SWARON OS: EACH TO EACH

"swayam..." I whispered once more closing my eyes , letting the tears fall after closing the door of my room shut and sliding down on the floor... Every time I took his name , I hoped that it's high time , his name should mean a little bit less to me than it means now...

I don't even know since when had I started loving him...

May be it was when , he had helped me colour my pre school colouring book...

Or may be it was when , he used to let me have his share of chocolate sitting on the school stairs...

Or may be it was when he used to land up in my window at midnight with a bucket of chocolate ice cream...

Well who cares about when had I fallen in love , but I had... Without the knowledge of my own heart , body and soul , I had started considering him more than just a best friend ... I hadn't realized when this "just more than best friends" phase had turned him into everything that I could ever think for...

Yes.. swayam... it was the name I could only think now... he has occupied my dream , my reality , my morning , my night... every second of my life...

I know I am just his friend... yeah , best friend... nothing more...

But I had expected him to be at least be with me if not love me back... I had expected him to stand by my side when the world was against me...

But he didn't do it.. he couldn't do it... probably because when you have to choose between your friend and love , you can't help but choose your love... and he did the same...

Sharon walked inside the library to find swayam and sheena sitting side by side , smiling at each other... Swayam was holding her hand under the table...

Sharon's face broke into a sad smile... a couple of weeks back swayam had scared the freak out of her by landing up in her room at 2 o'clock in the morning...

"what the hell swayam.. where is your god damn manner????" Sharon glared at a smiling swayam...

"and should I slap that smile off your face???" Sharon held her hips... Swayam immediately shook his head sheepishly...

"and why are you here??? It's a girl's room swayam... you can't just like that pop here anytime and that too from the window and that too at this hour of night..." Sharon threw her hands up in the air to prove her point...

"right .. girl..." Swayam said sarcastically eyeing sharon's outfit... Sharon felt a pang in her heart... She also followed his gaze down her body and felt her eyes tearing up seeing her batman tee shirt and grey shorts... Swayam was right.. she in no way looked like a girl... and may be that's why swayam didn't love her back... she quickly masked her face with an irritated look like she had been doing for years...

"go on with what you have to say... and leave..." She pointed curtly at the window.. swayam immediately held her hands and started waltzing round the room...

"Sharon.. what is love????" he asked her still twirling her around the room...

"it's a thing beyond forever..." Sharon whispered back at herself but unfortunately for her , swayam had heard it... he was so taken aback that he had stopped dancing and stood still looking blankly at her...

"huh??" he asked still not believing Sharon had said it out of all people... Sharon knew there's no point stopping now..

"it's a thing beyond forever..." she said a little loudly and then continued... " its like a fresh drizzle in a summer afternoon... its like a free bird flying high above the clouds... love is anything which you want to believe... love is when your heart beats in sync with that something or someone you are in love with... love is everything... it's a way of life..." She said smiling softly looking blankly at the wall... swayam felt something weird from within...

"are you in love with someone???" that was the only question he could think at that point.. he had never expected Sharon to answer his question.. he had expected her to make a face at the mention of "that" word... but her answer had made him feel that a person without the insight of the feeling can't put it to words like this... and he hoped that Sharon would say "no".. the reason? unknown...

"are you??" Sharon ducked the question...

"no..." swayam said confidently and then continued... "I had probably come here to say that yes, I am in love but after whatever you had said about love... if its true then well.. I am not..."

Sharon knew this had to happen someday... she did not expect him to take her name...

"who is she???" she asked trying to maintain her extra vibrant face...

"sheena... its not that I love her.. but then... there is something strange and I don't want to regret by not giving us a chance..." She knew swayam would never mean "swayam and sharon" as us...

Sharon's reverie was broken , as she found swayam frantically waving his hands to grab her attention... Sharon smiled back at him and at sheena too but then sheena made a face and looked away... Sharon gave a reassuring smile to swayam and moved to collect her books...

After the tiring day at college , Sharon had moved to the canteen to grab a cup of coffee... she had taken her order and turned to take a seat when she banged into someone...

"what the freak..." Before Sharon could utter a sorry , the girl in front of her screamed at her face... Sharon saw the coffee in her hand had spilled on sheena's pretty black dress...

"hey I am really sorry yaaa..." Sharon grabbed a tissue and moved forward to help her...

