Chapter 5 - A Storm and A Rainbow.
"Once the storm is over you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm's all about."
Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore
The silence that stretches between them after his declaration is profound.
It stretches between them as they allow the words to sink in, to process everything that happened between them in the last few days and its repercussions. They realize while the worst may be behind them but there is still lot of pain that lingers, some wounds that still need healing.
"I wish I could take back those words." She murmurs having recovered first.
"I wish I could turn back time; change it all, never allow things to fester so much as well."
"When I said those things... I guess I... maybe... I wanted to just ... hurt you."
"Why?" He says the word with only curiosity dripping from it, no malice, anger or judgment in his voice.
"I wanted answers Raman." She murmurs softly.
She looks away, anywhere but at him... as it occurs to her, maybe all those words were said because she was hurt...but she wanted to hurt him as well, to punish him for putting her through what he did.
Her silence was reserved for the man he was being when he lied to her, deceived her she had nothing to say to a stranger... but her words they were meant for her husband. When he claimed her as his wife for the entire world to hear outside the court not once but twice - once as he roared the words in a fit of anger after he had beaten Parmeet and the next time when he came to her defense when Shagun accused her of stealing the picture that could prove her innocent. Once he laid stake to their relationship, claimed his place in her life... she could not hold back any longer ... thinking she has an equal importance in his. Hence, he ought to know, realize he cannot claim any rights if he shuns his responsibilities.
She is not proud of it, not now, but at the time she was not thinking much - all she could do was feel -the betrayal, the anger and mostly the anguish. She could take him deserting her, could cope with his deceit... after Subbu she has learned to deal with these things all on her own quietly after all; but when he chose to doubt her, thought she might have resorted to stealing evidence, sunk to such lows her self-respect couldn't take that. He had to realize... there was a limit to which she would put up with him; staying despite his betrayal became her choice because she saw the love and support she garnered unflinchingly from this family that was hers too now, for Ruhi ... but her self-respect wouldn't allow her to take such an accusation lightly or brush it aside.
He sees how she is tormenting herself over this and touches her hand with his, as she looks at him in the eye; she sees there is no resentment for her, if at all she sees understanding reflecting and she doesn't know how to deal with that.
"Weren't you just trying to assure me I am a good father who just got lost?"
"What has that got to do with this?"
"You are human too Ishita, allowed to lose your cool and feel hurt too, stop being so judgmental. I said what I did not to hurt you or embarrass you but because we were being honest here. You were lashing out on me and I deserved it, I know that. What I put you through by lying to you; hiding things from you... you were bound to do that at some point. I did not expect you to be a self-sacrificing lamb and never retaliate. I know enough of you to expect that Jhansi Ki Rani. So stop being so hard on yourself, its life and you know what - shit happens."
She clucks her tongue to admonish him.
"Language Raman, Ruhi could hear you." She scolds him.
With a smile he replies,
"See this is what I was talking about, you have to react, especially when I am the one who is concerned and making a mess or a mistake. I would be worried if you would not do that - it would make me think you are sick or something. Thankfully this habit of yours would be finally useful to me now."
Puzzled and somewhat amused she looks at him for a reply,
"When Adi comes to stay with us, he would have no idea what hit him... all these lectures, all of your talks... if he doesn't reform his ways just to not hear a new one from you each and every single day I don't know what will change him. Maybe nothing will if your boring lectures wont."
"Very funny Raavan Kumar, don't forget these lectures, as you call them knocked some sense into you."
With the most sincere tone he replies,
"I know... that's why I am counting on you Ishita, if anyone can help me bring my Adi around it's you... don't let me make a mistake if you see me do another one for either of my kids, they need a mother who would even go against their father if needed. God knows Shagun and I have messed up a lot as it is."
"Raman, like I said stop being hard on yourself... when it comes to Ruhi, I know you went wrong a lot but you are coming around, have already a lot... and as far as Adi goes, we would help him, don't lose heart."
"How can I not lose heart Ishita? Everything now depends on your lectures... what has the world come to?"
He smiles on and she has to look away at that, shaking her head but there is no mistaking the change in her face; she has a small smile she is trying to hide.
He continues in a somber tone to say the words that remain unsaid,
"Can I tell you something? Something I couldn't in all this time."
She nods to reply to him in an affirmative.
"You know why I reported Adi ...I mean I wanted to save him all that time, then what happened right? But I dint say something that scared me Ishita... something that literally scared me."
"What is it Raman?"
"After I went to his school... I had to come clean to you and thankfully, you supported me, which I always felt, somehow knew you would... Ishita I had realized the most horrible thing."
"What?"
"It just hit me ... my son almost killed someone and ... got away with it." He whispers the last words in a tone that conveys his shock.
"Raman..."
She cannot say anything other than his name... to realize what he must have been through, she had been shocked out of her wits seeing Adi drive herself, but to imagine your child could commit an error so grave, no parent deserves that.
