Through The Eyes Of
Innocence
"Faith can be very very dangerous, and deliberately to
implant it into the vulnerable mind of an innocent child is a grievous wrong."
Richard
Dawkins, The God Delusion
"Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with
acceptance can there be recovery."
J.K.
Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet
of Fire
She wakes up to
the sounds of a little ruckus in the kitchen downstairs.
It disturbs her
sleep somehow and she manages to move the pair of arms settled around her waist
as she groggily makes way to the bathroom once she's on her feet.
Rubbing her
eyes, once she's found her bearings she glances at the wall clock and to her
surprise finds it's almost 12'o clock. Her sleep addled brain suddenly
remembers that she had woken up thanks to the sounds of some commotion coming
from the kitchen downstairs and it strikes her there could be a robbery perhaps
happening in the house. She's read and heard about some gang breaking and
entering homes, wiping the place clean after dowsing the entire family with a dose
of chloroform; lately in Delhi.
Fear grips her
thundering heart, what if they're here. The noise she heard has came due to
them. No, she must not let it happen. She must protect her home and family. She
won't allow anyone to rob her home and get away with it.
Mind made up,
fear pushed aside she slowly opens the door to the bedroom and walks downstairs
to check first. If there is indeed a robbery happening she's gonna make so much
noise that it would awake the entire society, but she better be sure first
before disturbing everyone and interrupting their peaceful slumber.
She lightly
takes small steps on the staircase leading her downstairs as her eyes adjust
better to the lights on in the kitchen area and the aroma of heated up biryani
wafts through the air hitting her senses.
Her mouth waters
immediately as her stomach rumbles recalling the delicious biryani she had had
during dinner. The lights assuring her that her home is safe, since no thief
would risk getting caught even if only stealing food by making sure he's
visible by turning on the lights himself.
Taking baby
steps she's almost down the stairs when her eyes fall at the sight before her
at the dining table besides the kitchen.
Spread across
the table that had been cleared after dinner immediately are heated leftovers
from earlier tonight as well as the cutlery and a jar of water along with the
two inhabitants who are currently occupying the seats in front of her,
currently unaware of her presence with their backs to her.
"You shouldn't
have stayed up hungry waiting for me to arrive to have your dinner Raman."
"Didn't know
there are supposed to be different rules for the two of us now. Did I? "
"There's nothing
like that."
"Then why are
you complaining? Didn't you wait up for me, heat up our dinner, serve me and
accompany me when I came late from office or some meeting or conferences
before? Did you ever hear me complain about it?"
"Yes, you would ask
me a hundred questions,
if I have had anything to not faint on you after you learned during our first Navratri
that I'm not supposed to go hungry and must have something to eat every 2
hours."
Her papa makes a
face at that but continues anyways,
"That's for your
health Madrasan, I'm not a delicate little darling like you. I can go hungry
for one night when you are once again playing superheroine to rescue the
world."
The woman who is
seated in front of her father, who's called Ishimaa by her Adi bhaiyya and Ruhi
didi, whom she had addressed with the same moniker too a few weeks back and who
has suddenly become the one person she sees her papa can't do without, pouts at that.
"I was not
playing superheroine Raman. I was just helping out a poor woman who happens to
be our employee by the way, when the poor thing went into premature labor at
work and needed immediate hospitalization and stayed behind in the hospital
until her husband who had no idea this might happen during the one emergency
trip he had to make to visit his ailing grandfather came along. She was so
scared Raman and while I wasn't family or friends but I was a woman she had
known for these few days, these three weeks that I have been attending office
in your stead and having a familiar face in such a situation is comforting to
any woman."
"Yes and the
only familiar comforting face she could find in the office of at least 200 hundred
other employees just happened to be yours isn't it?"
"I was
accompanied by our driver and two other women from our office and had help from
a few employees to help me get her in our car Raman I wasn't alone. And
I wasn't panicking like the others."
"Why do I even
ask knowing you is beyond me?"
She hears her
papa complaining as he shakes his head.
"What should I
have done Raman? Just let someone take her to a hospital and be done with it?
You know a woman needs to be assured she's gonna be fine at such a time in her
life don't you? And how was I supposed to not care? If something had happened
to the poor thing and her child along the way wouldn't it have been a bad
reflection on your company and you? I was representing you at the office and
couldn't let your name be spoiled by being careless or selfish now could I?"
