The forgiveness that I seek- A Lakshman-Urmila fanfiction IF_NC_Entry - Page 2

Chapter 2

Laxman sat in the Puspak Vimana. Ayodhya was fast approaching. He looked at his bhaiyya and bhabi who looked eager and happy to see their family after fourteen long years. But his heart was in deep turmoil. Though at one hand he was excited to see his family but on the other hand his conscience pricked him as he thought about his wife Urmila. How was he supposed to face her. He remembered their last meeting.

" Sumitranandan don't move forward. Stand where you are, pleaded Urmila as she saw her husband dressed in cloths suited for Vanvas.

" Urmila.. Lakshman tried to move forward but Urmila moved backwards stopping him.

" Sumitranandan I have made my heart into stone and have accepted this separation of fourteen years. In the last few hours I had struggled a lot to make my heart agree to the fact that Ram jethji  and Sita didi needs you and this palace needs me. Now if you touch me, my resolve will be broken, I wont be in a position to let you go. So do me a favour. From this moment Urmila is not your responsibility, your duty is towards your brother and bhabi.

Before Lakshman could reply he heard his mother's call and he knew it was time to leave. As Urmila took his aarti he saw in her eyes pride and a pain she was finding difficult to hide.

He had not looked back that day. He knew if he had turned, he wouldn't have been able to move forward. He would have been stopped by Urmila's love. Now sitting in the vimana he thought about his decision. Yes what he did was the duty, but he had a duty towards his wife also. When King Janak gave the hand of his younger daughter in his hand he would have expected he will keep her happy. He will perform all the duties of a husband. While Ram bhaiyya crossed the ocean for Sita bhabi to fulfill the vow of being her husband what has he done as a husband? Except leaving his wife alone in the palace to deal with the problems there. He knew Urmila had accepted his decision wholeheartedly but then was what he did to her fair.

His thoughts were interrupted by the loud noises and he realized they had reached Ayodhya. He looked around and saw the whole city was well lit. Even from distance the lights of palace could be seen. When they stepped out people started garlanding them and paved flowers in their paths. The chants of Jai Shri Ram reverbated in the atmosphere as they proceeded towards palace.

As the grand entrance of the palace loomed in front of him Laxman wanted time to stop. He didn't want to take one step forward. But then there was no option. He had to move forward. He inched forward slowly walking behind Ram bhaiyya and Sita bhabi. 

However once they reached the top step Mata Kausalya ordered them to stand in a line so that their aarti can be taken. First all the three mothers took their aarti and they touched their feet and took blessings.

Once arti was done Bharat and Shatrughna stepped forward and the brothers hugged each other, while Sita hugged her sisters.

The happy party moved inside and Kausalya asked all of them to freshen up and come for dinner. That day a big feast was arranged in the palace especially for them. Ram nodded politely and moved towards his room with Sita.

Urmila looked at her husband. From the time they had stepped in palace her eyes were trying to meet his. But her husband was not looking at her. Now she waited eagerly for him to accompany her. But he saw him requesting one servant that he would prefer to go to his personal room which was at the other end of the palace.

Sumitra stepped forward and asked her son to follow Urmila. But Laxman politely told his mother he wanted some time alone and hence would prefer his personal room. His mother nodded as the servant led him to the other side of the palace.

Sumitra turned to Urmila, " Urmila maybe Laxman feels guilty of leaving you here. You should not worry about it. Just make sure that you make him feel you don't have any bad feelings about his decision. See I have made his favourite dishes for the dinner. When he comes you serve them. Also have a smile on your face. In couple of days everything will be fine.

Urmila smiled at her mother in laws assurance. She knew her mother in law was a wise woman and always handled situations with a smile. To a great extent Urmila had tried to imbibe those qualities in her also. She went to see the dinner preparations. Once in kitchen Urmila forgot everything about the happenings and ran around giving instructions to arrange the dishes for the feast.  Whatever little pain was remaining that too vanished when she heard Sita didi's voice calling out to her.

" My little sister has grown up so much. Handling a feast all alone, let me know what I can do to help you smiled Sita.

"Didi I don't want you to do anything today. For fourteen years you were eating berries and masala less food. But tonight it is royal feast. Have it to your fullest and let me know how the arrangement is. "

Soon Mandavi and Kirti joined them and the sisters engaged themselves in light banter as the servants arranged dishes and they saw the four princes coming.  The mothers asked them to move to dining hall for the feast as along with princes, there would be ministers, guru vashisth and other prominent personalities of Ayodhya were invited.

The sisters nodded and as they walked once again the trio of Sita, Mandavi and Kirti started teasing Urmila on Laxman. 

