Chapter 6
Shiv had had witnessed the most scary event in the days he had been married to Anandi. A harmless move from his side took Anandi back to her past to relive the nightmares of it. He was just trying to zap the mosquito with the racket and Anandi thought that he was going to beat her up. They had been playing snakes and ladder. She was winning and she tried her best to lose but she kept on winning. Her husband Shiv was proud of her gaming skills and wondered why she was deliberately trying to lose but he was not aware that her ex husband would not have liked for his wife to defeat him even at a child's game. Ananya had witnessed her mother's break down. It would scar her for life Shiv thought. Shiv sent Ananya to Irawati's room. He needed to be alone with Anandi. He wanted her to tell him all about her past life and once and for all get rid of the nightmare that her past was. Shiv had promised Ananya that her mother would never have those nightmares again. Anandi did not want to be alone and neither did Shiv want to leave her alone. For the first time in their married life Anandi and Shiv shared the bed. Shiv lay down and Anandi rested her head on his chest. He put his arms protectively around her. Anandi needed to reveal her past and Shiv just had to listen. When you are listening to someone's revelation there is no need for you to respond in words or gesture. You do not need to nod and you do not need to say I understand because you seriously can't. Shiv had to be very patient. He just put his arms around Anandi to make her feel safe. He listened to her story without interrupting her. The only move he made was to wipe her tears when she cried.
She tightly clutched his kurta in her hand. "My journey to hell and back began 4 years ago when... I was 20 when I first met him as my parents decided to get me married to him. He had me hook, line and sinker, a real charmer. After the marriage I came to know his true self. He was a rebel, and life became fast and exciting. His life was parties, dancing, drinking and then more drinking.
I didn't see it coming I should have. He was forceful on our first night itself. Ours was an arrange marriage. I needed time to become intimate with him but I never got the time. The first night was rough. It was just a preview of the animal he was in bed and otherwise. We were on our honeymoon. You were right when you said that a new bride dresses up for her husband and I too had done so. I know if I would have dressed u for you, you would have praised me maybe my beauty too but you would not have done what he did... It was the third day of our marriage. I was a newly wedded bride on my honeymoon. I wanted to look the best for my husband and so I did.
When he saw me dressed up he liked it but then when other males looked at me and passed comments on my beauty he did not react the way you did. You told me it was not my fault for those hooligans teasing me. You told me that I did not ask for it so it was not my fault. He did not think so. He accused me of trying to lure other men on my honeymoon. He accused me of being a s**t, he even called me a w****. How can a husband do it? He is supposed to protect your honor not dishonor you. That day at the cinema hall I got scared on seeing you approach me because he had done it the same way only he reacted differently. You took care of me while he took me to the room and accused me of trying to woo other men. He removed his belt... I did not know what he was going to do but then he started beating me with the belt.
I told my mother but she told me that he was young and young blood reacts this way. She told me things would get better with time. She told me that he loved me and men show their love in the obsessive manner too. I could not tell my father I could not show him my bruises. I followed my mother's advice and began to live the life the way he wanted. He used to tell me to dress up for him and when I did accidently even if someone saw me he used to beat me up. He did not like me wearing makeup in front of others to look beautiful but told me to put it to hide my bruises. I stopped wearing any make up. You asked me na that at home I wear makeup I began wearing it after I left him. I never thought of you in the same way. I just did not know how to tell you this when you had asked me. I did not want you to think that I do not trust you or think that you can abuse me it's just that...
One day my life changed completely. I thought I had seen it all but then I saw another side of him. We out with some of his friends and he had been drinking all day, and then his old girlfriend arrived. I was upset and felt insulted because she sat on his lap and he kissed her, so I went to sit in the car. He came bellowing over, so I locked the door. He put his fist through the passenger window then dragged me through it. After receiving a punch in the head, one of his friends drove me home. At home I tended to my sore head, scrapes and bruises, but what hurt most was that it happened at all. The next day when he arrived at the flat he was full of remorse - things would be different, he wouldn't drink and he would never hurt me again.