She sees her
father serving himself as well as that woman even as they talk while he fills
up their plate. Their plate. It is then that it hits her why her papa
isn't sitting at his usual place where he does when he's at home during
breakfast or dinners mostly but during all the meal times these days, these
past three weeks that he's been staying home with her, looking after her and
tending to her every need. Her papa who was always so loving and caring, who
loves her the best and whom she loves the most had always been her hero, he
never denied her anything who changed after this woman came into their lives
has changed once again and she doesn't know how to feel about it.
She's enjoying
this phase she realizes. Her papa though always there for her had never been so
involved in her day to day activities as he is now. Before he used to be so
busy all the time, off to meetings and office as well as his business trips
that were usual for him and which almost always lasted a week if not more
hasn't so much as been out of her sight these days whenever she's been at home.
He's woken her
up and put her to sleep, dressed her and bathed her, fed her and packed her
school bag as well as lunch boxes and water bottle. The only one thing he's not
yet quite managed to get
a hang off is making her plaits. The first time he tried she had looked like
something straight out of a circus in her opinion with one of her plaits
starting a bit higher than the other as well as a little more thicker than it's
supposed twin too. The second day he had managed to make them as close to identical
as possible but they had opened up, being so loosely tied, even before she had stepped outside the
house.
The third day he
had simply given up and like the first two days she had someone or the other
help her hair. It was either Ruhi didi, her daadi, Simi bua or Mihika chachi
whom she allowed to do her hair but never that aunty who had offered and whom
she had rudely rebuffed on that fourth or fifth day. She hadn't tried again to
volunteer to help, though she was always looking at her tenderly.
She watches as
her papa feeds the woman a spoonful of biryani from their plate to stop her
from talking about something, as he did with her too when she wouldn't eat and
ramble on and scrunched her nose in anger. How can papa share this with someone
else but her? She's about to walk up to them and ask her papa, rudely at that,
as she's been doing
lately as instructed by her mama when she stops midway watching how the woman
wipes the corner of her papa' mouth that had been smeared with a little bit of Dahi
Raita, he loves having
with this particular biryani and then her papa doing something she had never
seen him do with anyone. He lightly bit her fingers and when she yelped,
jumping in her place because of the pain her papa had immediately sucked her
fingers, soothing the spot he had earlier hurt.
"Raman what are
you doing? What if someone comes along and sees us?"
Ruhi didi's
Ishimaa had complained, withdrawing her hand from the grip of her papa' who
hadn't allowed her to take it back as he held her hand in a split second.
"Who would watch
us we are all alone and so what even if someone did huh? We're not committing any crime here are
we?"
The woman had
smiled, blushing furiously under her father's intent stare and shaken her head.
Her papa had
smiled then and pulled her close by using the very hand he had held captive with
his. When her face had been close to his, her papa had leaned into her and first
kissed her hand held in between them and then slowly moving it down even as he
held it in between them he had kissed her cheeks.
"Raman."
The woman had
softly called her papa as she put her arms around him and they had hugged
unaware of her presence in the room. And her papa had held her tightly as his
arms went around her too, while he hid his face in her hair.
"I used to miss
all of this so much Ishita. I missed you when you were gone. Our late night dinners,
talking to you about our day. I missed it all so very much."
Papa had
breathed into her hair.
Letting out a soft,
small sob on her papa' shoulders Ishimaa
had begun to cry then.
"I missed you
too and all of this so much Raman, all the time, all those days. I used to
think about you all the time. You, Ruhi, Adi and everyone. I... I used to wonder
about Pihu. Think how she must look like now, who would she resemble. I would
write in a little diary back in Australia about whatever I thought. How tall
Adi must have gotten, how if Ruhi had been with us she would have been doing
this and that and would be at the stage where she'd crossover and be a woman
almost. How Pihu must have taken her first step or started kindergarten. I used
to think what would I have gotten from you or given you as a gift on our
birthdays and anniversaries."
"I missed you
too. During all those milestones that Pihu had. Think about you when she took
her first step or spoke her first word, on her first day at school and when she
first started teething. I knew you would have gotten a kick out of that."
Ruhi didi and
Adi Bhaiyya' Ishimaa had lightly hit her papa on the shoulder with her free
hand then, smiling even as she cried.
"I realized all
of this meant so much and yet nothing without you. I couldn't celebrate her
birthdays or Adi', mine without you by our sides. I couldn't go on without you
Ishita."
