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Autsukya - Sanskrit.
Meaning: yearning, desire, longing... Regret.
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He looked at her and smiled and she smiled back at him. She was holding a little baby boy in her arms. A little life. Mother and child made a lovely picture. The child who will have HIS name. He will be regarded as the father of this child.
Maybe this is the God's way of making upto him for taking away his first child so cruelly.
He walked towards the mother child duo and stood close to them.
Him, the child and the child's mother.
Suraj, the little baby boy and Imli.
A family.
Father, son and a mother.
Should be a picture perfect moment.
Yet... it feels SO wrong.
SO ... amiss.
SO... fallacious.
And then the picture changed.
He saw HER.
Chakor.
He felt a purest ray of sunshine bursting in his heart.
Chakor.
He face broke out into a wide smile.
and she smiled back her beautiful smile.
He took an eager step to reach her. And then saw that she is not smiling at him. His smile faltered. He looked around.
Who is she smiling her beautiful smile at?
And then he saw a man. Someone he doesn't know or recognize. Yet someone who could elicit that smile out of Chakor. The smile that was meant only for Suraj... once upon a time.
And then the man walked towards Chakor. Her smile widened. He reached her and smiled at her.
And she hugged him. Just the way she hugs. With all her being. As if the one she is holding in her arms means the world to her.
and he hugged her back with the same emotion. Same fervour. Same intensity.
NO! He felt his heart screaming at that sight.
NO! NO! NO! Chakor can't hold someone else in her arms. NO one else is allowed to hold her in his arms. Only Suraj can.
and yet... Suraj is here. Standing by the sidelines and someone else is smiling at Chakor, holding her close to his heart and being her world.
NO!
His heart screamed more.
And then the picture changed again.
Chakor was glowing with that divine glow of a motherhood. Her womb bearing the testimony of a little glorious life growing inside her.
And then entered that someone.
He held her hand and his gaze softened seeing her womb. Her own eyes glistened seeing the sheen of love and happiness in that 'someone's' eyes.
He bent down and kissed her womb.
and then straightened up and kissed the mother's forehead. With sheer love and gratitude. For bestowing the honour of being the mother of his child upon him.
NO! Suraj felt his heart break into two.
NO! NO! NO!
His Chakor... being a mother of someone's else child.
NO! This is not pain. This is not agony.
This is soul ripping hurt.
And then the picture changed again.
Chakor holding a little life in her arms. A little baby girl who looked just like her mother. Angelic. Suraj was overwhelmed at that sight.
Chakor and a baby girl who is a tiny replica of his Chakor.
He took a step towards the mother and the little one in almost dream like state.
And then that someone entered the picture.
Someone walked towards the mother and the little angel. Someone lifted the little girl in his strong arms and smiled at the little girl.
Someone kissed that little girl's tiny palm.
And that someone promised that little angel that he would be her first hero. and shall remain one. Will be her guardian angel, her protector, her gladiator. Her father. For this lifetime and next.
Thank you for making him the proudest father of this world by making him her father.
NO!
Suraj felt his heart shatter into million pieces.
HE is not the first hero, the guardian angel, protector, gladiator and above all... Father of Chakor's little baby girl.
Someone else is.
And then that someone walked towards Chakor and gathered her in his arms still holding onto the child.
Father, mother and the little girl.
Someone, Chakor and their child.
Someone then kissed Chakor on her forehead. Chakor closed her eyes in sheer happiness and contentment.
And that someone then promised Chakor - that he shall love, honour, cherish, care and protect her forever.
He shall uphold her dignity and self worth and respect always.
He shall value her over and above everybody and the entire world.
He shall be forever grateful to her for coming in her life and being his life.
For loving him the way she loves. with her entire being. with her heart, soul and life. Like she will raze the hell and invade the heaven and tear the earth into two for him.
He will love her back the same way.
He promise.
He will be her best friend, her lover, her husband, her soulmate for this lifetime and every life time that there is and there will be.
She is his forever.
and he is hers.
Their perfect world.
Chakor smiled a divine smile through her tears of pure happiness and said..
'I promise you the same'.
And Suraj shattered into a billion and one pieces.
and woke up with a start.
He looked around feeling disoriented.
Dream! this has been a dream.
Yet it felt so real.
Someday it will be a reality.
And this truth gave him a sucker punch in his guts.
Someone, Chakor and their picture perfect family... will probably be a reality someday. and HE; Suraj Rajvanshi will be standing in the sidelines and watch that reality unfolding right in front of his eyes.
will watch someone else smiling at and holding Chakor. Chakor smiling back and holding that someone in her arms and life.
Someone else being the father of Chakor little girl.
Someone else being the first and forever hero of that angel.
Someone else being the best friend, lover, husband and soulmate of Chakor.
For this lifetime and next. and next.
And Chakor being life and world of someone else. and loving that someone the way ONLY Chakor is capable of loving.
With all that she has got.
and more.
NO!
He closed his eyes shut and covered his ears to stop the screams of his soul deafening him.
NO! NO! NO!
This can't happen.
He won't let it.
Yet he did.
He let it happen.
He couldn't love, honour, cherish, care and value her above all. He chose someone else over her. He convinced himself that he is doing it for her. Yet he had to repeat that 'truth' over and over again to convince himself.
as if.. if you repeat something over and over again... it will turn into a reality. or you will accept it as a reality.
He expected her to 'see' the truth in his eyes. Yet he failed to see that her own eyes are blurred with the tears of blood that she is shedding.
To understand his love... Yet he failed to understand the sheer depth of her love for him. and hence her hurt.
To 'sense' his truth.. Yet he couldn't sense that truth that her senses are deafened by the cries of her broken heart and razed spirit.
She kept asking him, begging him, pleading him to tell her the truth. To make things alright. To prove it to her that she and ONLY She matters in his life.
And yet... he did nothing.
He never told her the truth.
He never told her that only SHE matter to him and NO one else.
That HE loves her above and beyond all. and values her above and beyond everything.
all he could see is ... HIM. his truth; his version of truth and himself.
how could he not SEE her?
Her truth; her hurt; her agony; her broken spirit; her love.
He expected her to walk towards him; to stay with him; to love him.
Yet... he pushed her away from him; brought other one and thrust that other one in the equation meant for only two.
how could he not see that if he were to hold someone else's hand he has to let go of Chakor's hand?
morality, ethics and relationships...
and above all love... won't accept this 'sacrifice' of his.
is this really a sacrifice? or his selfishness?
and what has he really sacrificed?
he sacrificed that picture perfect family that he could and should have had with Chakor.
he sacrificed Chakor.
He sacrificed the love... the love that only Chakor could bestow.
For whom?
For Chakor?
Ha! he could laugh at the ridiculousness of his own statement. and laugh and laugh till he cries. and cries. till he could cry no more.
What has he done?
He bent his head and looked at his palms.
They never felt SO... empty.
his heart... SO... heavy.
his soul... SO ... crushed.
his truth.. SO... meaningless.
He covered his face with his palms in utterly defeated gesture.
Then slowly brought his palms again in front of his vision.
Why does his lifeline looks so faded? That's because his lifeline is Chakor and now she is gone.
No! He has let her go.
He lost her.
and for what?
Dear God!
What have I done?
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