8 Ways to Get a Relationship Back on Track

In this column, we address how a significant other can help their partner overcome negative experiences and behaviors and pave the way for more positive present and future sexual encounters. Of course, it's helpful to have open discussions about problems, but if your partner is in denial about certain behaviors, the following tips may help you work towards improving your relationship. Hint: Communication and compassion are keys. (Learn more about how a man's time perspective can positively"or negatively"affect intimate relationships.)

The Past Negative Lover

Past Negative partners hold themselves back in some way due to any number of reasons"past abuse, neglect, or betrayal; religious upbringing; poor parental role models; narcissistic parents; divorced parents, the list goes on. If your partner is stuck in the past, they may be incapable of feeling pleasure or enjoyment from sex or any intimate relationships. They may keep you at a distance"emotionally, physically, or spiritually. You may remind them of either of someone good that they miss, or some loser they don't, from their earlier life. Here's how to help:

• Problem: Your partner may feel they do not deserve to be loved.
• Solution: When the time feels right, sincerely tell your partner that you love them; expound on their loveable aspects. Make this a subtle but daily practice: "What I really like about you is the way you listen so openly and non-judgmentally."

• Problem: Your partner may think something bad will happen if they feel pleasure or "let go." They may feel uncomfortable sharing intimate thoughts and feelings with you.
• Solution: This situation requires trust, and building it takes time. Assure your partner that you are trustworthy through word and deed. Do not judge them; use compassion and patience. Make clear that you understand it will take some time for the two of you to be able to openly share stuff that has been private and hidden, but that the wait is worth it.

• Problem: In order to be intimate, your partner may have to be under the influence of drugs or alcohol.
• Solution: There is a good chance one of the other problems listed in the first paragraph are at play here. As mentioned earlier, this may stem from a deep seeded personal problem and time will tell. If you feel the relationship is worth working towards or saving, have a heartfelt conversation with your partner and urge them to seek outside help. Also make clear that such self-meditation never solves any problem, it only suppresses it and creates its own new problems. Otherwise it may be best to move on.