I had no choice but to believe him things did improve for a while. It was 3 months into our marriage when I discovered I was pregnant. I thought he would be over the moon with the news. I was wrong. He did not like the news. He wanted me all to himself. He did not want to share me not even with our child. He took me to the doctor to get an abortion but the doctor understood that I was not ready for it. She made an excuse that my condition was not that I could get an abortion. A few months later he came home drunk, and after arguing he punched me in the stomach. I ended up in hospital with a ruptured cyst on my ovary. The baby was all right. Returning home I gave him an ultimatum - his friends or me. He chose me or at least pretended for the time being.
However after our baby was born the drinking continued, and the abuse continued. I stayed, as I could not see a way out. Brief times when he was sober, things seemed pleasant. My way of life became moving from one house to another with him, as people became aware of my situation (the domestic abuse), although I had learnt to hide the bruises and he was good at not leaving them where they could be seen. I know that you have many a times seen my past when I was not in my senses. I am sorry for putting you through that pain. I was not just the physical abuse, he abused me in every way a man can abuse a woman. He never considered my strength or my weakness when it came to his needs. I had to fulfill them even when I was not able to. He was sick in his mind. He wanted me to cater to his needs even when I was on my cycle and even during my pregnancy. He did not care that the child could be hurt when I was pregnant and when I was on my cycle... When I could not give him vag**** sex he went a***... on me... It hurt but he did not care. I am sorry to tell you all but to forget the past I need to say it all. I have never spoken about it to anyone. I know it must be hard for you but I am sorry I have no choice.
The first time he looked at my daughter the same way he looked at me I told him that I would go to the cops a threat which I then dropped when he made his promises and sometimes, even, threats against me. It was the same every night and every day. He would drink and abuse me. I had no support from my parents. Finally that night came when it was to end. He was drunk and accused me of having an affair with our neighbor. He said he was leaving me. He snatched Ananya from my hands and put her inside the car. I know I should not have got into the car with him but he had my child. I got into the car. I pleaded with him to stop and let us get out but he did not. Ananya was scared and she would not stop crying. He told me to shut her up and he would do it. I tried but I too was too scared. When I could not pacify her he tried to gag her... She was choking and I was fighting him. Just then...
Just then our car banged into another. I will never forget that night. It was raining heavily. There were not many cars on the road as it was way past midnight. He was driving carelessly and was also drunk. We were on the University road. The car swerved and we crashed into another car. Everything went blank. When I opened my eyes in the hospital I saw Sumitra ma in front of me. She was holding my 6 month old Ananya. She was a social worker who worked for abused women. The hospital had contacted her and also the cops. With her help I made a complaint against that monster, who not only put Ananya's and my life in danger but might have also responsible for someone else's loss.
Sumitra ma took me to the women's shelter and then to her home. I was the child she never had and she the mother I always wanted. She, Ananya and I became a family. I was happy living the life of a free woman as I got a divorce and that monster was behind bars being sentenced for life. There was something still unsettled in me. I could not stop thinking of the people in the other car. I went to the hospital and the police station in the next couple of days but I was not given any information. I wanted to know about them. All I want to know that they are safe... Even today when I am happy smiling at Ananya or when I am with you I think of those people. What must have happened of them? All I want to know is that they are happy and safe."
Anandi's tears had fallen on Shiv's kurta and had wet it. She looked up at him. He was crying too. She wiped his tears. Shiv's grip on her was tight. He was not letting her go. They looked at each other. "I want to know about the people in the other car. I never got any information on them. I can let go of my past but I also need to let go of the guilt. You have connections you can find out if they are safe and happy. Could you find out for me? Please." Shiv wiped her tears and put her head back on his chest. "I am sure they are happy wherever they are."
Anandi revealed her painful past to Shiv and also unknown to her he got certain answers. Anandi slept peacefully while tears constantly flowed down Shiv's eyes. He could not sleep that night. He took care of Anandi the whole night but there was no one to take care of him. Anandi revealed her past and also unraveled a secret Shiv was searching for. He wiped his own tears. The dark night had passed.
