Track 63 - Toota Pull Wahaan, The Deepak Rathore Project
Armaan rang the doorbell to Riddhima's house and stepped back, waiting. It had been a very long day and he was happy to be home. Home, he sighed. How had Riddhima's apartment that he'd visited only once before become home? Because it was Riddhima's, a voice whispered in his head. One that sounded a lot like Rahul. Whatever. He didn't have the time for that, not now. He was preoccupied with other things.
After a scrumptious breakfast cooked for him by Riddhima and Rahul, he'd spent the rest of the day with Tamanna and Myra, taking the day off from the hospital after what had happened. He'd needed that time to unwind. And it had been great. He'd taken them out for some ice-cream for lunch. Then they'd gone to the beach, and finally ended up in a park. He'd gotten loads of hugs and kisses from his sister and his niece, making him feel better. But then, while he was sitting on a park bench with Tamanna, watching Myra play, she'd said something he hadn't ever imagined. Sid proposed, she'd said. So casually. As if they were discussing the weather. She'd wanted his advice on what to do. And, for the first time since he'd met her, Armaan hadn't been able to help Tamanna, because he didn't know what to say.
On one hand, he did want Tamanna to find happiness in a romantic relationship, if that's what she wanted, of course, but with Sid? He wasn't sure. It was purely selfish, he knew. But, how could he ever want his sister to be with the guy who had previously been married to the love of his life? Did Tamanna even know Sid had been married before? He hadn't told her, not yet. He'd just asked her for some time to think it through, but at the same time assured her that if Sid was who she wanted to spend the rest of her life with, he would support her… Because there was nothing else that he could do. Much as he hated it, he would never stand in the way of Tamanna's happiness. The only good thing right now seemed to be how Tamanna herself wasn't inclined to get into a relationship with anyone, much less Sid. And, he did agree. Myra was the most important person right now and she needed all of Tamanna's attention. Any type of romantic entanglement wasn't a good idea right this moment, much less a long distance and one that was rich with so much history.
"Hey!" Riddhima greeted him a moment later, all smiles and love. Armaan couldn't help the smile on his own face at that.
"Hi," he replied. He handed her a bunch of flowers - yellow daisies (they weren't at the red roses stage, not yet) - and a bottle of non-alcoholic sparkling cider. "For you," he said. "Thanks for inviting me."
"Thank you!" Riddhima answered. "You look great!" She gestured to his attire of a pink shirt that he'd paired with a black cut sleeve sweater and dark washed jeans.
"So do you," he complimented, taking note of her outfit for the first time. She was dressed in a blue anarkali suit, looking gorgeous as ever. "You look absolutely ethereal."
Riddhima blushed. "Thank you," she murmured. "Come on in!"
"Is this like a date?" Armaan asked as he looked around the living room. It was much different than he remembered. The lighting was pretty intimate, drapes hanging at every corner. Soft music was wafting through the room.
"No," Riddhima rolled her eyes. "I just invited the man I'm in love with over to dinner to play cards. Of course it's a date, Armaan!"
"I hadn't realized. I thought we were just hanging out," Armaan mumbled sheepishly.
"Ummm, isn't that what a date is? Hanging out with someone you like to get to know them better?" Riddhima asked.
"You're right. Wow, I'm rusty. How are you better at this than me?" He wondered out loud. "I can't believe you asked me out first. This is so uncool. I wanted to be the one to do it!"
"What's even more uncool is that you didn't even realize it was a date!" Riddhima laughed. "Wait till I tell everyone!"
"NO!" Armaan cried. "Come on! You can't tell anyone. Meri kya izzat reh jaayegi? Please, please, please! I'll do anything for you!"
"Anything?" Riddhima quirked a brow.
"Anything," Armaan confirmed.
"I'm gonna hold you to that," she told him. He raised his hands in surrender.
"So, what are we doing on this date of yours? Is there a basketball court nearby?" He jokingly asked because that's what they did when they were on a date. Or even not. They played basketball.
