Chapter 49

47. Impasse

‘Shrutiiiii’

‘Kirtiiiii’

‘Shrutiiiiiiiii’

‘What is it Kirtiiiiiiiii?’

‘I miss my hair. Bring me back my hair, please.’

‘Then, why did you cut it?’ It was evening. Kirti after retiring from her classes had crashed on the couch of the parlour. There wasn’t any customer and Shruti was flipping a magazine.

‘On an impulse. I was very angry. I wanted to destroy something. Then I saw my long hair. At that moment I hated it.’

‘Why would you hate your hair?’

‘Don’t know. Shruti,’ she shook Shruti’s arm, ‘Are you even listening to me? Bring back my hair. It feels strange without it covering my back.’

Shruti jerked her hold away. ‘Don’t annoy me. If you want to talk, tell me what happened at the party.’

‘I don’t want to talk about it,’ Kirti replied.

‘Must have to do something with those good for nothing brothers.’

‘Mhmm hmm. Don’t want to talk about it.’ Sitting up, Kirti eyed the various hair products. Sliding the glass of one of the drawers, she picked out a herbal oil. Opening the lid, she brought it close to her nose and inhaled its fragrance. 

‘Is this Vatika Reboot? Smells the same.’ Then squeezing a few drops of oil in her palm, she rubbed her hair with it.

‘What are you doing?’ 

‘Nourishing my hair so that it grows back.’

‘You are crazy. Why can’t you follow a middle path? Why choose the extremes? Like when you had long hair, it was really long. When you chopped it - you cut it really short. When you are devoted to someone, you are blind to all their faults and get taken advantage of. When you hate, you do it with vengeance, even to the point of self harm. Why?’

‘Gyaan mat do...sympathy do...I am sed...Kirti is bery bery sed.’

‘Why is Kirti sed?’

‘Zindagi tabah ho rakhi hai meri! Shruti, I am not cut out for this profession, The students will make me mad. Whatever hair I have, they will fall off. So many doubts they have. At coaching I have no peace. When I come home, my Whatsapp has no chill. I can’t even go to the washroom without my phone buzzing with a message.’

Shruti laughed. ‘Gurudev got tired in just a week?’

‘I will have to find a new job. At first I was so enthusiastic, I was motivated but some of the doubts they are so silly...Some students are plain stupid. Yesterday I came to my bike and I saw a guy sitting on my scooty with his doubts. It took me around an hour to solve all his doubts. I reached home so late.’

‘You’ll get the hang of it, don’t worry.’

‘Shashwat Sir - a colleague of mine - said to me that the kids’ doubts will never be over and advised me that if I want to steal some time for myself, I should leave during my free hour and solve the doubts only during doubt hours. He goes home during his free time. I was being righteous the first few days and being patient with the students but recently have started going out to sit in a nearby cafe.’

‘That’s okay. Don’t feel guilty. You need to have your me time as well.’

‘I like the cafe. It has a terrace and I like to sit there and make notes and silently study while sipping my chai. But…’

‘But?’ Shruti prodded.

‘He comes there too.’

‘Who?’ Then a name striking her, she asked, ‘Nishit?’

Kirti nodded.

‘What is he doing there?’

‘His office is nearby.’

‘Yaar Kirti how is your fate so entwined with his?! Study centre toh uske college ka! Now coaching bhi usi ke office ke bagal mein?! What does he do at the cafe? Is there no other cafe in the whole area? Is he stalking you?’

‘I don’t think so. He was there before me.’

‘How long have you been going there?’

Kirti showed three fingers.

‘He was there for all the three days? Did he say something to you?’

‘He goes there everyday. He did not.’

Kirti did not reveal that he had been taken by surprise the first day and after a few minutes had approached her with an apology. When she had threatened to leave, he had removed himself from her arena. She thought he would leave but he had gone to seat himself in the remotest corner, hiding his face behind the laptop.

‘Just sits at the corner table. Sometimes when I look up, I think he is looking at me but then looks away. I don’t like being watched.’

‘Then tell him.’

‘I don’t want to talk to him.’

‘Then don't go there. Go to some other place.’