"please.. please.. just stay away from me...okay???" she had screamed at Sharon again with the entire canteen looking onto them...

"you won't even understand what a special dress means.. not everyone has that special someone to appreciate her if she looks pretty..." sheena had started off with glaring at sharon and ended it with a direct taunt ...

Sharon knew it was meant for her... it as meant to point out to her that sheena had swayam to make her feel special whom Sharon could never have...

Sharon would have answered her back if swayam wouldn't have come upto the canteen door.. sharon's teary eyes met his blank ones.. Sharon was waiting for swayam to come and take her side but when he didn't move an inch she lost the urge to justify herself.. if swayam didn't feel the need to answer back for insulting Sharon then why would Sharon feel the need???

And with that Sharon had ran out of the canteen and eventually out of the college trying hard not to break down...

I know swayam , I know that I am nothing in front of sheena... she is breathtakingly pretty and I am just another ordinary girl in the town... I know its all my fault that I am hopelessly in love with someone who can never be mine in the first place...

And I don't know how to stop this pain... the pain of wanting the love of someone who is unattainable...

***********

I felt my heart contract for some unknown reason when I saw Sharon run past me out of the canteen...

I had heard what sheena had told her...

"you won't even understand what a special dress means.. not everyone has that special someone to appreciate her if she looks pretty..."

Her words kept ringing in my ears and I felt something weird creep in me... My Sharon didn't need anyone to point out that she was pretty... she didn't need a dress to make her beautiful...

But sheena was right.. she didn't have that special someone to make her feel that she is the most beautiful women on earth... my body shook with something I couldn't name as I started to imagine what if she had that someone?? Would I ever be able to accept someone else who would look into her eyes and say that she was the most prettiest girl on planet... would I ever be able to accept someone else cuddling her and hugging her close... Would I ever be able to accept someone making her smile and laugh... someone who is not me???

I was so confused with my trail of thoughts that I had not noticed what had happened after sheena uttered those words... I was taken out of my reverie as I saw Sharon run past me...

And this time it was sharon's voice which rang in my ears...

"it's a thing beyond forever..." Sharon is the only one with whom I can imagine my forever with...

" its like a fresh drizzle in a summer afternoon..." she is more than a drizzle to me... she is my driving rain...

"love is everything... it's a way of life..." She is my everything.. she is way of my life...

And that was when it hit me hard... I was in love.. I was always in love with my Sharon...

Within a fraction of second my life was changed...

My life was Sharon...

NEXT PART BELOW

I was sitting on the floor leaning on the bed with a cup of hot chocolate in my hand... Your best friend can forget you existence on the face of earth but then chocolate can never let you down...

I kept sipping the chocolate mentally making a note to throw every possible thing that swayam had given me till date into the dustbin... after my breakdown all I could feel for that good for nothing idiot is anger...

I had never expected him to love me back but I had expected him to stand by me... but he did not ... and I won't cry again for him... I don't need him.. he can just go to hell...

Well , whom am I kidding?? I know I can never gather enough strength to fall out of love ... to move on from him... to be honest I didn't want to ... And with this , fresh set of tears ran down my cheeks...

I hated myself for crying for him.. for loving him... but my love for him is much for than my hatred because of its consequence...

I looked up hearing a loud thud... And to my horror he was sitting on the floor beside the balcony rubbing his butt with a cute pout...

Why do this jerk have to land up in my room again at this hour of night through the window and that too hen I am trying to correct my thoughts... oh god...

"what do you want now swayam???" I asked trying to act rude and not break down in front of him.. he should not know that he is my weakness... as well as strength...

"I wanted to tell you something..." swayam got up dusting his hand...

"right... sheena has agreed to marry you... isn't it???" I snapped at him sarcastically.. swayam's grinning face within a fraction of second turned confused...

"huh?? What???" he asked pretending to be clueless... this guy is actually a good for nothing idiot...

"look swayam... enough is enough.. I can't be a option in your life forever right??? So once and for all lets stop this.. lets accept that we don't have anything left between us anymore... so lets not pretend that everything is perfect.. because its not..." I tried hard so that my tears don't fall...

I looked upto him when I didn't hear him speaking for the next thirty seconds or so... is he really smiling??? The nerve of this guy...

I couldn't help but smile seeing her struggling with tears... not that I am happy seeing her cry but she is trying so hard not to show me her weakness... She looked upto me to find me smile and I bet I saw a flash of sadness move past her eyes... I can't wait anymore..most importantly I can't make her wait anymore ...

