Chapter 48

45. Fool Me Twice

[PAST]

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New session had started and there had been no shuffling of students this time. It was a rule of school that since ninth and tenth were crucial years, they got the same teachers for the two years. The school was also very strict about promoting students to tenth since their performance in Board examinations reflected on the school’s reputation. More than a few students had been detained. One such student was Shivani Jaiswal, her old partner. 

Kirti had heard from Parvati that Shivani had failed in all the Science subjects. Her parents had come to plead with the principal to promote the child but to no effect.Her mother had continued to stand outside the Principal's office but it had only cemented the determination of the school head. After all, such wealthy individuals waiting outside the office, wouldn’t it spread the fame and name of the school, of its regulations and principles.

Kirti herself had got the eighth rank in the class. Not the rank her father had been hoping for. She used to stand first in her previous school. Such a huge tumble down in the rankings had him panicking. He thought the new school and its glitter was waylaiding her and felt it imperative to knock some sense into her. She had received a one hour lecture over it and it would have spilled over the next hour as well if not for her grandmother’s timely interruption. She was saved on the report card day however she soon realised she was never hearing the end of it, as her father continued to remind her to pay more attention every time she was in his vicinity and he was in the mood for it.

During intervals, when Kirti after finishing her tiffin, would pass her time by leaning from one of the railings of her class corridors and looking at other students, she often in her viewfield would find Shivani Jaiswal. Sitting under a tree, eating her dosa all alone. When for the first two weeks, Shivani had not come to school, they had thought she had left the school in disgrace. When the girls had spotted her one morning during assembly hour, they had immediately begun with their speculations and judgments making Kirti ashamed of her choice of company. Even though she did not bitch about her ex - deskmate, she was guilty of listening to them gossip about her, never standing up for her friend.

Whenever Kirti and Shivani’s eyes would meet, Kirti would smile before quickly looking away. 

Kirti had grown up with morals strongly indoctrinated in her. Befriend toppers and stay away from underachieving students. The ‘with the topper rules’ had weathered over the years, however to mingle with failures had remained a taboo.

In Kirti’s head, they had fallen out long back in eighth standard only. Once when Kirti had gotten a 65 out of 80 in English Literature and Shivani only 52, Shivani hadn’t taken well to the news. 

‘Strange isn’t it? I spent the entire year teaching you English and you get more than me. It seems all the words I taught you, you used in here, huh?’ Even though it had been said in good humour, Kirti had been hurt. After that, she had never asked any word’s meaning from Shivani. They remained friends but Kirti never again let her guard down ever before Shivani Jaiswal.

Now, as he looked at a lonely Shivani, she kept repeating the incident in her head to refrain herself from approaching her. What if her misfortunes rubbed off on me too?! But often another memory would sneak up on her. 

There was a guy in their class who had found an easy target in Kirti. He would always come to her desk and mock her English pronunciations. ‘What did you say? Guy-gan-tic? It is ji-gan-tic. Which cheap school did you come from?’

‘You sure it was an English school?’

Kirti tried not to be bothered but when it became a regular occurrence, it began to affect her. She could not complain and whatever retort she came up with, he would have a better rejoinder ready. One day when he began to guffaw at her tor-toys mistake in front of the entire class and a young defenseless Kirti had begun to tear up, it was Shivani who had come to her rescue. The rich,  sometimes rude and blunt Shivani, the quiet bookworm, shouted at the boy. ‘Who the hell do you think you are to come to our desk and harass us?’ He had started up with a retort but she had intercepted him. ‘Shut up! If I see you once again, it will be the last time you’ll be seen in the class.’ Since her aunt was a teacher in the school, Shivani was believed to have leverage as well. Even though he had continued with the snide remarks from far, had never bothered to come to their desk again.

It was so difficult to segregate as complex  and diabolical beings as men and women into neat little drawers of your head. Sometimes kind, sometimes rude, Shivani had been her first partner in this new world.

It took Kirti a long and confusing two months to approach Shivani. The first encounter had been awkward. Both having started from the same line and now such distance between them. Second was a little less awkward with them discussing a few books. Third and fourth brought back the familiar comfort. By the eighth meeting, they were back to gossiping about the other girls. By the tenth meeting, she no longer felt ashamed or fearful of meeting a failure. A person’s worth couldn’t be measured by such quantifiers, she wanted to tell her father. Soon Kirti was able to break her own resolve by asking what a bikini meant. 

Forgive and forget, that’s how you lived in this world. Trust was something one had to gamble.

Apparently not.

One recess period when she was returning from meeting Shivani, she had all her group friends gaping at her.

‘Hi,’ she said self consciously.

‘Kirti, is it true that your mother dumped your father and ran away with someone else?’ Navyam asked crassly.

‘Sorry?’ Her heart was thundering in her chest making it difficult to make out voices.

‘Sana said your mother ran away leaving behind you and your father.’

‘Your father is a rickshaw driver?’ 

She had never revealed her father’s occupation to her friends. Her father, also cognizant of the school and its status, in order to save his child from any form of teasing or inferior feeling had only written Business in the occupation blank of the diary.

