T2 FF :Kaisi Teri Khudgarzi...Discont note on page 134 - Page 76

Riya tiptoed to the terrace quietly through the long staircase while her anklets chimed softly in the dark. She stumbled on one of the steps and quickly held onto the railings balancing herself making the least noise possible. She took a quick look around, none had accidently woke up with the noise and lifted her right leg on a step ahead. She bent down and removed the anklets slowly. Holding onto the anklets tight in her fist she sprinted upstairs towards the terrace.

The door was ajar and moonlight swept through the slight opening, illuminating the last few steps. She pushed the door slightly and looked around the place. There was a lone figure standing at the other dark corner of the terrace leaning on the parapet, facing his back to her, while the gentle breeze blew into his hair and shirt. She stood quietly holding the door. She could recognize the figure now.

It was Arjun.

She was hesitant for her next move. She hadn't expected anyone on the terrace at these late hours in the night but again she had forgotten Arjun. He hardly slept these days, specially tonight when they were witnessing the love knot of their best buddies.

It was Sameer and Ayesha's first wedding night and Sameer had earnestly requested Arjun and Riya to stay back at his house until all the rituals were completed. The rituals ended quiet late and with friends and family's pleading requests Arjun and Riya didn't have any other option but to stay back in their house.

But the circumstances, the situation and then the close dance was making both Arjun and Riya uncomfortable to face each other. Though Riya was tired after the whole day, when she went to sleep with Sameer's sisters she was sleepless. She tried to close her eyes but the warm touch and the close breathes she encountered during their close dance kept her awake. Finally unable to take the suffocation more, she had quietly slipped out of the room after ensuring everyone is asleep and moved towards the terrace for some fresh air.

But now the sight of arjun brought back her restlessness again. She kept looking at the lone figure standing alone unaware of her presence. He seemed to have calmed down, or was it just a momentary calmness away from all his haunting thoughts. A gust of wind blew and the loose end of her ankles in her loosened fist chimed again, as she held up her hands to hold her open hair before it gets messy.

Arjun instantly turned back at the sound and found Riya standing near the door holding onto her flying hair. The moonlight was illuminating her face and he kept looking at her lowered irritated face while she struggled to remove the strands of flying hair falling on her face. His lips curved in a sly smile instantly. That was his girl, the brood, irritated and aggressive.

Arjun had always loved her open silky long hair while Riya kept them knotted, tied or platted to keep her hair from messing too much and keep it in place. So it had become Arjun's regular habit to open up her neatly tied hair, whenever they were in their leisure time. This act of Arjun would make Riya furious and she would shout, yell, jump and curse him, until a day came when she arrived at the ETF office with her waist long hair trimmed to just below her earlobes.

Arjun had realized then how much it could have irritated Riya that she had to give up her owned possession to cool down. He had stopped irritating her from then. He could see the results. Riya was happy with her smooth life. Her hair grew fast and within months she had already started platting and tying her curls without any franks from anyone.

Riya felt his gaze on her and looked up holding her hair with both her hands. He was looking at her with one of his hand still resting on the parapet. The darkness had dimmed and she could see his face properly now. His eyes had a lost look but his lips still had a faded slight playing smile. She knew why he might have smiled.

Riya had never realized that she had lost Arjun's pleasure of irritating her. Rather she was happy with her smooth life, which she could handle her own way. Arjun would hardly look at her hair now. She would notice at times when he would slowly remove the fallen strands from her face, he would silently or loudly seek her permission for the same. It was all going good for her until the day she started realizing and counting her losses.

Now whenever she tied her hair, she would look around for fingers to pull out the pin and let her hair fall down, but there are none. She had finally realized, these were small steps that had led them to much larger steps later.

She didn't realize, Arjun didn't bother, and both of them ignored what then needed their most attention.

*********

Riya looked away from his piercing gaze and signed. Her heart beat had again started betraying her. She looked back at him again but he was now facing his back to her. She covered the steps in slow pace and reached beside him. He was looking over the parapet at a distance. She knew he had sensed her presence, but he wouldn't show.

Riya placed her palms on the parapet and raised her toes to look over it. The parapet was high for her and looking over raised toes wasn't possible for long. She looked at the empty barren road for a few moments and signed back on her feet. Her eyes moved at Arjun by her side, he remained unaffected. She stood there silent for sometime when finally she heard Arjun's exceptionally calm voice,

'yaha kya kar rahi ho? Soyi nehi?' he asked looking at the road,

'tum bhi to nehi soye,' Riya replied him, looking at him surprised,

'mujhe adaat hain,' he replied still giving the distant look,

Riya gave a brief look at him and turned away. She remained silent at his answer. He was genuinely in a habit of spending sleepless nights. Firstly from an early age he had to stay alone. It wasn't an easy task for a pampered child like him. Riya had heard him speak his heart to her once when they were quiet close. The struggle he had to go through to live a life without his parents. Lack of money, luxury and a tough life had taken him through every crooked highways, he could have visited in such a tender age. But his arrogance and stubborn self along with his strong bond with Sameer had overlooked everything and he had lived each hour of that life.

