He wasn't.
"You're smoking!" she repeated.
And he hid his laughter.
"Raman! You promised not to," she chastised, only this time she pushed herself away from him.
"I'm not, I promised I wouldn't remember," he said as he snapped his fingers against her forehead, albeit lightly.
She massaged the area he has affected.
She was still in his arms. Her eyes closed, as if trying to catch up on lost sleep.
"Raman, adi raat ko Devdas bane kyun ho?"
He didn't reply, chucking he asked her to catch up on her sleep if she could.
"Tum kya kar rahe ho?"
"Listening to your playlist,"
"You're what? My what? Raman, wapas karo,"
He moved away, teased her about her song choices and she chased him trying to get her instrument back.
"You know what, you're short. I can jump and get it away," she would say
"You're fat, you can't jump," he would chuckle and she would jump as he moved.
It would be a while after which she gave up. When he nonchalantly replied saying that he was just seeing that she exercised, she too replied saying that every song in the list had a motive, and all the songs that he heard so far, she would see that it would was completed. He flung the device as if it was hot potato.
He knew her and her motives. And none of them were decent.
Laughter and comments later she asked for a time out and he commented saying that she was getting older. And she replied saying that she had him, her budape ka sangat.
So she sat herself down opposite him, cross legged, a beer bottle in hand (the only one he allowed her to have) and his for company as she firstly lectured him about threatening Shagun for no reason, whatsoever. And the strict atmosphere turned into something mellower as she mentioned Adi.
"Mummy, Papa, Amma and Appa are going for their vacation next year. Bala and Akka are going to be busy. And Mihir and Mihika need their space, we don't want what happened to us to happen to them. And Ruhi has two years till she starts formal school. Shagun wants us to petition for temporary custody. She feels the atmosphere she is and is forcing on Adi is scary for him when he is already so influenced. And he too has a year or two before high school. We need to tackle his problems now, accusations or not. So I was thinking, what if we moved away for a year or two. I know you're not keen on the American education system, we could home school Ruhi and admit Adi into a school that considers such behavior and works towards helping them out. And probably get him some psychiatric help, living with Ashok and Shagun could mess anyone up. I am not saying that there is something wrong with Aditya, but such aggressive behaviour is a symptom of a bigger trauma. He needs to talk it out, learn to come in terms with whatever is haunting him. He is a kid, I know. But care taken before hand is better. We can have a trial session, just one and if the psychiatrist finds it's needed we can move ahead with it. Or else we can scrap it. You don't have to listen to me, you have a whole team watching over Adi for all I know,"
"Ishita, about Adi, Amma's accident and Shagun," he started off as he played with his fingers.
"We are not discussing this Raman. We both know how this ends. It ends in a screaming match which neither of us want. And you're changing the topic, forget that I even mentioned it,'
And before Raman could get back to the topic, the discussion had moved.
How long would they not discuss it?
And from balconies when Subbu came to call Vishwa away, he followed the older man's gaze to meet with Ishita talking animatedly to that guy.
They seated themselves in the middle of the area. Sipping on beer and laughing at random jokes. Never had he seen Ishita like this. They Ishita he knew didn't drink, or stay up so late.
The Ishita he knew didn't laugh or crank jokes. And the Raman Bhalla known to the world refused to smile. And hadn't Amma said that they weren't married in the true sense.
Didn't she say it earlier today that all be had to try harder. That Raman and Ishita were in a marriage of convenience. Raman still had relations with his ex-wife, she said. Ishita trapped him into a marriage he didn't want, she had said. All he had to do was observe them minus the crowd, all he to do was look at how unhappy Ishita was behind that smile. All he had to do was grip onto the trap she had set on herself and set her free.
But why was it so hard? Why did she smile at him like she never did with Subbu? Why did he look at her in the way he did? Why did he laugh, smile and lose himself only to her? And why did she do the same? There wasn't anyone here. There were no crowds, no faces to please. No facade to keep then why were they still so close. Why did they enjoy spending time with each other?
He can't even stand her, he doesn't even touch her, she had said.
Then why did he hold her hand as they chatted?
He never held his wife's hand and they were still married in every sense.
Why did Ishita lean closer and hug that guy's arm?
Why did he ruffle her hair and she glare at him?
Why did they have mock punch fights?
They even clicked pictures. Stargazed.
They weren't a real couple, she had said.
Then why was the evidence against her words?
