DIARIES:ZAROON KASHAF*UPDATED LAST PART 08/11*PG 66 - Page 7

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KASHAF 23 DECEMBER

Ajib baat hai aaj kal yeh Zaroon ko pata nahi kya hogaya hai. Kuch dino pehle woh kuch hafte ke liye daftar nahi aya tha magar ab jab wo aya bhi toh uska ek naya roop dekha maine. Yeh meri soch hai ya wakai usme tabdili ayi hai iska toh mujhe nahi pata. Agar usme tabdili ayi hai toh sochti hoon aisa kya hua un chand dino main ki woh bilkul hi badal gaya hai. Waise yeh tabdili sirf mere hawale se nahi hai aj Maria bhi daftar mein isi bare mein zikr kar rahi thi
"Pata nahi yeh Zaroon sir ko kya hua hai. Aj kal kuch chup chup rehte hai. "
Maine use koi jawab nahi diya. Aj kal toh woh mujhe kisi bhi baat par nahi tokta aur sabse chaukane wali baat to tab hui jab usne meri tareef ki. Nahi galat nahi likh rahi tareef hi ki usne. Main uske chehre ko hi dekhti reh gayi aur phir woh waha se chala gaya. Khair jo bhi wajah ho usme tabdili ki mere liye ek badi rahat se kam nahi hai. Uski bachkani baaton se mein waise hi bohot tang thi.

ZAROON 24 DECEMBER

Ammi ke mauth ke bad bohot badlav aya hai mujhme. Zindagi ko aur kareeb se dekhne laga hoon main. Ammi ko cancer tha jo unhone mujhe, apne antim ghadi tak ,batana zaruri nahi samjha.Unhone mujhe Islamabad bulwaya tha. Waha jane par unki halat ko dekh meri rooh kap gayi. Maine bohot koshishein ki shayad minatte bhi ki doctors ki magar kuch kaam nahi aya. Mere parivar ke naam pe bas Ammi hi toh thi. Khuda ne unhe bhi cheen liya.
Ammi hamesha mujhe Islamabad transfer karane ko kehti thi taki woh mere saath waqt guzar sake. Par main hi hamesha talta raha. Sochta hoon agar pehle main unhe samajh paya hota to yeh naubat nahi ati. Ammi ki mauth ek bada dhakka toh thi hi mere liye magar jane se pehle ammi ne jo baatein mujhe batayi woh shayad mujhe me baaz chizon Ko lekar bohot sari tabdiliyan la rahi hai. Ab shayad main wahi Zaroon nahi raha.

ZAROON 02 JANUARY

Bohot badi galti ki hai maine aj. Par aisa toh main kayi bar kar chuka hoon magar aaj mujhe me ehsas e jurm kyu paida hogaya hai?
Shayad yeh ammi ki baaton ka hi asar hain. Nahi karna chahiye tha mujhe aisa. Galti uski thi aur woh maafi bhi mang rahi thi magar maine theek nahi kiya. Us hisab se toh main hi mujrim hua. Ammi mujhe maaf nahi karengi. Wada kiya tha maine unse ki aise dukh pohnchane wale kaam main kabhi nahi karunga.
Dimag phir gaya tha mera jab maine dekha ki usne galat files ko transfer kar diye hai. Baat legal kagaz pattar ki nahi hoti toh main kabhi nahi chilata. Jis tarah main uske pas cheenkthe huye gaya ab uske bare mein soch kar ehsas-e-jurm to hoga hi. Agar shayad use maine aisi hi dant apne cabin main lagai hoti toh mujhe itna bura nahi lagta. Us samay woh cafeteria mein thi. Sab ke samne maine uske izzat ki dhajjiya uda di. Yakeenan agar ye pehle ka waqt hota toh mujhe koi afsos nahi hota. Main khud ko shabashi deta magar ab baat kuch aur hai. Usne jaan bujh ke toh aise nahi kiya hoga aur agar karti toh maafi kabhi bhi nahi mangti.
"Ms.Kashaf Murtuza ap yaha aram se coffee pee rahi hai. Apko andaza bhi hai apne kya himakat ki hai?"
"Kaunsi himakat?"
Apne kursi se khade hote huye usne pucha.
"Khud dekh lo."
Yeh kehti hi maine apne haath ke documents uske muh pe de mare. Zillat ka ehsas uske chehre se zahir tha. Documents dekh kar usne asmanjas mein meri taraf dekha.
"Sir yeh maine kaise kar diya mujhe koi andaza nahi hai."
"Koi andaza nahi hai?Tumhe pata hai humare office ka license cancel ho sakta hai.Tumse aisi umeed nahi thi mujhe."
Woh wahi baith gayi aur larkharati hui awaz me usne kaha
"Sir Mujhe maaf kar dein. I am sorry."
"Hell with your.."
Main apne jumle ko pura nahi kar paya uske ankho se tapakte hue ansuon ko dekh kar. Main chup hogaya aur waha se chala gaya. Ammi ki ankhon me bhi kuch aise hi ansu hua karte the, Bachpan ki dhundli yadon me. Maine humesha ammi se zikr kiya tha ki mujhe unka rota hua chehra yaad ata hai. Magar woh humesha meri baat ko ek bura sapna ya imagination bata kar tal deti thi. Magar ab toh sari sachayi mere samne hai. Main nahi chahta ki kisi ke ansuon ka karan banu. Allah shayad mujhe maaf kar dega lekin Kashaf nahi karegi yakeen hai mujhe.Phir bhi main kal usse maafi manunga. Sabke samne toh nahi par manunga zarur. Shayad isse hi mera sukun laut aye aur sirf is baat ke liye hi nahi har us baat ke liye maafi manunga jisse use takleef hui hai mere hawale se.

KASHAF 02 JANUARY

Main aaj Zaroon se nahi khud se gussa hoon. Meri hi galti thi magar Main aisi galti kaise kar sakti thi. Usulan use mujhe naukri se hi nikal dena tha. Magar usne aisa nahi kiya.
Usne mujhe maaf nahi kiya. Woh bohot gusse mein tha. Meri shakal bhi nahi dekhna chahta hoga. Meri is harqat se uski naukri bhi daav par thi.
Mujhe usse phir maaf mangni hogi main kisi ke ehsaan tale nahi reh sakti. Mujhe apne apko itna kamzor nahi dikhana chahiye tha. Magar ansu khud ba khud nikalne lage. Kya soch raha hoga woh. Itni dino se ek kabil,strong aurat hone ka dhong kar rahi thi main. Nahi rona chahiye tha mujhe sabke samne. Main ab aur waha kaam nahi kar sakti. Maine apna isteefa likha liya hai aur yeh bhi soch liya hai ki apne galti ka pura ilzam main apne sar lungi. Mere wajah se kisi ki pareshaniyon mein izafa ho main yeh nahi chahti.