Finally every pain came to an end, when he found his dream gradually forming the reality of his life. But then again it was because of the nature of his job, he had started spending sleepless nights trying to crack difficult cases. Then he met riya. Though Riya acted like an anchor to his life, the longing for his home and mother, never subsided. Riya had spoke to him long hours, sometimes all night when he had his self-consumed in regret to have left the only other woman in his life in complete solitude. Though riya never understood him then, later her own life taught her the same lesson and she too started waking up late nights pondering on the words her father had last spoken to her.

Then came the time in their life when calmness and happiness imposed themselves on their regretful selves but again destiny played a painful game and both drifted apart, going back to their sleepless self. Riya had seen arjun suffer, but the suffering was immense when she had seen him suffer for her.

The silence broke when the terrace door moved with a sudden strong wind, making a screeching sound. Arjun turned back to find Riya standing beside him looking towards the door.

'koi ane wala hain?' he asked her, turning slightly towards her,

Riya instantly looked back at him surprised. She hadn't expected the question. Specially at this dead of night. She straightened herself and looked up at him,

'nehi, tumne aisa kyu pucha?'

'darwaza dekh rahi hoo, isliye socha shayad kisi ka wait kar rahi ho,' he replied,

'nehi, aisa koi raha nehi,' she replied looking away, while she leaned herself on the thick parapet wall,

Arjun too turned back to his earlier posture. A small pause followed. Finally Riya spoke breaking the silence,

'tum abhi bhi dance acha kar lete ho, ek bar bhi mujhe dhakka nehi diya?' she smiled and stopped at each word,

'per tumhara itna acha balance bigar gaya, kyu?' he asked, frowning at her,

'saalo baad tumhare saath dance kar rahi thi, shayad isliye,' she confessed,

'tum itna kyu badal gayi, dance was your passion, maine kabhi nehi socha tum aise dance bhool jaogi,' arjun asked turning towards her straight,

'Halat badal gaye hain Arjun, mujhe to badalna hi tha. Mujhe ab dance pasand nehi. Kisi aur ki bahe mujhe nehi samhal sakti, nehi main kisi aur ke pass...' she stopped breathing in deeply while her eyes looked straight at him,

'Dance pasand nehi, ya khusiya pasand nehi?' he asked again,

'dono, wo kuch bhi pasand nehi, jo mujhe kabhi khusi deta tha,'

'kuch bhi nehi?' he asked again,

Riya could feel her heart sunk in. The helpless gaze in the intense dark orbs and the hidden throbbing vein on his forehead was making her feel miserable. She turned her back to him and held onto the parapet behind. It would support her to stand straight otherwise he might burn in his intense gaze.

Arjun could easily notice the miserable feel grow in her voice and gloomy eyes. Somewhere he was the reason behind the biggest fall in her life. He knew giving up on something cherishable was the most difficult and heart breaking task. He had given up everything he had ever lived for and now he was standing alone and lonely.

He leaned his back over the parapet and threw his head back, looking up at the sky. Destiny always had a way of showing him his mistakes and losses. Though he had adjusted himself to them now, some of them seemed to bring with them some more incurring pain.

'kash hum pehele samaj jate Riya, to aj hum aise ek dusre se ajnabio jaisa behave nehi karte,' he spoke,

'hum ne kabhi koshish hi nehi ki, sirf ek dusre ko blame karte rahe. Jo bhi hua, shayad sahi hua hain Arjun, warna hum kabhi bhi samaj nehi pate, aise hi ek dusre ko takleef dete rahe,'

'aur in sab main maine kuch aur zindagi barbad kardi,' Arjun fisted his palms and looked down at the ground,

Riya remained silent and looked at the lone figure standing beside her. He had sunken shoulders and a guilty stricken face. She knew well what he was talking about.

Losing what they had considered forever' had happened all their life. She had lost her parent's support when she had never thought of it. She lost home without even giving it a thought how her parents would cumber the loneliness after losing their only child. She never returned back to them, nor did she ever try to know how they lived. She clutched onto her life and ambition and immersed herself to prove her dream.