****
Birth Report
Registration Number ****
Registration Date:
CHILD
Name of child: Ruhanika Alayziah Raman Kumar Bhalla
Date of Birth: ** ** 2009
Sex: Female
Type of Birth: Single
Birth Order: - - - - - -
Place of Birth: New Delhi, India
Parents Married: Yes
Hospital Birth: Yes
Hospital: Fortis Healthcare
MOTHER
Maiden Name: Ishita Vishwanathan Iyer
Current Name: Ishita Raman Kumar Bhalla
Date of Birth: ** ** 1986
Place of Birth: Chennai, India
Marital Status: Married
Residence:
FATHER
Name of Father: Raman Kumar Om Prakash Bhalla
Date of Birth: ** ** 1982
Place of Birth: Punjab, India
Residence:
"What's this?" she asked him as he handed her the envelope.
"Ruhi's birth certificate," he replied.
"Oh," her voice lost confidence as found herself reminded of the harsh reality.
"Remember, when Shagun gave up her rights to Ruhi. And courts granted you full custody. Ruhi's parental rights could be changed, so the legal team filed for an adoption suit citing you to be seen as Ruhi's legal mother. The birth certificate required one genetic parent and your consent. With permanent custody, you certified for it. So, pretty much all the legalities could be handles. But it was uncertain. We didn't know if we could pull through or not, and you know how it goes," he stuttered, unsure.
"Why now?" she asked as she wiped away a r ar or two.
She shouldn't be crying.
"Because I received it hours ago. Khurafati dimag band karo, you're not getting rid of me that easily," he laughed.
And she looked at it for ages.
It didn't matter. It really didn't. But in a world like theirs where evidence weighed more than feelings did, it did matter.
She was Ruhi's mother.
This time for real.
What Raman hadn't anticipated was her breaking down, of the walls crashing down right before him.
He had vowed not to make her cry and he had gone ahead and done just that.
And he didn't even know what he did wrong!
"It gets difficult to live with me? Doesn't it?" she asked a while later.
"Well, you're annoying, clingy and this perfectionist. Ofcourse it does, but it doesn't matter. All that matters is you're here." he laughed before she sobered up.
"I was twenty one when I was diagnosed with clinical depression," she said as she sat on the ground, leaning against the terrace wall. A beer bottle in her hand. She took a swig and continued her tale. A tale he hadn't known about.
"I didn't know how it started. My marriage was announced. I was in the last few months of medical school. I would be certified as a dentist then. My education would end there. I should have felt happy. But all I did feel was low. Like, my world had ceased to exist. All I remember was waking one morning feeling like the world had abandoned me. Like I was lost in this pic of darkness. And the saddest part was that I couldn't tell how I felt. Appa was too worried about the family's decision. Amma felt everything was happening too fast but was still hugely involved in the wedding. We had just lost bhabhi. The house was in turmoil. It would be cruel to turn to Anna. How could I tell him that I didn't know what I wanted anymore? And that the thought of marrying Subbu suffocated me. But that was what I wanted from the first time he had told me he was the one who would marry me. It was what everyone wanted. And there was nothing I could do. I remember sitting in locked rooms crying my eyes because I didn't know what my life would be after I married. And no matter how many tears I shed it didn't make sense. It didn't make any sense. Subbu's mother would come and look at me like I was this treasure she had chosen for her son. Everyone would say that I would be so lucky. But all it wanted to do was run away. And then it was as if the universe decided to help me. I was hospitalised on the day of my engagement ceremony with Subbu. Hours later diagnosed with TB which affected my adrenal glands leading to hormonal imbalance and adhesions of the Fallopian tube. I didn't know how to react. It's like a part of me just shut off. It was where it all started, what was supposed to be my downfall,"
Raman seated himself besides her. He didn't hug or offer any sign of physical comfort. He didn't embrace her. Instead he held her hand as she continued her tale.
