He is my SOULMATE - OS

A sense of exhaustion dawned upon my senses as I slipped myself into the chair beside my husband's bed. He is fast asleep due to the strong sedative Lal Singh has put him on. But his features still savour the same serenity and verve as ever – without an iota of pain or hurt. I don't know how he does this all the time but it's strange how being happy is so simple for him. The smallest of things make him pleased... a simple morning walk...a little teasing with his younger brother...fulfilling the demands of his younger sister...kite flying with nandu...chit-chat over tea with dadisa...riddle-solving with my school girls...teaching English to nathu. And most unbelievable...my halwa! Sometimes I just keep staring at him bemusedly when he gobbles on my halwa so keenly. The zeal on his face at that moment is easily comparable to a child who has just got his favorite toy. Indeed he is a child only – A child whose a heady dichotomy of innocence and mischief. I still can't forget how he feared a small needle and tried to dodge it with such persistence. But strangely tonight was different! Way too different to remain unnoticed. Tonight when Lal Singh was doing his stitches he didn't fear the needle even a bit...and rather it was me who winced much more than him. It was really strange! I generally don't fear medical procedures but everytime Lal singh sewed the delicate skin of his arm...I grimaced and sighed. Seeing me so worried he even asked me to wait outside but I knew he needed me. I knew he won't be fine if I won't hold his hand. It's strange how he still feels I don't understand him.

But really is he the one I should blame for this? Not really. It's me. Have I ever given him a chance to know what I feel for him.Have I ever told him that I do understand him and the depth of his emotions. Never! And with that thought I feel disgusted at myself. Tonight when he was fighting with those goons my heart was pounding so hard as if it would just jump out of my chest and break into pieces. With every attack he faced...a part of me shook to death. And finally when he took that knife, that was aimed on Jagiya, upon himself...a part of my conscious ripped with a vehemence that numbed my senses. There was nothing my mind could comprehend...except the fact that my world was shattering in front of my eyes. There was so much I wanted to tell him. So much I wanted to share. Things I have never told him. Like how much I love that sky blue shirt on him...how much I adore him when he peeps at me from the corner of his glasses...how much I wish to hug him whenever he does something for my family...how much I wish to pull his cheeks when he makes those innocent faces to dodge my kadha...how much pride I take in whenever he does something for Jetsar...how beautiful I feel when he adorns my maang with his opulent hue...and how much I wish to spend every moment of my life by his side!

The fear of not being able to tell him all these things ever again ushered within me a pain that was far more excruciating than the summation of all the pains I have ever endured in my life. I would have died if all those feelings had remained unsaid with no hope of a second chance.

But almighty has given me a second chance. By giving him back to me. I feel blessed and sanctified. Coz today if something would have happened to him...even I won't have survived. My heart sinks and my eyes brim with fresh tears as I realize what all it took me to come to terms with my own emotions. To take confidence in myself and my feelings for him. I never told him what I feel for him...how much I cherish his company...how much I yearn for him when he is not around...how much I miss him when he is in office and I am at school...how painful I feel when he comes and quietly sleeps by my side every night without a single expectation in his eyes. And I know why I never told this to him. Because I was scared! I was scared if I'd ever divulge how much emotionally dependent he has made me on himself...he might leave me. Just like Jagiya left. I always told Jagiya how much I love him...how much I adore him...what he means for me. There was no way left in which I didn't express my love for him. But the response to all those efforts took me by storm. My gifts were thrown away...my surprise plans were rubbished and made fun of...my sincere effort to make myself educated and well-versed was disregarded as a trait of an unworthy daughter-in-law and a wannabe modern wife...and even when I surrendered to him a woman's most precious procession, my flesh, he drew on it as a use and throw item...an item for momentary pleasure. With all this how could have I dared to divulge my true feelings! How could have I did it to myself once again? And that too to a man I had strangely begun to admire. The man who made me believe in the bond of friendship once again...who looked at me with such awe etched across his features that it made me feel as if I am the most beautiful woman of the world...who embraced me so firmly as if he won't let go of me till an eternity...and the one and only man who loved me with a heart that just saw my beauty and ignored all my faults. The thought that one day he will come to discover the same unworthiness within me which made Jagiya dump me, scared me to death. I didn't want to lose my best friend...my confider. And so I began to camouflage my emotions. I never really told him what I feel for him and how much I look up to him. The only day I could verbalize a part of my feelings for him was the day when he called off our marriage. And as they say, desperate times call for desperate measures. I had to speak my heart out to save our relationship...to make his confusions come at rest. But honestly that wasn't all. There was so much I didn't say even on that day...so much I hid within myself. And again the reason was my fear. My fear to lose what I can't afford to.

But tonight as I sobbed holding his hand in the ambulance...fear gave a new dimension to itself. The fear of not being able to tell him all my the plethora of emotions I feel for him took a gigantic leap over the fear of a second abandonment. I could not believe I had so much to say to him. I just wanted to hold him and share all my pain and pleasure with him. The pleasure of finding him and the pain of ever losing him. And though he was constantly assuring me that he was fine and it didn't pain much...nothing helped. I cried helplessly and inconsolably. I refused to let go of his hand when Lal Singh wanted to check upon his wound. Lal Singh and everyone from the family tried to calm me down. But I didn't give in. I fought and remained by his side throughout the treatment. And all this while he just kept on assuring me that he was fine. But I wasn't sure and thus, just kept on holding onto his hand till Bapusa dropped us home and helped me to put him to bed.

And now as I look at him sleeping peacefully in this safe haven of ours...securely under my gaze, I know what it feels to lose life and be granted a chance to live again. I know there can be fears greater than rejection...the fears of loss and forever yearning. And Of course, today I know the pain of feelings left unsaid. And the feelings left unreciprocated. It's strange I never realized how much pain I was giving him by keeping my emotions locked so stubbornly. I never realized how helplessly he bled on the thorns I had unintentionally laid on his path by keeping my emotions a secret. But how would I know? He never let a single expression of pain come to his conduct. He endured all those thorns with such serenity that it made me justify my weaknesses as my helplessness.

But not any longer. From now on I won't hide anything from him. For I don't want a single emotion left unemoted and unsaid. I will tell him all. I will tell him what he means for me.I will tell him how much I want him. I will tell him how much dependent my life has become on him. And though the rest of me still fears to lose him...a part of me has awaken to a hope that this time I won't be betrayed. I won't be dumped. For he is not anyone else. He is my lover...he is my SOULMATE!😳