[Liberation!!! is it?]
This is based on the episode where Arnav calls Khushi biggest mistake of his life and walks out.
After 6 hours, around 2 am in the night.
Khushi felt pity for him. He was searching for her like hell. All the family members were tensed and looking for her in every nook and corner of Delhi while she was hidden in this dark and closed room. She saw how Arnav was slowly turning paler every second. She couldnt see him like that. It has been more than 5 hours. She could see how her family was stressed and crying, her Babuji weeping silently completely helpless in his wheelchair. She realised she has done wrong in going away...atleast to her own self. She couldnt bear it any longer. Arnav had not stopped to take a breathe and was still searching for her now on outskirts of Delhi.
She wanted to talk to him one last time before reaching the final destination. She refused to move from there, without talking to him. They both needed it. She stubbornly refused to leave, no matter how many times she was told and a final communication was allowed at last.
"Hello, hum Khushi bol rahe hain"("Hello. It is Khushi this side")
"KHUSHI? KHUSHI? Hello? KHUSHi???"
"Aap humein dhoond rahe hain?"("You are searching for me?")
"Ofcourse dammit!!! Kahan ho tum? Thik ho tum? Phone kyu nahi utha rahin dammit? Main paagal ho raha hun yahan. Kaun jata hai aise bina bataye?"("Ofcourse dammit!!! Where are you Khushi? Are you alright? Why aren't you taking my calls? I m turning mad in worry. Which sane person leaves without informing anyone?")
"Phone silent par tha. Bed par hi chut gaya hai." Just like every other thing, she wanted to say but controlled herself. She ll get nothing by his breakdown, his helplessness, she has realised it now. A little too late, a voice rose within her. ("Phone was on silent mode. I left it on bed")
"Tum ho kahan? Mujhe bina bataye kahan chali gayi ho?"("Where the hell are you? Where have you gone without informing me?")
"Hum chale gaye hain." It was very difficult to not breakdown as the impact of her deeds was dawning upon her.("I have left")
"What the hell is the meaning of this chale gaye hain dammit! Come back now! You have no bloody idea mujhe kitna gussa a raha hai. 6 ghante se tumhe dhoond raha hun. Sab dhoond dhoond kar paagal ho rahe hai. Aise naraazgi mein koi ghar chod kar jaata hai kya? Abhi ke abhi wapas aao. Suna tumne?"("What the hell is the meaning of this I have left dammit! Come back now. You have no bloody idea how angry I am right now. Have been searching you for 6 hours dammit!! Everyone is going mad in worry!! Who leaves their house in anger? Come back this instant. Got it?")
"Hum nahi aa sakte. Humein maaf kar dijiye" ("I cant come back. Forgive me")
"Ye kaunse number se baat kar rahi ho tum? Mujhe batao tum kahan ho? Main aa raha hun tumhe lene. Apni location batao mujhe."("Which is this number you are calling from? Tell me where you are. I am coming to take you back. Tell me your location")
Khushi laughed bitterly. The desperation he was showing now! Whole damned family was showing now! Love n care was all she ever wanted. Couldn't they show it sometime before? She would have not taken that step of leaving everything behind. It was not easy to walk out of everything in this cold dark night but she was foolish enough to do it. Now she had nothing in her hands, not even peace. This stupidity of hers, she didn't know how much they will regret but she was regretting like hell for doing this to herself. She didnt even get a chance to say bye to her family, her Babuji!! She wept.
She was pulled out of her thoughts and indicated to complete the call. She had already tested their patience with her obstinance of not starting the process in normal way, without first talking to her good for nothing husband. And not to mention the emergency duty they got because of her foolishness was so damn irritating! Impulsive fool, she knew they must be calling her.