"Subbu's family broke their engagement. I still didn't feel it. You know? Nothing was confirmed. It was an assumption. There were no tests that could prove anything. And that feeling? It was the worst. Not knowing where you stand. Paati's next move was to fix my engagement for the second time. I would lock myself in my room for days. No one looked besides it. No one looked ahead. It was just the engagement breaking off, they said. She'll get over it, they said. How could they be so sure? And then Subbu's wedding was on talks. It didn't matter to me. To a guy who valued a medical certificate over mine, and an assumed one over that. What a guy like that to me? So he was marrying this girl who was a complete doormat. Someone with no dreams or ambitions. Someone who was happy being someone's wife. I wasn't that. I wasn't what Devyani Aunty tried to mould me into. I had my dreams, ambitions and somewhere I wanted to be. I wanted to help people. What if I couldn't have kids of my own? I could protect and save other kids. I could see that mothers wouldn't be where I was. It was fine, I was applying to medical schools in the nation and outside the nation too. I was giving up medical practice to slog for more than a decade. I even got into a few medical schools. I wasn't out of it, it was more of an anger based reaction. I was furious at myself, the world and at my fate. How could I let a medical condition bring me down? All I told Amma. 'How will you get married Ishu, it's such a long process,' she said. And then Subbu's wedding was announced. His family were spending a huge amount on it just to rub it in our faces. And the whispers started. I was suddenly the one left behind, the used girl. It was tormenting. Those were words to be ignored. People who didn't matter. But they did. And Subbu's mother came over. With Nitya. I was home alone that day. 'Baanj,' she said staring right into my eyes. And it hurt. When she said the same words using different synonyms, the second time more hurtful than the first, it ripped me apart. It was as if she was tearing apart every barrier I put up. Tearing them apart, piece by piece. And everything spiralled apart. I was battling my own mind and sanity. It was cruel. My conscience against my mind, every moment. I refused to leave my room. Refused food. I would sit in my rooms for days altogether. It was horrible. I didn't know what to do or what to live for. And the worst was that I had no one to blame or had no clue what was causing it. My body was weakening. Everyone assumed that it was my so called live for Subbu. But that wasn't even relatively close to it. That's when Paati butted in. The talks starting increasing. All my marriage prospects shoed away by fabricated tales from Subbu's mother. My future was blank. I could never marry, or have a kid. Ot even dream of a future. And committing suicide was more difficult than living. I wanted to live. I wanted to be happy. It was a daily struggle to wake up every day. To get out of bed. I didn't have school to attend, anyone to meet or anything to do. I was aimless. And Paati enrolled me into a medical school given my previous school records and her influence. She refused handing me a seat. She said if I wanted to go to a school I had to clear the exams. I was the one who ranked medical exams but gave my seat away chose dentistry. She knew that if it hadn't been for Devyani's insistence that I go for dentistry and complete school in three years I would be where she was telling me to be. She said that she was returning my seat to me, I'd only I cleared my exams. So for the next three months I sat in my room and slogged my ass off. Once again I didn't know where I wanted or what I wanted. All I knew was that I wanted to get away. And this? This was my only chance. My family had given up on a future. What more had I to hold on to? It was then that I felt alienated. Isolated. I couldn't turn to anyone. So I struggled. I used my weakness to my benefit. The initial days were horrible. My room saw no sunlight for months. All I did those days was have material delivered to me. I studied. And when I couldn't study I slept. Months went by, I hadn't even realised that studying had become my coping mechanism. I was back to being the competitive student that I was. I could no longer feel attachment. Or anything. It was grim. Life was black and white. Just that. I cleared exams. Registered for the next semester. Joined medical school where I was diagnosed with clinical depression. I couldn't return home. That pushed me off. I was an embarrassment whose family paid lakhs to get away from. I couldn't show up there. So for the next few months I cut off contact with everyone including Appa and Amma. No one called to check up and neither did I. It went on like that. The fees would get deposited. I wouldn't go home for vacations. Instead I would practice and perfect on my courses. It should have been heartbreaking but I was detached. I didn't care. And when my term ended at my graduation Amma was there with Jiju. She clapped the loudest. She hugged me that night. She said it was the worst for her. That it hurt her more. She was in touch with my psychiatrist. She had always been there. She wanted me to forget everything if it helped me. Even her. Akka was pregnant. Amma suggested we move away. In those years, Amma had retired from her Directorate position. She was now a visiting professor. Appa was living off his corporate investments. We would have more than enough income she said. She just wanted me to happy and forget about the money. And study. So Amma and Appa purchased a house in Delhi. It would a take a year or two to be furnished. They rented a house in the vicinity of my university. And the hospital I was an intern at. I moved from hostel to home. My medication doses decreased. Months flew by and Akka gave birth to a baby boy. And the first time I held Shravu. He was something I had to protect all my life. My baby. He was my responsibility. Home changed from the joint family to family we had built on our own." she said.
He placed a light peck on her forehead. Not knowing what to say or what to do.
"And then I held Ruhi," she smiled.