Edited by shruthiravi - 5 years ago

Chapter 3

The dinner started on a pleasant note with Guru Vashisht announcing the date of crowing of Prince Ram. It had been decided that Ram will be crowned as the king of Ayodhya the coming Monday. Everyone was happy and questioned Ram about his journey to Lanka and victory over Ravan. Ram turned to Hanuman and Hanuman started narrating the story of Ram's journey to Lanka.

Urmila looked around. She could see all were listening attentively to Hanuman narration except her husband. Urmila had started feeling uneasy because her husband didn't look up once when she served him food. It was not at all like him. She remembered his gentle touches on her hands during the early days of their marriage.

For two weeks after the marriage as per Guru Vashisht instructions the couple had to stay apart. At that time Urmila and Kirti had stayed in their mother in law Sumitra's room. They were allowed to meet only in day time and also under the supervision of elders. During that time Laxman had loved to caress her hands stealthily when she served food. Urmila blushed thinking about it and her heart sank as she realized her present reality. She wiped the tears that were about to fall. She didn't want to spoil the occasion. Maybe when her husband comes to their room for night things will be fine. She assured herself.

The dinner proceeded as Hanuman continued the story. When it reached Sita's Agnipareeksha Urmila saw her didi holding her fist tight as if she was again going through that painful moment. Urmila reached out to Sita and gently held her shoulder. When Hanuman finished about Agnipareeksha the whole hall started hailing Sita. But Urmila could see her sister was trying hard to control her tears. Urmila didn't understand what the need for Sita didi to do Agnipareeksha was. Her loyalty to Ram jethji was unwavering. She had gone with him to vanvas still the society wanted proof of her purity. Once again the question she asked to her father from childhood came to her mind. Why proof was always asked from woman. Why she was always expected to sacrifice.

Her father Raja Janak had told her that a society asking a woman the proof of her purity was a degraded society and a society that didn't respect her and expected her to do a man's bidding never survived long. Raja Janak had practiced what he preached. Mithila was a kingdom where woman were respected and allowed their choices. Her father had married only once and was happy just with two of his daughters. He had never craved for sons and was always thankful to the supreme universe the blessing it has showered on him.

But Ayodhya was different. She knew King Dasrath married thrice to get a son. He had sacrificed his daughter Shanta for the sake of a son. Also Ayodhya was rigid in its dealings with woman and gave importance to vachans more than necessary. From the time the sisters had come from Mithila they had understood their life will take a different turn in this kingdom. Her Ram jeeju was different from King Dasrath but hearing about Agnipareeksha she understood even he is bound by the law of Ayodhya that puts invisible chains on woman. For a moment she forgot about her issue as she looked at Ram jeeju who was sitting with his head bowed. Urmila knew jeeju was not happy in subjecting her didi to Agnipareeksha. But then Ayodhya compelled him.

Her mother in law voice broke her reverie. Sumitra asked the ladies now the dinner of men was over and they should be proceeding to have dinner. Urmila nodded and followed the others. She turned and checked whether her husband was looking at her. No, Lakshman was turned away from her. Throughout the dinner topic was Sita's Agnipareeksha and her stay in Lanka. As Sita narrated how Ravan had kidnapped her and then about her eleven month stay in Lanka Urmila felt sadder. Her didi was trapped, she stayed in an alien place for eleven long months without any support chanting the name of Ram. Still in the end for all the love, loyalty and faith she had shown she had to give Agnipareeksha to prove herself. What kind of a society it was that took advantage of the innocence of a woman and yet blamed her for what happened to her.

The dinner of ladies finished on a sober note and the sisters moved to their respective rooms. Once she entered her room .Urmila corrected her shringaar once again. A smile spread on her lips as she heard footsteps. She turned eagerly only to see a footman standing at the door.

" Princess Urmila, prince Lakshman would be staying in his private room today and tomorrow he is going for a city visit with Prince Bharat and Prince Shatrugna and will be back only on Sunday. I have been asked to convey this message to you.

Urmila nodded numbly as the footman took leave. Her husband was not coming to their room that day. In addition he was going for his favourite city tour for the next four days.

She sat heavily on the bed. She had waited all these fourteen years for this one day. But it seemed her husband was not in a hurry to meet her. It seemed the fourteen years had changed him to such an extent he no longer wished to have her in his life. Maybe that was why he was not looking at her. Maybe he didn't know how to tell her that bitter truth. Urmila didn't know what to feel and she fell on the bed and began to cry uncontrollably.

Lakshman sat in his private room. He knew Urmila had dressed up for him. He knew she prepared his favourite dishes. But the question that nagged his mind was, was he worthy of her love. He felt he wasn't.

