My Take on Kerim and his Emotional Crisis
Feel for Kerim and the emotional crisis he has been going through, not just now after receiving his dad's letter but since his childhood when his mother committed suicide instead of choosing to live for her little son and his father chose to abandon him, leaving him all alone in this world. Last time I had tried to relate to FG by thinking about things from her perspective. This time I am gonna try to do the same from Kerim's perspective.
What Kerim has been suffering since his childhood is something we can't even imagine. Little Ketim saw his mother commit suicide right before his eyes. Imagine how horrifying the sight of seeing his mother hanging from the ceiling like that must have been for him. Even adults can lose their minds seeing something like that... while here we are taking abt a little boy. Such a tragedy can cause a huge psychological damage to a child. How terribly shocked, scared, insecure and devastated the kid must have been. What he desperately needed at that time to overcome this horrific trauma was the loving, reassuring presence of his father. How he must have needed his father's arms around him, reassuring him that all was going to be fine, that he wasn't alone, that he would always be there for him. But tragically, at the time he needed his father the most, he chose to abandon him. He cruelly left the little boy alone despite knowing that he had no one else in the world to claim him or take care of him. Yes, Sr Ebe Nene took him in, but his father didn't know she wld. Moreover, Kerim was old enough to realise that she was not related to his family and he was more of a charity case for her. He waited and waited for his father but sadly he never turned up. Imagine how that must have destroyed the psyche of the little kid. It's almost inhuman, cruel for a person to do this to a child, regardless of the reasons. On top of that, Kerim also had every reason to blame his father for losing his mother too as he believed she had killed herself out of desperation because he had abandoned them both. What a double blow the boy had suffered.
Such wounds caused are struck deep in young hearts and minds, and the pain caused by them is felt thru out one's life. It's not easy to forgive something like this. Logic and reasoning don't help in such situations. Moreover, what logic or reasoning are we talking abt here. There is nothing justifiable here in any case. Would you and I be able to forgive something like this? I think not. It's easier said than done.
Truth is, intense emotional crisis of abandonment can create a trauma severe enough to leave an emotional imprint on an individuals' psychological functioning thru out one's life. As with other types of traumas, PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) of abandonment too is a psychological condition in which childhood separation traumas can continue to interfere with one's life unless timely help/therapy is sought to deal with the same. An earmark of this kind of trauma is extreme anxiety which often manifests as a pervasive feeling of insecurity (which as we know can also be a major source of self sabotage in most relationships) and heightened emotional responses, esp to abandonment triggers that are often considered insignificant by others.
In Kerim's case, the letter fiasco had reawakened his old losses. Echoes of old feelings of anger, resentment, vulnerability etc had come back to haunt him again in full force. In fact now he was going thru double the amt of anxiety and insecurity - one caused by the reminder of his parents cruel abandonment of him and the other caused by his continued lack of surety of FG's love. He seems to be going thru an Emotional pendulum swing caught in the middle of these two issues. His abandonment driven feelings of insecurity cld be making him even more insecure with respect to Fatmagul. Plus Mustafa's constant lurking around and trying to claim her back must not be helping. He must feel like 'walls closing in on him' at times - sthing that can happen in such situations - hence his emotionally charged, aggressive reaction to Mustafa's flowers to Fatma. Can't blame him really. It's very difficult to sort one's feelings thru such an emotional fog. There is a natural tendency towards unpredictable outbursts of anger, acting impulsively despite being aware of the negative consequences etc under these conditions.
When we say - just like FG gave a chance to Kerim, he too shld give a chance to his father, we should not forget that Kerim tirelessly worked to get that chance and that too against all odds. It's Kerim's persistent persual of her, his undeterred round the clock being around her and working for her well being, his demonstration of his unconditional love thru countless little gestures of care for her that ultimately made FG give him a chance. Imagine if he too, like his father, had stayed away and only written letters imploring her to forgive him, wld she have given him a chance? No. She too most likely wld have torn those letters without reading them. Kerim's father too needs to EARN his forgiveness by coming back and doing everything possible to atone for what he did. Yes, he wld initially have to face angry rejection and rightly so, just like Kerim had to with Fatmagul. But given the nature of his offence, he should persevere and do everything possible to win his trust and love back just like Kerim did. There are no free lunches in this world. Merely writing letters seeking his permission to come back so that he cld tbe there for him is horribly inadequate and doesn't cut it. Sr Ilgaz needs to 'work' to atone for his sins. Yes, it's a sin to abandon a little child, to leave him on his own in the world to fend for himself, to practically orphan him. And that too a child who is also going thru the horrible trauma of having seen his mother commit suicide right before his eyes. Also, abandoned children mostly grow up feeling highly inadequate. They feel maybe something is wrong with them which is why their parents did not find them worthy of their love and care. Feelings of insecurity, unworthiness, resentment, bitterness, anger etc become so deep rooted that they can end up destroying their lives. That Kerim had to suffer all this for no fault of his is ON his father and it's up to him to now do right by him and he doesn't need Kerim's permission for it. He sure hadn't sought his permission before abandoning him, had he! Why does he even think he needs one now to atone for it! Bizarre.
Bottomline - given all the suffering, the trauma etc, Kerim is justified in his reaction to his father and to the letters he has been writing. I don't think he is being selfish at all. I completely understand his sate of mind and empathise with him. Just like Kerim was brave enough to stay around Fatmagul despite her hatred, her mistrust, her rejection, her anger (and I reiterate that she was right in reacting to him like this at that time) and had worked hard against all odds to win her trust and love, his father too needs to do the same. He needs to do more than just lip service and come back regardless of whether he wants him to or not and 'for a change' actually be there for him. He needs to work his butt off, if need be, to win his son's mutilated trust and confidence in parental love and DO what a father is expected to do, instead of merely writing letters and begging for forgiveness. Also, apparently, he has been writing letters to Kerim since he was in his teens. How ridiculous it is that he just went by his teen son's refusal to read the letters and decided to stay away. What can be more moronic than that imo. Out of the two, he was the adult and should have behaved like one. Regardless of his son's anger and resentment towards him (and justified at that), he should have returned long back and fulfilled his parental duties towards him besides trying to win back his love, trust and forgiveness. Can't really blame Kerim for the way he feels toward his father.
Edited by Eirene - 8 years ago
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