It was a bright new day. Anandi opened her eyes as the sunrays streamed into the room. She was feeling light like the weight of the world had been lifted off her chest. She felt something hard under her head but a sweet sound brought a smile to her lips. Her head rested on Shiv's hard chest hearing the sweet sound of his heart beats. She looked at him while resting her head on his chest. She did not want to wake him up. She got up quietly but her mangalsutra was tangled on his kurta button. She freed it as gently as possible. She sat there looking at Shiv. He had dried tear marks on his cheeks. She wiped them. "I wish that one day you will be able to trust me enough to tell me about your past. I hope that when that day comes I too can be the pillar of strength you were to me last night. I will wait for that day when you can open up to me the way I opened up to you." She caressed his face and got off the bed. Serene, peaceful and calm are only a few words to describe what Anandi felt like this morning.
Shiv got up and Anandi was not in bed with him. Just then she walked into the room. Her hair was dripping wet and she was dressed in a beautiful red anarkali dress. Anandi dried her hair with a dryer. She was careful enough not to let the water droplets fall on Shiv. She did not want him to be troubled. She wanted calm and peace in his life like he had brought to hers. By now she had concluded one thing that Shiv was scared of pouring water. He was scared of the rains and so he did not have a shower in his washroom. He could not even bear to look at the water pouring from a watering can. She knew that he had lost Ashima on a rainy night. He was scared because of the rains as the rains took away the one he loved the most. Anandi who never envied anyone in her life began to envy Ashima. She never had anyone feel such deep love for her. She wanted it too. She was ready to share it with Ashima but she wanted and needed Shiv's love.
Shiv looked at Anandi. Now she had no shackles of her past around her ankles. He had freed her from them. He had kept his promise to his daughter Ananya. Now it was time to keep his promises to his late wife. She had on her death bed asked him to move on. She had asked him to let her go and also to move on. Find love and live a happy life. He had for 2 and a half years searched for answers which he got the night before. He had to keep secrets from Anandi. He could not let her know about Ashima's death. He did not want her to feel any guilt. Anandi through the mirror saw Shiv fidget with his wedding ring. She knew he was troubled. She raised her eye brows. He shook his head in a no. She had finished getting dressed and she was ready for the day. She did not press him to tell her what troubled him. She wanted him to tell her on his own. Shiv got off from the bed and he got ready for the day.
Shiv was in the office. Ananya had returned from school and she could not wait to tell Shiv about the day she had. She called him up at the office. Ananya and Shiv were having their conversation of milk and coffee. Ananya was talking nonstop and Shiv replied to every question and responded to every statement. They were having a fine conversation. Suddenly Shiv heard something. It was the pitter patter of the rain. He did not know it was raining as the blinds in his office were closed and the windows were sound proof. The sound of the rain was beginning to affect him. His voice became shaky and he was beginning to be unresponsive. Then he heard some other voices. "Anandi, why did you close the windows beta? Dekho it is raining. Are you afraid of the rain too?" Her voice trailed off with the last words.
"No ma I am not afraid of the rain but haan I am afraid to get wet in the rain. Over the years layers have accumulated on my soul and my heart. I am afraid that if I get wet in the rain those layers will be washed off. I am afraid to show that there is still the Anandi alive inside underneath all those layers who once had love to give and wanted to receive love." "Why beta? Why don't you want to show that Anandi?" "Even if I do show that Anandi, there is no one to see it ma. His eyes search only for Ashima. I am not her neither can I be. I can't show him the heart that wants to give and receive love because he has given his whole heart to Ashima. There is no place for me in it and no place for my love. I want him to look into my soul and my heart ma but he is not capable of it. Ma they say you share you happiness with everyone but you share you pain with the once closest to you. I shared my pain with him ma but he can't with me." "Beta, have patience. Shiv has locked himself behind a thousand locks. I am sure one by one with your love, patience and commitment you will be able to unlock them and you will get Shiv out of his past." Irawati consoled Anandi but her consoling was of no use till Shiv did not work at it.