 

 

 

 

Thank u grilled cheese. Will be continuing soon. Was not well then got busy.

Chapter 4

Next day as Urmila came out from her room, she saw her mother in law Urmila standing as if waiting for her. She touched Sumitra's feet and Sumitra blessed her and asked how was she feeling. Urmila said she was fine trying her best to hide her tears. Sumitra gently wiped her daughter in law's tears and made her sit.

"Beti Urmila only today morning I came to know that Lakshman had stayed in his private room yesterday and is going out today with his brothers. I had gone to meet him. But unfortunately, they had left for the tour.

I understood my daughter Urmila will be distraught on the happenings of yesterday and came immediately to meet you.

Mila don't worry too much. Lakshman had missed his brothers and this city so much. You know right how much he loved to roam around the city in his horse. Also, he would have been very tired and may not be in a position to talk to you. Would have wanted rest, hence he might have gone to the private room.

You also need to understand he has been in the jungle for fourteen long years and it will take him some time to adapt to the palace culture once again. So, I would request my Mila to give my son some time. I am sure once coronation of Ram is done, he will come to you. Now please cheer up. There are lot of things to be completed for coronation and things in this palace won't move without Mila.

Urmila laughed hearing Sumitra's comment. She knew her mother in law loved her very much and had always stood by her during tough times and have always given sane advice. She understood maybe she misunderstood her husband and truth might be what her mother in law had told. Her husband needs some time to adapt. He needs some personal time to relax and also enjoy the city. She got up only to see her sisters Sita, Mandavi and Kirti walking towards her.

"Urmila you are fine right. The moment I heard Lakshman was in his private room I was worried for you, asked Sita her eyes showing concern.

"Didi I am perfectly alright. Ma have spoken to me. Now you are going to be the queen. So please take rest as we three of us look into the activities of Ram jeeju's coronation, commented Urmila. Before Sita could protest sisters made her sit and ordered the servants to bring their didi's favourtie breakfast. Meanwhile Kausalya too came and sat with Sita having small talk with her and joining the breakfast.

Once she left Sita didi with badi maa Urmila got busy with preparation for coronation. She, Mandavi and Kirti ran around supervising the preparations and soon Urmila forgot her personal worries.

Lakshman looked at the city of Ayodhya. Though he had come with Bharat and Shatrughna somewhere in between he had taken a different route and had come to the less populated area of the city. He had always loved that place. In that place there was a small hill. From the hill top it was a beautiful view to see the entire Ayodhya.  From teenage years the hill top was his escapade whenever his mind was troubled. He used to have a tent at the foot of the hill and stayed there for some days till his turmoil got cleared.

Only Ram bhaiyya knew this place. He had not told anyone else about it. Whenever he went missing from the palace bhaiyya used to assure everyone not to be worried about him. Everyone trusted Ram bhaiyya and he used to get his solitude. He hoped this time also his brother will handle the turmoil of him gone missing.

He unmounted from the horse, set up the tent and then slowly walked up the hill. Night was falling as he reached the top. He could see the city slowly getting lighted up with lamps and the darkness disappearing. He looked up. It was a star lit night. As he looked at the stars once again, he remembered his wedding night.

He entered the fully decorated room and saw his bride sitting in the bed fully dressed, with a veil covering her face. A smile spread on his face as he walked upto her. He had fallen for Sita bhabi's sister the moment he had seen her. But he never believed the girl who captured his imagination will be his wife. Now looking at her he felt he had got all the happiness in his word.

He sat on the bed and gently lifted the veil. He could see she was sitting looking down trying to suppress a shy smile spreading on her lips. He lifted her face and softly called her Urmila and got an even softer whisper in response.

"Urmila do you love to look at stars he whispered in her ears as he pulled her in his arms caressing her cheeks.

Urmila didn't tell anything and he repeated the question as he removed her nose ring and this time in a very soft voice Urmila replied she loved star lit sky.

"Urmila once the wedding festivities are over, I will take you to a place from where we can see the stars together.

Urmila kept her head on his chest and gave a silent approval as he removed her gajra and unlocked her hair.

This was the place he had wanted to bring her. He had wanted to spend time with her in the tent. But they never got the time. Before their marriage life could start properly the coronation mess happened and he went for vanvass. He never asked her permission when he took the decision. He never once thought how his new bride will adapt to the palace alone. At that time only Ram bhaiyya mattered to him and not her. He had left the girl to her bearings and had gone to accompany his brother.

