Any married people here?

Hi, Any married people out there? Need your advice on something. There’s this person I have met through a matrimonial site. We have met for 4-5 times but still i don’t feel any of slightest care or physical affection from his side. Not even when he is seeing me off, the max he does is a handshake. He has never offered me to sit in his car or drip me and when I questioned this he said the thought didn’t strike me. Though we are almost on the path of finalising things. But this aspect of his nature really bothers me. Rather i told him off once too but we decided to meet again because he is otherwise a nice guy. Checks all criterion like a good & safe family with cultured &  understanding in laws, educated, well settled, talks well with my family and good with kids, listens to my concerns and tries to understand. But i don’t get any feeling with him. When i ask him about his family or work or his dreams he doesn’t say any good or bad things with passion. Just factual conversations like dad ki tabiyat kaisi hai, bhai ke bachon ka school tha which is fine but i want to see what is he passionate about. Our perspective about things also doesn’t match sometimes…. Like i am very outdoorsy and always excited to explore places irrespective of crowded hoga ya nahin, how is the weather etc etc whereas he is always like yr ye crowded hoga, aaj to bahut thand hai, ye safe nahin hai etc etc. He is still wearing a mask (even before the news of unexpected China surge) given there are max 50 cases in Delhi. I get a feeling he is too finicky and  apprehensive of even small things. A very shielded personality. When i tell these things to my parents or even fam they don’t think it’s important and tell me that even in other guys there will be a 100 -ve things and no one is perfect.

I am just confused how much things like being impromptu , a little extra caring, chivalrous and little risky important in a relationship. I feel it’s v important. Because yes having kids is important and having your own family is important but what if you feel bored by the person in the start only? 

I think it is okay.

99% of the times, women don't like when men are too forward in arranged marriages, especially in only a few meetings. Basic assumption is that if he is too friendly then women assume he is a loser, never had a girlfriend, got excited with the first woman he met and so on.

He might not be opening up with you unless he knows things are final or he really can open up with you. Give it some time. At least he talks a little. If he does not talk at all- like at all then you can ask if he is comfortable with this marriage plan or not.

I appreciate if he is maintaining physical boundaries. These days, (wrong type of feminist) women make blunder of almost everything. I feel that every nice guy is maintaining that boundary nowadays to avoid those blunder situations. May be you can try to hug him a little and see if he responds.

My husband does not express much but I learnt reading his body language and reactions. We have been married for two years (known each other for 6 years) and he hasn't even given me a flower yet.  I am wearing mask too because my workplace involves a lot of in-person interactions and travel so can't afford to not wearing it.

How many times you met in-person? If he does not start a conversation, you try asking those questions, if he still does not respond then you can tell him directly that you are not comfortable with his attitude. Try a clear full-final sort of statement, if still no question/remark, then you can see he is not interested. 

Try these things: share a story about women doing something extra ordinary or bold- ask for his opinion- that will tell you about his mentality.

If you are working then share some experience from your job- accomplishment, interaction with manager, colleague, may be an outing with colleagues- see his reaction or opinion

ask him that if you plan to go somewhere after marriage- where would he prefer and why?

Share your report- I can advise accordingly. 

I'm not married yet but I have faced such similar situations when I met few guys in arranged setting.. I mean I couldn't connect with them and was feeling bored within first 3 days of talking but continued to talk for 7-10 days on my parents insistence to give some more time and decide as they were interested in our match. Only talked to them in phone never met directly after first meeting.. I thought I had no compatibility with them and ended things within 10 days of talking after saying yes initially. I couldn't imagine myself getting married to them. Most of those guys were introverts.. I'm a talkative and I  realized introvert guys who talks less or don't have patience to listen my blabbering doesn't suit me at all. My brother who talks very less have no patience to listen to my mom/Sister/Me who are very talkative.. My dad and my brother both talk very less.

I had few other things which I did find turn off/red flags in  few other guys in arranged setting like few were MCPs, few were money minded etc., Based on that I couldn't connect with them. 

I could connect with few guys in arranged setting and i liked them too and both sides fixed dates for engagement  but the next day after fixing dates I started getting anxiety and negative thoughts about whole life after marriage.. To relieve the anxiety I ended up saying no to them. I realized I have commitment phobia.. I'm not sure I will ever get married. 

Regarding Mask, I appreciate him for that.. Everyone should follow covid appropriate behaviour cuz of new variant.. It was opposite for me. One guy didn't want to wear mask even when covid was at peak in second wave I did find him very careless. 

I think I'm not an expert to advice you in your current match. I could only share my personal experience.. You should be the only person who can decide who is right for you or not.. Not even your parents, not even your friends can decide that for you. You are the one going to live with him for about 30 yrs..So listen to your heart not your parents.. 

I didn’t have an arranged marriage so no experience re that. 

But remember you won’t find a perfect man coz nobody is perfect. Some men are a bit slow on showing care & affection and some are scared to do lest people have the wrong idea. 

If everything else checks out, you shouldn’t back away due to the one thing. You can rather start discussing how you like stuff & what kind of behaviour flatters you! 

If he’s smart, he will pick up the clues.

I do think your concerns are important. Though, it sounds like this guy is maybe just shy, or has no clue about how to act around you. Has he dated before? I can understand these things might not cross someone because they never dated. I understand not everyone "dates" and such. I will say that I have been married for almost 2 years now, and my husband really never opened up to me as much as I would have liked while we were in the dating stage compared to being married, and we had various things that never got addressed earlier on in our relationship, or that we never expanded to mend until our marriage. Though, our relationship was fine before, there were still things we were learning about each other, and as time goes on, you and him (even if you never get married to each other) will change to some extent. So, communicating is also key in any relationship. 

You can express your concerns and what you might like from the relationship, and let him know these things and other concerns and try to really have a talk. If some things are a make or break, it's important for him to know because if you enter marriage, those things may never happen. OR, those things will happen and then some, and of course the relationship will be a happy one. But also ask him and get to know from his side as well. It's easier said than done. However, if you are not feeling it, then do not get married. My ex bf and I dated for so long and I really tried but my ex was not a compromising person. A relationship cannot work one way and be one sided. There was so much I felt I was sacrificing, and yet he never did anything! (Also his family was really rude). So, my best advice is to talk and really tell him how you feel. 

I’m not married but here are my two cents. If being spontaneous and being a bit affectionate is important to you in a partner, then I don’t think it’s right to be with someone who doesn’t have those qualities. You’ll always want to just do this or do that and he will always just say no for one reason or another..you’ll always notice his lack of chivalry, etc.

Our parents come from a generation where some believed the only qualities you need in your hubby is someone who is nice and has a good job. All these extra qualities we look for today is nonsense to them 😕

Trust your instincts. They will never let you down. It is perfectly OK to want certain things in your partner that your parents or elders might think frivolous or non essential.

Sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. If you compromise and marry this dude, I guarantee you, you will regret it later. He sounds like a bore and you sound like you have a certain idea of romance. Unless he’s willing to meet you half way, not sure where this is headed.