OS : It Is Easy To Be Brave From A Safe Distance
Be brave ! Be strong ! You can do it. Don't worry we know that you can do it. You have that courage in you that makes you strong.
People always say me to be brave and to be strong. They think its easy but is that so ? Is it really easy ? Is it really easy to cope up with everything that is around you? Well I don't think do that it is !
For everyone it's just the pain of the treatment that they see. They know only about the fact that they have read about and listened from the doctor. But they are not the ones who have to go through it. They think it's not such a big deal. They think that I don't try to cope up with the things. I am not trying to be brave and accept the truth and fight for it. Is it really so ? I say it's not !
These things are there assumptions. They are their thoughts. What they think about. People always say me that whatever happens in a person's life is for their good. God plans everything beforehand. And if God has planned trouble and pain in our life then it is because he believes that we can fight that pain and overcome it. They say to believe in God and he will take away all your pain.
But is it only the pain that kills a person? A person can very well come over the physical pain. The medications and Pain Killers will eventually help with the physical pain. But its not the physical pain that kills a person. Its the emotional pain which kills the person bit by bit.
You can be strong enough to bear the physical pain. But what about your emotions? How can a person have control over his/ her emotions. Emotions are something that the more you hide the more pain you will feel. But if you let your emotions fall down as tears people consider you to be weak. If you let your emotions take over you, they say that you have given up. You dont want to fight back. You dont want to live.
Everyone thinks that by asking repeatedly about my health and how am I doing they can making me feel better. By treating me different from others they are taking special care of me. By checking on me every now and then they are making sure that I dont feel alone.
But it is not soo. By treating me differently they let me know that I am not one of them. They make me realise this every now and then that I am sick and I need to taken care of. I cant do things which the children of my age group can do. They make me feel rejected. I am not a part of the group. It makes me sad. It hurts me to know that now no one considers me a normal person but instead they treat me like a fragile item will which if not handle with care will break.
There was a time when I used to love to go to school, meet my friends and enjoy with them. But now the time has changed. School for me is like a prison where I need to spend certain amount of hours from my day. The school teachers are like the jailers whereas the student my fellow prisoners. But I am a special prisoner over there. The lonely one.
When I walk towards my classroom, everyone on the way stops talking and stare at me. As if I am an artefact in the museum. They would talk in whispers but I knew the talk was about me. It was me who they were pitying on.
Once I had many friends but now I am all alone. My friends feel uncomfortable around me. They dont know what to talk and how to make me comfortable. Their behaviour is awkward now. Instead of talking something they chose the easy way out. They pretended as if I dont exist.
But no one understands. I don't need to be comforted. I don't need to be pitied upon. Just talk to me like you did before. Just have fun with me and act as if nothing happened. I know it is difficult and so I have accepted that I have to live alone.
I sit with my mouth shut in the corner of the room. My eyes continuously fixed on my book. Fresh tears form in my eyes and make their way down to my cheeks but I wipe them before anyone could notice. I hide my face and silently weep, making sure no one notices. I dont want them to pity me more. I want to be a normal person. But I know it will not be soo.
Once my friends used to tell me I look pretty but now they talk about my looks. I know I look horrible. But is it necessary to talk about it? Is it necessary to murmur around, when you know that yes I can hear you! It's like I have become the topic of discussion, the joker around which gives everyone pleasure and something to blabber about.
The time spent at school is not hours but years to me. As every minute passes I feel like running away from there. But I can't do that. I can't run away. Everyone will get one more topic of discussion. They want me to be strong but instead they will believe I am a coward.
As soon as I reach home I make my way towards my room knowing that no one will be around now. I lock my room and move towards the washroom and cry my heart out. I sit there for hours together making sure no one notices me.
The events of the day make me feel miserable. I hate going to school, I hate sitting there all alone but still I have to go. I feel miserable. I want someone to hug me and say everything will be fine but I know I can't cry in front of anyone. I sit there all alone and slowly move out. Washing my face and trying to hide my swollen eyes. I have one last look at myself only to notice how pale I look. My swollen eyes and dull face says it all. I know they are right to talk about me and I need to except it. But alas..my heart would not.
I plaster a fake smile and head downstairs only to find everyone chattering happily. I sit amongst them and they notice me. The topic of discussion again revolves around me. I don't understand why they want to talk about me all the time. Is there nothing else that we all can talk together ? I wonder, yes...there isn't.
Sleep has also become my enemy now. It wouldn't engulf me and me to the land of dreams until and unless I shed some tears and let the pain take over me. Every night I cry myself to sleep thinking about the day's events. Sometimes I wish that I can sleep forever. But every next day I wake up again...only to be alone again.
Everyone says be strong, be brave but once step in my shoes and feel it. You will understand that it is easy to be brave from a safe distance , but when you are the one who is suffering, you will come to know that it isn't so easy to be brave !!
Thanks for reading !!
Cricket
Anupamaa
23