Shiv was sitting in his office. He had overheard Anandi and Irawati's conversation. Anandi's words were constantly paying in his ears. Her sad face flashed in front of his eyes. He looked at the picture on his table. Anandi and Ananya were smiling at each other. He wanted her to smile the same way when she looked at him. He made a decision for him and her as a couple. In the evening when he reached home he went to his room and opened his cupboard. He removed an ornate box from it. The contents of the box were the only thing that was left of Ashima. He removed her picture. "Ashima I was trying to find the answer to my questions from the last 2 and a half year. I wanted to know why you were taken away from me. I wanted to know why I lost the love of my life. Now all my questions have been answered. I now know that you did not die in vain. I know that your death was supposed to happen for a greater purpose. I will not let your death be in vain. I will serve the purpose you died for. I will do it with my whole heart. I have to let you go so that I can give my whole heart to her. I hope you understand if I never let her know about you. It is for her good and for our happiness. You were my first love and you shall always have a special place in my heart which now should belong to her and only her." He took a long look at Ashima's things and for the last time remembered the moments spent with her. He removed his wedding ring and placed it in the box. He then went to the back garden and burned the box. He had lit her pyre but had not let go of her. On this day he said his final goodbye to Ashima. The tears of bidding good bye to Ashima were soon replaced by a smile when he saw his wife and daughter playing in the garden.
Anandi knew that the rains troubled Shiv. After dinner Shiv was working in his room. Ananya was watching her cartoon and Anandi was getting ready for the night. The revelation of her past had freed her. She was now free to think about Shiv as her husband. It had brought upon a new worry for her. After having a relaxing bath she came to her and Shiv's bedroom. She did not see him in the room. She got ready for the night. While she was applying her creams she remembered Irawati's words. She had to with love, patience and commitment unlock Shiv's past and you will get Shiv out of it. She may not have many qualities but love, patience and commitment were her best. As she turned to go to her room she saw Shiv sitting in a corner of his room. She had never seen Shiv like that. He was sitting on the floor, his legs folded and crossed at his chest and he was staring at the monster, named rain pouring from the sky. He had tears in his eyes.
Anandi's eyes welled up seeing Shiv like that. He had been a rock for her but now he was crumbling. She went to Shiv and placed her hand on his shoulder. Shiv looked up with teary eyes and saw someone in white. The face was not clear to him but he saw an angelic smile. Anandi knelt next to him and hugged him. "Shiv I am with you. I promise the monster will never take anyone you love away from you. If you will tell me to I will bring back Ashima for you. I will be her for you. I will never let anyone hurt you ever again." Shiv pressed his head hard on her chest and cried like a small child grabbing on to her like his life depended on it. After sometime Anandi wiped his tears and took him to bed. She made him lie on the bed and sat next to him. Shiv was facing away from her. She ran her fingers though his hair calming him down. "Shiv please speak with me about everything that trouble you. I am your wife, hai na? You will not share you troubles with me? I shared mine with you the same way I want you to share your troubles with me so that I can take them away. Ok koi baat nahi raat bahut ho chuki hai ab aap so jaaiye. Main hoon yahaan." She continued to caress Shiv's face and hair. When she thought Shiv would not open up to her Shiv spoke.
"I am scared of the rains. They took away Ashima and our unborn child. I was driving her to the hospital. She was in labor. She was so happy that our baby was going to come into the world. We had seen so many dreams for the baby but now all dreams would remain as dreams. She died a death I would not wish to my worst enemy. On her heath bed she asked me to move on. To find love again... I was not ready to find love again but..." Anandi wiped Shiv's tears and offered him a glass of water asking him to take a break but he did not want to stop. It was as if the gates had opened and the flood of his pain was gushing out of him. "I wanted answers to why she was taken away from me. I now know why..." "Why Shiv? Why do you think she was taken away from you?" Shiv could not answer and Anandi did not pressure him. She wanted him to speak all that he wanted to.