Later she gained her dream but she lost her Arjun and their love forever. It has been such a long time she had taken to realize her loss, that even the loss has faded its existence. Its just an emptiness that's left, even when she is standing and talking to the same man, she was mad in love with.

Riya was lost in herself when she felt a warm finger brush through her cheek. She looked at the source beside and felt arjun tug the loose flying curl behind her ear. But the hair didn't remain in place and again flew back, touching his shoulder and caressing his cheek. Riya looked at him waiting for him to tug it back, Arjun didn't. He moved a step aside leaving the hair to fly in the air.

Riya instantly held it and tied up her messy hair tugging it at the back in a careless bun. She looked back at Arjun. He was looking at her intently forcing her to lower her gaze from him.

'Aj achi lag rahi thi, bohot dino baad aj fir tumhe saree pehente hue dekha,' he spoke in a lost tone,

'haan wo..Aisha ne specially request kiya tha, warna to main kuch bhi peheke chali ati, tumhe pata haina main kaisi hu,' riya replied chuckling at her own words,

'tumne sach mein Aisha ke request pe Saree peheni?' he looked at her surprised,

'haan kyu?' she looked back at her,

'nehi aisehi..' he looked away, avoiding his pained face,

'Mujhe pehele kisi ka request zidd lagta tha, aur mein wahi na karne ki zid karti thi. Per ab jab koi request nehi karta to samajme ata hain, wo zid nehi pyar tha, which I couldn't value,' she muttered to herself,

Arjun looked at her sad face. It wasn't new. He was slowly getting accustomed at the unhappy remarks and upset face. It hurt him to see her state, but then there was a large gap now in between them. They couldn't start anew. The old wounds still pained, the tortured sleepless night, still remained somewhere in their minds, they still doubted their future together.

The only thing that had brought them together tonight was their understanding to the other's pain. The long years of separation had finally taught them to respect and accept the other's painful cravings. They could never fulfill what they have already lost. Nor the time, nor the feelings, but they could now understand the other, even when the other didn't speak a word. None would express their longing now, but they knew well what the other conveyed through their gestures.

Riya looked up at Arjun to find him staring at her with a questioning gaze. She could understand the question going through him, but she still didn't have the answer to what had gone so wrong between them. Perhaps they had met to get separated.

Milke bhi, hum na mile, tum se na jaane kyun.

meelon ke, hai faasle, tum se na jaane kyun.

anjaane, hai silsile, tum se na jaane kyun.

sapne hai, palkon tale, tum se na jaane kyun...

Kaise bataayein, kyun tujhko chahe, yaara bataa na paaye.

Baatein dilo ki, dekho jo baaki, aankhein tujhe samjhaye.

Tu jaane naa..aaa... tu jaane na .. tu jaane na .. tu jaane naaa...

She felt her eyes filling up and moved the gaze from him. A terrible piercing pain was aching her heart. She lifted her heavy step towards the door and moved ahead. How much she wished he could have stopped her. But she knew he wouldn't. They could no longer stop the other. They now lived two individual lives where none had the right to speak a word. She took slow steps towards the door. She could feel his gaze still on her back. She turned back and the struck single tear escaped from her eye.

The wind again blew into her hair, opening and messing it up, while both looked at the other, trying to relieve their painful cries.

Nigahon mein dekho meri, jo hai bas gayaaa..

Woh hai milta tumse hubahuu..

Ooo, jaane teri aankhein thi ya, baatein thi wajaaa..

Hue tum jo dil ki aarzoo...

Tum paas ho ke bhi, tum aas ho ke bhiii, ehsaas ho kee bhi, apne nahi...

Aise hain, humko gile, tumse na jaane kyun.

Meelon ke, hain faasle, tum se na jaane kyun...

Tu jaane na ..

Both of them turned away from the other. Their pain was now getting unbearable. All their resolves, their strengths, their decisions everything crashed for a moment and both parted away from the other. The divorce statement came in front of them, which they could not avoid nor could they accept. They had just gone through the proceedings accepting the other's decision silently. They spoke within their own selves but not to the other, disrupting their intimate relationship.

Riya turned back and found Arjun looking up at the sky, holding on the parapet firmly. She could visualize his inner regrets. The remarks, their loneliness, their separation and their longing everything came back to them in this moonlite night.

She pressed her dried lips, swallowing the lump stuck at her parched throat and wiped the tear rolling down the side of her nose. Breathing in she walked back to him. His head was still hanging loose looking up at the sky, but now Riya noticed his eyes were closed and his adam's apple moved in a to and fro movement on his neck. He too was living the emptiness again.

