Arnav hoisted Khushi onto the hospital bed and then covered her. Once he was certain she was settled, he turned and made for the doorway but found himself hesitant to again cross the threshold. It was as if some invisible thread had pulled tight and would not allow him any farther from her. He looked back over his shoulder only to find her eyes on him, but they were void of any expression. He fought the sense of helplessness that filled him and steeled himself against the instinctive response to return to her side. Instead he forced himself to leave the room
Arnav rejoined the group outside the room and Doctor Governder said, ‘There’s no way we could have prepared you.’
Arnav nodded and glanced back to where Khushi lay. He drew in a deep breath when something akin to trepidation overcame him. A thousand conflicting emotions raged within him,leaving one question burning in his mind. A question that agitated him far more than it probably should have, given that he had her back. And then it was not the question itself but her withdrawal from him and a possible reason for that withdrawal, which concerned him more. He knew she could keep things to herself,especially things that would hurt loved ones. He just hoped that what he feared was not the reason behind the radical change in her behaviour. Arnav turned to Doctor Vyas and candidly asked, ‘Is Khushi still pregnant?’
Aman’s surprised expression was enough of a reminder that they had not even had the opportunity to share the news with their family before she’d gone missing.
Doctor Vyas looked at Arnav, with something akin to disbelief on his face, and then moved towards brackets mounted on the wall, next to the door. He pulled out Khushi’s file but shook his head once as he said, ‘I don’t recall anything in her records stating that she’s pregnant, so I’ll just check her blood work.’ He perused the document for several moments before his finger then came to rest next to a particular reading in her blood results, eventually asking ‘How far along would she be?’
Arnav thought back and did quick mental calculation before replying, ‘I would guess somewhere between twelve to fourteen weeks by now.’
The doctor remained silent for a moment and then tapped on the line of the report, ‘Her hCG levels is just under fourteen thousand, which is low for someone that far along,’ he mumbled, more to himself than anyone in particular.
Arnav quickly demanded,‘What does that mean?’
The doctor looked at him, visibly hesitant, but said, ‘Her hCG levels are more in line with someone five to six weeks pregnant, or –’
‘Or what?’ Arnav compelled.
‘Not forgetting that she is still within the danger period, that she has had a traumatic experience, and that hCG levels are only used as an indicator of pregnancy…’
‘What the? Danger period? hCG levels? Talk sense. Is my wife still pregnant?’
‘I can’t say, we will need to get an obstetrician’s opinion on the matter.’
‘Then what can you say?’
‘All I can say, with some certainty, is that she has not shown any symptoms of miscarriage since her admission. She has also not been scheduled or undergone a D and C – and that’s the good news. The bad news is that low levels of hCG usually indicate problems with the pregnancy, or, as in this matter, it could also mean that she has lost the baby or had it aborted – which was why she ended up at the hospital.’
Enraged, Arnav countered, ‘Are you mad! My wife would never abort our baby!’
‘But!’ the doctor stressed, his voice firm, causing Arnav to glare at him as he continued, ‘…they would have noted some bleeding, which they have not.’
‘So what are you actually saying?’ Arnav angrily demanded causing the doctor to startle.
Aman stepped forward and raised his hands in the hope of calming Arnav, however Arnav simply glared as him, which made the man freeze on the spot and lower his hands.
The doctor looked at his colleague, who said, ‘The simplest and most effective way now is to have a sonar done. It would confirm the pregnancy and the obstetrician could establish the duration.’
‘So do that!’ Arnav angrily instructed, ‘I want to know, damn it.’
‘The obstetrics department will only be able to assist in the morning.’
Arnav retorted, ‘Then arrange it.’
Doctor Vyas pulled his pen out of his coat pocket and made a note in Khushi’s file. Finishing his note he said, ‘I will arrange it with the obstetrics department, and have them see her at the soonest.’
Just then Doctor Governder asked his colleague, ‘Has she had any dyes for the MRI scan yet?’
Again Doctor Vyas checked the file and said, ‘Not yet.’
‘Do the scan without dyes then.’ Doctor Govender said. On noticing Arnav’s confused expression headded, ‘Until we know if she is pregnant, and how far, let’s not risk the possibility of triggering a miscarriage.’
Doctor Vyas again made a note on the file and said, ‘I’ll have one of the nurses arrange it.’