"I thought we'd try a different game today," Riddhima told Armaan. "Why don't you settle down on the couch and I'll bring it out!"
"Sure," he agreed easily, happy for the distraction. He'd take anything over thinking about Tamanna and Sid. And, spending time with Riddhima was hardly a hardship. He loved spending time with her, getting to know her in these little pockets of time. They had gone back to just being Armaan & Riddhima so quickly. It scared him, but it also reassured him that things would be just fine. He never had been able to resist her charms, had he? It would always be her and no-one else would ever compare.
"Here we goooo!" Riddhima sang making her way back in. She was carrying a tray with some refreshments that she placed on the coffee table before placing a deck of cards in front of Armaan.
"What's this?" Armaan asked.
"We're playing poker," Riddhima told him. "But not the regular kind. Whoever loses has to answer a question the winner asks honestly. And you're not allowed to pass a question. If you do, you have to do a dare which could be literally anything."
"Oh? High stakes, Dr. Basket. I approve," Armaan smirked. "But, don't you think it's a little unfair to you? I mean, we both know I'm the better poker player."
"Do we?" Riddhima snarked. "Well, then good for you, isn't it? Shall we start?"
To Armaan's surprise, Riddhima ended up winning the first couple rounds. She'd started with basic questions, nothing too hard-hitting. Stuff like his most embarrassing memory (it was when Tamanna had set him up with someone and no-one had showed up for the date and he'd had to sit alone in a romantic restaurant on Valentine's Day for the entire evening.), whether he'd cheated on a test (yes, of course!), and did he ever miss Mumbai (a lot, but not enough to come back, not before this.)
And then finally, he won a round. He decided to go easy on her as well, seeing as they were just warming up. He was sure the difficult questions would come and they'd have to talk about the bad stuff, but not just yet. "What's your happiest memory from the past seven years? And I don't mean in relation to anyone else. Not Anjy's wedding or the birth of Nikki's baby. Something that made you happy because it happened to you. Not your friends or family. And… Don't be boring and say stuff like the day I was promoted or something. Something actually happy. Tell me about something that… I don't know, something that made you want to call me right that instant and yell about it because you were over the moon."
"That's easy," Riddhima laughed. "It's the day my annulment was finalized. I was so happy that day. Atul & I celebrated with lunch and then Muskaan took me out for a movie. I wanted to tell you so, so, so badly. I actually called your number that day, but it was already registered to someone else. A Saina. I really missed you that day, but god, that was really the happiest day of my life. Not just in these last few years. I think that was the happiest day of my life. Period."
"Did getting out of a relationship with Sid make you so happy?" Armaan asked sombrely, all playfulness vanishing instantly from his entire being. "If it did, why did you stay with him for so long? Why did you marry him again? Why did you not sign the divorce papers when he gave them to you? Is he that bad of a person? Or was it just that he wasn't right for you?"
Riddhima stopped short at his words. She clearly hadn't thought it through. She should've known Armaan wouldn't let it go if she talked about this. She could've picked any memory, but she didn't want to lie to Armaan. Not anymore. She'd done plenty of that already. So, she told him the truth. And maybe, it was time Armaan knew the entire truth. How much longer would she hide it? He had to know. He deserved to know. It would be difficult for her to admit to this part of her past, but she knew that if there was someone who would never judge her for her choices, it was Armaan. He'd understand where she was coming from, just like he always did. He wouldn't shame her for her choices, but be the shoulder she needed to cry on. He'd be there for her, as he had always been.
"Riddhima… Sid was a good husband, right?" Armaan probed. "He wasn't… He wasn't… He was always a gentleman, right?"
He had to know. Not just for Riddhima's sake, but for Tamanna's. Sid had told Tamanna he loved her. If she gave love another chance, only to be met with a similar fate… He didn't even want to think about it. Sid was a nice guy. Armaan had seen for himself how much Sid loved Riddhima. He'd helped Sid woo her. He'd only done that because Sid was a good person… Because Riddhima deserved someone as loving as Sid in her life.
