex, sex, sex" Ajnu rolled her crazy eyes. and OBJ screamed "NEGAR (or so he claims) FOOOL". Mister. K shrugged and said "Whatever". Gauri licked her lips and said "Ab aayega, mazza, ab bajegi sab ki band" Apparently no matter what happens, she says that.

So against my better judgment I decided that we shall host a new reality show on DM. The Title of the contest was unanimously decided by TNF to be "Love, Sex, Dhokha"

TNF and Middy nominated Emptiness to be the judge, as they proclaimed him to be the God of Sex of DM.

Emptiness was only happy to take the position.

Debu and Empti will find some innuendo here 😆

I asked Mister. K if he would like to be judge for his objective analysis, but he jumped ship. So eventually Vinu and Qwerty ended up being judges along with Empti.

The format of the show was very simple. The contestant just had to come in and speak a few words on Love, Sex or Dhokha. The judges would score and the DeMons would vote. The combined leader would be declared winner.

As usual TNF was the first ecstatic contestant. She pranced before the judges and said 'nangi hoon main' and she went on to give a long speech about her 'nangapan' and why DM should accept her 'nanga face'. Empti understanding the off beat British humor, stood up and gave her a standing ovation. Vinu winked, stuck his tongue out

You talk as if "wink and sticking the tongue out" has become his trademark 😆

and said he was waiting for a nangi all his life, and just chilled. Qwerty stroked his oiled head and said most women usually talk nonsense but you are brilliant.

Although TNF went down well with the judges King Anu chided the judges for calling her nangi. He said that was unfair of the judges to be resorting to name calling like that.

The next contestant was Middy. She was dressed in her sexiest best. She decided to perform a song and dance routine.

California girls
We're unforgettable
Daisy Dukes
Bikinis on top
Sun-kissed skin
So hot
We'll melt your Popsicle
Oooooh oh oooooh

California girls
We're undeniable
Fine, fresh, fierce
We got it on lock
Westcoast represent
Now put your hands up
Oooooh oh oooooh

Nice song 😆

Once she was done all three judges stood up and gave her a standing ovation. *Mwah* Emptiness blew kisses at her. "Mero maiyya, mero California girl" he blew more kisses at her.

Maiyaa? 🤣

Angie and POH interjected asking how that qualified as a speech, but the judges said that Middy had epitomized the topic in her performance.

The next contestant was Mister.K. Most people were shocked at his participation. But through some erroneous connection his search for that had been inspired. He went up on stage and gave an eloquent speech on the lack of difference between love, sex and dhokha. He resorted to nihilism and reduced them all to quantum fluctuations. Quantum fluctuations of the human consciousness - and that in the supreme conscious they had the same effect. I would paraphrase his entire speech, but even I could not understand it well.

yeah you see things have evolved from Newton's laws (remember action reaction, force etc?) to quantum mechanics.

All three judges rolled their eyes and yawned. However, Gauri, Angie and My view were clapping profusely. Even Karan and Summer started applauding in awe at the complex metaphysical subjects discussed by Mister. K. Middy and TNF stared at each other, and OBJ screamed "FOOL" even louder.

OBJ screaming FOOL is like a universal constant

The next contestant was Karan. His had penned his own speech and called it 'Mamma Mia'. It was a very thorough speech. He expressed very sweet sentiments on love, and then backed it up with tender moments shared with his sweets including date and time stamp.

😛

The judges again had the most blank expressions on their face, while RTH and Mister. K applauded Karan's immaculate record keeping. Even love weighs no value, if not backed by proper demonstrations they agreed.

Next came AD. She started talking about sex. More like gender but she called it male sex and female sex. She went into an elaborate discussion on the female sex being weaker and why men assert dominance to show their strength.

🤣

Vinu and Qwerty smiled and applauded . They said she was the epitome of woman and had beautifully portrayed womanhood. Emptiness was and we had to go and restrain him in his chair while he screamed "How can she" "How can she". Most of the audience was but they had to forget that and hold back POH who was also like Empti.

🤣

The next contestant was Gauri. Her speech was titled Sadial Sarian. She went to explain, love or sex choddo. Sarian ko to sab dhokha hi dhokha nazar aata hain. Signature likho to sulky Sarian bole dhokha. Typo karo to sulky Sarian bole dhokha. Sawaal poocho to to Sulky Sarian bole dhokha. Aur hamesha usski haphoos ki tarah sadial mithaas.

RTH blushed and shrank into a corner. All three judges went. OBJ. Shouted "FOOOOOOOOOOOL!" the loudest. Ajnu was the only one who laughed and clapped and winked and danced. After all uske aur Gauri ke jaisa kaun kahan, and what better pleasure than the two of them harassing Sarian.

Oh dont worry 🤗 I will try to help them

The next contestant was Mahi. She said that she was married,

Yeah "am married" is one of her excuses 😆

that is why she had no experience on love sex and dhokha. However, she was there just for her sis TNF who had inspired this contest. She then waved at her Joe di.

The judges again went but TNF, Baz, OBJ, all cheered on Mahi for being such a gracious sport for this contest.

Next came the voting. Gauri, My_View and Angie had decided to cast their votes for Mister. K. Summer and Karan easily convinced RTH and Ajnu also to vote for K. Gauri who is the Bellatrix that she was threatened half the DeMons and had them vote for Mister. K. The result was that Mister. K was winning by such a landslide that the judges had to declare him the winner. Middy came a close second. However, they claimed that only Middy understood the concept of the contest in full sense and that she was a true winner.

Unfortunately, the prize giving has been delayed by Mister. K's sulking. He has been arguing with the judges on why they cannot accept that he had the most meaningful take on Love, Sex and Dhokha while the judges keep trying to tell him that he just cannot consider himself as sexy as Middy.

Yahan bhi contest main rona dhona 😆

Originally posted by: Gauri_3

RTH sahred the anecdote with me how he comes to the park with his infant son and RTH goes there with Aria. Jab dono besharmon ko baby aur doggie use kartey sharam naheen aati to seek attention, toh mujhey Giles lift kartey waqt kyoon sharm aaye bhala😆

Originally posted by: return_to_hades

Originally posted by: *Woh Ajnabee*