"The fact that you're struggling doesn't make you a burden. It doesn't make you unloveable or undesirable or undeserving of care. It doesn't make you too much or too sensitive or too needy. It makes you human. Everyone struggles. Everyone has a difficult time coping, and at times, we all fall apart. During these times, we aren't always easy to be around " and that's okay. No one is easy to be around one hundred percent of the time. Yes, you may sometimes be unpleasant or difficult. And yes, you may sometimes do or say things that make the people around you feel helpless or sad. But those things aren't all of who you are and they certainly don't discount your worth as a human being. The truth is that you can be struggling and still be loved. You can be difficult and still be cared for. You can be less than perfect, and still be deserving of compassion and kindness."
" Daniell Koepke
Arjun poured his cutting chai down the drain, he could've just reheated it, but it wouldn't have tasted the same. Sighing he began making a new cup of chai, first water, wait for it to boil, add tealeaves and then after some time add milk. Let it simmer on low heat so that it was strong.
He took out one cup and a glass, added one teaspoon of sugar in the cup before pouring in the chai in it. He carried both the mug as the glass to his bedroom and set them on the tiny table next to his bed.
"Chai" he told her sleeping form.
"Hmmm?" was her not so happy reply.
Oh well, he leaned down, grabbed his glass and settled down in bed, before taking a tiny sip.
She had come to his house around 1 am, even though Sikandar had died a few years ago she still had nightmares. Arjun was thinking looking at her sleeping figure, the nightmares were getting more and more frequent.
When he heard a knock, he already knew it was going to be her, without even opening the door. She was standing there in wet from the rain in her night suit, looking at him without saying a word. He just took her in his arms, she didn't cry, she hadn't cried for years now. She just leant into him, as if trying to find some strength in him that she had lost.
He took her to the bathroom, helped her unrobe herself and made her take a warm bath. She didn't move or do anything, she just sat there, hugging herself as if willing her inner demons to go away.
He towelled her dry, helped her into one of his old shirts and shorts. If it was any other time he would have had a good laugh on how big they looked on her.
Then he made her lie down in his bed, making sure that she had everything she needed, well the only thing she needed was him lying down next to her.
"Tumhari chai thandi ho jayegi."
"Okay" Saying so she sat up in bed and took her cup from the table. "Thanks Arjun, mera khayal rakhne ke liye"
"Tumhe pata hai ke main humesha tumhara khyal rakhne ke liye tayar hun."
"Haan."
Arjun sighed.
After a pause he said: " mere khayal se tumhe ab usse chhod dena chahiye."
She looked him in the eye then. "Haan, magar, who to mujhse pyar karta hai." She said, as if she wasn't trying to convince him, but herself.
"Achha? Toh usse yeh kyun nahi dikh raha ke tum abh bhi kitni hurt horahi ho?" He said arching his brow.
She didn't give any reply on that.
"Kya tumhe abhi bhi usse pyar hai?"
He waited for her to answer his question.
"Pata nahi, mere khayal se I never loved him, atleast not so much ke mujhe uske mere liye koi bhi tension nahi lene se kuchh farak padhta." She told him after a while.
Arjun had seen her living like a shell of her former self. Yes she and Ravi were ETF's most loved couple, but it was like he was the only one wou could see through the faade of Sakshi "loving" him. Ravi loved his career as an officer way more than Sakshi. He didn't see that she hadn't had a goodnight's sleep in 3 years. He couldn't see that she needed him.
When the nightmares had begun to take their toll on her she had come to Arjun. She knew he was the only person who would understand her. She had never really told him what she was afraid of, and she didn't have to. He knew, just by looking her in her eyes he knew.
"Challo, change karo, humein abhi usse baat karni hai." Arjun said, bringing her out of her thoughts.
He watched as her eyes refocused on him, and gained determination. "Haan, challo."
"Good girl" He added with a hint of a smile.
Arjun watched Sakshi, they were standing in front of Ravi's office. She took a few deep breaths, looked up at him and opened the door.
"Ravi, mujhe tumse kuchh baat karni hai." Sakshi said, after closing the door.
Arjun just nodded as an acknowledgement of Ravi being there.
Ravi looked up from the file he was working in. "Sakshi, Rawte? Kya hua?"
"Ravi, I know that at one point in time I might have actually loved you, isiliye hum done ke liye behter hai agar main abhi iss relationship ko yahan hi khatam kar doon." Sakshi said, her voice was small, but determined.
"Kya? What the hell? Yeh tum kya keh rahi ho? Aur kyun?"
Sakshi shrank a bit at his words. But Arjun took her hand in his.
"Wait, tum dono saath saath, kya tum mujhe cheat karrahi thi?" Ravi sounded flabbergasted.
"Nahi, lekin Arjun mere liye us waqt wahan tha jab tum nahi the."
"Wait you have been friends? Since when? As far as I know he can't stand you." Ravi said, sounding more and more angry.
"For the past 5 years now." Arjun said.
"Par kaise?" Ravi's eyes were as big as saucepans.
"Sakshi ne mujhe rote hue dekha tha, then her being her, she made me talk." Arjun said, with a small smile on his face. "You know, no one can deny her anything when she decides to do it."
"How sweet!" Ravi said sarcastically. He sat back down and looked up at Arjun. "Yeh tumhe bahut mehnga padega Rawte, agar mere paas abhi waqt hota, then I would have beaten you to pulp."
"Wohi to nahi hai tumhare paas, that is the whole problem. Main itne saalon se tumhare saath hoon, humesha tumhari madad karti rahi hoon, even in the beginning, when you just joined ETF, I made sure that you were accepted by everyone." Sakshi said, while wiping her cheeks. "Tell me Ravi, why are you the only one in this relationship who can have problems? You are not the only one to have suffered loss, why can I not be afraid, or sad? Am I not allowed to feel anything when I am with you? What do you want me to be? A trophy wife? Ke jab tumhara jee chaha, tab main hassun, aur jab mann bhad gaya to main aram se chup chap baithun?"
"Sakshi, I am sorry, mujhe tumne kabhi bataya nahi, I didn't know." Ravi said, looking sadly at her.
"Hmm, shayad mujhe pehle hi koshish karni chahiye thi tumhe samjhane ki, lekin abh to bahut derr hogay hai Ravi." She sighed.
Arjun didn't say a word, he didn't want to intrude more then he already was.
"I am really sorry for all this," Ravi told her sincerely, "Kya hum atleast dost reh sakte hain?"
"Haan, who hi theak rahega, I think." Saying so Sakshi took Arjun's hand in hers and walked out of the office.
They went to Arjun's house, spending the rest of the day playing chess. And baking, since that helped her relieve her stress. They hardly said a word to each other. Arjun felt that she would open up when she was ready to. So he waited patiently.
It was getting dark outside, so Arjun looked over at Sakshi.
"Want to stay tonight?"
"Agar tumhe burra nahi lage ga, to main reh loon?"
"Agar tum chaho to, tum humesha idhar reh sakti ho." He told her with that smile of his.
"Aur agar raat ko burra sapna aya toh?"
"Toh main uss sapne ko bhaga dunga."
"Woh kaise?"
"I'll hold you really tight and kiss all of your pain away, agar tum chaho to."
"Mere khayal se main chahti hoon."
Arjun looked at her, he saw a tiny twinkle in her eyes, after years that twinkle was coming back. It might not be as bright as it used to be, it might not be as strong, but he would make sure it got there.
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