Yes, he did the duty of a brother, but what about the duty of a husband. The question raised his ugly head in Lakshman's mind once again.  From the hill top he walked towards the tent. He was not sure what he was feeling at that point. Shame, guilt. He only knew one thing. He was in no position to face Urmila. He had no right to claim his rights as a husband with her, while he didn't do the duty of the husband.

From the time he had entered the palace the servants had been talking about how dutiful bahu Urmila had been. How she had taken care of everyone. People only had good things to speak about her. But in return for all the good things she had done for his family he had given her only pain and tears. Lakshman didn't know when tears started flowing from his eyes an before he could realize he was weeping uncontrollably. He buried his head in the bed and allowed the tears to flow. He had to let out the pain to allow his wound to heal and if he needed to meet Urmila again.

 

Chapter 5

The morning rays of sun that fell on him made Laxman get up. He didn't know when he slept. The entire night he had thought about Urmila and her travails. Now he got up and walked to the nearby stream to wash his face. He knew the forest area was nearby and he could get fruits and vegetables from there.

Laxman had loved to eat and as he remembered how Sita bhabi had catered to him during their vanvass time a smile spread on his face. Bhabi had treated him more like her elder son than devar. She made special dishes for him and dotted on him. But his smile soon gave to pain as he remembered bhabi jumping in the fire to prove her purity.

He never understood Ram bhaiyya. He couldn't believe his bhaiyya didn't stop bhabi from taking that extreme step. He had seen how Ram bhaiyya had sleepless nights thinking about bhabi, how with single minded devotion he had crossed the ocean and fought the war. But in the end when he met her, he had asked her to go.

But bhabi was unwilling for the same and instead asked him to make the pyre and jumped in it. He felt more confused. People hailed him as the best brother, people hailed Urmila's sacrifice and people were singing glory of Sita bhabi's agnipareeksha. But why it all had to happen. Why people expect sacrifice, why certain things are hailed and other things despised. Sita bhabi had accompanied Ram bhaiyya yet the world didn't notice her sacrifice only questioned her purity. Urmila's sacrifice was hailed but people didn't understand the lonliness and pain she would have carried in that sacrifice.

Was this the right way of doing things. Or people think it is the right way. Ram bhaiyya had talked about perceptions. The long-held belief of people that defined their thoughts and actions. Each person's action was judged based on the perception and not with sound mind and knowledge. It was about what you know and it never considered what you don't know.

According to Ram bhaiyya the agnipareeksha was also to protect bhabi from perceptions. He had told people believed they knew everything and judged so fast. He didn't want anyone to point fingers at bhabi. Looking at the response during dinner two days back Lakshman felt Ram bhaiyya had succeeded. But he had not seen the joy in those eyes. Only deep pain and a helplessness of not able to remove that thorn of agnipareeksha for bhabi.

His thoughts wandered back to Urmila and he felt the fire in which he was cooking the vegetables was actually burning him. He didn't stop the feelings, he allowed those feelings to burn him. He wanted to get burned for not doing the duty of a husband.

Urmila was with her sisters in the garden of Ayodhya. Though the atmosphere of Ayodhya was jovial and the slight breeze in the garden the sisters look pensive. They had indulged in small talk for some time trying to cheer up each other but soon realized it was futile. All of them were carrying burdens in their heart. Sita was the first to open up.

"Mandavi, Urmila, Kirti I know there have been so many questions in your mind. I feel like we all want to pour our hearts out. When we all got married to four brothers, we had thought we will be having a happy time in Ayodhya. We will not be separated. But destiny had other plans for us. Each of us had to take a journey which was mutually independent. I went for vanvass, was captured and imprisoned in Lanka. Irrespective of being pure forced to give Agnipareeksha has the queen has to be chaste and the people need to believe it.

Mandavi and Urmila I know both of you have lived a lonely life in this palace without your husbands. Kirti our little Kirti carried the entire burden of the affairs of kingdom with Shatrughna. But at least she was with her husband and I know Shatrughna is very proud of her, mentioned Sita as she turned towards her youngest sister and caressed her cheeks.

"Didi how can you tell all these things so calmly.  For me a storm has been brewing in my heart for the past fourteen years. See Maa Kaikeyi asked for the boons. Ram jeeju agreed to adhere to Pitashree's vachan's. I was completely with my husband when he told he wont ascent the throne. His anger towards Manthara and his mother was justified. But didi what was my fault in the whole scheme of things. What was the fault of praja of Ayodhya? Was it right on my husband's part not to support Shatrughna when he badly needed support in running the affairs of the state? Was it right on my husband's part to leave me in this palace and most importantly how could he take the decision of jumping in fire if Ram bhaiyya didn't return at the completion of fourteen years? What about the marriage vows he gave me? questioned Mandavi tears streaming down her cheeks.

