He came forward and held me by my shoulders, taking my face near his own. His heated breath made my face burned. (how different I felt. The same moment came between me and shiv. That day I rejected and my heart wanted it. Today my heart did not want it but I could not do anything. I felt bad and insulted.) My request had not been accepted. I became dumb.
"Gauri….. Gauri……" He touched her ears with his lips. the small reaction echoed in her ear. she felt insulted. he brought the lips near her neck. she felt her life drifting out of her body. No one had the right to touch her. She was helpless, scared. "tumhe khuda ka wasta hai mujhe maaf kar do, mujhe chor do." I had no other way out of it then to plead. "me to tumhe kharab nahi karna chahta, poray jaiz tare key se tumhari khuwahish ki hai. Lakin abb agar tum ne meri neeyat pe shak kiya to tumhare barey barey poster India ke har sheher ki deewaron per laga don ga. Aur yeh khubsurat tasaveer nahi balke achi kisam ki tasaveer….. Jin ke liye mujhe iss tarhan ka mooka phir hasil kar ke thori rakam or kharch karni pare gi." After finished talking he pushed me to the floor. He opened the door and left.
I sat there for ages and cried. And thanked Allah that he kept me safe. No harm came to me. I combed my hair with my hands. I went to the wash room and washed my face. Then I started walking fast and came back to my room. I locked the door after entering. I packed my things without lloking. I was in a hurry I needed to get out of here. I came to the airport one two hours before the flight. Even at the airport I was scared. I did not feel safe.
I became ill after reaching kolkutta. Two or three days passed with my in a bad condition. I did not know what was happening around me. It was like I was unconscious all the time. All the family members thought it was because of heat and tiredness. But only I knew it was not that. When I got better I thought I will tell my mother about it at the first chance I get. After all it was a big thing abu ji should know about it. My mother called few of her friends over because I got healthy again. Everybody was praising me I felt embarrassed . I got up form there and came to my room. I stood there in front of the mirror. And started observing myself. I just got better from illness. My colour was a bit pale. But there was a certain attraction that made the other person look twice at me. With my right hand I touched every feature on my face, my nose, my cheek, my eyes, my chin and my forehead. i was enjoying myself. This was the first time in my entire life have i saw myself like this in the mirror. Then i saw shiv standing beside me, bending his head. The distance were about to be finished. but then shashank came there. i saw the bitter reality. All the moments spent with him in hostel came back to haunt me. I was so ashamed thinking about all this. I covered both my hands and was about to scream. When my cousin entered the room. Both the figures disappeared. "api chalien na bahir kitna acha mosam hai." I came out of my hallucination. But I was still shaking. My cousin who saw my condition made me lie down on the bed and one of them went outside to call my mom.
Today I felt better again. Kaya made me sit but made sure I was comfortable. She made me drink soup. Every one in the house was worried. Mama kept reading ayaaats and baba gave sadka's. when ever mama's friends visited they told my mother. "app ki beti ko nazar lag gayi hai" they did not know what happened to me. I knew It was nothing to do with black eye. It was a alive beast that had gotten me here. My brother and sister were worried for me. I was supposed to make them happy while I was here but instead I made them sad. I will have to do my level best to make them happy again
For that I would have to try to forget everything that had happened. So other people don't get effect. In the evening I sat with them in the lawn and I drank tea with them. While the kids were playing. Some on cycles some running around. I was smiling watching them play. While mama and baba were so happy seeing me smile. They happiness could be seen clearly on their faces.
I could not tell mum abut it. Seeing them happy made me change my mind. If I tell mama about those circumstances would she be able to stay happy? Could I see the happiness on her face?. I knew the answer it was clear. Only I had to bear it. I would be alone. I can't tell anyone. If I tell bhaiya about it. He will get angry and god knows what he will do. Now that I think about it if I tell anyone would they believe it. Would they believe that shashank had gone that far just to threaten me. If I tell mama would she believe me. Would she believe that shashank had only threaten me. Would she believe that I am stil the same gauri. Untouched. That I am pak. Would she not question me about it. Would she not think that shashank did more than just to threaten. Would she not think that I am not pak anymore. Would she not think that shashank raped me that is why I was so ill. All those thinking led to me to stop telling anyone about it. I had to stay quiet for my own good. I had to just let It go for now. Right now I could not tell anyone.
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