Anandi felt a strange feeling inside her. She had never felt it before. Shiv and she had both opened up to the other. They cared for the other even if they masked the feelings of care. They had been joined by their love for Ananya but he had grown on her. She had begun to care for him not only as the father of her child but also her husband. She did not know if he would reciprocate her feelings even then she could not stop her heart from developing them. It was not teenage attraction. She was a grown woman a mother who had fallen in love with her husband. Is this love?' She wondered. Yes it is.' She smiled. Anandi fell more in love with Shiv after knowing of his painful past. She looked at Shiv who was now lying with his head on her lap. He has been through so much. No wonder he wears a mask. He does not want to share the pain with others. His pain and past was his own which now he shared with me. I have opened a lock. Ma was right. I will free him of his pain. No wonder he reacted the way he did when he saw the rains. Now I understand why he lets ma and Ananya sit in the car with him but not me. He is scared that I will be taken away from him too.'
Shiv gradually fell asleep in her lap. She kept on caressing his face and hair. From time to time she wiped the tiny tear droplets forming on the corner of his eyes. After sometime she decided to go to her room. Shiv was already tensed with so much revelation. She did not want him to wake up and see her there and feel awkward or angry. She was again thinking as a wife and her duties towards her husband. She gently lifted his head from her lap and placed it on the pillow. She was getting of the bed but felt a pull on her duappta. Shiv was sleeping holding her dupatta. She did not have in her heart to free herself from him when he needed her the most. She lied down next to him. Whatever he would say to her in the morning she would take it but for now there was no way she would leave him alone.
"Mamma mamma..." Ananya entered the room. "Shh... Papa is sleeping." Anandi called Ananya to her. "Mamma why are you sleeping here? Mujhe bhi soi soi karni hai. How will I go to sleep if you don't tell me a story?" Anandi caressed her cheeks and kissed her on the forehead. "Ananya, can you manage without mamma tonight? Papa needs mamma and she can't leave him. Mamma does not want to leave him." Ananya looked at Shiv. He too was sleeping holding Anandi's dupatta like she did when she was scared. "Mamma papa is feeling scared?" "Yes." "Ok you take care of papa. I will sleep in dadi's room. She tells so nice stories. Waisi toh aapko bhi nahi aati." Ananya kissed her papa good night and also her mamma. Anandi called Irawati and asked her to take Ananya.
The next morning when Shiv opened his eyes he felt like a mountain had been lifted off of his chest. He felt something softer than his pillow under his head and it was moving. Could it be?... He lifted his head to see that he had slept resting on Anandi's chest. He made no sudden moves as she was sleeping peacefully. He made sure that his weight was not on her. As the sunlight fell on Anandi's face Shiv saw her in a new light. He remembered the way she took care of him when he was in pain reliving the painful past. She in his eyes was no longer the pretty annoying woman he had first met, she was now his wife. She was not only the mother of his child he had taken care of silently for so many days but she was now the woman who took care of him. Something inside him was changing for Anandi. A smile silently came to his lips when she scrunched her nose. She was looking ethereal as a lock of hair fell on her forehead. Shiv gently tucked the lock of hair behind her ear.
He was admiring her because she was asleep. Had she been awake well that would be a different story. He was looking at her when Anandi stirred in her sleep. Shiv sat up on the bed as Anandi was coming out of her sleep. "Good morning." She wished him with a smile. "Good morning. You didn't have to sleep here at night. Who took care of Anaya? You should have not left her alone for me." Anandi put her hand on his lips. "Do you know that you talk too much? I could have said and asked you the same when I woke up yesterday. Did I? Nahi na. Where is the marriage manual that says only you can take care of me? Can't I take care of you? Ananya is with ma. Apparently ma has better stories to tell than me." Shiv smiled as the first time not only was he seeing his wife in Anandi but also a bahu. Shiv did not say anything but he agreed to what Anandi said. They both had to take care of the other and together as a team they had to take care of Ananya. Shiv got ready and left for the office.
Anandi was emotionally drained after hearing about Shiv's painful past. Shiv reached the office and got busy in work. Irawati and Anandi were alone in the house. "Anandi!" Irawati called Anandi but she did not reply. She was looking at Shiv's picture. Irawati came to Anandi and Shiv room. Anandi looked at her and smiled. "You were right ma. He told me about the accident last night. It must have been so painful for him." "It was very painful beta. Imagine you are taking you wife to the hospital for her delivery and some drunk driver rams his car into yours. You lose the love of your life and also the unborn child." Anandi looked at her. "Irawati sat next to her. It was a terrible accident beta. 2 years 6 months ago on a rainy night Shiv lost Ashima. She was inspired by the women of the west. She wanted to wait till the last day to be admitted at the hospital. Her labor pains began and Shiv was taking her to the hospital. It was night upar se it was raining heavily. The weather was bad but Shiv was dirivng carefully as Ashima was in the car with him. Then out of nowhere on the University Road a drunk driver swerved his car and rammed it into Shiv's car. Shiv lost his love, his wife and their child."
