~ AbhiMaan OS : GRIEF ~
{ WARNING : Contains birth trauma and the death of an infant. A heads-up of potentially distressing content hence the choice of whether to read or not. }
Walking, bare feet on the golden sands towards the horizon.
Alas it's all an illusion.
Sunsets are an illusion.
But it's nature's most beautiful illusion. Isn't it ? And that means that day and night are linked in a way that they can never exist at the same time. How would it feel, I wonder to be always together yet forever apart?
My eyes shut themselves at this thought. I let it go. It's an art I've mastered now. I can hear the waves crashing, the sand underneath my feet being washed away by the waves. I can feel the birds chirping, the cool breeze hitting my face and I open my eyes to the most beautiful sunset of the year. Someone's surely up painting the sky in its most magnificent shades, I wonder. The water reflects upon the sky just like a mirror. It soothes my soul. I can hear Abhira playing peek - a - boo with little Mahi. She's laughing heartily while the drowning sun adds up to her glory. Something so rare. If only time could pause !
We return to our villa but my gaze is still fixed on the private beach where we stood a few minutes before. It's all dark but deep out there. I tend to get lost again in the dark veil of the night. But I won't let it subside this time.
An hour later we all gather for dinner. The sumptuous meal is served and little Mahi is all fussy today. She refuses to eat from her nanny’s hand and insists Abhira to feed her. It has been ten blissful months of being surrounded by this miracle now! We always have our little bean third wheeling with us. Even for my midnight birthday celebrations, she woke up exactly at 11:58 p.m. and had my birthday cheesecake as her first solid food. Mahira has been our dancing lesson from God because she has taught us so much. We grow with her everyday.
The clock struck twelve now. An impending apprehension seizes my heart.I pen down a little note for Abhira which read :
We both are like parallel lines that never meet. But only parallel lines can run together till infinity So here's to infinity and beyond !
Happy Fifth Anniversary Mahi’s Mumma.
Forever Yours,
Mahi’s Dadda .
Keeping it on her bed side table, I walk up to the cot only to find our little bean fast asleep. I lean over the cot and watch her chest rise and fall with each breath. It reminds me of her scrunch face that ends up with the biggest toothy grin. Our most favorite thing ever ! She gives the biggest toothy grin to everyone in sight. And she is officially crawling like it was her full time job. She's her mothers daughter. The same brown orbs, the same beautiful smile, the same innocence. Everytime I look at her, I see Abhira in her.
A deep pain stings inside me.
From absolute strangers to walking each other home to becoming strangers again, that's how far we have come together. But these strangers still share a roof. She made me rise from outgrown relationships only to outgrow our own. She made me realize that having outbursts is okay, what's not okay is to keep bottling ourselves up only to bottle up her own self. She made peace in my soul and gave me the world only to not exist in my world anymore !
That one night changed EVERYTHING.
The bruises are still afresh. We changed cities but couldn't change our fate.
Every year this wound keeps getting deeper. Now nothing helps. A piece of our soul will forever lament the loss of Our Angel. Her mahogany wooden crib, the 3D ultrasounds, the rainbow crochet rattle, everything still lies in her unpainted nursery. It's been locked for three years now. That section of the house is secluded. None of us ever visits it. Atleast we pretend we don't. I know she visits the unfinished nursery often. Because even I do. The days my heart cannot hold any longer, I go to the nursery to weep my heart out. Will our hearts process this grief in this lifetime? With this heaviness, I slouch towards my bed.
Never face each other
One bed, different covers
We don't care anymore
Two hearts still beating
On with different rhythms
Maybe we should let this go
It’s five in the morning. I wake up to the muffled sounds of tin lids from the kitchen. All sloppy I get up from the bed, straighten my t-shirt and grab a look at the cot. Mahi is fed and is sleeping soundly, the note still lies at the table top untouched. I know we don't acknowledge this day any longer. It's not our wedding anniversary but the birth anniversary of our daughter today. The basket is prepared with white lilies and cranberry plum cake. Abhira is wiping the kitchen counter in her floral green flared maxi dress. I stare at her sight, she looks back at me. Her eyes appear like a deadpan but puffy. She cried this morning, I can tell. I wish I could go up straight to her and embrace her in a bone crushing hug. I want her to cry away the pain in my arms. I want us to cry away our pains together in each other's arms. But instead without a single word, I depart to freshen up. In my white polo and binge chinos, I start the engine of my car. She arrives with the basket, and sits beside in silence.
Are we fading lovers?
We keep wasting colors
Maybe we should let this go
We're falling apart, still we hold together
We've passed the end, so we chase forever
'Cause this is all we know
This feeling's all we know
Every year on our daughter’s birth anniversary we visit her in the graveyard. We sit by her buried casket and offer her lilies.Abhira cuts her cranberry plum cake while talking to her, telling her all about Mahi. I just sit there watching my wife smile in tears.
Three years ago we sat at the same place with the same tears.
“ Tum toh iss duniya mein aakar bhi nayi aayi meri jaan.In my next lifetime, phir se meri beti ban kar aana aur thode zyada waqt ke aana please. Mumma will wait for you.”
Those were Abhira’s last words to our still born daughter. Our Angel came into this world but not alive. Our nine month old baby was born blue with a heart that didn't beat. We held her in our arms tight for hours until we could no longer.
To bury your first born with your own hands is the most tormenting thing a human can ever do !
It breaks you such that nothing ever can fix those pieces. It's the plague of an indescribable pain. It broke us into those pieces which can’t ever be fixed.
We have Mahira today. Our rainbow child. Mahi owns all the pieces of our shattered hearts now. She is the reason we breathe. She is the reason we still exist as Mahi’s parents. Armaan’s Abhira was buried with my Angel that day. I live with Mahi’s mumma now. She’s a woman of few words. She is calm and calculated. Her eyes don't sparkle. She doesn't smile much. I don't recognize her any longer. But I still continue to love her because my heart doesn't know how to not love her. She’s all I have. She is still my HOME . She can change but my love will never.
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Author’s Note- A freshly brewed one shot for you beautiful people. I wanted to explore the emotional vulnerabilities of AA. Hope you guys enjoyed it. I've kept it short purposefully.
Please let me know in the comments below.
Thank you for your time beautiful people 💖
. A child's death shakes up the parents in ways unfathomable. Unfortunately the grief never ends. Beuatifully written
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