"I should have been happy Ishita, overjoyed my son was safe when things worked the way I wanted them too but I wasn't. The case against Shagun closed, Adi remained unsuspected, and it all went away. However, Adi was gloating Ishita... he was actually gloating he was saved and planning to celebrate with a party and invited me for it too. In that moment it sunk in what Adi could have done, what I did on learning that, it served as a wakeup call for me. The father in me who was swayed because his son gave him a flicker of a hope... who thought by doing this, saving Adi and Shagun I could win him back somehow just realized... I wasn't winning him back; rather I was damaging him, paving a way for his destruction, making him think he can get away with murder tomorrow so long as I see his tears."
Her heart breaks for this man all over again, she thinks perhaps caught up as he was, if it had been her in his place, she might have done the same thing.
She places a reassuring hand on his shoulder to snap him out of his reverie,
"I could not think of another way. As I said, I realized how wrong I was because I could finally process what Adi did and most importantly the worst part of it, that he did not even realize what a huge thing he did. We saw him the day I learned the truth, tell me could you see a frightened child when he was with you all that time buying his uniforms. Was there even an iota of guilt, remorse, regret anything you felt emanating from him?
On the day of our picnic, he was so normal with me Ishita, as a son is supposed to be with his father... and I... I was just so happy having those moments with him it did not strike me then at that point but after Adi said I would always save him, it dawned upon me, my son was cool as a cucumber even when he almost killed someone. How can an 11-year-old child be so calm and casual after such a traumatic experience? How could it not scare him, the experience? I realized, Shagun and I were to blame for that. She assured him he did not make a mistake and I... I just reinforced that belief of his when I blindly chose to ignore the gravity of his mistake, save him on the contrary just because he cried. In his school that day, him saying those words - they scared me Ishita, I was making a monster out of my child, and didn't even know it, not until I was in way too deep ."
"Don't say that Raman."
"What am I supposed to say then? Not saying the words does not change the actions Ishita. It could have been anyone, not just Amma there and what if Adi had actually killed someone. What would I have been making him think huh? Go and kill someone son, daddy is there for you. Also it's not as if it dint hurt me, sending Adi to a juvie home, it killed me to do that but I could see no other way, Adi had to realize he committed a crime Ishita, not a mistake. I had to do this as much for myself as for him."
When her brows furrow in confusion he elaborates,
"Shagun... that day when I came clean to you, I called her up to let her know all that happened in the principal' cabin and you know what she said - she said I ought to relax, that I should be thankful she is allowing me a chance to be a part of Adi' life at all. That woman was emotionally blackmailing me all these days, taking advantage of the love I have for my son against me and I let her... it finally made sense to me, why was I feeling so guilty all the time lying to all of you, hiding things... because I knew I was wrong but allowed myself to be manipulated anyways."
Disbelief colors her face,
"Shagun said that to you?"
He nods and replies,
"She said she is throwing a damn pool party for Adi and his friends to cheer him up. What kind of a mother does that Ishita? Who throws a party to celebrate... their son' glorious welcome to the world of crime."
"Unbelievable." She mutters.
"That's Shagun for you."
"I... this... you did right Raman, I just regret one thing about this, the one outcome of this entire mess."
"What?" He asks her curious.
"Adi hates you even more now."
He replies with a sad smile on his face,
"He hated me for years now Ishita, I am used to it. If I have to make a choice and decide whether my son would hate me for assuming I am a monster or for setting him on the right path, I would choose the latter. I would gladly take his hate for the rest of my life, if it means I can save him from himself, from the destructive path we his own parents set him up on. "
She looks at him with so much understanding and adoration; it almost makes him nervous and self-conscious of himself.
"What?" He asks her a little uncomfortable with the way it makes him feel, her looking at him so.
She has a beautiful smile when she replies,
"You..." She whispers the one word quietly.
"What about me?"
"The man who I became friends with, he is back."
With a quirk of his eyebrow, he questions her, wanting an elaboration of that explanation.
"When you got Parmeet punished, were ready to send Romi to jail... it made me realize what made Appa say you are a righteous man when he was trying to convince me to marry you. I had assumed you were blindly supporting Mihir because he is like a brother to you... I saw though Appa was right with these incidents. That is what so confused me, when I saw you were trying to save Shagun, when I thought of her as the culprit. I could not understand what happened to you. Why did you change?"
"We all fall sometimes."
"We do... but what's important is not the fall, but learning how to get up after life knocks you over each time."
"And I have you now... to hold my hand so that I don't fall and even if I do...to help me get back on my feet once again." He says holding her hand.
"That you do."
She assures him with a smile that reflects on his face, a shy, genuine one with dimples that has warmth coursing through her for some reason.
CID
Anupamaa
Iss Pyaar Ko Kya Naam Doon
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