"Didi I have no complaints of my husband accompanying you and Ram jeeju for vanvass. I knew it was the time Ram bhaiyya needed support the most. He was alone outcasted suddenly and he needed someone by his side. It was also the time the mothers in palace needed someone. I was happy to share his burden and do the needful for palace. But didi the way he has behaved from the time he has returned I don't know what to feel. Maa Sumitra tells he might not want to face me. He is guilty. But why didi. What use is the guilt now. We have already lost fourteen years of our life. The decision he took that day can't be reversed and I have accepted it also. But I can't accept him ignoring me now. If it continues, I will break for sure didi. Urmila can't take lonliness again. Sita could feel anger, desperation and pain in her sister's voce.

Kirti was silent and Sita asked her to speak. She told she simply didn't understand this man's world where there was one rule for man another for woman. She had tried to tell her heart again and again her Sita didi's agnipareeksha was needed but she was unable to accept it. Would a man's purity be asked to be proven the same way her didi's chastity was proven?

Sita consoled her sisters telling the old Ayodhya and its rules will slowly crumble. Their Ram jeeju was going to be the king of Ayodhya in another couple of days. He will remove all the outdated laws and will usher in a new kingdom with rules that respected the women of the land. He will ensure rules are same for man and woman. The sisters smiled and agreed to Sita mentioning they also were eagerly awaiting the new dawn in Ayodhya.

 

 

 

Chapter 6

It was coronation day of Ram. The much-awaited moment in Ayodhya. From morning the palace was bustling with activity as priests chanted auspicious mantras. Urmila was running around along with Mandavi and Kirti ensuring no last-minute glitches are there. Though busy her mind wandered thinking about her husband. She knew he had returned the previous day night and had stayed in his private room. Maa Sumitra had tried to console her that after coronation everything will be alright. But looking at how things are progressing she was not sure.

Urmila had seen her husband along with his brothers in front of the palace. Never once he looked up where he knew the ladies will stand. It was as if he was afraid to meet her eyes. Bharat jeeju had told her as usual he had split from the group and had gone to his secret hiding place. The secret hiding place from where stars could be seen. The secret hiding place which he had promised to take her. The secret hiding place which she thought he will take her as soon as he was back from vanvass. Many days of their separation she had lived longing to see that place, dreamt of being in that place. Now she is hearing once again he had gone there but not with her, alone. She wiped the tear that rolled down and rushed to check the coronation arrangements.

Soon it was time to crown the new king of Ayodhya. Ram sat on the throne along with Sita as priests completed the rituals. The guest list included Vibhishan and Sugreeva now kings of Kishkinda and Lanka respectively and the most favored allies of Ayodhya. Raja Janak had also come to see the coronation and bless his son in law. Altogether the atmosphere was filled with chants of Raja Ram ki jai. Urmila felt happy as she saw her jeeju and didi on the throne. Sita didi was looking happy and content. Why wouldn't she be. Urmila knew Ram jeeju cherished her like anything. He had crossed the ocean and fought the war for her. Though she had so many questions on agnipareeksha Sita didi had explained to her though she jumped in the fire just once, Ram jeeju had jumped in the fire again and again till she came out of it successfully.

Her thoughts were broken by Ram who called out to Lakshman. Urmila saw her husband moving forward but as usual he didn't glance sideways. Ram asked Lakshman whether he could lead the team that was going to east with a message from king of Ayodhya extending hand of friendship. Lakshman was so glad to accept and Urmila stood there numb. That travel meant her husband would be gone for another month. But she couldn't complain as Bharat, Shatrughna and Hanuman also got similar order to accompany teams in west, north and south direction respectively.

Lakshman heaved a sigh of relief. Ram bhaiyya's order meant he will be away from Ayodhya at least for one to two months. He didn't have to find excuse to avoid Urmila. He was still not prepared to meet her. But he knew if he stayed in Ayodhya and continued in his private room either his mother or Ram bhaiyya will ask unpleasant questions on why he was not going to Urmila. He was also not ready to face those questions. Because he was not sure whether he could convince them on what he was feeling at that point.

The trip to hill side was helpful. At least he was able to pour his guilt out and shed tears. He understood the extent of the pain he had carried in his heart. But he didn't know how to heal that guilt. How to overcome it. Maybe in the travel he will get some kind of idea how to overcome his guilt.