I moved towards her in long strides and as a reflex she had moved back unless she hit the wall and I caged her so that she can't run anymore...

And as I moved closer , she used her last weapon.. she kept the mug of chocolate between our bodies...

"thanks..." I smiled at her and snatched the mug away pretending that's he was offering it to me... after finishing it in one big gulp I kept the mug on the table beside still not letting her move...

Her face was red with anger and I knew that she was really angry... not because I had not supported her in college but because I had drunk her chocolate.. she was about o hit my head when caught hold of it and pinned it above her head...

"Sharon.. listen out... I really have something important to share..." I looked intensely at her to distract her from chocolate and I was partially successful...

"I don't to listen to you..." she looked away.. trying hard to ignore my breathes on her face...

"Sharon.. its important..." I nudged her ears with my nose... She held the front of my tee shirt tightly taking in a long breath...

"wrong.. I am not important to you..." She whispered into my neck...

"says who???" I asked her moving my face back to look into her eyes...

"me..." She said confidently...

"then who is important to me...???" I knew she won't answer...

"can you just let me say what I want to say..." I said following her silence...

"what do you want to say?? That you have hooked up with sheena??? Well congrats swayam..." she said sarcastically... I felt a heart sink as she said that... how can Sharon think like that out of all the people... if I hadn't known that she herself was hurt I would have surely snapped her for saying this aloud.. or for that matter thinking this way...

But right now I had a mission to accomplish...

"I can smell something burn..." I tried to maintain my composure and crack a pathetic joke...

As soon as swayam uttered those words I looked upto him ... how can he say that I was jealous.. I was anything but jealous... if he is happy with someone else I can happily move away.. I was just hurt that swayam didn't have it in him to stand up for his best friend...

"swayam leave..." I managed to say fearing the tears would fall anytime now...

"and if I don't agree to your proposal???" he asked with his patent smirk...

"have you asked your girl friend that you are in my room at this hour of the night..." I knew this would make him tongue tied and leave...

"girl friend??? I can't remember if I had ever had a girl friend okay??? And as far being in your room at this hour of the night is concerned... well then , I don't need permission to be with my Sharon anytime from anyone..." He said in the tone which he had never used while talking to me.. or for that matter to anyone...

Swayam's smile made me realize that I was practically staring at him with a shocked expression...

I know this is delusion... swayam doesn't love me.. he can never love me...

"leave..." I couldn't manage anything else...

"I have not counted how many time you had asked me to leave.. I don't care how many more times will you order me to leave... but I can't ... I don't want to leave you and go..." he moved the fringes of hair from my face and stuck it behind my ears...

"i didn't speak up for you in the canteen not because I didn't want to.. because I was too preoccupied to figure out my thoughts Sharon... you will always find me standing up for you.. and who cares what that girl thinks??? When at least I know I can make you feel special..." I was sure that swayam didn't say all these and I was only dreaming...

"I can't even think about anyone else making you feel special... I cannot think about someone else touching you... someone else loving you... I am not that selfless like you ..." He said touching his forehead to mine... I felt that I had lost my voice and all sense of sanity... this is just not happening.. my heart thudded with anticipation and my mind hinted what was coming...

"I know you love me Sharon... I know I don't deserve this... I had been a jerk all through my life.. but from now on I would work.. I would work to prove myself deserving for you... and I hope you know that I have finally realized that I am hopelessly and irrevocably in love with you..." As he finished I could feel my body go numb... I shook my head with tears running down my cheeks... I didn't have the strength in me to listen that he was joking all this while.. what if he will leave me alone after giving me hopes...

He knew what I was thinking.. he had the uncanny power to read my soul bared...

"you are my thing beyond forever Sharon.. you are my fresh drizzle in a summer afternoon...you are the only thing that I want to believe... its your heart with whom my heart beats each to each... you are my way of life sharon..." I didn't wait to listen to anything which he was capable of saying at this moment...I hugged him tightly clinging onto him letting my tears drench his shirt..

"I love you... I love you..." He whispered into my ears running his hands on my back to calm me down.. to make me realize that its not my dream... I am living my reality...

And that was when it hit me hard... I was in love.. and so was swayam...

Within a fraction of second my life was changed...

My life was Swayam...