She looked at Sana, a storm raging inside her. ‘Who told you?’ She bit out. Too calm. Too composed. ‘Who told you Sana?’

Sana looked at someone behind Kirti but did not answer.

‘I asked who told you?’ Kirti knew the answer and yet she insisted on hearing it.

‘Ni...Nishit,’ Sana's gaze again flickered to someone behind Kirti.

A raging mad Kirti, when she had turned, she had seen the perpetrator. Not really thinking about the consequences, she had stormed towards him, with every intention of fighting with him. She had trusted him with her deepest secret. When he had on the first day of the new session, dropped his bag next to her, willingly choosing her as his partner, her heart had foolishly grinned. When he had saved seats for her at the auditorium, she had felt special. She had gone to visit the hospital as well. They were on the road to becoming best friends. He had told her about the accident in which her sister had lost her legs, so she had felt it imperative to reward him with a secret of her own.

‘Why? WHY??Why did you do it?’ She pushed at his chest with all her force. How could one be so cruel? How?

Years later whenever she reimagined the scene, she would always wish she had been less dramatic.

He stumbled back with the force but did not say anything in his defense. Only looked too guilty.

Kirti did not know how to react to that. It would have been much better if he had put up a fight or even lied. Why was he accepting it? What was she supposed to do now? HIt him?

She had changed places after the recess, Had gone to sit on the last empty bench all alone. If it were up to her, she would have run away from the school. Every look, every glance, every whisper, her skin had crawled with the feeling that they were talking about her. The rumour - her  truth- had spread soon. She had stopped talking to the group. Either went to talk with Parvati or Shivani, seeking them out during recess period. Even their eyes, Kirti thought, were judgmental.

Manisha and Tejas continued to pester, not leaving her side when she clearly mentioned she did not want to do anything with them.

At home, she also withdrew. For a short and unforgivable moment, she also resented her father, their poverty. She answered back at home, not liking anything he did. Any of his gestures felt too insignificant.

Then, one day her father came with the news. The rickshaw business was not doing good so he had applied for a post. He had gotten a job as a supervisor clerk at a certain chemicals company. He was going to have to move to another city, Noida.

Kirti had cried profusely that night. It was all because of her that he was moving away. She had kept resenting his business and hence, God planned to distance them. Seeing her puffy red eyes, her father had whacked her head. ‘Pagli. I will keep visiting you and will soon get a transfer here.’

After her father moved away, she focused all her energy on her studies. After all it was all because of his children that her father was staying away. She needed to do her part as well.

Tejas and her were back to being friends. Her only friend now. She had gotten back into a civil relationship with others of the group too. You do not remain in the pond and be enemies with the crocodile. But it was a very unequal relationship.

With Nishit, the strap of the connection was snapped, altogether. She couldn't even be civil with him. She wanted to hate him but did not feel enough of it. Her feelings for him were too complex to understand at that age and so she did not bother with him.

Then, when her father passed away the same year, from the gas leak at the Chemical plant. She blamed Nishit for it. And herself the most. Hadn’t she been happy that he was finally going to have a proper decent job.

She hadn’t attended school for several months. Failed her Pre Boards.

During the distribution of report cards as well as admit cards, Nishit had approached her, asking after her. She had shouted at him.

Had he kept her secret, she would never have resented her father. It was all his fault. 

She also hated him and all other students for never showing up at her father’s last rites. Only Tejas had come. No one else had either called or asked after her when everybody knew about the incident. It had come out in the papers. Two men from Mumbai lost their life in the Noida Chemical Plant Leakage with photographs.

Only Tejas kept in touch with her even during the weeks before Boards. Lending her photocopies of notes, mock test books with pretty encouraging stickers.

After Board results, she did not see any of them again except for Tejas. While all others had admitted themselves to fancy colleges, Kirti’s fate had been on a standby. She had decided she was not going to wait and go the natural route. She had decided to take up a vocational or technical course that would immediately put her on payroll. The path was tougher than imagined. At that time, Shruti, a year senior to her , had already cracked the Polytechnic exam. Kirti followed the same path. Sandy aunty had talked about campus placements and a good job at the end of the three years. It looked like a feasible option. She prepared and cracked the examination. Since it was a government institute, the fees was also not a problem. Along with studying, Kirti had worked various odd jobs in order to lessen the burden of her grandmother. Taking tuitions, working as a cashier at a certain pharmacy store.Life had been too busy and fast for her to be able to spend time thinking about her old school mates. She sometimes would chat with Tejas on social sites when she felt like it. He called her sometimes. 

It was only when she had gone to attend a class at her study center that four years later she came face to face with Nishit. 

The past stings must have dulled and resentments faded somewhat. Or maybe it had been years to her mother deserting them and it no longer mattered what people thought about her. It had been years since school and her father’s death and maybe she didn't care about the past anymore.  Because when he had greeted her and asked how she had been doing. She had been polite and mature in her answers, kick starting another one of his games where he would play her.

[MEMBERSONLY]