Irawati left for some work. The world came down collapsing on Anandi when she heard the whole truth. She got her answers. She looked at Shiv's picture. "You told me that the people in the other car were happy where they were... Yes now I know that Ashima and the child she carried must be happy in the gardens of heaven. But you did not tell me that it was you and Ashima in the car. You lost her because I was trying to save Ananya. Is this why I was brought into your life? To give you back what was taken away from you? You did not for once let me know that I was the reason for what you lost. Why are you so good? What did I do to deserve you? I promise I will never let you know that I know the whole truth. You did not want me to know and feel guilt so I will pretend not to know. I will do everything for your happiness. I will give you all the love you deserve, mine and Ashima's." She smiled at his picture.
When Shiv came home in the evening Irawati told him about the conversation she had with Anandi. "Ma why did you tell her? Main nahi bata sakta tha use poora sach? Ma I wanted to bring her out of her painful past and the guilt she felt for..." "The guilt she felt for what?" "The accident on University Road." Shiv looked at Irawati and she understood it all. Fate had them cross paths in the past. They were destined to be. She put her hand on his head and blessed him. He hugged his mother and cried. He had never cried after Ashima's death. She wiped his tears and asked him to speak with Anandi as she must be feeling guilt. Shiv went to the room and saw Anandi and Ananya playing. Shiv and Anandi looked at each other. Their silence spoke volumes. She asked for forgiveness and he told her not to feel guilt. What he told her was the truth. Ashima and the child she carried were happy in the gardens of the heavens. With Ananya and her in his life he had his own heaven on earth.
"Papa this is for you." Ananya walked into her parents' room carrying her mamma bear and baby bear. "Ananya you are giving me mamma bear and baby bear? Kyun?" "Papa you got scared na at night. Mamma was with you but I was not. So I am giving you baby bear. I am like baby bear na I will take care of you when you get scared." "But mamma was with me then why are you giving me mamma bear?" "Uff these big people don't understand anything. Papa mamma was with you last night because I said ok. But every night how mamma will sleep with you? You were scared so she slept here. Everyday toh mamma sleeps in my room na?" Anandi and Shiv looked at each other. Ananya in her childish way made them realize something. They were there for the other when they were sad or scared but what about in happy times. Was it only the pain that connected them? Would they always be there for the other only in troubled times? Couldn't they have a happy life? Were they ready to be husband and wife? Could she accept him as her husband? Husband' Shiv thought, when she hears this word the only thing she knew was the monster. Could he accept her as his wife? Wife' Anandi thought, when he said wife he was reminded of the angel he saw and fell for on the first day of college.
Anandi and Shiv were lost in each other and the whirlpool of questions in their minds. Ananya came and held their hands. They came out of their daze and smiled at her. Of course they could find happiness with the angel connecting them.' Anandi and Shiv both kneeled to kiss Ananya but she moved away once more. Anandi and Shiv's lips were inches away. They joined their foreheads as joining their kismet. Anandi and Shiv looked into each other's eyes. It began to rain. Ananya took them to the main door of the house. She wanted to have a rain bath. Anandi and Shiv both sat on the steps and looked at the rain. "I want to see the real you Anandi... I want to see that Anandi's heart and soul which wants to give and receive love." Anandi looked at Shiv. She got up and went out in the rain. She spread her arms and let the rain wash off every layer that had been accumulated on her. She slowly turned feeling every drop of rain on her skin. Shiv sat there admiring Anandi. After some time he got up and ...
A/N: Dear readers, Do hit 'LIKE' and also leave behind your precious feedbacks if you have liked this chapter. Kindly forgive my mistakes as i have not proof read it.
Anupamaa
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