On completing the notes both doctors turned towards Aman and Arnav, but it was Doctor Vyas who spoke,‘We will have to leave you now. Please feel free to arrange with the matron for anything you need. They will even arrange some accommodation for Mister Singh Raizada, should it be needed.’
Arnav nodded to acknowledge the man’s words and then turned to Aman, ‘I will stay here tonight.I left the office in enough of a hurry for any reason to suffice. I’ll get something to eat from the canteen, Just bring me my laptop and a change of clothes in the morning, but don’t tell anyone where I am or that we have found her. Khushi does not need everyone milling about her right now. For now, and depending on her test results and what the doctors say, she’ll stay here. I’ll decide on whether or not to move her once they are done.’
‘You will need to speak to the police though, they will have to get an update from you and the hospital.’ Aman said.
‘That’s fine. Also think of a reason to get everyone out of my house at once.’
‘Why?’
‘When I take her home, I don’t want her overwhelmed by the whole family on arrival. They won’t understand her behaviour. I will have to explain it first. So think of something in the meantime and make arrangements for whatever.’
Khushi spent the remainder of the afternoon alternating between a restless doze and watching some nonsensical drama on TV. Arnav alternated between attempting to read the latest finical journals – which he had delivered – and vigilantly watching over her whenever someone came into the room.
The sun had lowered on the horizon when another nurse entered Khushi’s room. This one placed a hospital gown on the edge of Khushi’s bed and then proceeded to check her over.
A wary sense of scepticism filled Arnav when the nurse gently said, ‘The patient needs to change and get ready for the MRI. Please ensure that she removes all metal objects, including all jewellery. We will soon come to take her down.’
Arnav waited for the nurse to leave before helping Khushi to the adjoining bathroom and handing her the gown.
By the time Khushi reappeared, the nurse had once again returned, this time with a wheelchair. She gestured to Khushi to sit, but Khushi simply remained where she was and looked towards Arnav. He stepped forward as he said, ‘They are going to take you down for the scan, this is more comfortable than taking the whole bed down.’
Khushi complied and allowed them to cover her with a small blanket, while a sickening sensation took hold of Arnav. As to why, he had no idea.
The small group halted outside the MRI room. Arnav nodded and waited at the doorway to the room while the nurses exchanged words with the others. Some time later they took her in and allowed Arnav to accompany her.
A large and imposing piece of equipment dominated the room and Arnav immediately became uncomfortable. The area through which she was to pass was very narrow and dimly lit. He was only too aware of Khushi’s fear of the dark and when combined with confining spaces he could not imagine a positive outcome. His fear was even further exacerbated when he noticed some restraints being taken out.
‘No.’ he firmly asserted to the senior nurse, ‘…take her out of here.’
‘Sir, the procedure is perfectly safe.’ The junior nurse tried to appease him, adding. ‘…nothing will happen to her.’
To which Arnav firmly replied. ‘I don’t care how safe it is, Khushi does not like confining spaces.’
The senior nurse looked at him for a moment and then said, ‘I will call the doctor. You should discuss this with him.’
Some time later Doctor Vyas entered the room and approached Arnav, frowning as he spoke, ‘I was informed that there was a problem.’
Arnav pointed to the machine and said, ‘You want to put her in that, considering that your reports found that she had endured some form of restraint.’
The doctor looked at Arnav, visibly confused as he said, ‘But only her head and neck will enter the machine.’
‘And how is that any better?’ Demanded Arnav, although his agitation seemed to lessen.
‘If it will make you feel any better, we will allow you to remain here with her for the procedure.’
Arnav looked at Khushi. Her expressionless face said nothing and her behaviour gave no indication as to her thoughts.
Arnav reached for her hand, hoping that the contact itself would provide him with some answer. The logical side of his mind said that the MRI was needed, but the emotional side of him did not want to put her thought the process if it would stress her further. Her hand was cold to touch and he squeezed it as he gently called to her ‘Khushi’
She again turned her empty gaze towards him, but said nothing.
‘I’ll be right here throughout,’ he said.
Khushi lowered her lashes, a sign he knew well enough to indicate reluctant submission and was as much of a response as he had expected.
The doctor questioningly looked at him, possibly having understood the unspoken communication as well as any would, and then excused himself.
Arnav and one of the female technicians proceeded to get Khushi ready on the table, Arnav especially watching her reactions to gauge her compliance with the situation.
A nurse appeared several moments later with a blanked, which she cast over Khushi. ‘Close your eyes, it will be less disorientating.’ The nurse said as she tucked the blanket around Khushi. ‘You will need to lie completely still for a clear image.’
