Dear diary,
I dunno what I am feeling now longing desperation need these words seems too hollow to compare to what I am feeling now. I want to see him talk to him touch him but I know he won't let me. I kills me to be so close yet so far from him. I know he's always there with me whenever I need him whenever I am alone whenever I am in DARK but whenever I am with my friends or in light he leaves me why I dunno. Strange thing is that I don't feel alone in my loneliness cuz I know he's there with me but when I am in crowd I feel alone. Lately I have come to love this darkness and loneliness which once used to scare me cuz I know only in darkness and loneliness I can feel him. Every night in the darkness I could feel his eyes staring at me with intensity that I couldn't see but feel and that make me long for more but I couldn't do anything cuz I know once I'll try to see him or talk to him he'll be gone and I can't bear that.
I still remember the day when I first saw him well not him but his ice cold blue eyes. It all happened 3 years from now I was 20 back then my graduation has completed and me and my friends have planned for mountain trekking in dehradun that day I was doing the same when somehow my rope broke and I fell from the cliff. I was scared hell was praying to god to save me or to send some angel to save me and at last when I lost the hope I was finally waiting for death to engulf me. But that didn't happened I fell in strong but cold arms of someone who changed my life in just few seconds. I couldn't see his face due to strong wind that didn't let me open my eyes completely but I could see his eyes the most beautiful pair of eyes I have ever seen those eyes that were practically emotionless but I dunno if i was assuming or not but I felt some flickers of emotions in them what were those emotions that's a secret to me even now. Those few seconds in his arms gave birth to unknown feelings in me that I was unaware of. I felt like till now I wasn't alive but now I m I could feel that pull towards him that I have never felt for anyone he was an stranger to me I didn't even knew his name hell I didn't even saw his face but I felt belonged and then only I knew I have given myself to him reason unknown sounds completely illogical or insane right I know that's how it is; my relation with beyond logic, completely insane, consuming. I never needed any reason to become infact I myself dunno when I became his that day when he held me in his arms for few secods or was i born to become his i dunno i only know one thing that i belong to beyond reasons beyond logics beyond my life.
In a dazed state I tried to touch his face and what happened like my daydream was broken he left me standing there all alone. Few minutes later my friends came and were shocked to see me all ok without any scratch I told them that someone saved me but none of them believed me as no one lived in that jungle cuz it's highly dangerous for a human to survive. But none of them knew that no matter how dangerous that jungle seem to them I didn't find that forest dangerous cuz that forest gave me him someone who didn't made any promises to me neither said a word yet made me his, true I was saved yet I was lost I lost my old self in that forest.
A month had passed I was back from dehradun to pursue my higher studies. But a part of me was lost I was missing him. During this whole month I tried to reason myself that how can I let myself fall for someone who I didn't knew at all and whats the guarantee that he felt the same . Sometimes I tried to tell myself that it wasn't true at all. How could it be possible it seemed illogical one second you are in someone's arms next second the person is gone like he wasn't there ever. But I failed all the times cuz I know that it was biggest truth of my life now those few secs were most important truth of my life now. Some bonds are beyond reasons beyond logic mine and his was the same. I didn't knew if he felt the same about me or not hell I didn't even knew if he felt anything about me or not the only thing I knew was that I WAS HIS FOR ETERNITY.
Those days I used to feel strange things happening around me specially when I was alone in dark or when there was no sunlight. I used to feel someone is following me during nights I used to feel someone is watching me. Strangely that didn't scared me infact that soothed the pain that I was going through in his memories whole day I used to long for him miss him but during those hours my loneliness was gone cuz I felt him all around me and that provided me my solace.
Then came the day that turned my world upside down. It was after almost 2 months I came back from dehradun. I was coming back to my apartment from my college it was a rainy day I was completely soaked my clothes were sticking to me like second skin I could feel someone was following me but it wasn't like usual it was scaring me so following my instincts I started walking fast but the goons who were following me were faster they surrounded me and were about to attack me but couldn't I dunno what happened one second they were trying to touch me another second they were growling in pain on the ground. That's when I saw him again and at that moment I knew why I wasn't missing him in these dark lonely hours cuz he was there with me he was always following me and also that he wasn't a normal human his cold skin his incredible speed with which he was running taking me in his arms was enough proof of that. Within a few moments we were at the main gate of my apartment and I couldn't hold back myself
"What are you??? Who are you??? Why do I feel so connected with you when I don't even know your face neither could I see you. You aren't a normal human I know we aren't going to have a future I know that too but still I couldn't help but give myself to you in a way that I can't give myself to anyone now the thought itself is a sin to me. Even though I know I should be scared with you but you make me safest than I have ever been. Please either be a of my light or let me be a part of your darkness but don't go away from me just be with me please. I can't bear separation from you anymore"
"Why think separately of this life than the next, when one is born from the last? Time is always too short for those who need it, but for those who love, it lasts forever."
That was for the first time I heard his voice but that didn't felt like first time to me at all I felt that I have heard that voice almost my whole life. Moreover that vow I felt like I have taken that vow thousand time it was enough for me to realise that no matter what our future is going no matter how long we are going to last we are going to be together. Even though we aren't going to be like normal couples I am not going get anything more than just feel of him but that is going to be enough as long as we're together. And now I couldn't help repeat marking him as mine forever just like he marked me as his
"Why think separately of this life than the next, when one is born from the last? Time is always too short for those who need it, but for those who love, it lasts forever."
"At least you can tell me your name"
"Aditya my name is Aditya"
"Zoya"
"I know"
With that he made me stand on my feet and left like that day but this I wasn't sad for I knew he'll come
These memories no matter how many years have passed but still are fresh in my heart and that vow is enough for me to forget all my longing and desperation... I should stop writing now it's time for him to come
"Why think separately of this life than the next, when one is born from the last? Time is always too short for those who need it, but for those who love, it lasts forever."
Closing my diary I repeated the vow and automatically a smile appeared on my lips as I felt his lips touch mine just a small peck and all the longing and sadness of mine flew away like they never existed. I somehow tried to control myself from holding him to make it a perfect kiss as I knew if I did that he'll be gone. I know that I am never going to get anything more than this feel of him but that's enough for me. I know he too wants to give me more than this feel of him but he holds himself as he doesn't want to drag me in his darkness. But I too am stubborn I am going to be a part of his darkness if he can't be a part of my light.
Anupamaa
