OS: She Baffles Me!

She Baffles Me!!!

Today has definitely been the worst day of my life... I have had bad days but today takes the medal... I am so exhausted... there is nothing left in me... today I have given up the two most precious most important parts of my life... my daughter and my wife... I gave up the part of my life that lived... Roohi and she made me live my life... not just take in and exhale air... but appreciate my life... with them I could see happiness in the most ugliest situations... I could feel worthy in the lowest points of my life... but today... I willingly gave them up... because they deserve more...

Sitting outside Terminal 3A of IGIA I see a young girl feed a chocolate to a man about my age... the girl is probably as old as my Rooh... and that lucky bugger is probably her father... Lucky... yes... that is the word... because Raman Kumar Bhalla may be the youngest CEO of a Fortune 500 company... but that man sitting in front of me... probably a mid level employee at some MNC is the luckiest man in this world... because his daughter loves him... and he deserves her love... I on the other hand... my daughter loves me... and I love her... but I don't deserve her... every time she says "I Love You Papa" to me in that innocent tone... I feel like I own the world... but the next instant I remember the first six years of her life... the first six years when a daughter deserves to be coddled... cherished... pampered... and loved by her father... but what did my Rooh get???... a broken, alcoholic, insensitive and indifferent father who was so caught up in his past and insecurities that he never appreciated the most precious gift nature ever gave... his daughter...

I am ashamed as I remember my Rooh's innocent attempts to come closer to me... those beautiful opportunities that would have made life long memories had I not pushed her away... the only person who has ever loved Rooh for being Rooh is her... so today I gave her my Rooh... my soul... because the truth is that I always loved Rooh... loved her because she was my daughter... and fathers are supposed to love their daughters... but I truly fell in love with "Roohi The Person" only after I met her... for only then did I see the strength that my 6 year old possessed... as she stood in front of this hypocritical society and calmly stated that she was her Ishima's daughter... for only then did I see the maturity that my little girl possessed... as she helped her Ishima forget the most traumatic night of her life... for only then did I see the pain that Rooh's little heart felt... as she asked her mother why her father didn't love them... I saw the zest for life that my daughter had... as she kept trying again and again to make her parents fall in love... I saw the mothering nature my daughter had... as she wiped my tears and fed me... reminding me that everything would be OK... I saw the hero-worshiping belief that my daughter had in me... as she shared her innocent fears with me... as she tried to understand the devious nature of her biological mother and brother... all the time worrying about her Ishima and Papa... but never losing heart... because for her... Papa sab theek kar denge... And today finally I don't feel guilty... because finally Papa ne sab theek kar diya...

I see the hustle bustle at the airport... people dropping their loved ones... saying their good byes... a loud Punjabi family is saying goodbyes to its son... the guy looks embarrassed... and I totally relate to it... after all... no one can beat my family... and if the Punjabi tadka was not enough... a heavy dose of South Indian gunpowder seasoning that is now added to the mix... phew... this guy should just accept it the way I have... some of us just have drama companies for families...

And the biggest drama queen in my life is my wife... no... was my wife... because as of this afternoon... I lost the right to call her so... and I don't regret it... I am never going to be able to call her my wife... but she will always be my Jhansi Ki Rani... my Paagal Madrasan... Everywhere around I see people... happy people... and I am jealous... I want to take away their happiness... it is not fair that they get to be happy when I cannot... how is it that everyone else gets to live a perfect life... and I don't... Papaji, Appa, Bala... they all have the love of their families... why cant I have it... once before my family did not want me... and today... I have a family that loves me... but I cant be with them... why???... right now I want to break everything... destroy everything... shake that man standing near the elevator... tell him not to talk on the phone and ignore his wife... not to look outside at the runway... but to actually drink in the sight of his children and family... because he may become unlucky like me... and lose everything...

I am walking towards the restroom... I need to get a hold of myself... I can feel myself losing control... but I need to reign in my pain and anger... because right now I have to be strong... my family needs me and I need to do this... I splash water on my face... I feel the coolness of the water on my face... but from inside... I am numb... losing Rooh and her has taken away everything from me... at times I feel like a spectator in my own life... and I hate it... but I have to learn to live like this... because this is the only way that she can be happy... because being with me only gives her grief...

