Ishita's life had always been a happy one, at least as the world would view it. Born to a middle class south Indian household, education was always paramount, and this had held her in good stead. Independence was a trait her parents had instilled in her older sister and her since a very young age. They were never told they couldn't do something, and this faith her parents showed in her, had always kept her conscious of being on the right path. But being from a middle class family also brought it with certain traditions and responsibilities that were considered innate. While she was taught to value her independence, and have her own thinking, she was also reminded that the family's respect was always paramount. While she was given the opportunities to work, and build herself a career, there were unsaid truths about when she got married. She didn't need to be told when she entered her marital home, that her husband's family was now her own, and that it was not going to be an easy task managing it all.
Ishita had within her certain maturity, one that came with both age and experience. While she had many things to be grateful for, she remained conscious of the fact that she couldn't be a mother, a part in life she knew she would be perfect for. It wasn't only that she had maternal instincts, or a nurturing personality, or even immense love to share with another, but it was seeing how her parents lit up when they spoke of her sister and her, or the many moments she spent with her nephew, him being excited about the new experiences his parents were taking him through. That this journey of life would be missing that part, troubled her.
It all changed when her daughter entered her life. Ishita was caught unaware, a regular work day, a mid-summer rain, and there was this little girl sitting by herself, in deep thought, getting wet. Whether it was that she was a doctor that made her take the first step, or she felt an instant connect, she would never know. But she remembered walking to this little girl, all of five years, her head bowed down a little, a slight tear in her left eye, a mole above her lips, and a slight twitch letting Ishita know that this little girl wanted to be heard. Reminiscing, she remembers touching her lightly on the shoulder, simply wanting to ask the little girl where her parents were, and if she was alright, when the girl enveloped her in an embrace, and just like that her daughter walked into her life, filling it with gay abandon, with restlessness, with a constant sense of inertia. And it was this dependency, which made her wonder more than anything else.
---
She had loved once, and it was that experience that had made her more aware of her shortcomings. Ishita never shied away from marriage, she knew her parents wanted her to have a family of her own, and it was something she felt obliged to do for them. For her parents to have accepted her choice was a welcome surprise, but what she did not realize then was that everything is not as it seems. It was all rosy and promising through the early years of her relationship. She had someone who was not insecure of her independence, but instead made her thrive in it. Someone who had his own identity, but had immense respect and love for his parents. Successful at her workplace, Ishita realized it was the right time to get married. And it was this decision that her let down, and made her aware of a taunt she would forever have to hear.
With the medical reports that she couldn't ever conceive her own child, came the rude shock that the man she once loved and thought she had a future with, was as shallow as the rest of the world. He took to his parents in believing that if a woman couldn't conceive she was incomplete, and thus impure. Soon she began meeting prospective grooms, all of which were chosen by her mother, who was now becoming restless. It was an exercise that was futile, for either they wanted to have children of their own, something she couldn't provide them, or they were scared of her independent nature, and that she had a mind of her own.
Raman was a nice man and he had his heart in its right place, and now that she was married to him, with the initial sense of awkwardness relieving itself slowly, she realized that he was hurting inside, and this pain he would share with no one. Ishita never thought the man she would end up being married to would be Raman. He was rude, arrogant and did not respect the people around him, everything she was not. Though he was a father, she never saw him play with his kids or be vulnerable to them. But today, she no longer remembered the arrogant, self-centred man she encountered first as her neighbour. She instead saw man who was scared of losing, of showing his vulnerability to misconstrue as weakness, of showing care for her worried he might end up hurting, and she saw a man scarred, trying to rebuild his life.
Today, after three months, she was finding a friend in him, a person she could trust but a person she didn't know would trust her back. She knew Raman had everyone's best interests in mind, and even when they didn't agree with each other's ways, she knew somewhere that they were fighting for the same end. Ruhi was Raman's daughter, with her mother never having her seen her. Growing up with grandparents, Raman had not shared much time with her, and today she could see him trying to make up for lost time. She would never know how she and Raman decided to get married, they say it was Ruhi, but was that the only reason, she had now begun to wonder.
---
Somewhere in the last one year her life had changed, from being a single, opinionated woman, she had a family now, a husband and a child, another set of parents to care for, and with that the conscious debate of protecting her own identity, and not letting it set sail in the new life she was building. Conflicted, she did not know who came first, what the priorities where, and when she knew, she didn't know how they played out. Whether it was a figment of her imagination, or a situation more complicated than she cared to imagine, she was left to figure it out, one step at a time, all alone. With two families now, she felt orphaned. With building a family of her own, she felt burdened. With being herself, she felt repulsive.