"Sid was…" Riddhima sighed. "He wasn't… He wasn't the best husband, Armaan. Not all the time," she confessed. "I was not blameless, I'll agree. I certainly never made things easier for him… But he was… Sometimes, I just… It wasn't easy for me to deal with him either."
"Sid told Tamanna he loves her," Armaan blurted out.
"Armaan!" Riddhima whispered, aghast. "No! She can never… Sid is… She… Please… She didn't say yes, did she?"
"Riddhima… What's wrong?" Armaan asked, scooting closer to her. He held her hands in his. "Please tell me. I'm here for you. No matter what."
That seemed to be the breaking point for her. Riddhima hugged Armaan tightly, sobbing into his embrace. She'd wanted this for so long. For Armaan to ask her what was wrong, for him to be there for her. She'd wished for this to happen every single moment till the time she'd become Sid's wife. And then suddenly, everything else had faded, and only her sorrow remained, Armaan's love only a distant memory that seemed more like a dream than reality.
She had never told anyone about those hard days after the wedding. How every moment in Sid's presence had been spent in utter fear, how she got nightmares about it even now. Yes, things had gotten better between them after Armaan had arrived, but then they'd gone back to being tense after he'd left. Armaan had always been the one who kept their relationship tied together. He was the one who did everything to bring them closer. He was the one who actually worked to make their relationship better. It had never been Sid or Riddhima who made any efforts in their marriage. It had always been Armaan.
"Basket," he soothed. "Shhh. It's okay. I'm here. You're here. We've survived all that. That's what matters. The past is just that. The past. And we can move forward. I'm here with you for whatever you need. Maybe, we shouldn't talk about this. It's okay. I don't want to know. You're happy and that's all that matters."
Armaan did want to know. Something really bad must have happened for Riddhima to react the way she did. But, he would never force her or pressure her into talking about anything she wasn't ready to share. Especially not when it was something that hurt her so much.
"N— No," Riddhima protested. "I want to tell someone. I want to tell you, Armaan. I trust you. Please. I've been carrying this around inside me for so long. I can't hold it any longer. Not alone. Please let me tell you."
"Whatever you need," Armaan vowed. He pulled her closer still and kissed the top of her head. Riddhima melted into his embrace at that. She'd craved his kisses for years and years now. She'd craved for the security of his arms, of the reassurance of his steady presence beside her, making everything right, no matter how bad.
"Stay like this," Riddhima whispered. "Just like this. Don't leave me."
"I won't," Armaan told her, tugging her onto his lap. "I won't."
Riddhima took a few deep breaths to calm herself before she started talking. "I'll tell you everything. I promise. But you have to promise me you won't tell anyone else. Please, Armaan. No one knows. Not even Muskaan. You won't say anything, will you?"
"If that's what you want," Armaan agreed.
"I do," Riddhima stressed. "There's a reason why no one knows. It's not something I'm comfortable telling everyone."
"I won't tell a single person. I swear," Armaan promised. "I won't break your trust like that."
Riddhima smiled. "I know."
A moment later, she started talking. "Sid and I… We did not get off on the right foot. Right from the first time we met, things between us were bad. Very bad, actually. I slapped him the first time I saw him. So, you can imagine how that set the tone for our future interactions. We were always clashing over something or the other, be it at work or outside of work. Things got very bad.
Sid… You have to understand, the Sid you know and the one I met are two entirely different people. The Sid I met was childish and insolent. He only cared about himself and no-one else. So, when he felt I'd insulted him one too many times, he decided to get revenge.
We both had had to go to Lonavala for some work and well, as you can imagine, we fought once more. So, I left from there without him. On the way back, there was a landslide, so I had to stay at a hotel overnight. Now, I don't know how he did it, but Sid managed to get into my room while I was sleeping. He got in bed with me and clicked pictures of us together making it seem like… Well, you know what."
"HE DID WHAT?" Armaan raged, unable to help himself. "How dare he? Uski himmat kaise hui tumhaare saath yeh karne ki? Uski hummat kaise hui kisi bhi ladki ke saath yeh karne ki? I thought he was a nice person. But he's scum. Gutter scum. I can't believe he'd do something like that. He…"
"Armaan!" Riddhima called out, tightening her hold on him. "It's okay. That was the past. You're here. I'm here. We're okay."
