My Dearest Roshni,
I miss you, my darling, as I always do, but today is especially hard because the ocean has been
singing to me, and the song is that of our life together. I can almost feel you beside me as I write
this letter, and I can smell the scent of wildflowers that always reminds me of you. But at this
moment, these things give me no pleasure. Your visits have been coming less often, and I feel
sometimes as if the greatest part of who I am is slowly slipping away.
I am trying, though. At night when I am alone, I call for you, and whenever my ache seems to be
the greatest, you still seem to find a way to return to me. Last night, in my dreams, I saw you on
the Beach. The wind was blowing through your hair, and your eyes held
the fading sunlight. I am struck as I see you leaning against the rail. You are beautiful, I think as
I see you, a vision that I can never find in anyone else. I slowly begin to walk toward you, and
when you finally turn to me, I notice that others have been watching you as well. "Do you know
her?" they ask me in jealous whispers, and as you smile at me, I simply answer with the truth.
"Better than my own heart."
I stop when I reach you and take you in my arms. I long for this moment more than any other. It is what I live for, and when you return my embrace, I give myself over to this moment, at peace
once again.
I raise my hand and gently touch your cheek and you tilt your head and close your eyes. My
hands are hard and your skin is soft, and I wonder for a moment if you'll pull back, but of course
you don't. You never have, and it is at times like this that I know what my purpose is in life.
I am here to love you, to hold you in my arms, to protect you. I am here to learn from you and to
receive your love in return. I am here because there is no other place to be.
But then, as always, the mist starts to form as we stand close to one another. It is a distant fog
that rises from the horizon, and I find that I grow fearful as it approaches. It slowly creeps in,
enveloping the world around us, fencing us in as if to prevent escape. Like a rolling cloud, it
blankets everything, closing, until there is nothing left but the two of us.
I feel my throat begin to close and my eyes well up with tears because I know it is time for you to
go. The look you give me at that moment haunts me. I feel your sadness and my own loneliness,
and the ache in my heart that had been silent for only a short time grows stronger as you release
me. And then you spread your arms and step back into the fog because it is your place and not
mine. I long to go with you, but your only response is to shake your head because we both know
that is impossible.
And I watch with breaking heart as you slowly fade away. I find myself straining to remember
everything about this moment, everything about you. But soon, always too soon, your image
vanishes and the fog rolls back to its faraway place and I am alone on the pier and I do not care
what others think as I bow my head and cry and cry and cry
CID
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