For My Chikki
Acknowledgements: For Chikki. Hope you don't mind me borrowing your special day! And something more ;)
Notes: All italicized font refers to Raavi's diary (which will be in first person). There will be no thoughts from the characters, so please don't be confused (you will understand as you read the story)! Also, other than Raavi's diary, everything will be written in third person perspective. About 5,000 words for reference on how long it would take to read.
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February 1, 2023
I don't know how to explain it. Everything is still the same. We still wake up every morning tangled in each other's arms. He still gives me a sleepy good morning kiss on the nose before nuzzling my neck and asking for five extra minutes of sleep. Which somehow turns into 30 extra minutes. I still kiss him before he goes off to the store, and by the afternoon, after I finish managing the online business, he and I eat together at the store. While our evenings are spent gossiping with the family and then talking with each other before falling asleep in each other's arms. Every day is the same. Yet, everything is different.
"What are you doing?"
Before she could lift her head and greet him, he placed his fingers underneath her chin, gently tickling her unintentionally. Pushing her face up, she smiled at her husband. Her husband. And he smiled back at her before swooping down to steal a kiss.
"Why do you have to look so pretty?" he murmured. He held her hands and gently pulled her up from the bed. Holding her hips, he leaned forward and kissed her still flat belly, "Why do you have to make your mother look even more beautiful than she already is."
Now that I'm pregnant, it's almost as if we've fallen in love all over again. I see a different side of my Shiva each day. Before, it was all about me. All his sporadic little love confessions throughout the day were for me. All those little pranks he plays on me were his methods of grabbing my attention. Even with food, no matter how much he disliked spicy food, he gradually ate foods that were more and more spicy, one time even eating a whole chili, just so I wouldn't have to eat my favorite spicy dish alone. And now, I see a softer and excited Shiva. Someone who massages my temples whenever I have morning sickness. Someone presses his ear against my stomach, hoping to hear something (even though it's futile since I'm only 2 months in!). Someone who started watching cartoons just to gain an appreciation of how a child's mind works (I don't tell him that he's the biggest child I know). I thought I would be excited to see and hold my baby, but more than anything, I'm excited to see Shiva become a father.
He rested his head on her lap and glanced up at her, "You still haven't told me what you were doing," he frowned as she casually ran her fingers through his hair.
Raavi hummed as she thought back to his excitement the previous day. The entire family cleaned the house, and Dhara had found a box of Sitara's old clothes. Shiva held a few of the clothes and turned to Raavi in pure wonderment, asking her if their baby was going to be just as small, and it caused her to think about so many different questions.
"I was thinking about how we should parent," it was a question that mainly crossed her mind now. Shiva stared up at her with a raised brow. She leaned her back onto the headboard, "Well... I was reading a few parenting books," after hearing the news, Dhara had given Raavi a few of the old parenting books she used, "and I thought it would be best to establish who would be the bad parent and who would be the good parent."
Shiva quickly grinned as he sat up, "That's easy, I'll be the bad parent and you can be the good parent!" he patted her shoulder sympathetically, "You couldn't be mean even if your life depended on it, Maami Ki Behen Ki Beti."
When Shiva told me he wanted to be the 'bad' parent, I wanted to laugh immediately. But you know, I needed to maintain some decorum... Him... bad? Who was he even kidding? This is the same man who brought me pads and grinned with excitement when he found out that I was two days late. He's the one who rushed outside to buy a pregnancy test, and he's the one who picked me up and swirled me around even before I told him the result... and now he wants to be the 'bad' parent?
"Oh?" Raavi raised her brow. "And what do you think you'll do as the bad parent?"
"Well, you can spoil our daughter rotten," since buying the pregnancy test, Shiva was more than sure he was going to have a little daughter. Or, at least he hoped for a little daughter who was as cute and lovable as Raavi. "By giving her chocolates, pretty dresses, makeup," he listed all the things he knew all the women in the house liked. Shiva shrugged, "And I'll do my best to steal those chocolates and bring her back to reality." He nodded his head, "Cute things won't affect me," he leaned forward and pinched Raavi's cheek, "But they do affect you!"
