Regarding some of the asexuality discussion.
Sex and love are two completely different things. Treat them as two separate sets that intersect. Sex and love can occur simultaneously. But you don't need love for sex. And love does not need to lead into sex. One of the biggest flaws in society is that the two are always lumped together. This is especially true in India where sex and love are so intertwined. Sex without love is frowned upon and shamed. It is also drilled in that if you find yourself loving or being emotionally vested in someone - the only next logical step is sex and relationships.
While it was easy for me to accept the fact that sex does not need love, it took me a very long time to embrace that love does not need sex.
Seems silly to think of it because as humans we love so prolifically and asexually. We love our parents, grandparents, siblings, cousins, children, other relatives and friends. Each of those loves is unique. Some have an equation of reverence and respect, in others, we get the reverence and respect. Some are formal, some are very informal. With so many wide varieties of 'familial' and 'social' love, it seems silly that 'romantic' love comes only in one flavor that leads to relationship and sex.
During my 'younger' days I thought loving someone in a certain way meant I had to pursue a relationship and sex. I've probably ruined a few friendships because I was conditioned that its black and white and there is no gray zone. Now that I can better embrace emotions without tying it relationships or sex, I can better appreciate the wide varieties of friendship out there.
'Asexuality' is a new word in our social vocabulary. But like homosexuality, it has been around for a very long time. Homosexuality/bisexuality also were new words once even though they have been around for ages. Plato's "Symposium" talks about different variations of love. All the members at the symposium agreed that love beyond familial or physical needs was the highest form of love. It is the Greek work where the term "Platonic" is derived from.
Throughout history, people have had lovers outside their marriages. Not all these lovers were sexual. There are plenty of books (fiction and nonfiction history) on romantic friendships, especially in the Victorian era. Many people, especially women would form very intimate friendships, often writing emotional love letters to each other - but it was never more than friendship.
In later times cohabitation with romantic friendships or platonic marriages became more common. The "Boston Marriage" was sometimes a lesbian relationship, but sometimes was a romantic friendship. The book and movie "Fried Green Tomatoes" is one that can have multiple interpretations. Ruth and Idgie could have been lesbian lovers, they could have been just friends, or they could have been in love platonically.
So questions I would ask people who identify as "asexual" here is
Are you asexual because you don't want marriage/relationships? Or do you not want marriage/relationships because you are asexual?
The reason I ask is because asexuality does not equal no relationship. platonic marriages do exist. There are other asexual people out there who seek asexual relationships. There are people with other identities who do not mind asexual relationships. I know two people who married because they're best friends and want to spend their life together. They do sometimes date and have sex with other people. But there is no sex or chemistry within their marriage at all.
I personally do not like the idea of relationships or marriage. Not that I have some major aversion. Many of the common social expectations make me uncomfortable. Sex itself is a much lower priority. To me great conversations are the biggest turn on. But I don't identify as asexual - because I am astutely aware that I am a sexual being. I go through those phases when I am horny af and just need to get off - other people not required. I do sexualize other people. But I am completely open to the idea of relationships without sex. As long as its ok for me to have sex with others if I need to. More importantly, I don't want to have to remember to text someone everytime I'm late or my plans change etc. No inquisition please on where I am, with whom, doing what.
Anupamaa
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