Urmila sat in her room. The coronation festivities were still happening outside. She knew Sita didi and Ram jeeju will be observing the festivities from palace terrace. Shatrughna and Kirti had gone outside to enjoy the festivities from the banks of sarayu. Bharat jeeju had decided to take Mandavi didi to the fair that was happening in lieu of coronation. All her sisters were enjoying the day with their spouses. Only she was alone in her room on this beautiful day. She too wanted to stand on the terrace or banks of sarayu. She too would have loved to visit the fair with her husband. But where was her husband. None saw him. Sita did had informed he had gone to make arrangements for his travel. Urmila knew as usual the footman will come and inform her, her husband had proceeded for travel.

She stood in front of the mirror and looked at herself. Why her fate was like this. Her father had spoken to her that day. It seemed Sita didi had hinted to their father on Lakshman's behavior. Though he didn't ask anything directly he asked her to stay strong. He requested her not to fill her mind with negative thoughts and mentioned all that happens for a reason. So, whatever is happening in her life at that point would have some reason too. The day she realizes the reason she will be happy it had happened. Her father had echoed the thoughts of her mother in law. But nothing assured her. She just wanted to know why her husband was staying away from her. Then she realized that she had always feared whether the vanvass will make him lead the life of an ascetic for rest of his life. Now his actions showed maybe her worst fear was coming true. Once again, she sat in front of mirror and cried not knowing what to do.

Lakshman packed his bags. He had had a brief meeting with his father in law Raja Janak. His father in law didn't reprimand him directly but he felt he was indirectly questioning him on his aloofness towards his daughter. Well he couldn't fault Raja Janak. Any father in his place would be concerned for his daughter. He wanted to tell his father in law not to worry. He loved Urmila immensely. He respected and adored her like anything. He knew he had become the model brother because of her. He knew he had survived death because of her commitment and purity of heart. His daughter was a noble woman and deserved the pedestal. The real problem was that pedestal. In front of her sacrifice he felt so small, so inadequate and he was unable to meet her for those reasons and he needed time to overcome those feelings. But he didn't tell Raja Janak anything and had stood silent and only gave courtesy replies. He didn't know what his father in law would have felt as he took leave. He promised to himself once this trip was over, he will make effort to mend their relation and then at the earliest he will take his wife to Mithila to meet her family. A smile spread on his face as he thought about it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter 7

Urmila looked from the terrace of the palace as the team of Lakshman left for visiting kingdoms in the east. Though she didn't expect her heart hoped her husband will turn back and look towards her. But he didn't and she sighed. She was getting used to this life low. It was as if loneliness has become her lifelong companion. But this time Urmila decided she was not going to keep quiet. She had never questioned her husband's love for his brother. He had never questioned his decision to accompany his brother leaving her. But once he is back and still if he was not coming to meet her, she will question his decision.

Urmila knew she had reached the end of her patience. No words of Maa Sumitra or Raja Janak could calm her.For long she had never questioned the sacrifice that had been demanded out of her. But now she wanted answers. Not questions and orders. She decided to go to the banks of Sarayu. That place had always offered her the solace when her mind was troubled.

Night was falling and Lakshman decided to camp in that area. If they go further it was forest and he didn't feel safe to take the entire caravan through forest during night. He instructed the commander in chief to set up tents. Soon tents were sent up and the servants started serving dinner for the prince and the caravan. For dessert it was ladoo. As he saw ladoo Lakshman remembered Urmila. Ladoo was her favorite dish.

"Sumitranandan I have a confession to make, Urmila smiled sheepishly at her husband as he entered their room. It was just one week into their wedding.

"What happened Urmila, why are you apologizing, asked Lakshman his eyes showing confusion.

Urmila just brought out a dabba in front. There were only two ladoos in it. Lakshman was surprised. Ma Sumitra always send dabba full of ladoos whenever they were made in the palace. Then he understood why Urmila was apologizing. She might have eaten ladoos sitting alone. He had gone for horse riding with his brothers and was late.

"Sumitranandan ... Urmila tried to explain and Lakshman put his fingers to her lips. 

"Urmila, I had overheard Mata Sunaina telling you during bidaai not to over eat ladoos the way you eat in Mithila. You were now going to your husband's place and you need to be conscious of it. Don't worry. I usually distribute the sweets Maa sends among servants too and eat very little. I only have one request. Whenever you get ladoos distribute among them too. They will feel happy. I have learnt this from Ram bhaiyya.

Urmila looked relieved and she mentioned her Sita didi was also like that. She also cared for everyone in the palace and shared things with the servants. But somehow when it came to ladoos she had been unable to follow her didi's path. She assured him going forward she will keep in mind that she distributes ladoo too among servants.

Lakshman smiled inadvertently thinking about Urmila's cute antics.

"Prince Lakshman what happened. Why are you laughing. Share the joke with us also, he was brought back to reality by Sumantra's voice. Lakshman looked up to see all faces staring at him.