"Ruhi, she was so different from Shravan. Ruhi was my own. She was mine the minute I laid my eyes on her. How could someone not love her? She was adorable. So lovable. And so lost. The first time she clung onto me, I was her mother then. So what if I had to marry you Raavan to completely have unthreathened legal rights over her. Ruhi thought me to live. To let go and to forget. To look into the little joys that I forgotten. To smile at something as stupid as adding salt to a bonfire. Who knew it would give one so much joy to teach her jump or blow a bubble? Or smile at strangers? Or to pull pranks on the resident Raavan Kumar. Growing up, I had the world's best parents. If it hadn't been for them denying professional advice and risking it all to give birth to me to being my back bone to Lea some where I am today - I wouldn't be here today. I fear to think where I would be today. And Amma's accident, Amma's accident was terrible. It was cruel, unjust and plain cruel. Seeing Amma who never wished anything on anyone going through pain and fighting death everyday. And you? You were mine. You were supposed to be mine. You were meant to stand by side, fight my fights. But you didn't. You stood opposite me. You fought it. And I hated myself for my. I hated myself for falling into the trap. For expecting more from you. For making you my life, for wanting more of you - your approval, time, presence. Just you. For thinking of you. Wishing for you. For hoping for you. And dreaming of you. And I was relapsing. Falling into that pit the had struggled to get out. I was falling. Only this time I knew the cause. It was you. But the sad part was that you were never at fault. You never had promise me anything. Your bet stopped at Ruhi. It was Ruhi, it had been Ruhi. I was the stupid one. Wanting for more. Wishing for more. Over dissecting and analysing every moment that meant nothing to you. And I couldn't hate you. I couldn't hate you for what you had done to Amma. For what you were doing to me. For shattering my trust just like that knowing how difficult it was for me to get there. You wanted to be forgiven, not realising that there had been nothing to be forgiven. Because I chose myself over you then. I had chosen protecting myself over you. I had been completely and utterly selfish. I didn't think put myself out the etc consider what you had been going through. I had blindly accepted whatever show Shagun put up for you. I had known you. I had known what you were capable of but I couldn't see past that facade. I was insecure, incapable and selfish. To protect myself, I chose to shut you out only to let you in. And it's scary. It kills me. Everyday. Expecting more from you. When you know nothing of it," she stopped at that. And she away the tears that she had shed. And she looked a him with a grin. Then she traced his face. And picked at a tear, taking it on her finger tips she burst into laughter as she lightly punched him on the abdomen.
"Well, don't go around killing my Raavan Kumar for me."
"What if he comes, your hero?" Raman asked his wife, unsure of her answer.
"Well, have to send the poor chap away. I'm married to my
Raavan Kumar and this poor heart of mine happens to quite like him,"
"It can't be helped then? Even if he's right here?"
"Can't be helped. Raavan Kumar tends to be too possessive. And quite dramatic too."
"Look who's she's calling dramatic," muttered Raman.
"You still owe me a dance, get your lazy butt off the ground,"
"I am not dancing with you,"
"Yes, you. You owe me dance. Right here. Right now." said Ishita, her voice raised.
"Madrasan, shush. If anyone comes up, they're going to assume I'm mistreating my wife and then proceed to kick the both of us out for creaking a ruckus. Kisko pata, that its the other way round,"
"Raman, I have a bucket list to complete,"
"And creepy dancing in the middle of the night post a long acceptance speech is on your bucket list,"
"Yes, it is." said Ishita as she stomped her feet.
"Sorry, babe. Not happening," chucked Raman as he proceeded to stand up.
"It's just a dance, Raman,"
"In the moonlight. Under fairy lights. With no music. What are you five?"
"Yes, I am five," said Ishita adamantly.
"Sorry, I don't dance with five year olds," chucked her husband as he held her in his arms.
"I shall gladly convey this message to your daughter,"
"My daughter is a different case, Ishita Iyer,"
"It's Ishita Bhalla, Ishita Raman Kumar Bhalla,"
Raman smiled a prideful smile as he quirked his eyebrows.
And she lead the steps as he followed her lead. She could feel his eyes on her causing her to blush.
"Look at her, thinking out loud, all those nasty thoughts of hers. Make some effort, everything is written on your face," he said as he lightly poked her forehead with his finger. And she grinned at him.
Didn't he want to get away from her?
He must have sensed her eyes asking him for answers. Begging him for his silence.