The moment her eyes closed, a sense of panic filled Arnav and he instinctively reached for her hand. He felt her fingers tremble and shift against him – it was not much but enough to set his mind to ease.
The nurse pressed several buttons and then turned to Arnav and asked, ‘Have you removed all metal, jewellery as well?’
Arnav looked at her,shocked. He then thought of the hand holding hers, his engagement ring was on that hand. He loathed to remove it,ever. Reluctant to let go of her hand, he gestured to it with his other one and said, ‘No one said anything.’
The nurse, having noticed his indecision moved from him and returned with a plastic kidney bowl.‘Put everything in here, the technicians can take it with them into the outer room once they arrive.’
Arnav removed his wedding ring without letting go of Khushi’s hand, and with some manoeuvring managed to remove the other ring as well
‘Your watch?’ The nurse asked.
‘I don’t wear one,’Arnav replied.
‘Wallet?’
Arnav reached into his back pocket and extracted it, placing it in the bowl as well.
‘Cellphone?’
He placed his cellphone along with the other goods.
‘I’ll return this to you once they are done.’ The nurse said and then turned from him, Moving towards the smaller outer room.
Not long thereafter, the sliding table Khushi lay on moved forward. The machine came on and a humming noise filled the room. The lull of the sound was then punctuated by a series of clicking noises. On their first occurrence, Arnav felt Khushi’s fingers shift against his. Remembering what the nurse had said earlier, Arnav said, ‘You need to lie still Khushi.’
Several times throughout the procedure he wondered at the need for such a test… Studying Khushi’s brain would inevitably open a can of worms no one had any hope of understanding. The Gods even know that he’s tried. And even if her mind wasn’t damaged, it was never really normal to start with.
He was eternally thankful three quarters of an hour later when the technicians reported that the scan was complete.
The nurse returned his belongings and then helped him settle Khushi in the wheelchair. ‘Her dinner should be ready by the time she reaches her room.’
‘Thanks’ Arnav said,taking a moment to return his belongings to various pockets and slipping his wedding band back in place.
They returned to her room, only to find that another bed had made an appearance along with her evening meal. Arnav was thankful for the discretion shown by the nurses as they helped Khushi to change out of the hospital gown and settle back into her bed.
He looked at the tray of food placed on the one table and then at Khushi. Once the nurses had left, he pushed the table closer to her and placed the food in front of her. She stared at it for several long moments but made no attempt to eat. On noticing her continued reluctance, Arnav turned from her and went to wash his hands. He returned a short while later and took a seat on the edge of the bed.
Pulling the plate closer he broke off a piece of the pratta and dipped it in the vegetable curry before holding it for Khushi to take. She made no move to take it, preferring to look at it instead.
Arnav’s brows furrowed as he looked at the food. Khushi had never been a picky eater – well perhaps not always. That was when the thought struck him, the possibility that she could have been given something through her food… It seemed the only likely explanation as to why she would have refused to eat. Intent on proving to her that the food was safe, he popped the morsel in his mouth. He had hardly chewed it before exclaiming, ‘Disgusting,’ and made to spit up the food, ‘No wonder you won’t to eat it.’ He reached for the call button and pressed for the nurse.
The nurse came in and Arnav turned to her, ‘Take this away and bring me a wheelchair, I’m taking Khushi down to the canteen for something to eat.’
‘Is their something wrong with the food?’
‘It’s beyond bland. I don’t even think they used salt.’
‘She is on a bland diet for fear of upsetting her stomach.’ The nurse replied
Arnav pointed to the plate and said, ‘That will upset her stomach, just bring me a wheelchair, I’ll take her down.’
‘I will have to consult with the doctor.
‘She’s not here for a stomach ailment,’
‘I will still have to inform him,’ The nurse insisted.
The second nurse on duty arrived with the wheelchair. ‘Do what you have to, but I’m taking her with me.’Arnav said taking the wheelchair from the nurse
The canteen was quiet;visiting hours had long since passed. Arnav looked at Khushi for a moment uncertain as to how to place her order, since he had no idea what she felt like having. ‘Let me know if there is anything in particular that you would like.’He said pointing to the display cabinet.
Khushi looked around and he sensed some discomfort. She looked over the food displayed and the menu but did nothing.
‘Khushi, eat something,please,’ Arnav urged.
Her gaze shifted, and for a while remained on the beverages.