"This is not okay," Armaan argued. "Something like this will never be okay."
"I know," Riddhima agreed. "But… I need to tell you, Armaan. This isn't even the worst of it. Please… I don't know when or if I'll ever be able to muster the courage to talk about this again. But I have to. Please let me tell you everything."
"Sorry!" He apologized immediately. "I'm sorry." He pressed a lingering kiss to her forehead. "You deserve better. I'm so sorry I wasn't there, Basket. But I'm here now. Tell me."
"He… He was going to use them to blackmail me. To make me be nice to him. I don't think he ever planned to show the photos to someone else, but… It's Sanjeevani. You know how it can get. The photos got leaked and every single person saw them. They all made assumptions and as you can imagine, none of it painted me in a good light. Papa became the laughing stock of the hospital overnight.
But then, things got worse. I found out the truth behind your disappearance and decided to look for you. Papa and I got into a very bad fight when I did. I said a lot of things to him that day. Some of those, I don't regret, but most of them, I do. I was… I went crazy. That's a very apt description. I just needed to find you, in any way I could.
Atul wanted to come with me to help, but with Abhi & Nikki away, he wasn't able to get time off when I wasn't around either. So, Papa sent Sid with me instead. Apparently, Sid had been feeling very bad about the photo leak and wanted to make it up to me. Papa thought a good way to do that would be to help me find you. And so, Sid came with me.
Honestly, I don't even recollect him being there. I was so focused on getting to you, I didn't care about anything else, much less Sid. That night, after you left me in the cottage, I went out to look for you. I didn't find you, but the cold found me. I got hypothermic. My clothes were all wet with snow and there were no heaters, I guess.
Sid found me. He helped me that night… But I didn't realize that. I woke up to find myself… Not fully dressed. And Sid much the same. We were both sleeping side by side. And well… I assumed the worst. I thought Sid took advantage of my deliriousness. Atul found me in the woods, doing… I don't even remember now. But, he brought me back home and I accused Sid of r*pe, because I thought that's what happened.
Police came to Sanjeevani and it was a mess. When the investigation was finished and Sid was cleared of all charges, that's when things actually got bad. Nobody understood where I was coming from… Why I did what I did. They all thought I'd falsely accused Sid for some petty revenge. Everyone was saying a lot of shit.
Papa and Sid decided that the best way to stop the rumours would be for me to marry Sid. And… I didn't want to, Armaan. I swear I didn't."
She looked up at him as she said that, unsurprised to find him crying quietly. His grip on her was impossibly tight, and yet his arms seemed to itching to hold her closer. His face was turned away from her and he was quietly sobbing into the pillow, but hadn't interrupted her as he'd promised he wouldn't. Riddhima dropped her face back into Armaan's chest, seeking his warmth. "I didn't want to marry him," she repeated. It was important for her that he know she would never have married Sid if she had another choice.
"I know," Armaan sobbed out. "I'm sorry I ever thought you did. I'm sorry I said all that to you. I never should have. I should've asked you why you did what you did. I should have helped you. I should've done better."
"I tried so hard, Armaan. But then, people started badmouthing Mumma. And she overheard them saying such disgusting things about her. She fell sick after that. And then when Papa told me to marry Sid to save Mumma and Mumma told me to marry him to repay Papa for all that he'd done for the two of us, I wasn't able to say no.
Atul knew I didn't want to marry Sid and bless his heart, he tried so hard to stop the wedding. But, I think after a point I became numb to all of that. Mumma's face kept revolving in my head and I gave in. But I couldn't bring myself to actually marry Sid.
So… The night of the wedding, I…" She trailed off. This was the most difficult part. She didn't know if she wanted Armaan to know that she'd tried to attempt suicide. She didn't want him to see her differently. But, she knew that if she wasn't completely honest with him, she'd never find the peace she was looking for.
