"I've never done this actually. But you know…well it's actually my fault I just never told you…then dadisa did the worst. It came back to haunt everyone. Everything got ruined. Then the goons, the horse then you."
She wasn't making any sense. She looked up at him apologetically. She had no idea how to do this. To her surprise he blinked.
What did he understand? Even she couldn't make sense of her words at the moment. Then she understood – he knew that what she was about to say was hard for her. He blinked again, as if saying that she ought to continue.
"I was married really young shiv. But of course! You knew that. What you didn't know were that I didn't know what was happening then. All I knew was that I was getting a new cycle! It was a really horrible time. I wasn't allowed to study, wear my school uniform, or play with my friends. I had to serve my in-laws, cook, and clean. It was a very raw age. A tender age."
She drew a breath again. She gained strength. She thought that she would be in tears by now. These were very painful memories she was bringing up again. But some how, she managed to keep her cool. Her posture. It was because he was there – she thought – it was because this talk was long overdue. There were things that she hadn't said to anyone. Things that a husband needed to know…
So, she continued, "Jagiya was young too. One can hardly blame him for knowing how to treat his wife. We were both at the stage where we hated the opposite gender. I didn't like boys! And all of a sudden I found myself living with one. Nothing physically happened at that age. We were so young. But there was a day – it was normal. But I think something sparked in Jagiya, something that made him try to…"
She cut off looking apprehensively at Shiv who had closed his eyes. He opened them several moments later, stronger than ever. She looked to his blazing eyes this time and drew strength once again, he had understood.
"With me unwilling for physical intimacy – Dadisa thought it would be best if she sought out another wife for Jagiya. That's right," she responded to shiv's widened eyes. "She tried to get her married to another little girl – Guari to be precise."
Shiv's eyes' diameter grew. He was in a shock.
"So you could imagine what I felt. Because I wouldn't bear the great-grand child of Dadisa's wishes, because I wasn't intimate – my husband was almost married to someone else. This made me realize something shiv, that one day this was a duty that I had to perform – or I felt that I would loose my husband. He would want children one day, and I would have to oblige. Even if he didn't court me, or I didn't feel comfortable. I began to think of physical intimacy as a necessary duty that I had to fulfill one day."
Shiv blinked in horror.
"There was no denying that at a young age, I wasn't fit to bear a child. And in order to prevent the incident with the young and nave Jagiya again, it was thought to be in our best interest to be separated until we were old enough. That was painful. Can you imagine it? Being told that you are leaving your family for another. But after mountainous efforts to assimilate into your new family at such a young age and being told that you are once again to be uprooted? It hurt.
Being separated solely for the reason that our physical intimacy, though imminent, was premature. You see how controlled my physical life had been? I was trusted to be married, but not to make these kinds of decisions for myself. But our distance made me realize how much I miss him. He had become my best friend. And adding to the fact that he was already my husband – I assumed that I loved him.
When we were reunited. Something had changed between us. We found ourselves drawn to each other physically. It was partially because of our fondness for each other but also due to in part by dadisa's demands for a great grand child. I had known before that one day I would have to give in to Jagiya – I had been raised with the thought. Like a child, brainwashed. So It was easy to give into him…"
She paused. Shiv blinked.
"but Jagiya and I had decided it was too soon for that. We were sent on a honeymoon – a trip that…"
Shiv closed his eyes. But when he opened them there was little bit of pain in those hazel eyes.
"it was my duty. I had to one day unite with him. I never had a choice. I was married so young that it was almost predetermined that I would fulfill this duty one day. So when it day arrived, it was an obligation that I had to fulfill.
Then he left me. And after all the drama that ensued – he hurt me in the most painful way imaginable. We continued to be intimate while…Guari…"
Shiv blinked. Anandi looked outside the window and let the breeze dry her now damp hair. She wouldn't cry. Not today. Not when so many things needed to be said.
It took her several minutes before she could continue.
"I had let my self become venerable to a man I was taught will always protect me." She looked down at Shiv's hand in between her own. "And he decided to sleep with another woman in the room next to mine."
This time Anandi was the one who closed her eyes. But when she opened them she found herself gazing into Shiv's bold eyes once again. He was determined not to show her how her words were fueling a fire within him – a fire that wanted to burn Jagiya.