Cute things don't affect him? Lies, lies, all lies!! Who's the one who falls for my pouts? Who's the one who can't stop staring whenever I dress up? Who's the one who purposely changed clothes just to compliment me? No doubt, if we had a daughter, you would be wrapped around her finger. Forget stealing chocolates, you would be the one secretly feeding her unhealthily things!
"Since we figured that out, let's go to sleep," he pulled her down and immediately drew her into a hug. With a soft smile, he brushed his nose against Raavi's in an Eskimo kiss, "Love you, Raavi," he murmured. He glanced down and gently rubbed her stomach, "You too, meri choti baccha." He glanced up at Raavi with a slight glare, "Don't wake up so early alright? Just because the sun's up doesn't mean we have to be up!" He nuzzled into her neck with a pout, "Always being a chipkali, keeping me up for no reason!"
Meri choti baccha, your father is many things. He's as angry as a volcano. He's as sweet as candy floss. He's as unpredictable as an earthquake. I can't guarantee how mean he will be in the future. But I can guarantee you that he will be the best father you can have in this entire world! I can't wait to see you... because that means I can fall in love with your father all over again.
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September 9th, 2023
Just a few more days until I will see you and hold you in my arms my cute, little baccha! Pregnancy has been a journey for sure, and Dhara Di says the last few days are always a little more tough! I don't mind. It's been fun. Especially since I've been spending more and more time with Shiva than ever before. He normally never takes time off, it's always me who has to visit the store during the late hours. But, for the first time, he's been leaving early just so he can take me to different places. From the beach to different shopping malls to buy clothes (all girl clothes because he is convinced the baby will be a girl) and trinkets. We have everything ready at home, from diapers to formula to little toys. All we are waiting for is our special one to arrive! But, as Krish pointed out, there was one little thing we didn't have ready.
"Anaconda?" Raavi's eyes widened as she rubbed her belly. She felt gentle kicks and she just knew the baby didn't approve of the name either. "I thought you were joking back then!" After Dhara announced her pregnancy, Shiva and Raavi laughed over the names that were suggested during the Kanwar Yatra. It was even a recurring joke between them whenever they thought about what name they should name their baby.
Shiva glanced up from the tiny piece of paper with a frown, "Joking?" he glanced down as his lips pressed together. "Okay, maybe back then, it sounded a little dumb... but now, I've given more thought to it! Anaconda is a perfect name." He glanced back up at her with a grin, "Just think. There will be many Anjalis and Simrans in class, but there will only be one," he spread his arms out, "Anaconda! The name itself causes fear. No one would even bother to mess with her."
I know, I know, baby. It's an awful name. As much as I love Shiva, I also very much hate him for being a complete tubelight. Anaconda Pandya was exactly the type of name that would cause widespread school bullying. I don't care what happens, even if Shiva succeeds (which he won't), I'll do my best to legally change your name into something more appropriate.
"I don't like the name," Krish wrinkled his nose as Raavi brightened. She sat up a little straighter, curious to know what Krish thought. "It's too weak. I think Bald Eagle Anaconda Killer Shark is a much better name. We have animal representation from the air, earth, and water!" his eyes were glowing with happiness as Raavi felt her chest grow tight. "And, we can call her BEAKS for short," he frowned, "Or maybe Baldie? I mean she'll be born bald, right?"
I thought having everyone come up with their own baby names and picking a name from the matka would be the best way to go. Back when Dhara-Di was pregnant, we did something similar. We just spent an entire night talking about different baby names until Dhara-Di liked the name I suggested most. I could've sworn everyone came up with nice names! I didn't even think I had to worry... but what is this? Beaks? Or Baldie? I'm not naming my child that!
Dev shook his head as he gave both of his brothers a disappointing look, "Names should be meaningful. "
Raavi couldn't help but nod. The names they thought up of before Tara was born were all wonderful. And she honestly wished she had written down some of the names Shiva mentioned.
"But I agree with Shiva," he turned to Shiva and nodded his head. "It should be unique," glancing down at his paper with a smile, he suggested, "So, I was thinking of Sharmishtha, Lopamudra, Chirtrangada." Raavi quickly turned to Rishita for help, and Rishita reassured her as best she could by squeezing Raavi's shoulder.
"Ugh, Dev," she rolled her eyes. "Those names sound so old. We live in the 21st Century! We need to come up with some new and fashionable." Although Raavi did not prefer entirely new and modern names, she knew whatever Rishita was suggesting would be a thousand times better than whatever the brothers were suggesting.