"What… What did you do?" Armaan asked, scared. He tugged her closer to him. Closer. Closer. Closer. He needed to feel her, to make sure she was here, in his arms. That she was alive and breathing. Because right now, it seemed like a miracle that she was.
"I drank poison," Riddhima mumbled softly.
"Basket!" Armaan cried desperately, pushing her away to look at her face. "Why? I… All because of me. Because I was… I was a coward who couldn't face you when you came looking for me. I'm… I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. God, I'm the worst. This all happened because of me and then I behaved as if you'd committed some grave sin by marrying someone else. I'm just… Why do you love me? I don't deserve it," he sobbed.
"I love you," Riddhima wept. "I always will. None of this is your fault. Sid decided to play cheap tricks and I decided to drink the poison. None of this is your fault. You didn't make either of us do anything."
Armaan let out a choked sob at her words one more time. He dropped desperate kisses to every inch of her face, his arms wrapped around her like a vine. "You're okay," he kept mumbling to himself in between kisses. "You're okay. You're fine. You're here. You're alive."
"I am," Riddhima assured him. "I'm okay. I'm fine. I'm here. I'm alive."
"Ho— how did you…" Armaan trailed off, wanting to know how she'd survived.
"Sid found me," Riddhima laughed mirthlessly. "He found me and he saved me. After that… I had no choice, did I? I married him. After the wedding was over, I burnt all your memories to show Sid I would be loyal to him. But… That wasn't enough for him. Maybe because of what I'd done, or maybe for some other reason, Sid hated me and he hated that we were married. I think, more than anything else, he hated that we were forced to marry each other. He hated that while I'd burned physical evidence of you, I'd never been able to remove you from my heart. He hated that I wasn't comfortable around him, and more than anything else, he seemed to hate the fact that we didn't share an intimate relationship.
He was very rude to me when we were alone. And even in company. He would taunt me all the time. He humiliated me in front of his friends at every opportunity he got. There was this one time… On Holi. He dropped thandai on his shoes and told me to clean it for him in front of everyone else. I even bent down to wipe it off with my dupatta, but I guess he realized he wasn't doing the right thing he and stopped me before I could actually do it.
Whenever we were alone, he would always try to come close to me, but I was very uncomfortable and he didn't like that. But, he never gave me the time to get used to his presence in my life. One time when we were arguing, he pushed me so hard I fell and hit my head on the table. Then later, he felt guilty about pushing me so he broke a glass bottle on his hand. It was… I was scared, Armaan. I won't lie.
Things between us had also gotten bad. There were a few times when you held me too tight, but you'd never caused me to bleed. Ever. And yes, you punished yourself every time too, and it scared me, but… What Sid did. I was so afraid, Armaan. Sometimes I felt like I would die from that fear. And the a taunts and humiliation didn't make anything easy. I dreaded being in his presence, but we had to play the happy couple in front of everyone else, so we did.
And then, Papa sent us on a honeymoon so that we could get to know each other better. That's when things started getting a little bit better, but when we came back, I found out that Sid had never even told his mother that he'd gotten married. He made me lie to her for weeks, Armaan. He told her I was his friend's wife and I was living with him because I was fighting with my husband. And I went along with it because he was my husband and I had to keep him happy. That's around the time you came back as well, and then… Well you know how it went.
I convinced myself that I liked Sid so that my life could be better. At one point I tried to convince myself that I loved him too. That I was in love with him, but I never could. I still pretended though. And I got so good that he didn't realize. Not at first. Actually, neither of us did. You were the glue holding our relationship together, Armaan. And when you weren't there, we fell apart so quickly.
I suggested the annulment a few months after you left, and Sid agreed. Papa didn't. He never had, whenever either of us had suggested a separation in the past. I always gave in when he intervened, but not then. I was tired of living a lie, of pretending to be happy in a marriage I had never wanted in the first place.
