Sumitra! Kya bolti tu?

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lovesunshine

@lovesunshine

Voyager

Posted: 12 years ago

#31

yea surabhi i think its just that sumitra does not like ganga...and somewhere she knows that jagya and ganga are getting closer...and sumitra has a problem with that..last timesumitra supported anandi against jagya which was a right thing to do but now she is supporting the wrong girl saachi and once agian going against jagya..and this time she is totally wrong..

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sectoreight

@sectoreight

Inactive

Posted: 12 years ago

#32

Kools,

superb mindblowing tagda karara jawab to my earlier posts on sumitra!! 👏👏👏

Just awesome. I very rarely change my views on the forum. But you have me sold. The clarity of your thoughts is fantastic.

As you might have guessed, my views have absolutely nothing to do with sumitra 😆 ... they are really about me. I project my own thoughts onto sumitra.

I too am dealing with a wayward son who has come back into the fold like Jagya ... and after years of making bad choices like Jagya and shouting "I am independent" ... has come back with tail between his legs.

I love him very much, and support him, but dont respect him. My husband washed all hands off the responsibility because he doesnt want the blame again of having ruined his life. Said "let him do what he wants to do. at best we can just keep him comfortable, and hope it all turns out okay eventually"

I am more action-oriented. Want to fix the little bugger's life 😆😆😆

I have two other children - both daughters who did really well in life -- got into top professions, top colleges, did things in required timelines -- marriage, kids etc. I really love all three of my kids, but only respect the two girls for the way they have managed their lives without any extraordinary help from me.

I never mollycoddled any of my children, and both the girls and the boy were expected to do equal work at home/outside/in the kitchen etc. We never had a dadisa to spoil the boy, and even after deep introspection, I still dont understand where our parenting went wrong.

And if my parenting skills were so poor, then how come the girls turned out okay I wonder?

Anyway, the point you said about being two-faced -- verbally saying "I forgive you" but not really forgiving hit a nerve, and being a consistent judge also hit a nerve.

We;ll see how it unravels. I am not going to make any swift changes because I am too rigidly locked into my routine.

But your post has definitely helped me see what I am doing, and now i am consciously aware of it, which is a starting point.

Even if I remain the same, atleast I will do it by design, because I consciously choose my approach ... as opposed to just doing the thing I do by default without any real sense of why I do things the way I do.

Much love to you kools. ❤️

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koolsadhu1000

@koolsadhu1000

Stunner

+ 3

Posted: 12 years ago

#33

Thank u dear

don't be too hard on urself though , its not always that the parenting skills go wrong . Sometimes its circumstantial and sometimes it just happens . If one believes in fate , naseeb is the answer .

The children become their own individuals as they grow up and parents find out that they really cannot control anything of his /her life ...

it is deluding when good things happen in the child's life ...often the parents credit themselves with that success

the bubble bursts when bad things happen ...its i raised him and he/she turned out this way , where did i go wrong

it is an ego . A naive , harmless one , but nevertheless one .

If the offsprings make mistakes and then return , the forgiveness should be beyond ego . The focus should be on only on resettling him her to find a way . Neither should there be recounting past mistakes nor should there be anger . Coz both r a waste of time . Both achieve nothing .

Recounting past mistakes only makes the child guilty and guilt is a negative feeling . Neither does it improve him or give the parent mental peace .

Sometimes it becomes imperative to remind the child he is doing same mistake done in the past . But open ur mouth only when its necessary and point out gently . At no point should the child feel its 'I told u so '

Coz thats a sureshot way of hardening him/her .

See , its like this . He is standing in the ulta direction at the start of a road

the parents job is to gently and firmly turn him/her around and put him on the best track available .

Nothing else . As life is too short , often the fear is will i be alive to see him on the right track or will i die disappointed

Fathers have this natural practical mind set ...they r more objective and neutral but

the never say die attitude which often makes a home is the mother's . She is hopeful till the end , never gives up .😊

And she has that worry =love that helps her at a point to rise above ego and simply see what can be done .

I am no one to judge but i have 3 children like u so i know exactly what you r talking about .

Cheers , everything will work out .

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lovesunshine

@lovesunshine

Voyager

Posted: 12 years ago

#34

Hey Kools I love your views...I had interacted eralier on sanskaar dharohar forum ..

sectoreright, thanks for sharing your story!! I am a young mother and love to read all the advice i can get 😛

And I love that you respect your daughters more because they managed to take care of their life on their own...

unfortunately as a daughter i think i have failed my parents as i was not and still not the perfect daughter they wanted, my younger sister is as she has fulfilled all their dreams..

i was to say very average in my studies and more inclined to performance arts like drama, dance etc...and my parents really did not like me taking up that field...they wanted my to study and become a dr, engineer mba or something big...get a good job and settle down the arranged marriage way..

i did exactly the opposite in my life... was an average student so did not get admission in good college ...but never asked my parents to pay a bribe to get into good college, i accepted the college that i got into even though it was not that good ...then I did my graduation and masters (in commerce) which is not considered a great achievment..after my bachelor's , I got a job in a calllcentre which raised eyebrows amongst my family...(but atleast I was earning)...