Rishita pulled her chair a little closer, "Honestly, I'm so tired of all these Indian names. We've been hearing them for so long. We need international names. Something glitzy and glamorous," she glanced down at the small strips of papers, "So, I was inspired by American celebrities and thought Pink, because you know, she's a girl as Shiva is so convinced, or Banana, because," she glared at Shiva, "her father is a bandhar," Shiva rolled his eyes in annoyance, "would be perfect names."
My absolute last hope was entirely finished. This family was doing everything it could to ruin my child's future! Even if you hadn't kicked, I would not have used any of their names!
"Those are all interesting names," Gaumbi smiled as he played with his little daughter in his lap. He turned to the small strips of paper that Dhara was using, "We decided to be more practical."
Although she didn't know what to expect anymore, she was a little curious to know what Dhara and Gaumbi came up with combined.
"We decided to come up names of items you could find in the kitchen—,"
"Actually," Raavi stood up and dumped all the tiny little papers into the matka. She only contributed three unique names while Shiva, Krish, Dev, and Rishita stuffed the matka with their strange names as best they could. "Why don't we just pick?" Raavi nervously picked up the small matka as Shiva rushed to her side. "W-who wants to pick?"
I was never more nervous than at that moment. The biggest mistake I made that night was telling everyone I would name my baccha based on whatever slip of paper was chosen. And the rate that everything was going, I would be on the losing end! I might be forced to name my baccha something strange like Beaks or Rocket Ship...
"Why don't we have Tara pick?" Shiva's eyes glowed with warmth as he turned to the little girl who was busy pushing her mother's phone screen. "What do you say, Tara?" he ruffled her hair and grinned when Tara looked up at him excitedly. She raised her arms up as he leaned down and swooped Tara into his embrace, showering her with as many kisses as he could.
Raavi's lips curled upwards as she heard Tara's giggles. It wasn't the first time she'd seen him as a sweet chachu. Glancing down, she rubbed her belly. Considering how she was nearly term, she became even more excited whenever Shiva held or played with Tara. Because for her, it was a brief glimpse into their own future.
Tara reached into the matka as Raavi closed her eyes.
The moment Tara reached into the matka... I think I had a strange sense of hope. Especially since the moment before that, Shiva looked my way and smiled. He smiled at me. It was one of those warm, encompassing smiles that somehow sucked away all the worries in the world. Nothing in the world mattered at that point. I trusted my husband... and I trusted my family.
"Raavi?" Shiva shook Raavi's shoulders gently as she opened her eyes. He smiled and opened the strip of paper.
Janhvi. Janhvi Pandya was going to be my daughter's name.
I thought by a stroke of luck, I had won. Especially since I saw everyone writing down those awful names. But, later that night, when I went back to the matka, I realized that there were two things written down on each strip of paper. On one side were the awful names everyone came up with, and on the other side was Janhvi. And it was that way on every single piece of paper.
"Did you really think I was going to name our daughter Bald Eagle Anaconda Killer Shark?" Shiva murmured as he massaged her feet. Raavi frowned and looked away, not wanting Shiva's probing eyes on her, lest he find out that yes she was entirely convinced he would do such a thing. Shiva put a little bit more force on Raavi's leg, and Raavi turned to him with a glare. "I would never," he muttered, slightly hurt.
He kept his head down as the room became silent. Not liking the silence, Raavi swallowed, "S-so then Janhvi?"
His shoulders remained slumped and Raavi couldn't help but berate herself. She truly didn't mean it. Honestly, he seemed so excited as he was listing out all the possibilities.
"I'll tell you if you promise not to laugh," he murmured softly.
Raavi smiled and moved towards Shiva. Sometimes she acted like a child, and sometimes he acted like a child. Though she would never admit, she liked it whenever he tried to act cute. Perhaps a little too much.
Leaning over to ruffle Shiva's hair, she reassured him that she wouldn't laugh. He nodded his head and held onto her hand, keeping their fingers interlocked.
"A couple of months ago, I had a dream...,"
I didn't know what to say. His dream was so simple. So pure... So Shiva.