"Arnavji. Hum chale gaye hain, Humesha k liye!" No matter the grudges she had against him, no matter this step she may fancy that, she took for reducing his pain alongwith hers ;
In the end, she knew, it was not something she should be proud of. It was wrong, a poor decision. She was feeling so shameful to tell him the truth.(Arnavji. I have left, forever! )
No she didn't mean that. No! No! What are you thinking Arnav! You have gone mad in worry. Relax! She is angry so must have left for Lucknow. Yeah just call back home and ask Buaji if she was at that Kirti's house. Yes! she must be there. Its all your pessimism. Nothing else! Nothing else! He tried to steady his slowing heart beats.
"I know Khushi you are at your friend Kirti's house. Dont worry. I know you are angry I m coming there. Dont cry Khushi. Nothing will happen. Wait for me. I m coming."
When she didnt say another word but kept crying, sobbing, he went blank, he could feel that his BP was dropping, goosebumps were raised high in numbness, like his skin wanted to crawl away from his ice-cold body.
"..."
"..."
"Khushi!!! Nahin. plzzzzzz! Its f**king joke right? Bloody hell plz!!!! plllzzz bolo ye sab mazak hai!!" he tried to remove the disgusting illusion one last time.("Khushi!!! Noooo. plzzzzzz! Its f**king joke right? Bloody hell plz!!!! plllzzz say you are joking!!")
"please?"
"please?"
"pleeeeeeaseeee?"
"Hum bas aapko bye bolne chahte they", she answered, whimpering with swelling emotions and sore soul. ("I just wanted to say bye")
"Bathtub mein hain." she answered his unasked question.("In the bathtub")
"Aapne parda hata kar dekha hi nahi, hum to wahin they" This one line meant many things and they both knew it very well. How he had failed to see her for things that she actually was. How he had failed to see the impact of his anger on her heart. How he had failed to see how much she loved him and how less her own-self, foolishly so. ("You didnt push aside the curtain, I was there all along")
Her voice was hoarse, dimming with every word she spoke as if even the voice was leaving her just like her eyes which would no longer be red after weeping so much, just like her throat which would no longer be sore after crying so much, she was now left only with her tormented soul and Nothing else!!!
"Hum chalte hain", she somehow managed before line was snapped. Atleast she said one goodbye.("Goodbye")
No 'I Love You', no 'apna khayal rakhiyega(Take care)'. Nothing!!!
There was nothing left in Khushi except water that was filled in her lungs to brim and by now had filled up each and every cell in her body. She was dead.
She would always regret that impulse which led her to this. Yes, Khushi had committed suicide by drowning herself in bathtub after consuming a full pack of 15 tablets of his medicine after his walkout. While he drove on streets of Delhi to calm himself down, she slowly and slowly sunk to the bottom of bathtub and to the bottom of the world.
He had searched for her in the bathroom but in his frantic angry state that she must have left for Buaji's, forgot to push the curtain separating shower stall from bathtub in the last section of bathroom. The lights on that side were switched off like rest of the bathroom and Khushi anyways never used it. So, his mind must have subconsciously ruled that out.
They were all searching for her outside when she was inside all along.
Suicide! She hated this word immensely after committing it. Arnav may or may not get peace in his life for leading her to this but she will always burn in torment for doing this to herself. Doing this to the happy girl named Khushi. She would have moved on someday from all the pain he inflicted upon her, made a good life for herself had she not been insane enough to give in to her impulses but lived.
She could have had her dream- wedding with a prince charming one day, her cute babies- Aloo Kumar and Poori Kumari, her own jalebi shop. The journey of growing old with her life partner would have been full of bitter sweet experiences but worth it. And even without prince-charming, life was worth it Khushi...Always worth it! Then why did she do this to herself? why the hell did yo do it to yourself? WHY? WHY? WHY?
This path which she thought would end all her pain in seconds was nothing but a false lucrative web. This pain can end all her pain? Jhoot sab jhoot!!!! (All lies!!)