It all happened that one night when Raman had gone away on business. She was getting used to him being around, their little quarrels at night, and then putting Ruhi to sleep together. She was missing his presence in their room, when suddenly she felt a man's hands on her waist. Scared, she screamed, and turned behind. She could not overcome the force of the man, he was strong, his hands forming a tight grip. He held her close, whispering into her ears "Ishita, Ishita", she could hear the longing in his voice. He pushed his hands upwards, fondling her, inappropriately. He pushed her to the bed, and she screamed again. She did not know if anyone could hear her, but she could only pray that they did. Somewhere she thought of her daughter, and that gave her strength she did not know she possessed. She pushed him hard, kicked him in the crotch and ran, ran as fast and far as she could.
It was raining, and she could feel the cold sweat mix with the water. She did not know to react, what to think, what to do. That her sister-in-law's husband could be the man to attempt to rape her, was a possibility she did not know existed. She cried, silent tears of fear, of embarrassment, and of anger. Should she call her parents, her husband, she went over the pros and cons list she had begun making in her head. Always the protector, she did not know where to go for protection. She cried helplessly, until she found her strength again.
She had a daughter of her own now, and she knew that if she took this lying down, such perpetrators would only come back stronger and that was a risk she was unwilling to take. She got up, and wiped her tears, and marched back with conviction that she was making the right moves. It was late, and she slept holding Ruhi, it gave her peace and made her believe the world was a good place, a thought she was having trouble believing. She would speak out the next morning she had decided.
Raman decided to come back a day earlier, and when she woke up she saw him at the bedside, smiling at Ruhi. All she wanted to do at that moment was run to him, and cry into his arms and tell him everything that had happened. But this was her husband's family member she was talking about. Would he believe her? Someone he knew for a short while, and someone she was not sure he even liked very much? Ishita knew that Raman respected her as a woman, but did he feel the urge to defend her, believe her, protect her, she wasn't very sure. She decided to speak in front of the whole family, she knew they would believe her.
But when she spoke, and when she told the family what had happened, all she could hear was disbelief, and instead of blaming the rapist that stood in front of her, it was her character being questioned. She was pushed, abused and screamed at. Her voice going unheard. She did not know what to do, and suddenly she was told to leave. Ruhi, she wondered at the moment, and Raman, she looked at, with a hope that he would stop her and tell everyone that she was his wife they were talking about, and if nothing else, he believed her, and he would protect her.
Soon she found herself in her childhood room. She screamed, a voiceless scream that went unheard. She stood there waiting, crying, laughing, exasperated, wondering what to do next. All she loved was going away, and all she knew was ending up being a facade. Was this going to be her story, or was she supposed to write a new one, she continued to wonder. How life had come to this, she would never know. In less than twenty four hours she had her respect sacrificed, her child taken away from her, her husband throwing her out.
---
The next morning, with her parents by her side, and her sister caressing her hair, she knew she had their unparalleled support. But she could also see the disappointment in her father's eyes and the worry in her mothers. She could also see the anger they both had, for the situation and for her husband's family. None of them had ever faced a situation like this, and they did not know what to do. Does one go to the court with this, but then what about her parents respect, she wondered? Does she go back and talk to everyone again, would they understand now? In between all these thoughts, she had Ruhi running towards her, with many questions in her eyes.
Ishita had never been more scared that she was at that moment. Would she lose her new family, her marital home, and her daughter? Should she have kept quite instead? What was the price she was going to be made to pay for this? She wondered how it was always the woman who was shown in bad light. She had read about it in the papers, and seen it in the movies, but who thinks that such things happen in real life. She genuinely believed that her sister-in-laws husband would be taught a lesson, not realizing the lesson would be on her.
She kept Ruhi close to her, and for her sake decided to behave as normally as she could. She got Ruhi dressed and dropped her to school, making arrangements for her to go play with friends in the evening right after. Ishita needed the day to herself, and she knew that with Ruhi around, it would not be possible to hide from Raman and his family for much longer.
As the evening dawned, she suddenly heard a loud scream coming from her marital home. It was Raman's voice, but who was he shouting at she wondered. She could not go there she knew, and so she stood there at the corner of her house, trying to make sense of what was happening. In between all this, she saw Raman looking towards her, their eyes meeting for less than a second, but telling each other a lot more than hours of conversation could. She couldn't stand there any longer, and she quickly moved her eyes away and with that went inside.
Suddenly she heard footsteps coming towards her, but she was too scared to turn around. She tightened her grip of the window railing, afraid of who or what it might be. Her body became tense, muscles contracting. Raman walked toward her, knowing her fear, feeling it all the way toward him. He walked up to her, and made sure to not scare her from the back. He went and stood next to her, not knowing what to say to her. In the silence, she knew why he was here, and he knew that she simply needed his presence to feel safer. He softly whispered, "I'm sorry Ishita", and she teared up. She didn't know what to say. She wanted to scream, she wanted to cry and she wanted to just walk away. Instead she just looked at him, and saw into his eyes, knowing at the moment, that they were together, and together they would make everything okay. Knowing that from that moment on she would never be alone, she would always have him by her side.
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Thanks for reading, and hopefully living the story.
Shruti
Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi 2
Iss Pyaar Ko Kya Naam Doon
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