"Both of us were working in the shop. You were helping me check the inventory, and I was loading the shelves. All while this was happening, a little girl was running about, doing whatever it was that she could to help us out. She called you Ma, and she called me Papa....," he squeezed her hand gently as he frowned, "All throughout the dream, I tried to understand who that girl was. Why was it that whenever I saw her, held her, or spoke to her, I had immense love for her?" He turned to her and held her gaze, "Right before I woke up, I heard her say, 'I love you, Papa,' and I replied, 'I love you, too, Ja...,' and I couldn't hear the rest of her name," he stayed silent for a moment. "The next day, we both found out together that you were pregnant... and... I guess I just knew we would have a daughter. That dream seemed so right!"
I was surprised he didn't tell me about his dreams before. But I'm glad he did right now. All before this, we would usually talk about the store, about family, or the things I like. Even if he shared things, it would be a sentence or two. But tonight, he didn't stop. He talked about his childhood, and how he and his family suffered immediately after his father's death. The years afterward were no better... the family struggling even more after Dhara-Di entered the family, and it was then he knew that he wanted a small family. Since he wasn't able to predict how the future would be, he didn't want to risk having a large family while facing financial burdens as he wanted to give our child everything he could.
"And then I...," Shiva trailed off becoming suddenly unsure of himself. Raavi placed her hand on his shoulder. Placing his hand over hers, he swallowed as his voice lowered, "Promise not to feel mad?" his eyes seemed fully regretful.
She brushed his hair to the side and kissed his forehead, "Promise."
"Well... Imight'veaccidentallyseenyourdiaryandImight'veaccidentallyfalleninlovewiththenameJanhvi... because you know... you had that as a top contender," he brushed the back of his head sheepishly and Raavi couldn't help but laugh.
"So, you liked Janhvi, too?" Raavi grinned as he nodded his head. She wanted to tell Shiva the list of potential names she'd thought up. However, time had not allowed her to. "That's great!" she felt a gentle kick from her baby, "And Janhvi seems to agree that it is a great name, too!"
After his father's death, he felt lost. Gaumbi was a pillar of support for him; however, he still missed his father's warmth. Which is why his biggest wish is making sure our child, our Janhvi, was always surrounded by love. He mentioned he was willing to play with dolls, have Janhvi braid his hair, put nail polish on his fingers, gossip with his daughter. Even if something were to happen to him... which I know won't because I am here to protect him!... he wants our daughter to have as many memories as she can of their moments together.
"If you already liked Janhvi... why did we have to pick from a matka?" Raavi frowned as she pushed Shiva away.
Shiva smirked, "Because I like seeing you panic," he began to laugh as Raavi swatted him. "Ey Maami Ki Behen Ki Beti," he grabbed onto her arms and pulled her close. He leaned down to brush his nose against hers, "What's wrong with me being selfish and annoying? Let me have you all to myself before Janhvi steals you away."
I thought that was the end of that discussion. But before we fell asleep, he pulled me close and whispered, "No matter how much time I spend with Janhvi, my day will always begin and end with you, Raavi. And I wouldn't want it any other way. I love you, mera chipkali."
And I love you, too, mera bandhar. I love you so, so much!
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October 1, 2023
Janhvi Pandya was born. She was born after almost 17 hours of labor, and in each moment, Shiva was there by my side. Massaging my back, whispering words of encouragement. Telling me about the things we would do once we left the hospital. And it was just enough to pull me through. At exactly 12:54 p.m., weighing 2.88 kg. with a length of 52 cm, I heard my daughter for the first time.... this was it. This was the moment. I'm no longer just Raavi Pandya, wife of Shiva Pandya. I'm Raavi Pandya, mother to Janhvi Pandya.
"I don't want to hold her," Raavi squeaked when the nurse walked over to her with Janhvi. The nurse's eyes widened with disbelief and Raavi shook her head, "N-not yet...," turning to Shiva, she grabbed onto his hand and placed it gently over her cheek. He'd been up the entire night for her... and she could tell just how sleepy he was. "Can you hold her first?"
I knew that if I held my daughter, I would probably start crying. Ever since I saw Shiva's excitement, I really, really wanted to see what he would do when he held our baby for the first time. I just wanted to see him and only him! And tears might ruin the entire experience!
