FF: With regret - Final part on page 16 - Page 6

Moving up to his knees, Shiv kneeled in front of his wife. His wife of one month. His wife, who had finally built up courage to face him head on. His wife, who was his - ultimately, in thought, as well as on paper. Raising a tentative hand towards her face, he held back at the last moment. "Anandi, what is this? Are you sure about this? You know I have been waiting for you, but I don't want another samjhauta. I don't want you to feel that you have to do this, out of some wifely duty. Life has been good. I see your beloved face every day. I hear the sound of your breathing as I go to sleep at night and when I get up in the morning. The chanak of your payals gives me hope that there is life around me. Your aroma ensures me that I am surrounded by your joy for life... I can wait, wait till eternity, until I make a place in your heart."

Meeting his querying look fully, no hesitation in hers, Anandi stared back into his eyes, losing herself in the molten depths. "Shiv, I haven't said this so far, but you mean far more to me than just a friend. As each day passes, I realize how dear you are to me. Your care, your adoration, your love is apparent in every move you make, every action you take, and every glance of your eyes. I was blind, blind to your feelings and my own." Every day that passed tortured me internally. I struggled with myself; how could I love anybody again, after failing in my first attempt at love. Yes, love, Shiv. I do love you. I love you with a devotion that I have never felt for anyone, ever. "No, don't interrupt me, Shiv... I may never gain the courage to say all this again."

Closing her eyes tight, "Shiv, when I got married for the first time, it was a game for me. The game thrilled me, tortured me, and enthralled me. I gained a new mother and father. A grandmother who didn't like me initially, but adored me over time. A best friend, who slowly and gradually became the beend I was told to respect and adore. Proximity and our teenage years made us develop the feelings that were supposed to develop. I did not know any better, so I fell in love. I fell in love with the thought of love, with the concept that he is my caretaker and I had to return his care through my unswavering devotion. I supported him in all his dreams, staying away from him for many years. But, over the years, Jagya grew up, growing away from me in the process. His hopes, aspirations, and desires became different from mine. He fell in love again - finally, his true love. I was left on the wayside as he blamed me for his falling in love with someone else. I was a gawar. I wore old-fashioned clothes. I did not fit in with his friends. The aroma of spices that emanated from me and my clothes turned him off. I did not have a place in his life. Period."

Wiping the tears that flowed unheeded from her eyes with his fingers, Shiv whispered, "Why are you torturing yourself like this, Anandi? I understand what you've been through!" Using her dupatta to wipe her face clean of any lingering tears, Anandi turned a suddenly resolute face to him. "No, Shiv, I have to do this. So, there I was, this unwanted, illiterate, undesirable wife - waiting for the final ax to fall on me. And, it did fall - unswervingly, unremittingly, cleanly - severing my relationship with him forever. The only thing that held me together was the love of my adopted family. They stood by me, propping me up, supporting me at all times, educating me, making me stand on my own two feet. I am indebted to them forever; without them, I would not be alive." So, I got my act together, burying the memories deep, taking them out only when I was alone, to look at, to brood over, and cry."

"Then, you came along - my knight in shining armor, to save a life that perhaps was not worth saving. And Dadisa and my mother conspired against me, making me accept you as my new consort. I could not believe my luck. How could I attract you? The most-handsome, in-demand bachelor that Jaitsar had ever seen? I was angry at my people for snaring you, taking advantage of your good nature, and tying you to me in your your promise to them. How was this possible? It was a match made in hell."

Shiv tugged her forward till she rested against his chest, silent tears marking tracks over his gray T. Resting his chin on her forehead, "... and there I was, thinking myself to be the luckiest man in this world. Here was this gorgeous girl, educated in thought, Indian in culture and values, and fiercely determined to improve her own lot and that of others. And her family thought that I was capable of nurturing her and caring for her; providing that final support she needed to find her wings and take flight. I could not believe my luck too. I knew that all you needed was a little bit of time, a bit of support, and a lot of love to love me as I do you. And, I am a patient man, who loves you deeply. I am content only if you are. You are the love of my life, gifted to me by God and circumstances - to be mine forever."

Raising her eyes to meet his, Anandi's raised a trembling hand to tenderly wipe off the tears welling in his. "Shiv, I won't be able to continue if you do this. Give me just a few minutes more to complete what I want to say. And, I promise, we will never discuss this ever again." At the soft smile that spread over his face, she continued, "Then, we became friends, then best friends, and then you told me you loved me. I did not believe you then. How was this possible? I thought you were pampering me, getting me to feel better about myself. But, I was happy. Here was the most gorgeous man in the world, telling me he loved me. There was a God looking out for me. But, you ruined it by trying to hand me back to Jagya, just as if I was a doll, to be bartered between the two of you. I almost left you then; only my commitment to my mother holding me back. I was angry Shiv, very angry."

"Haan, Anandi, I was foolish then. I almost threw away the most precious gift I had ever received. I am sorry..." Putting her forefinger over his lips, "Kitna boltein hain aap, Shiv? Shhh!" As his lips automatically puckered into a soft kiss on her finger, she blushed and pulled her finger away, looking away in shyness. "Shiv, you distract me too much. Suniye toh! We got married then, everything passing in a beautiful dream. The story tale princess and prince, happily ever after. But the ogre had returned. To haunt everybody with his presence. But, to my pleasant surprise, I realized that I felt nothing for him. I only wanted him to be there to support my family. What a relief that was!"

"Then, we went to Kesar Bagh. I felt like the young Anandi once again, awed by this amazing castle I was entering, the love I was getting from my new family. However, reality came to the fore soon, when I realized that marriage entailed more than an exchange of vows. You had certain expectations, which horrified me. Not the expectations themselves, but the certainty that I was incapable of meeting them. I was failing at the first hurdle. My insecurities caused me to lie and deceive you, shaming myself further. But, as my Surya Badal, you led from the front once again - helping me come to terms with you, your selfless love, and my inability to move forward."

At the shivers coursed through her at the memories, Shiv ran both hands soothingly across her back, much as an experienced rider would soothe a nervous filly. Drawing her slightly closer, he waited till her slight body lay against his laxly. Sighing deeply, Anandi said, "Shiv, this past month has been an eye-opener for me. I slowly realized that I was primarily scared of failure, not of you. I did not want to fail at this so-important relationship again. I wanted to succeed at making you and myself happy. The rest of our two families are important. I have to ensure that their every need is satisfied. But, my innermost desire is to have a loving, caring, fulfilled relationship with you. I see you in my dreams now - both waking and sleeping. I see you holding out your hand to me, to raise me from the depths. I see you and I walking hand in hand into the sunset. I see you and I working together to fulfill all our dreams. I see you... and only you, my love."

Tipping her face up to his, Shiv bent down slowly to brush his lips across hers. "I seem to have waited an eternity to hear this my love. I see us together, forever."