In reality it is an eternal torment she earnestly wished would end somehow. She wanted to undo this. She wants to live again. She was desperate to go back to being Khushi Kumari Gupta. Please DM. Humein maaf kar dijiye. Plzzzzz. Humein wapas jaana hai. Hum jeena chahte hain. Koi sun raha hai? Plzzzz. (Forgive me Devi Maiyya. Plzzz. I want to go back. I want to live. Can anyone hear me? I want to go back. Plzz)
No one heard her pleads, nothing changed. Yamdoots(messengers of death) simply looked on at another fool who had succumbed to the false temptation of resting in peace through this abominable method. Her pleads didnt melt them. They were used to this. Afterall, one fool does it, every 40 second in this world!
Khushi cried and cried for some help to go back to being Khushi Kumari Gupta but no one paid ant attention to her earnest pleas. She gave up in the end. It was futile now. Late! Very late!! Those who die, cannot be revived.
Accepting the consequences of her action, she prepared herself for the next process.
She helplessly watched or made to watch her family's suffering. How her family began performing her last rites, after ambulance brought her body back after postmortem next morning. Weeping faces of Raizadas n her family that she thought will sooth her love deprived soul were all useless. She didnt want all this! She just wanted to go back to being a girl named Khushi. She will fight all her battles and stay happy. Please DM!!!!
She didnt want to witness all this bullshit, they(messengers) were forcing her to watch! She watched as family tried to drape a red saree on her stiff, almost on verge of bursting, swollen body. Her skin was coming out at places. Her beautiful face was swollen beyond recognition, disfigured, patched. All these last rituals of decorating a dead married woman don't matter!! The sandalwood paste on her cheeks that were swollen to the size of melon failed to evoke any pity or burst of tears in her like the ladies who were breaking down every second. The bindi, bangles, toe rings, she didn't want any of these now!
Cant they hear her? She doesn't want to leave!!! God!!! Dont they have any doctor who could bring her back to life?? What will you do of all this money Arnav Singh Raizada? Make me alive dammit!!! I want to live!!!! I want to enjoy the rain with my neighborhood kids, I want to eat Buaji's halwa poori, Jiji's pakore. I want to tease my Jiji-Jijaji, I want to lay down in Babuji's lap, I want Amma to twist my ear for catching cold,I want to help Happyji, I want to dance with Naniji, I want to attend poojas with Di, I want to pass a remark on Mamiji's saree, I want to correct Nanheji's Hindi, I want to pat Laxmiji, I want to awe HPji with my cooking -skills, I want to irritate Laad Governor, I want to do so many things...I want to live. Please...I want to live. Please...
No one heard her and continued dressing her body for its final journey.
She flinched as Arnav was called to fill her partition, they both knew it was for second and last time. Mangalsutra chain fell few cms short on her now hugely swollen wobbly neck full of water. It was once a slim, beautiful neck like a swan's standing out proudly as her attractive feature. The beautiful butterfly that was essence of Khushi was destroyed today. Dead.
Yes, death is the ultimate truth but what do you call this untimely & self inflicted death? Ultimate truth of life? A blessing? A cycle of life and death? Honi ko kaun taal sakta hai?(We cannot change what's destined)
It was injustice to Khushi Kumari Gupta. She did it to herself. Who abetted it, holds no value for her now. She has killed herself was the only truth.
When his second attempt to tie the chain failed, the guilty man did not have guts to tie it forcefully like he had done in the temple. He kept is on her chest resignedly. He kissed her rubbery, slimy almost rotting forehead that had turned into an unpleasant white, for the last time. The last affection.
She looked on as she was reduced to flames on that pyre. Flames died out by evening with only Arnav, sitting beside Khushi - whose mortal remains were now nothing but a weak smoldering fire in the deep dark night.