"What if I told you that this girl you about is mine?" he said, "That every piece of her, broken or not was mine. And it doesn't matter what happened or what could happen. I'm sorry I didn't meet you earlier, I'm sorry that I couldn't fight your battles with you, and when I did meet you I just added to your battles. That I wasn't the guy for you, that I knew your pain and was selfish to put myself before you. I won't make any promises, I won't promise you that I won't hurt you, that I won't make you cry or wish that I that you never met me, because I intend to spend every lifetime we're together with you - and that's a long time. So there will be times where you hate me, where we both go wrong and all that we want to get away for each other. But I will hold onto you. If not anything, I'll be there for you. I'll be right besides you and I won't judge you. And Ruhi has the amazing mother in the whole world. Though she assumes you're the awesomest mom in the whole wide world, how is she to know that you're just another Tiger Mom in disguise," he chuckled earning a whack from her, "Okay, you're not. But are one abusive Madrasan. And we love this Madrasan of ours. So you don't need to lock yourself up in the very place you want to get away from just so you can put it behind, you never will be able to. Because these are the the people you loved for twenty years and still do. You can't stack them at the back of your mind in a month. You can never push your past in a corner and expect it to stay there and never resurface, Ishita. All you can do is accept it and accept that it's a part of you and who you are. You can't make it go away. It's there. It will always be there. And it will always come back to haunt you. The faster you accept that, the better it gets. And you don't need to 'fix' yourself for anyone, if you struggle to change the person you are and kose the very essence of the person you are, the shell left behind isn't you. If people can't accept you for who you are, you move away. Because there will come a day when the shell cracks and person you locked away or struggled to will resurface and hell will break loose. And the way you are, you're perfect. You just have to lecture less, but that's another story. And I'm not buttering you any further. Clear that khurafati dimaag of yours. I told you, you need to work. It keeps you sane. Or else this is what it results in, jhansi ki rani going off grid with being jagat mata."
"How do you do your prep talks, normally? They're miserable. This is like me telling Ruhi to brush her teeth and Ruhi telling me that with Papa she didn't brush her teeth till her food started tasting wierd and then flashing me her perfect teeth."
"Well, you do make her brush after every meal. Who does that?"
"Don't you even start, Adi, Ruhi and you if left alone don't hit the shower for two days straight, order takeout the whole day long and have bets on who has to collect the takeout from the door to the game room. Like, which father even does that? And that Ruhi almost learn curse words from Adi and you!"
"But we did beat records, it's a guy thing, Madrasan. Tum nahi samjogi,"
"Ruhi ladki hai," she said as she rolled her eyes.
"She's under training,"
"On what? How to chase guys away?"
"Precisely,"
"What am I even going to do with you?" said Ishita as she hit
her head against Raman's chest.
"This," he said as he pulled her closer, placing an a lone finger on her lip to shush her.
She lost herself in his eyes.
How was she so lucky?
When did she get so lucky?
And as she placed hers over his, as he lost himself in her eyes and as they twirled in the moonlight in all their simplicity, he found himself falling for her all over again. They might have danced for hours or minutes. He wouldn't know for time had ceased to exist. All he knew was that she was here, and he was here and all they needed was each other. That they had a future that they had yet to live. And that he was falling for her. That she was breaking down the walls that surrounded his heart, and there could be nothing as perfect as her, other than their daughter. That she was his and that he would never let her go.
And as her body crashed against his, he lost himself in her eyes. Maybe it was the fairylights that twinkled in the background, maybe it was her, maybe it were their heartbeats beat that now beta as one or maybe it was their rapid breathing but Raman Kumar Bhalla descended his lips upon his wife's as she closed her eyes in anticipation. There was a keen sense of certainty in that moment. Maybe it was the undying yet unrequited loved that they had for each other. Maybe it was the universe that tried it's level best to bring them closer. All that was known was that two people were falling in love and a whole new galaxy was created in their wake.
It was as his lips met hers, and as his hands lightly cupped her face has it made all the difference. As their lips moved in synchronisation, as they silently gasped for breaths in between kisses not wanting the moment to end. It was when her hands left her face and traced along her curves, or when she dug her hands into his hair and he enclosed his around hover waist pulling her closer to him, almost merging their bodies through the flimsy excuses for clothes that they wore for the moment that they realised that they never wanted this moment to cease. Maybe it was magic in air. Or the pixie dust that came along with midnight. Maybe it was the twinkling lights or the moment that was them. They were successfully creating magic.
******"Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable."
Bruce Lee
I'll do the end later. Now all I want to do is sleep. And I slept through the evening and freaked out through the night and now I'm too full and stressed to think straight. Sorry. :)
I just had the kiss left and I had that bit in the original short unexplained version of this chapter. So I just pasted that, because this chapter has been dragging on for six months. Yes. I am completely fed up of it. I just wanted to end it. Tell me if anyone wants me to write this again. The kiss.
Thanks to Becks and Anjali for helping me out. You two :*
-Kiara
Anupamaa
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