Just then the one server came to them and said, ‘The kitchen closes in fifteen minutes.’
Arnav nodded and then looked at Khushi. He watched her for several moments and frowned, before turning back to the server and asking, ‘Do you do special orders?’
The man looked at him for a moment then at Khushi before answering, ‘It depends on the order, sir.’
‘Almond milk and a plate of sweet biscuits – preferably digestive type biscuits.’
‘That should not be a problem, although almond milk only comes in children’s size portions.’
‘Make it two portions then, but in one glass. I’ll have coffee and…’ Arnav looked at the various foods on display and shook his head. He was not in any particularly hungry but knew that even though she would not say anything, him not eating would concern her. ‘I’ll have the vegi burger. We’ll be over there.’ Arnav said pointing to one of the far tables.
The man noted down his order and nodded.
They had just settled at the table when Arnav’s phone rang.
The doctor was first to speak and to the point, ‘Khushi cannot have rich foods,’
‘Khushi is having almond milk and biscuits,’ Arnav countered. Feeling a little put out by the man’s audacity, he added, ‘At least she’ll eat something.’
‘Milk and biscuits?’ the doctor queried with obvious disbelief. ‘The nurse disturbed me for milk and biscuits. I thought you were going to feed her curry.’
‘She didn’t like the food, and to be honest I don’t think they put any salt in it.’
‘She must stay away from spicy foods until her system has recovered from the shock, but milk and biscuits is fine.’
Just then the waiter arrived with their food. Arnav watched as the glass of milk and plate of biscuits was placed in front of her and then asked the doctor, ‘Are there any biscuits she shouldn’t eat?’
‘All types should be fine, unless she has food allergies.’
‘No, she doesn’t.’
‘I will then see you in the morning,’ the doctor said before ending the call.
Arnav watched as Khushi dunked a biscuit in the milk, holding it there for several moments before lifting it out and eating it. It is something he had seen her do so many times before, but the simplicity of it gave him comfort as he reached for his own food.
That night, even though the was tired he could not sleep. Settled on the cot not far from her, he found that his mind would not settle. A restlessness consumed him, causing him to regularly look over to where she lay. He knew it would be a long night like those when uncertainty had brooded deep within him – whenever they had argued. On those occasions he had lain awake, while the uncertainty as to whether she would still be there in the morning had consumed him.
He saw her shift once or twice and then gave up on the idea of remaining that distant from her. Neither his heart nor his mind found peace with such an arrangement. He has never really tolerated any form of imposed separation from her, even when they were in the same room.
Arnav moved back to her bed and saw that even thought she appeared restful she was still wide-awake,staring at the wall. He placed a hand on her shoulder and felt her flinch.Immediately a tightening sensation enveloped his heart. Khushi has never recoiled from his touch, even when it had been less than gentle. She had cowered, cringed and even winced at his temper – but not his touch. Her eyes found his and he could feel the band around his heart loosen.
Khushi shifted, closed her eyes and appeared to settle.
Arnav sat there for sometime, simply watching her. It was an indulgence he had been denied for too long– one that settled his mind’s most immediate concerns.
The longer he looked at her the stronger the sense of trepidation within him became. He knew that morning brought with it a reality he, in all honesty, was unwilling to face. It was a situation they were incapable of escaping and would be forced to accept.With her there he considered himself capable of coping with the loss of the baby, but he had no way in which to gauge her reaction, and as much as he wanted to protect her. While he would stand by her, regardless of the outcome,he no longer actually wanted to know.
Some time later he attempted to extract himself, in order to move back to the cot and get some rest, but the moment he tried to remove his hand from her grasp her eyes shot open. Her vacant gaze remained fixed on him, causing him to rest his hand on her cheek. He drew some comfort from the fact that her eyes drifted shut at the touch.
It brought a smile to his lips for he knew only too well how ardently she had fought her response to him when they had met. With fondness he remembered the way she had instinctively pinched her eyes whenever he’d come close to her, as if it could have prevented what she’d felt. It had been contradictory, as was most things with her. He hoped that she basked in his touch the way she had since they had become lovers, when she had instead allowed him to guide her.
He shifted again, and her eyes once again shot open,only this time he made to move her over slightly in t he bed, before joining her. He turned her, so that he could align their bodies, immensely thankful when she did not resist him. He settled behind her, his arm sneaking over her middle as he said, ‘Take rest Khushi, I’m here.’
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