Shiva blinked as Raavi reached for his hand, "Please, please, please! I want to see you hold Janhvi first so I can take a picture!" When Shiva didn't budge, Raavi's lower lip jutted out into a pout.
With a sigh, he took a step closer to her, "But I wanted to see you hold Janhvi first."
"Well I want you to hold Janhvi, first!" Raavi held her ground.
I don't even remember the last fight we had. Ever since our near separation, we have been good at compromise and trying to understand each other. Even now, as we caused the poor nurse to become frazzled with worry, we understood what the other wanted.
"So, you want to me to hold Janhvi, and I want you to hold Janhvi," Shiva murmured. He traced small circles on her hand before looking up at her, "What if we both hold her at the same time."
"W-what?"
Shiva smirked as he climbed on the bed. He did his best to go behind her, and placed his hands underneath hers, "This way we can both hold her."
"But I wanted to see your reaction!" Raavi pouted, feeling warm knowing Shiva was hugging her.
Rolling his eyes, Shiva pulled out his phone and muttered, "You haven't learned anything from Maami, have you?" Typing in his password, he placed the phone on the table next to him and turned to the nurse, "Could you film the moment?"
I'm so happy he suggested that. Especially since I replayed the moment hundreds of times as Shiva fell asleep on my shoulder.
"Be careful, chipkali," he murmured as the nurse placed the baby into Raavi and Shiva's arms. "We need to create a good first impression. Can't have her be dissatisfied, can we?"
"Don't you think it's too late for that?" Raavi murmured as she felt the weight of her small baby for the first time. Her throat became tight as she leaned back into Shiva's embrace. Swallowing, her vision became blurry, "S-she's stuck with us for life," she sniffed as she tried to hold in her tears.
All while holding Janhvi, I couldn't think of anything else. I couldn't see anything else. She was there. Two little arms, two little legs, eyes that opened up briefly to look up at me. And she was so, so perfect. I don't even know if I could do perfect justice to the emotions I was feeling. I was amazed that she was so healthy and strong despite everything. I was in wonder of how beautiful she seemed. This baby... a perfect combination of me and Shiva spent almost nine months teasing us... and now she was here. Stuck with us.
"You know, I thought I was only getting one baby today," Shiva kissed her temple as Raavi pulled Janhvi flush against her chest. "But I guess I'm getting two babies, crybaby."
Raavi sobbed as Janhvi's little hand brushed against her chest, "Y-you be quiet!"
Shiva brushed his thumb along Janhvi's cheek as Janhvi turned in his direction, "S-She's finally here, isn't she?"
Raavi smiled as she leaned down to kiss Janhvi's nose.
After getting to know Shiva, I didn't think love would be instantaneous. It took months for me to appreciate and fall in love with him. We had our ups and downs, but somehow, like magnets, we would come back together... stronger than before. I can't pinpoint the exact moment I fell for him... but I can pinpoint the exact moment when I fell for Janhvi... is this what a mother's love feels like? Is this what my mother felt for me when she held me for the first time? Did she have the same sense of fierce protectiveness when she took her final breath?
Even Shiva... even though the bhootnath liked me, it took him months to express the love. To be able to hold me, hug me, and kiss me without any sense of embarrassment. Yet, the moment he held Janhvi all by himself, his eyes were lit up with absolute pride and joy. The first thing he did was kiss her on the forehead, and when she opened her eyes, he turned to me with absolute excitement. The same excitement he had when he spun me around the room after I took my pregnancy test. When her little hand grabbed onto his finger, his mouth dropped open with wonder and joy.
I thought I would be prepared for this moment... of becoming a mother... but even after nine months of waiting, I still don't think I'm truly prepared. Janhvi is so small... Even though I love her... I'm also scared I'll hurt her... especially when she flinches or moves away from me. But I know whatever I'm feeling, Shiva feels the same. Every time I'm scared, he squeezes my hand and reassures me that it will all be okay, and every time he is scared, I call out his name and smile at him. We won't ever be prepared... but I'm happy that I have Shiva at my side. Me helping him and him helping me... I think we might just make everything work out!
Notes: I split this story into 2 parts (having yet to write part II), but there is a reason for the title. It wasn't an arbitrary decision. In the next part, you will see Shiva and Raavi as parents, and I hope to get that out by next Sunday!
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