Riya held onto his shoulder and called out to him. Arjun opened his eyes with a doubtful frown and looked down at her. They looked at each other and nothing kept them away any more. The bottled up anger, frustration, guilt, suffering, pain and loneliness for all these days came rolling back at them and both didn't think for another moment and held onto the other. It wasn't a passionate moment anymore. It was the forgiveness they could only find in their other halves but could never accept in front of them.

Khayalon mein, lakhon baatein yun tu keh gaya...

Bola kuch na tere samne...

Ooo, huea na be-gaane bhi tum hoke haar kein...

Dekho tum na mere hi bane.

Afsos hota hai, dil bhi yeh rota hai, sapne sanjota hai, pagla hua...

Soche ye, hum the mile, tumse na jaane kyun.

Meelon ke, hain faasle, tum se na jaane kyun.

Anjaane, hai silsale, tum se na jaane kyun...

*********

Sakshi woke up from her sleep with a heavy headache. Her eyes were burning and the dry tears on her cheeks were making her skin itchy. She looked around at the mess she had made her dimly lit room into. There were clothes thrown all around the place. Broken pieces of a glass Jug lay scattered on the floor. Her finger was swollen red and had drops of dried blood. The bedsheet was crumbled on the floor while the pillows lay on the table. One of her favourite paintings lay buried on the stack of papers on the ground. The glass frame was broken and the painting had edges swaying with the wind, coming from the window. She lay on the floor beside the bed crumbled with the chilling breeze.

She looked towards the open window. It was still dark outside, the night has not faded out yet. She sat up looking at her clothes. She still wore the same dress she had worn at Ayesha's wedding. It had some drops of blood, probably from her finger which was bruised and swollen. She tried to remember the events of the night and it brought back all the torturing events at the wedding.

She had left the ceremony with hurt and despair, feeling anger and jealousy for the happy couples. She had rode the cab and roamed about the place for hours. The driver kept on asking her about her destination, but she hardly heard him right. She was lost in her thoughts regretting and disgracing herself for all her decisions in life. It wasn't easy for a haughty, pampered girl like her to fall in love with a person like Arjun.

Sakshi wasn't a girl who would love or rely on happy love stories. Rather she never believed in love, though she always believed in attraction and usually had a huge crowd attracted to her. Her pretty face, charming smile and the appealing personality gained her a lot of attention from the male species all her life. She had enjoyed the attention and even used it for her own favor, but falling head over heals for one of them, never ever happened and she believed that would never happen either.

But it did happen and finally she found her partner in a divorced, broken and wrecked soul, who had been selfish enough to find his solace in her but not love. His love remained someone else, whom Sakshi couldn't even hate. It wasn't her fault that Sakshi landed up in this messy life.

Sakshi held her heavy head in her palms. The tequila shots had left its effects back. She didn't remember how many shots she gulped down or how long she had been into that night club, but she remembered that ambience and it had somewhere soothed her tensed nerves. She didn't even remember the name of the club. The driver had stopped the cab after Sakshi had denied specifying him a particular destination and she had arrogantly paid him and stepped out. The cab zoomed away and she had started walking ahead, unknown to the place. Finally she landed in front of a heavily lighted nightclub and walked inside.

She didn't know how she had reached home. But the mess describes her state back home. She stood up on her feet stumbling at her first step and reached the washroom. Splashing cold water on her face and head freshened her. She closed the door and turned the shower tap on. Her feet was giving in and she sat on the floor below the shower. A long cold shower relieved of her stress and she walked out fresh. Dressing herself she stood in front of the mirror. She was looking worn out. Her stomach grumbled calling for food and she remembered she hadn't had dinner.

She picked up the stuffs thrown around the room and quickly arranged them. She walked to the kitchen and looked into the refrigerator. Picking out the bread she prepared an early breakfast for herself. She sat down on the sofa with her plate of sandwiches and a strong coffee and started gulping down slowly. She was feeling tired and sick. She sipped the coffee and closed her eyes. The hot liquid slowly moved down her throat relaxing her.

Finishing her midnight meal she lied on the couch. She was feeling better now. She closed her eyes to catch some sleep when again Arjun's betrayal flashed in front of her eyes. It again brought back her own guilt. She sat back on the couch breathing heavily. She sat there staring at the floor clutching on her knees tight. How long she suffered she didn't know, but then she had made up her mind. She composed herself and walked back to her bedroom. Picking out her laptop she started typing vigorously. She finished and signed her name in the end. It took her a few more minutes while the note attached in the mail.

Her fingers trembled while she moved the curser to the send button. Finally a moment later the mail was sent. She closed the laptop.

Sakshi Anand has finally decided to run away from all those nightmares.

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