Khushi helplessly watched him, madly sifting through that hot burning pasty white ash that was remains of her bones mixed with sand. What was he searching in slowly dying out fire, she couldn't understand but his burnt inflamed hands still madly searching into it made her cry helplessly. Arnav kept running his hands into it, trying to find the woman he loved but had never confessed to. She was there, lying on this pile of wood in the morning and now, was nothing just ashes? Where has she gone leaving him behind? He continued searching Khushi in ashes, hoping to find her, find himself.
Khushi couldn't help writhe in his pain and in her own pain which had not gone anywhere. Her body may have left her but the pain was still there. All alive! If her pain has not ended then why did she do this?
What had she reduced herself to? Few grains of ashes that were even not required by the earth. She watched how Akash n NK came to the cremation ground before sunrise and collected whatever remained of her into a red small pouch. She kept watching as her mortal remains finally met the holy river, became a part of it to be dumped into vast oceans with sediments. It would all slowly settle down at the base of sea bed, into nothingness. At the places, where sunlight refused to reach, even bacteria refused to breathe. Dark silences of these depths would only aggravate her pain into Eternal loneliness and regrets. Regrets!
Only regrets...regrets.
What did she get by taking the impulsive decision that night was the only question that will remain with her and it will torment her forever. Where the hell was the heaven that they all promised she will get for being the good soul? Where was the peace? Where the hell was her peace? WHERE??? WHERE IT IS???
yeh duniya hi jannat thi,
yeh duniya hi jannat hai.
sab kuch kho kar aaj yeh hum par
bhed khula hai, seene mein...
(This world on earth was The Heaven, this world is The Heaven
The truth has dawned on my heart today, after I have lost everything...)
****
NOTE
I AM SORRY IF YOU GOT SAD BY READING THIS STORY. I HAVE USED THE CONCEPT OF CRISIS APPARITION HERE. WHERE DEAD PEOPLE MEET YOU JUST AFTER OR BEFORE DEATH. THE PHONE CALL B/W THEM IS PART OF THIS CONCEPT ONLY.
HOW ARNAV'S REPENTANCE HIS DESPERATION, HIS SORRY LIFE AFTER HER DEPARTURE WILL HELP KHUSHI? WILL REGRET OF FAMILY SOOTHE HER SOUL? NO! CLEAR NO!!
I HAD POSTED THIS ON WATTPAD MANY MONTHS AGO IN FEBRUARY 2020 WHEN I GOT A PHONE CALL AROUND 12 TODAY FROM AN EX-COLLEAGUE. A WOMAN( WE HAD BOTH COUNSELLED FOR MORE THAN A YEAR ALONGWITH HER HUSBAND) TRIED TO COMMIT SUICIDE ON SATURDAY. SHE WAS SAVED AFTER A QUICK HOSPITALIZATION. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HAPPENED AS I HAVE LEFT THAT JOB AND THE COUPLES GENERALLY STOP COMING FOR FOLLOW UPS AFTER 6 - 7 MONTHS OF RECONCILIATION. ITS MORE THAN 5 YEAR OLD CASE.
I DONT EVEN WANT TO DISCUSS CAUSES HERE. I HAVE SEEN 100s SUCH CASES WITH ALTOGETHER DIFFERENT REASONS BUT I STILL FAIL TO UNDERSTAND WHAT PEOPLE ACHIEVE BY SUICIDE? WILL N TIMES OF COUNSELLING NOT MATTER TO YOU? WHY WOULD YOU DO IT TO YOUR FAMILY?
LEAVE ALL THAT ASIDE.
WHY THE HELL WOULD ONE DO IT TO THEMSELVES? I KNOW NO ONE UNDERSTANDS YOUR TRAUMA BUT PLEASE JUST FOR ONCE CLOSE YOUR EYES AND THINK WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU AFTER DEATH? I CAN BE 100% SURE, IT DOES NOT END SUFFERING. THERE IS F**KING NO WHITE LIGHT AT THE END OF THIS TUNNEL!!!
NO ONE LOVES ME SO LET ME ALSO DO THE SAME!! NOT ONE PERSON I HAVE MET WHO HAS DONE WAS HAPPY AFTER DOING IT.