"Minister Sumantra I guess the prince is reminded of his wife Urmila, teased Jabali who was also with them. Soon the discussion diverted to Urmila and the princess's supreme sacrifice. Once again everyone began to sing praises of Urmila and Lakshman wanted to move away from that place.

He had understood it was not Urmila's choice to be a Goddess. She would have wanted to lead a simple normal life with her husband. But then everyone made her a Goddess by making her walk on the thorns. They refused to see that bleeding heart and unending tears. They were happy that the system they had created was surviving. Somehow, he finished dinner and paid courtesy good night to everyone and returned to his tent.

As he entered the tent his thoughts wandered to his sister Shanta. Ayodhya hailed Shanta's sacrifice of leaving the palace and marrying a rishi. It was hailed that because of her sacrifice Ayodhya got its heir in Ram bhaiyya and along with him three more boys were born. At that time, he had also believed the story and had revered his sister. But at that point for the first time the thought crossed his mind whether his sister did the sacrifice from her heart or like Urmila she was also given no choice. The pain of their father of not having a son and him constantly feeling inadequate because of a lack of son forced that sacrifice out of her. He was not sure. But he decided that once he was back from his mission, he will definitely go to meet his sister Shanta, he will talk to her. Maybe she would be able to help him how to overcome his guilt. For the first time since he returned to Ayodhya Lakshman felt an inner peace as put his head on the pillow.

Urmila continued sitting in the banks of Sarayu and observed the water flowing. Many times, she had thought whether the feeder to Sarayu was the tears of the women of Ayodhya. Today she felt her thought was correct. After Lakshman had gone to vanvass Urmila was involved in the affairs of the state and it was then she had come to know the story of Putrakameshti yajna. It was done by a rishi called Rishisringa. This rishi was leading a life of brahmacharya and guru Vashisth had mentioned to King Dasrath that only if that rishi married, he can do the Putrakameshti yajna. Hence women were sent to the rishi to lure him into a married life and finally the princess herself went to lure the rishi and succeeded.

Mata Kausalya cried over the loss of her child Shanta. She lamented on how the sacrifice was not really Shanta's choice but was forced on her. She talked about the dreams she had for her daughter's wedding. Mata Kaikeyi was the most hated woman in Ayodhya as she was responsible for sending Ram jeeju for Vanvass. But Urmila had come to understood Mata Kaikeyi for all her flaws was a brave woman. She had rescued her husband from injury in the war injuring herself.

Actually, Mata Kaikeyi loved King Dasrath but he had married her to beget a son and had promised her father he would make her son the next heir. But when Ram jeeju was born the king forgot his promise and actually Mata Kaikeyi only fought for the right of her child. World despised Kaikeyi while king Dasrath went scott free while he was equally responsible for the mess that wreaked havoc their children's lives.

Then there was Sita didi and her agnipareeksha. None saw didi's pain as they hailed their sacrifice. Of course, she and Mandavi didi. Mandavi didi had also shed enough tears in lonliness. Who would have consoled her if Bharat jeeju had jumped in the pyre? People will tell jeeju did the duty of a brother. But what about jeeju's responsibility towards didi? Well none cared. People expected men to be good sons and brothers only. It was women's job to be good wives and mothers while the men didn't contribute anything to the marriage. A sarcastic smile spread on Urmila's lips as she thought about the real condition of women in Ayodhya. They were called Goddess, they were worshipped as Goddess but just like the idol of the Goddess they were expected to be deaf and mute and only watch the happenings in front of them. Accept the offerings given and bless the men with what they want.

She slowly got up from the river bank and started her walk back to the palace. She didn't want to feed Sarayu more with her tears. As she entered the palace, she saw Maa Sumitra standing near the room. Before Sumitra could speak Urmila told

"Maa I have been to the banks of Sarayu.  I know you have come to assure me that things will be fine. But I can't be assured Maa. I want to speak to my husband. Only then my mind will be calm.

Sumitra caressed her daughter in law's cheeks, "Urmila I didn't come to assure you. I just came to let you know have courage and please understand your Maa is always by your side. Urmila smiled at her and knowing her mother in law was by her side suddenly Urmila felt calm as if her heart was telling things will be fine.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How wonderfully you described the storm which stirred the lives of all the four brothers' wives. 🤗 In a way, it was a struggle for the princess too to pass those difficult years watching their husbands in such a turmoil! This is a great angle and a new angle for which I am reading the first time and let me hug you with adoration.🤗  Well written epic story. Edited by Avyakta - 5 years ago

Thank you Avyakta. I am happy you liked it.

