Chapter 12
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Her POV
'You're a coward..'
'You are scared..'
'you are insecure'
was not her right? I was not hurt but it was still hard to accept because he told me all these. Its natural , no human would accept their faults at first even if they are wrong or right, but this time I cant escape on the name of Human Nature. This thing will hunt me for the life. Once again I was having those confusing opposite polar thoughts.
Is not he the man I have always wanted in my life, who could see through me. I dont have any doubt over the transparancy we have between us. A man who have guts to look into my eyes and tell me I am wrong but would still do anything to get me involve in his life. A man would handle my fickleness , and he handled that perfectly.
Still Why cant his eyes assure me with the love he have for me ? Why it feels like the feeling would fade? Why I cant leave my insecurities behind ?
He said he loves me! Even knowing how I am living , he is even ready to accept the way I am but why I dont feel the connection so strong that left me struggling with my own instincts?
And what the hell is making me cry uncontrollably? Since the time I left college and landed directed her in my room. I was still on duty, being the cultrural secretary of college I was supposed to be there in college handeling the guests but here I am still wetting my pillows.
Why someone have to come into your life who will make you weak that you would even afraid of seeing your own face in the mirror. Mirrors? Yes I have always wanted a Mirror who'd refelect what I am really! And something is holding me back from trusting even the reflection?
I am not expecting too much from life. Expectations hurts. But it is hard to accept the surprises life present! Never thought in my life that acceptance would be the reason of my turmoil.
After Mom and Dad's separation I have never imagined myself to be with anyone. There was no integrity in my life. I was engulfed in the nothingness that I found the world itself is a mirage around me.
Love, care, affection were only mere impractical words whose only failed examples I have witnessed. How in Earth , the creatures fought for food, and metabolism/enegry is the only source of survival, fell in trap of these impractical things? Is there any science for them too? Oh how can I forget the nervous system !! And I know , I am trapped here.
All those feelings people think made them alive will again bring hope, expectations, and in the end Pain. What should I do now? I could simply say a No to him. But I could not even trust myself if I'd regret it later. I should do something I'dnt regret later.
A soft soothing touch brought me back from the depth of my thoughts. I turned my head forcing my blurred eyes open to recognise the person. My luck, this time I got the right person who could even overlook my weakness. I lunged upon her directly hugging her tight.
And like the last time we were silent. I was only sobbing in low sound and she was soothing me caressing my hair. I felt secure..I always felt secure in her embrace , she was the only person after Liza who knows me inside out.
'Beta..you're fine'? She asked in the concerned tone that anyone in the hostel may have never heard. I was stunned hearing her voice, as if something is terribly wrong or she herself was drowned somewhere she could not come out.
I parted from her embrace looking up at her face. Her expressions were somewhat like something very big depends upon my answer to her question. The anticipation in her eyes told me that. I just nodded my head assuring her. And surprisingly she sighed deeply as if everything was back to normal with her.
'Then why are you Crying beta'? She asked a little less concerned this time. What will I tell her? Should I tell everything about whats going on in my life. Yes she knows me inside out but why would she listen to me. But there wasnt any reason she shouldnt listen to me. She understand me well and I was sure she will understand this time too.
She was the one who gave me courage to move ahead in my life, where I was lost in nothingness , she held my hand dragging me out of the lonlieness I was living or just sirviving like a living dead. And it was about my life too but now ,will she understand ? Will she understand about what I feel about love? I could not expect this really still I thought I should tell her.
'I 'm cnfused Madam...'
'confused?? About what'?
'About everything...life, affection, trust , and love..', I finally utter the word and her brow furrowed.
'about love'? I knew she'd be spot on . Lets face it with her .
'Actually Ma'am , there is a guy..'
'Guy'?
'Yes! He confessed that he loves me and...'
'And'?Vampire-queen 2014-10-31 09:48:27
'You're a coward..'
'You are scared..'
'you are insecure'
was not her right? I was not hurt but it was still hard to accept because he told me all these. Its natural , no human would accept their faults at first even if they are wrong or right, but this time I cant escape on the name of Human Nature. This thing will hunt me for the life. Once again I was having those confusing opposite polar thoughts.
Is not he the man I have always wanted in my life, who could see through me. I dont have any doubt over the transparancy we have between us. A man who have guts to look into my eyes and tell me I am wrong but would still do anything to get me involve in his life. A man would handle my fickleness , and he handled that perfectly.
Still Why cant his eyes assure me with the love he have for me ? Why it feels like the feeling would fade? Why I cant leave my insecurities behind ?
He said he loves me! Even knowing how I am living , he is even ready to accept the way I am but why I dont feel the connection so strong that left me struggling with my own instincts?
And what the hell is making me cry uncontrollably? Since the time I left college and landed directed her in my room. I was still on duty, being the cultrural secretary of college I was supposed to be there in college handeling the guests but here I am still wetting my pillows.
Why someone have to come into your life who will make you weak that you would even afraid of seeing your own face in the mirror. Mirrors? Yes I have always wanted a Mirror who'd refelect what I am really! And something is holding me back from trusting even the reflection?
I am not expecting too much from life. Expectations hurts. But it is hard to accept the surprises life present! Never thought in my life that acceptance would be the reason of my turmoil.
After Mom and Dad's separation I have never imagined myself to be with anyone. There was no integrity in my life. I was engulfed in the nothingness that I found the world itself is a mirage around me.
Love, care, affection were only mere impractical words whose only failed examples I have witnessed. How in Earth , the creatures fought for food, and metabolism/enegry is the only source of survival, fell in trap of these impractical things? Is there any science for them too? Oh how can I forget the nervous system !! And I know , I am trapped here.
All those feelings people think made them alive will again bring hope, expectations, and in the end Pain. What should I do now? I could simply say a No to him. But I could not even trust myself if I'd regret it later. I should do something I'dnt regret later.
A soft soothing touch brought me back from the depth of my thoughts. I turned my head forcing my blurred eyes open to recognise the person. My luck, this time I got the right person who could even overlook my weakness. I lunged upon her directly hugging her tight.
And like the last time we were silent. I was only sobbing in low sound and she was soothing me caressing my hair. I felt secure..I always felt secure in her embrace , she was the only person after Liza who knows me inside out.
'Beta..you're fine'? She asked in the concerned tone that anyone in the hostel may have never heard. I was stunned hearing her voice, as if something is terribly wrong or she herself was drowned somewhere she could not come out.
I parted from her embrace looking up at her face. Her expressions were somewhat like something very big depends upon my answer to her question. The anticipation in her eyes told me that. I just nodded my head assuring her. And surprisingly she sighed deeply as if everything was back to normal with her.
'Then why are you Crying beta'? She asked a little less concerned this time. What will I tell her? Should I tell everything about whats going on in my life. Yes she knows me inside out but why would she listen to me. But there wasnt any reason she shouldnt listen to me. She understand me well and I was sure she will understand this time too.
She was the one who gave me courage to move ahead in my life, where I was lost in nothingness , she held my hand dragging me out of the lonlieness I was living or just sirviving like a living dead. And it was about my life too but now ,will she understand ? Will she understand about what I feel about love? I could not expect this really still I thought I should tell her.
'I 'm cnfused Madam...'
'confused?? About what'?
'About everything...life, affection, trust , and love..', I finally utter the word and her brow furrowed.
'about love'? I knew she'd be spot on . Lets face it with her .
'Actually Ma'am , there is a guy..'
'Guy'?
'Yes! He confessed that he loves me and...'
'And'?
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