IF YOU THINK YOUR LOVED ONES WILL REMEMBER YOU LATER AND CRY IN YOUR MEMORIES, REMINISCING OLD TIMES AND REGRETTING THEIR BEHAVIOR TOWARDS YOU THEN HERE IS THE REALITY CHECK MY DEAR! MOST PEOPLE MOVE ON. THEY WILL LIVE THEIR LIVES RECALLING YOU AT TIMES, SHEDDING A TEAR OR TWO. AND EVEN IF ONE REGRETS WHOLE LIFE WHICH IS A RARE CASE THEN PRAY TELL ME HOW DOES IT BENEFIT YOU?
WHAT ABOUT THE LIFE YOU HAVE CUT SHORT IN THE MIDDLE? WHY THE HELL DID YOU TRY TO TAKE THAT CHANCE AT LIVING FROM YOURSELF? WHO IS ASKING YOU TO BE STRONG? BE WEAK ! BUT DONT TAKE LIFE AWAY FROM YOURSELF. IT MAY SOUND CASUAL BUT IT IS A BLESSING. LIVE YOUR FULL COURSE.
IF SOMEONE IS FORCING YOU ENOUGH THAT YOU THINK THERE IS NO OTHER WAY THEN PLEASE KILL THEM, NOT YOURSELF. IF YOU THINK YOU WONT BE ABLE TO DO THAT THEN TRY ATLEAST! DYING WHILE TRYING TO REMOVE THAT DESPICABLE PERSON FROM FACE OF EARTH WILL BE BETTER THAN COMMITTING THIS COWARDLY ACT.YOUR SOUL WILL REST IN PEACE.
I REQUEST ALL READERS WHO HAVE SUCH TENDENCIES OR IF YOU KNOW SOMEONE WHO IS GOING THROUGH TRAUMA, DEPRESSION TO PLEASE CONSULT A COUNSELLOR, PSYCHOLOGIST. IT NOWHERE MEANS YOU ARE MAD/MENTAL!
GOVT. PROVIDES SO MANY HELPLINE NUMBERS FOR FREE. JUST PUT THE WORD ON GOOGLE AND YOU HAVE 1000s OF FREE HELPLINE NUMBERS THERE. A PERSON WHO WILL ATLEAST LISTEN TO YOUR PROBLEMS.
DONT EVER DO THIS SHITTY THING TO YOURSELF. IT IS NOT THE END OF PAIN.
WE ALL FIGHT NEGLECT BY OTHERS,COMPETITION, COMPARISON AND MANY OTHER PROBLEMS DAY IN AND OUT, AT TIMES CONSCIOUSLY OR UNCONSCIOUSLY - COZ OF OTHERS, COZ OF OURSELVES, IN OUR MINDS - THE CONSTANT LABEL FIGHT OF RIGHT AND WRONG. WE ALL ARE JUDGED BY PEOPLE, BY OUR OWN SELF IF WE ARE SUCCESSFUL OR A FAILURE, INFACT WE DO IT TO OTHERS TOO, YES SUBCONSCIOUSLY WE DO. WE FIGHT IT ALL DAILY.
TRY TO DEFINE THAT SUCCESS AND FAILURE OF YOURS - YOURSELVES, ON BASIS OF YOUR PARAMETERS - YOUR HAPPINESS, PEACE, SATISFACTION, ON BASIS OF LOVE YOU HAVE FOR YOUR OWN SELF (TO LOVE OTHERS YOU NEED TO LOVE YOURSELF FIRST, LOVE YOUR LIFE FIRST) AND NOT LET THE NARRATIVE, STANDARD DEFINITION OF SUCCESS(FAILURE) GET TO YOU. AND IF YOUR FAIL ON THOSE PARAMETERS, REDEFINE THE PARAMETERS, INSTEAD OF GETTING SAD OR MISERABLE.
