Originally posted by: surajhere
Damn, just damn, out of blue.
SSR seemed to be a deeply tormented man.
He seemd to love his mother the most and her death seemd to have hit him really hard. He never seemed to recover from it especially because he did not go and meet her when she was asking him to meet him.
She died the next morning. SSR was only 16(2002) then. Teens are probably the worst affected by parents death. It is a terrible feeling to lose somebody, especially a parent at that age and they don't know how to handle it, they try to cope with it as their brain tells them to. It seemed SSR's coping mechanism was acting.
When somebody you love the most leaves you suddenly the only way to tackle the grief might be to have have people around you who lve you and find somebody whom you can love as much as you did the now absent person. SSR seemed to have neither though he seems to have tried for more than a decade.
I do not understand why his family was not staying with him. Did he ask them not to ? Did they even know what was going on in his mind ?
He seemed to miss his mother terribly and in a moment of weakness he ended it. That is what I think.
The poems he wrote for his late mother, man, they are just heart wrenching, here are some. This guy was hurting and nobody close to him saw it.
“As long as you were, I was.
Now just in your memories I come alive. Like a shadow, Just a flicker.
Time doesn’t move here. It’s beautiful, It’s forever…” .
Another poem he wrote for his mother
“Do you remember? You promised that you would be with me forever, and I promised you that I would keep smiling no matter what. It seems we both were wrong mother…”.
Here is an interview he gave some time back.
Does it hurt you that your mother isn’t around to see your success?
It’s not that I miss her only when something good or bad happens to me. I wouldn’t lie but I am not incessantly thinking of her. I wish she was alive to see me succeed in life. I am sure she would have been really happy and proud of me. And maybe I would have been a different person than what I am now. The way I looked at things then and now, they are very different and I cannot go back to doing that. It’s unfortunate. But everything that used to excite me, doesn’t excite me that much now. I don’t know why. No relationship, no success, absolutely nothing... If she was alive, probably it wouldn’t concern her, but just because something has changed inside me, everything has become so insipid. It takes a lot out of me to force myself to get overly excited about things and probably this is the reason why I like acting so much. Because it helps me get away from myself.
Are you saying things would have been different were she alive?
(Cuts in) Would you believe if I said I didn’t cry when she died? I actually didn’t. At that point of time, I was thinking why I was not crying (gets emotional). Probably now when I look at it, we cry because there’s a strong sense of loss. And hence we cry at the thought of losing someone we love. I changed on realising that she was dead and no matter what I did, I wouldn’t have her back. It immediately changed so much inside me that I didn’t cry. I was a different person from that point onwards. And it will always stay with me. There’s something I will always regret.
Go on...
So, she would call me every day at around 7-7.30 pm. I was so pampered and I know that every mother pampers their kids, but this was so unconditional, that I cannot explain it. And it took a big, big piece of her when she allowed me to go away and study. She would be, ‘Don’t do anything but stay with me’. And she still allowed me to go. She would call me everyday and would try to pretend to be happy. I could sense all of it. On December 11, I got a call at 11.30 pm. I picked up and she was crying. I was like, ‘What is wrong, What happened?’ She said, ‘Nothing. Can you take out some time and come back?’ I told her, ‘No, abhi kaise hoga? I will come during Holi. Why do you want me to come now? I am okay’, etc. I asked her to stop crying. I was trying to be mature, but I could sense that I didn’t want to go back at that point of time. I knew she was missing me and wanted me around all the time, but I thought this was the right thing to do — to go home later. She just asked me to take care of myself. It felt odd. That was the last line my mom told me. Next day, she had a brain haemorrhage and she passed away. She was 40-something, fine before this suddenly happened.
Do you regret not going back?
I know that I could not have gone the next morning. But this thought of not going for so long when she wanted me to, has stayed with me. Now, there are times when people and sometimes you tell yourself that you should be happy because of these things but you are not happy. It’s like chasing a mirage. There’s a story I read of this guy who’s dying of thirst in a desert. He sees a mirage and runs towards it, only to find nothing. He sees another mirage a while later. He’s aware of his situation now, but he runs anyway because he’s dying. This is what we all are doing. We know that nothing can give one that sense of permanence and psychological security that one is craving for.
Source
Sadgati SSR, may your Atma attain Moksh .
🤗
Shiv Shakti
Anupamaa
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