Chapter 8

Urmila as usual was involved in the affairs of the palace. Lakshman had returned from his one-month journey, but had immediately gone to visit his sister Shanta and had decided to stay with her for some time.  Once again, he preferred jungle thought Urmila. She knew Mata Sumitra had tried to talk to Lakshman but he had not given her time as he rushed to his sister's place. Urmila knew now people sympathized with her. Though they didn't tell anything in front of her, Urmila knew everyone whispered about her sorry state behind her back. She gulped down, she didn't want to think too much. The one thing that made her happy these days was both Sita didi and Mandavi didi were pregnant. The news had brought much needed happiness in the palace.

It was Urmila's duty to foresee the food preparations in kitchen and ensure both Sita and Mandavi got their favourite food items. Urmila enjoyed this duty as she forced her elder sisters to have proper meals as they struggled with pregnancy related problems. Sita didi and Mandavi didi didn't ask her any question about Lakshman. They indirectly told her to have courage and Urmila felt they would have talked to their respective spouses about her plight and would have got assurance from them things would be al right. Urmila sighed once again.

She had thought she will confront her husband once he was back from the trip but before she got a chance for same, he once again fled the palace and she was not sure when he will be back.

Lakshman was interacting with his sister's grandchildren. He had been there for past two weeks and his sister was so happy to see him. He was planning to return that week but her sister insisted he stay back for another week as it has been quite long someone from her family had visited her. Her son and his children were so happy to see him. They all wanted to know the story of vanvass, war that happened in Lanka. The children wanted to play Ram and Ravan always.

Though he felt calm and happy interacting with children he had not forgotten the real mission of his visit. Speaking to Shanta didi on his dilemma. He had indicated to didi that he wanted to talk. Didi had told her son and his family was visiting her daughter in laws house for her brothers wedding that week. So, once they go, she can speak to him. His brother in law was anyways deep in meditation and won't be home for another six months. That was also one reason she had asked him to stay for another week.

That was first time Lakshman was staying with his didi for so long. Last time when he came, he had stayed just for couple of days. That time also her husband was not there. He had not understood didi's pain then as she said he is in deep meditation. Now he understood the lonely life his sister led. Her husband was in deep meditation for most part of the year. Remaining part he will be called in one kingdom or another to do one yajna or another. He was rarely home and even rarely available to her. They had three children and didi had reared them mostly on her own. Her two daughters were married to rishis and her son had married also from the family of a rishi. She wore simple clothes though he remembered Mata Kausalya used to tell Shanta didi loved silks and jewellery. She gave up everything so that their father could have sons.

Incidentally what his sons got. A wry smile appeared in Lakshman's face as he thought what they got. Princely wardrobe was taken from them for fourteen years. Ram bhaiyya was an outcast and Bharat bhaiyya made himself an outcast. He had also followed Ram bhaiyya. Then in their lives also pure bliss and happiness never came. His father had taken the happiness of his sister taking he could keep his sons happy. But it never happened. The riches that he took away from his daughter destiny took it away from his sons too. The thorns he gave to his daughter, destiny gave those thorns to his sons also. Most importantly the sons for which he had sent away his daughter at the time of his death there was not a single son beside him, but it was his daughter who had rushed to the palace hearing her father's condition. He had closed his eyes in Mata Kausalya's lap seeing Shanta didi's face.

He sighed thinking about all that and his reverie was broken by the kids who asked him to continue the stories. He continued the stories but his mind was lost in the questions. He hoped he can have the talk with his sister at the earliest so that he can put his mind to peace.

Night has fallen and Urmila had come back to her room. Now it had become a routine for her to stay alone. Sometimes the memories came when she had shared this room with someone special. The time when she had thought she will wake up everyday seeing his face. Even when he had gone for fourteen years vanvass she had dreamt of him everyday before falling asleep. She had eagerly counted the days and had waited for his return. But now everything seemed so distant. Her marriage itself looked like a line drawn in the sand which waves have taken away. Now loneliness had become her permanent companion. Maybe now her husband will never walk into her room. He will keep himself busy one way or the other and will remain in his private quarters for a life time.

Urmila sighed and looked around. Their room had both their paintings. She got up and went and near one of the paintings. She gently caressed the face of the painting

"Sumitranandan I don't want to hope. I don't want to cry. But what is my mistake. I would just love to know why you can't come to me. Why you won't accept me your wife. Why we can't have a normal life. If you face me and answer these questions, I can live in this palace alone. But these questions are now eating into my very soul. Even when I don't want to hope these questions give me hope. These questions tell me someday you will come to meet me. Please Sumitranandan just come once and answer me. Just give a closure to this endless waiting, murmured Urmila as tears flowed down her cheeks.