THOSE WHO LOVE THEMSELVES, THEY STORM DIFFICULTIES, EVEN IF BATTERED AND BRUISED, EVEN IF BEGGARS OR DRIVING A VEGETABLE CART. THESE FITTEST ULTIMATELY SURVIVE AND THRIVE AND LIVE HAPPILY BECAUSE IT IS UNAVOIDABLE BATTLE EVERYWHERE.TODAY YOU FEEL THIS IS THE PROBLEM WITH THE WORLD, SOLVE IT, YES IT I GOOD THING TO DO BUT KNOW THAT TOMORROW THERE 'LL BE ANOTHER PROBLEM READY TO CHALLENGE YOU ONCE AGAIN. YOU HAVE NO OPTION BUT TO SOLVE IT.
COZ PROBLEMS LIKE HAPPINESS ARE EVERYWHERE. THEY ARE PART OF PACKAGE - IN REAL PHYSICAL WORLD, IN SOCIAL MEDIA, IN IMAGE PROJECTION, IN OUR THOUGHTS OF LOG KYA SOCHENGE OF - I DONT HAVE JOB, MY RELATIONSHIP FAILED, PEOPLE THINK I AM MAD, I AM A BURDEN ON MY FAMILY WITH THIS PARALYSIS, I AM DEPRESSED ETC ETC.
THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT. PEOPLE ARE DYING OUT THERE DAILY DUE TO CORONA, DISEASES, ACCIDENTS, BORDER FIGHTS, HUNGER, EARTHQUAKES AND ALSO BY LOSING HOPE TO LIFE...NO ONE KNOWS WHAT LL HAPPEN AFTER DEATH. NO ONE KNOWS IF YOU LL GET YOUR PEACE OR NOT. THERE IS ONLY A HOPE AND A DESPERATE HOPE THAT SOMEHOW PEACE COMES...AND THIS WHAT IF IS NOT WORTH TRYING BY YOUR OWN HAND. SO PLEASE DON'T KILL YOURSELF.
PEOPLE MAY MOURN SOMETHING TODAY, WHAT AFTER THAT? NEXT NEWS...SYMPATHY AND EMPATHY IS GOOD AND MUCH REQUIRED BUT WHAT AFTER THAT? WHAT HAVE YOU LEARNT? DO YOU LOVE YOURSELF MORE? DO YOU LOVE, TRY TO TALK TO YOUR FAMILY, FRIENDS, ACQUAINTANCES MORE? DID IT CHANGE SOMETHING INSIDE YOU? BROUGHT SOME POSITIVITY?
BITTER TRUTH IS WHAT MATTERS IN END IS SURVIVAL, SURVIVAL ON EARTH, FIGHTING ALL THE NEGATIVE FORCES. YOU CAN BE A BEGGAR, SURVIVING ON CRUMBS THROWN BY OTHERS, STILL BE HAPPY. NEVER LOSE THAT HOPE, EVEN WITH ALL THE BREAKDOWNS.
DARWIN'S THEORY OF SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST IS ALL ABOUT BREAKING DOWN, GETTING UP, BREAKING DOWN, GETTING UP BUT FITTING INTO THE CHANGING SPACES, SURVIVING IN THE END.
YOU ARE BORN TO LIVE YOUR FULL COURSE, TO LOVE YOUR LIFE, TO LOVE YOURSELF AND FIND YOUR PEACE HERE ON THIS EARTH, WHERE YOU HAVE MUCH MORE CERTAINTY OF FINDING ONE RATHER THAN SEARCHING FOR IT IN AFTERLIFE WHICH IS UNCERTAIN 100%.
I AM SORRY IF SOMETHING I WROTE HERE HURT YOU, I HAD NO INTENTION TO DISTRESS ANYONE. PLEASE IMMEDIATELY TELL ME IF YOU FIND ANYTHING OFFENSIVE.I WILL REDRESS IT.
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