But more than that, I was tired of lying to myself, thinking I could be happy in a marriage with anyone but you. I was tired of disappointing Sid, too. He had wanted to move forward in our relationship, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was just so miserable every single day. I used to look forward to going to the hospital for some peace. I started taking extra work, getting into research, making more rounds, attending more patients. Work became my escape. And slowly, it became my life.
When Sid saw I was serious about separating, that I would never take an effort to make the relationship work, he agreed. He'd wanted a divorce, but I insisted on an annulment because I went into the relationship for all the wrong reasons. My lawyer agreed. It took a while, but I was able to get what I wanted. And yes, it made things tense with Papa, even with Abhi for a while, and with Nikki worse than they were… But I was so proud of myself. I still am.
I took charge of my life for the first time and did what I wanted, what I needed. And it felt so good. I'm glad I did. With time… I was able to forget it all too, because I was so happy in my new life. Sid and I even became friends, but recently… Well, let's just say he wasn't the person I thought he was. Turns out, deep inside he's still that selfish man-child who only cares about himself. I don't want that kind of person in my life. Neither should Tamanna."
"What… What did he do?" Armaan asked. At Riddhima's confused look, he clarified. "To make you realize he hadn't changed… What did he do?"
Riddhima stopped short at that. It wasn't her story to tell. She shouldn't tell him. "I can't… I can't tell you," she murmured.
"Basket… You can trust me," Armaan coaxed.
"I know," Riddhima replied. "I do," she corrected herself. "But this isn't about me. Nikki doesn't want me to…" She trailed off, realizing her mistake.
"Nikki?" Armaan questioned. "She doesn't want me to know what?"
And then suddenly, it was clear. He'd seen Riddhima & Sid drift apart around the exact same time that he'd told Nikki about the letters. "Sid hid my letters," he stated, more fact than question.
When Riddhima didn't say anything, he gently probed her. "He did, didn't he?"
"He did," Riddhima agreed. There was no point in denying it when he knew. "Sid moved into Abhi & Nikki's old apartment after our separation. By the time your letters started arriving, he was the one living there. He hid them because he didn't want you to come back. He didn't want you to know that we'd separated because he was harbouring hope that I'd give him another chance. And when I found out about it, he didn't even feel guilty about what he'd done. He only felt guilty that he was caught. He even tried to force me to forgive him. After that, whatever tatters remained of our relationship were unsalvageable too. I won't forgive him for this, Armaan. Not ever. He can behave anyway he wants with me, but what he did to you and Nikki… He kept you away from all of us for years. He knew how much all of us missed you and he had those letters just lying around and didn't say a word. It just makes me so mad!"
She threw her hands up in frustration. Armaan caught them and placed a kiss on her palm. "You're going to be fine. You don't need Sid. You'll be much happier without him."
"I will," Riddhima agreed, settling into his arms once more.
"You're so brave. You're a warrior. I'm so proud of you, Basket. You deserved so much better from everyone. From me, from your parents, from your friends, definitely from Sid. I'm so sorry you had to fight this battle alone. I'm so sorry I wasn't there by your side. And I'm so, so, so sorry about the part I played in everything. I should have done better. I shouldn't have lied to you. I shouldn't have blamed you for marrying someone else. I shouldn't have pushed you into making up with Sid. I just… I thought I was doing the right thing in getting you and Sid together. I thought he loved you and he'd keep you happy. I thought you might grow to love him too. I'm sorry I didn't see him clearly. I'm so sorry for everything," he whispered into her hair.
"You will never ever have to go through something like that again," he promised. "You will never have to live in fear. Not of anything. I promise, Basket. I'll always be there for you. I'll always protect you. You will not know anything but happiness for the rest of your days. You don't have to worry now. I got you. Always."
Riddhima pushed herself closer to him. She felt so much lighter that he knew, and that he was still there despite everything. That he chose to stay even after he knew what a mess she was. "I love you," she mumbled. "I love you so much. I can't live without you. Please don't leave me."
"I won't," Armaan promised. And she believed him. For the first time since the day Riddhima woke up after the shoot-out, she finally felt like she could breathe. Life wasn't so bad. Not anymore.
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