"After that incident – I promised myself I would never be weak. I would strengthen my self. Arm myself with any and all the swords that I would deem worthy. I would never let a man hurt me the same way again. I wrote off love, marriage, intimacy, and poured myself into my work and career. Then something else happened – something that would seal the stone I had placed over my heart.
There were these goons that had captured me and…they tried to…"
Anandi felt shiv's hand tremble beneath her own. He blinked quickly, almost sternly.
"then you came into the picture," She smiled. "before getting married, you never once indicated that physical intimacy was something you craved. And I was stupid enough to never even think about that – there were so many other things going on at the time! But when I realized you too had expectations, I began to crumble. I was tried shiv. Tried of physical proximity being solely purposeful to satisfy someone's expectations. You didn't ask me what I wanted, and it was my fault for never telling you how I felt."
Shiv gulped and blinked tenderly.
"I never told you any of this. But somehow you understood that I was insecure. You made me break down on the roof of the KB haveli and admit to you that I was not ready for intimacy. But until today I never even understood why. I was an idiot. A coward. This is a marriage. A modern marriage – not a bal vivah. I should tell you things openly. Discuss them openly with you.
I've always thought physical intimacy was associated with expectations. But on that rooftop you eliminated all the expectations from your side. So I was left with an option. Today you presented me with an option. And for the first time someone had asked me about my physical life, and what I wanted to do with it. It scared me. I have always done what was expected of me – so you can see how this is uncharted territory for me.
I don't know what I'm doing Shiv. I don't know how to properly kiss someone. How to behave romantically because I've never had the option to do so – an obligation had been there, but never a choice. So I am asking you to be patient with me. To go slow. Because even though I thought I was ready to be physically intimate with you – now that I realize I do have an option otherwise – I think I want to wait because I am afraid.
You deserve an explanation for my long ranting speech. So I will tell you, why I'm afraid. Why I turned away at your idea of showering together.
It isn't because Jagiya is the only man I ever saw in that light. It isn't because I have feelings for him. It isn't because I'm traumatized by the incidents of my previous marriage or what happened with those goons."
Shiv looked at her – he didn't blink. His eyes questioned her further…
"It's because I don't want to make myself venerable to a man again. Because I'm afraid of giving someone the power of breaking my heart yet again."
The couple sat there in silence. She had nothing more to say to him. He sat there digesting all this information that she had laid in front of him. He understood.
"Over."
He was free to move but neither one of them moved.
He finally parted his sealed lips and softly spoke, "Love is just that. Giving someone the power to break your heart, but trusting them not to do so."
She blinked at him. She loved him for sure. There was no denying that. The level of comfort and happiness she felt around him was unparalleled. But did she trust him not to break her heart? She didn't fully realize or understood those words just yet. But she had a feeling Shiv would teach her soon enough…
He would have to gain her trust. He would have to court her and make her trust him that their physical intimacy wouldn't just make her venerable to him. He realized that the her physical past had made her just that – open to pain. So it was natural that someone would associate physical love with weakness. Especially someone who had a past like hers…
He smiled to himself. There was a question he needed to ask.
"Anandi…"
"Yes?"
"Are you sure that the reasons you said were really the reasons why physical intimacy scares you?"
"Yes shiv. Why what did you think it was?"
"I was worried that maybe you thought I was ugly and…"
He heard a giggle like the wind chimes he had once gifted her. She fell back on the couch laughing away. He silently sent out a prayer to God. Thanking Him for her laughter. But thanking him for a blessed married life. For today – after what seemed to be the first real conversation between a husband and a wife – was the first time he truly realized that he was a married man, that he had a wife.
Today seemed to be the day where the ridiculous, immature moments they had shared during the first couple days of their marriage were going to be left behind.
Today – he felt Anandi's past fears came to surface – as did the meaning of their marriage. He had hoped that one day she would be able to sit down and maturely talk to him about all her troubles – and today was the day.
Today was the day milestones in their relationship had been achieved – never had Anandi been more truthful with shiv. So open. So honest. So revealing.
Today was the day he promised never to break his wife's heart.
Please, Please tell me what you think! Hitting like or commenting would only take minutes for you guys, but it means the WORLD to me! (Also good news – my cast comes off this Monday!!)
Vasudha
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