‘Why should I change places just because of him? I love the ambiance of the place. There are walled pots. Chrysanthemum and some other flowers lining the walls. It is so quiet working there and sipping chai, pretending I am some important corporate person who’s taking a break.’

‘Then keep playing games, you two.’

Kirti shoved Shruti off the couch. ‘Why are you so mean?’

‘What mean? He’s going to come as long as you go there. You don’t want him there, you will have to communicate it to him. Whatever problems you have with him, you will have to tell him. Sometimes people are so self centered they don’t see their own wrongs. You want to cut it off with him? Do it properly. Going by the past, maybe he thinks that once you regain your cool, there are still chances he gets to return to you. Because that’s the kind of pattern you’ve set for him. You are too kind for your own good. Either that or you yourself have never been able to let go of him.’

XxxX

Nishit,

You say that had there been any other person at your place, I would have listened to them. That I have always forgiven and forgotten others. That is all because you are Nishit and not Tejas.

I believe I have given you too many chances because you were Nishit and I expected better from you. You disappointed me every time. 

I continued to talk to you despite the several betrayals because somehow you always managed to make me believe that this time it would be different. That this time you have changed.

I would have forgiven you again had it involved only me. 

You beat my brother, Nishit. My baby brother. 

I know you love your sister and I equally love my brother. Even more so because I have brought him up. When he would be hurt or when he used to fall down during his childhood, he would call out for me. That’s how close we are. Had he been wrong, I would have been the first one to punish him but he was not and you know that now, don’t you? You want to apologize, don’t you? It is too late. Every time your fist landed on his face, I felt it in my heart. 

You must think now that my brother’s face is healed, I should forgive you. But my healing is not done. 

The scars that your words left, they still are fresh and they would never fade. 

Have you heard of Purvaiyya winds? 

Dadi’s joints get achy during winter because of these biting winds. Even the oldest of injuries - the ones people think they have forgotten- they hurt during this time. That is the kind of wound you’ve given me. You and I will be thinking we are over it and a blow of wind will shake us out of this misunderstanding.

Let’s stop this game for once and all. You and I do not belong together. Can never be friends.

I will stop hoping you do good. You stop hoping for forgiveness and a new start.

Just a few things that might help you in the long run. Don’t want to sermonize you but because despite everything, I have seen moments when you were kind and good.

Decide which woman you are actually interested in. If it is Mithila, be faithful to her truly. If it is Sana, be truthful to yourself and accept it instead of all of you three playing games among yourselves. Practice faithfulness. Don’t be like a cat. There is a reason we have been born as humans. 

Don’t play with people’s feelings. You think you are invincible and can score every woman but then one day what if you find that you are all alone. 

Be a good person, Nishit. You can be one when you put your mind to it. But then you go and do something that undermines all your good efforts.

Secondly, consider others feelings. When you call someone your friend, then act accordingly. Don’t be friends only when you are in the mood for it. It hurts to be called your friend and then not see you stand up for that friend. You don’t humiliate or let them get humiliated. You protect your friends.

Thirdly, Money, class, they matter, I agree but not so much. Compassion, friendship, love all of these on the other hand are the crux of life. 

Next time you come across these, give them their due respect. 

Don’t lose true feelings and people  because of your ego or because you couldn’t keep your anger in control.

Fourthly, you don’t go to someone to explain things, to apologize and when you see things are not going your way, act like a victim making it all about yourself.

You do not know how much pain I have gone through because of you.

I trusted you! 

I have never hated anyone. I keep making excuses for their behaviour as long as I can. 

But you have the power to make me feel that emotion. 

I told you I hate you. I don’t. I feel nothing for you. Neither friendship, nor resentment and no hate at all.

Do not apologize. I don’t need it. 

You might need my forgiveness for your peace of mind. I cannot give it to you. 

Not now. Maybe never.

If possible, don’t come to the cafe because your presence reminds me of that night and I am forced to live through that humiliation all over again. You have so many places to go to, I have only this and I don’t want to lose it.

-

Kirti.

Nishit folded back the letter, slipped it into his pocket, picked up his laptop, stepped out of the cafe, never to return again.

 [MEMBERSONLY]