i did my masters part time while i was working..
then met a guy who is not from my community and married him..again raised eyebrows...

whereas my sibbling..was a brilliant student academically, then after her graduation , she asked parents to pay for her studies abroad...then even when she was studying abroad she did not do any part time job to pay for her accommodation (which is very common in students studying abroad), my parents kept paying all the expenses..then she completed her studies and again achieved academic success in her marks..my parents were proud of her..

then for many months she did not find job in her field...and was not ready work for 'lower jobs'... my parents supported her ...n then my parents had to use their contacts to get her the job that she wanted..

so sometime i feel i never made my parents do all this extra work for me ...so why i am not the 'respected' child ?

i dont have any jealousy for my sibling...but just always have a question in my mind why i am not the favourite child of my parents? whats the bad part in me that my parents see?

n becoz of this i am scared to give birth to a second child as i fear that i what if do the same thing and differentiate in my children too??

Edited by lovesunshine - 12 years ago

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lovesunshine

@lovesunshine

Voyager

Posted: 12 years ago

#35

Originally posted by: Truthseeker
Talking about the parents - children relationship---- i came across this lovely statement somewhere.."Children come through us into this world, not from us". Just wanted to share.

Brilliant !! I will keep this in my mind whenever i will face trouble/hurdles while bringing up my child 😊

Edited by lovesunshine - 12 years ago

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lovesunshine

@lovesunshine

Voyager

Posted: 12 years ago

#36

Originally posted by: Truthseeker

My pleasure :). Not one, you should go for two...because that is what you wanted but just kept it aside due to fear . If parents keep that in their mind, it shows in their actions which will be a boon to the child and will be a win-win for both!

I am still not mentally ready for the second child...becaue one thing is for sure if I decide to have a second child...i want to give both my children equally the best I can ..so still not ready for it yet...as bringing a child to this world is a big responsibility..

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seetha74

@seetha74

Dazzler

Posted: 12 years ago

#37

Originally posted by: lovesunshine
I am still not mentally ready for the second child...becaue one thing is for sure if I decide to have a second child...i want to give both my children equally the best I can ..so still not ready for it yet...as bringing a child to this world is a big responsibility..

Dear Love...you cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you ,and in that you will be mastering the change ----rather than allowing it to master you. Parents are guidelines ---and children are the torch bearers for the future. Cheer up my child...CHEER UP!!!

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lovesunshine

@lovesunshine

Voyager

Posted: 12 years ago

#38

Originally posted by: SEETHA.K
Dear Love...you cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you ,and in that you will be mastering the change ----rather than allowing it to master you. Parents are guidelines ---and children are the torch bearers for the future. Cheer up my child...CHEER UP!!!

😊 Thanks

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sectoreight

@sectoreight

Inactive

Posted: 12 years ago

#39

Originally posted by: Truthseeker
Talking about the parents - children relationship---- i came across this lovely statement somewhere.."Children come through us into this world, not from us". Just wanted to share.

This is actually a line from the poem called "Children" written by the poet Khalil Gibran.

Here is the whole poem

CHILDREN

Khalil Gibran

And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, "Speak to us of Children."
And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Edited by sectoreight - 12 years ago

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koolsadhu1000

@koolsadhu1000

Stunner

+ 3

Posted: 12 years ago

#40

so sometime i feel i never made my parents do all this extra work for me ...so why i am not the 'respected' child ?

Heart wrenching question dear . Happens in 90% of the cases where there r more than one child .

Parents have their favorites . They are very flawed human beings , not godly as hindi serials show .

Sometimes they don't even know they have favorites . They do it quite unconsciously but they do it all the time and the child that is always sidelined observes this helplessly and sadly .

They learn sometimes in their old age . It is called as karmic results . But often they don't learn at all and leave the planet without learning . May be they reap the karmic results in their next birth if one believes in such a thing . Who knows . Anyways thats what one believes to console the pained heart .

But i feel best is

not to waste time holding grudges or feeling sad but

learning something from it .

In your case you don't hold grudges . But the puzzled question , arisen out of lifelong sadness is there in the heart .

Maybe you can avoid it if u have 2 kids dear as you have suffered the pain of favouritism yourself .

Don't let that fear influence u to have or not have a second kid . If u have or don't have a second kid it should be a choice made without any individual fears , based on only the dreams u and ur husband have for ur marital blisss .

Personally i feel respect for a kid should not be dependent on

his/her academic success

his/her material success

him/her chalking life as per ur wish and instructions

it should only be for the soul in him /her and the focus should be on whether he/she turned out to be a good human being , fit to live in society .

That he/she has not taken pleasure in harming anyone .

One kid may be average , one may be brilliant , one may not be exactly brilliant but above average . All 5 fingers r always different . Mystery of nature .

You cannot love or withold ur love depending on their success or failure rate coz then

it is not love anymore but ego , as you are identifying ur own success with the sucess of the kid and failure disgusts u .

And this delusion continues through out life .

May be u will be an objective parent bcoz of ur personal experiences ? Why fear ?

Regard that as an experience . Don't waste any time in hoping for respect from them but rather don't make your respect for ur kids dependent on certain factors if u ever decide to have more than one .

Edited by koolsadhu1000 - 12 years ago

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