I feel my phone vibrate... it is Neel again... I receive the call to hear him say... "Bhai... It is done... Bhabhi has the papers... but Bhai... I still think you are wrong... This is not..." I cut his call... I know what he is going to say... because he has been saying it since morning... This is not the solution... But this is the ONLY solution... she will learn to live without me... she will learn to move on... My Rooh will help her... She is strong... She will forget about me... and she will help Roohi forget about me also... but I hope that she forgives me...

I smile as I remember the first time that she spoke to me... and as always... it was lecture... a lecture on etiquette... I laugh as I remember that time... the lady sitting next to me is giving me weird looks.. like I am crazy... and for a moment I see her in that woman's eyes... I see the same flash of disdain that I used to see in her eyes... for a moment I am content... I am relieved... because now I know how to move on... now I know how to live my life... I am going to live my life in these flashes and moments of her that I will see in a strangers eyes... in those instances I am going to live my whole life...

My phone vibrates again... It is her... I ignore the call... I sit back and remember this last year of my life... I have truly lived this last year... She changed my life... I am amazed when I remember my initial feelings for her... God I hated her... today I cant even remember why I hated her... probably because she was the epitome of what I needed... what I wanted but could never have... even after we were forced in the "Sirf Roohi Ke Liye" marriage I still hated her... but that didn't last long... how could it... her Samaaj Seva and Jagga Jasoosi ensured that she always poked her nose in my issues... and astonishingly managed to solve them... I didn't even realize when I began to depend on her... just began to believe that she would just handle it...

I am restless... I walk up to the cafe and buy a chicken tikka sandwich... even this reminds me of her... how she readily temporarily sidelined her religious beliefs for my families happiness... and her discomfort after touching the meat... on the last count that Rooh and I made in our room at night she had smelled her hand 95 times!!! the fun we had that day... usually this sandwich tastes good... but today it tastes like paper... I want to eat pasta... not just any pasta... but the madrasi pasta that she makes... it is clear to me that this woman is going to haunt me... haunt me everywhere I go... every time I breathe... she is an enigma... there was a time that I loved to hate her... but now... I hate that I love her... because my love... my presence in her life has only hurt her...

My phone is ringing again... it is her... 30 missed calls... this lady is crazy!!! cant she take a hint???... She confuses me... I hurt her and she heals me... I bring her down with me and she pushes me up... I take a step back and she takes two steps towards me... why cant she leave me alone... why doesn't she realize that I am not good for her... that I will slowly destroy the essence of life within her... it would be so much easier if she only wanted me for Roohi... then I could have just walked away alone and she would have let me... but now... she wants me for herself and I cant let that happen... because I will destroy her and I cant let that happen...

I get the flight confirmation message... I give a sigh of resignation and pick up the suit case ready to take the ticket... being Raman Kumar Bhalla has its benefits... I asked my assistant to book the ticket just two hours ago... after I left for the airport... and now... it is done... I wish life could be controlled the same way...

As I move towards the ticket counter I see a lady in a green dress... no not just any green dress... but the Karele Ke Chilke wala green dress... for a moment I imagine my Madrasan in that dress... someone pushes me from behind and I lose that moment... I turn and glare at that man in anger... he just cost me an instance in time when I was with her... I walk towards the counter to collect the ticket... I call Mihir and ask him to come to the airport quickly... I am collecting the ticket with a heavy heart... because I know that for the next few weeks I am going to be alone... alone while facing the biggest test of my life... the test of staying away from the most important person in my life... even Mihir wont be there to support me... I take the ticket and walk towards the departure entrance when suddenly I feel a tug... I am forced to turn... and then everything stands still... I see her... standing in front of me... another stolen moment created by my imagination... I try to take in everything about this moment when I feel the first whack on my shoulder...

She is really here... and she is hitting me... going on and on in her madrasi language... but that is OK... I deserve it... and right now I am all for it... because right now I get to steal one more real memory that I can store for the future... wait... did I just hear it right... She loves me???? Did she just say she loves me??? and wait... who is going where... I am just waiting to see off Mihir...give him his ticket... did she just think that I would leave her alone to face Shagun and her rakshason ki sena... OK... I do plan to leave but not before I sort out her life... this lady is crazy... I would never leave her now... I messed her life... and by God I am going to fix it... this lady is crazy... I send divorce papers to her and she says I love you!... she is an enigma... she amazes me... she confuses me... She Baffles Me!!!

That's it for now... Enjoy and let me know if you like it... definitely let me know if you think i can do better... Enjoy!!!