Her papa had
cried then, tears falling down his face even as he closed his eyes and tried to
contain the tears that clung to his lashes stubbornly before giving up the
battle of holding on and slid away onto his face. She had never seen her papa
cry, never seen him so hurt and small as if he had withdrawn into himself and was
about to launch herself at him unable to see him weep when Ishita aunty had
wiped his tears away, kissing his forehead as she enclosed her arms around him,
shushing papa as she rocked him in her arms, patting his shoulders and soothing
him by running her hand over the back of his head. Her papa who was the
strongest and the fiercest man she knew, who could never ever, ever lose or be
scared of anything clung on Ishita aunty like he would never let her go, like
she was his lifeline and without her he would be lost and alone.
"I wanted to
come back to you, to everyone so much every day always, think about it daily."
Ishita aunty
spoke into his hair and her papa had wrenched free of her hold as he held her
shoulders.
"Then why didn't
you? Why couldn't you?"
"I was scared."
"Of what? Me?"
"No, not you,
never you, I can never be afraid of you; you know that Raman."
"Then what were
you afraid of Ishita?"
"Your words."
She whispered
the answer timidly, repeating them softly once again so that there was no chance
of her not overhearing it.
"Your words
Raman."
Her papa had
released his hold on her then, looking away from her for a moment as he seemed
to be lost in his head thinking about something.
Looking back at
her with tears in his own eyes, he held her hands with his as he brought them
close to his heart and placed a little kiss over them. Crying and shedding his own tears over their
joined hands.
"I told you that
I hate you... Once you came back. After I saw you again and thought you had left
me alone. Had been happy all these years while I rotted in misery, died a
little every day because I lost you and Ruhi. I wanted to believe that I was
the only one wronged and who suffered. I wanted to punish you for all those days
and nights when I missed having you around and because I lost Ruhi. But you
want to know what the truth is Ishita? Want to know what I felt when I knew you
were alive and I first saw you again?"
"What?"
The word was
whispered so softly, so quietly it might have been mistaken for merely a gush
of wind if it hadn't been so quiet around the living room.
"That I love
you, I still love you so much that it hurts. It hurt to know that you stayed
away from me when all I wanted was you in this whole world. When all I needed
to live, not survive was you and you stayed away knowing everything from me. I
wanted to hurt you like you hurt me by not coming back to me."
"Raman..."
"I told you that
I hate you when the truth is that I can never stop loving you and the only
person I knew I had to blame for what we lost is me. I cursed that day in my
head, in my heart and from the bottom of my soul because of two things everyday
for these years Ishita. For losing Ruhi and for telling you all those things
that I knew would hurt you more than everything else in this world. I... I was in
pain because I couldn't save Ruhi and I wanted to lessen it, to stop hurting
and I wanted you to hurt the same way I was because in my head you couldn't
possibly be as hurt as much as I was, you hadn't held Ruhi when she was just a
few minutes old. You hadn't seen her grow up in the first few years of her life
and you had no idea what I must be going through. But I forgot, I forgot in the
pain that I was in, that none of that matters. None of it ever mattered when it
was the two of you. Yes, Ruhi was born to another woman, but the only mother
she ever had, the only mother she ever loved is you and you have loved her more
than that woman who is only her mother by blood could ever have.
I kept thinking
that if I repeated it enough then I would start believing it too, but I can't...
can't stop loving you. The more I tried to hate you, the more I ended up hating
myself for driving you away."
"Raman...it would
be a lie if I said it didn't hurt. Because it did, still does. But I know that
I deserved your anger and frustration, your hate when I came back. I don't know
if you remember that night or not but I clearly do, the night we met in the
police station. We were together before that. You were so drunk and you thought
you were hallucinating about me and I don't want to think about that night if I
have to be honest with you here which I want to be. You were talking about feeling
all alone and abandoned by me. I saw you hurting and it killed me Raman that I
had to watch you in that state. That I was causing you so much pain. I thought
for a minute then that I should be back and come home to you, I... I wanted
nothing more than to be with you again, but I was scared, so scared of your
rejection and I thought you had moved on, I didn't want to ruin your life
again, I assumed you were again married to."
She was cut off
before she could finish.
"I would have
ruined my life again had I done that, I know I almost did take that step but it
was because I thought you were already over me, with... Thank goodness for once
Romi didn't mess up something he was supposed to do... I don't want to even think
about it."
She watched her
papa shudder closing his eyes for a few seconds there.
"That idiot had
his timing right for once, bless him."
And she had
heard Ishimaa chuckling at that,
"You're
impossible Raman, you can't even praise your brother without calling him an idiot
or something can you?"
And she had seen
her papa light up with a twinkle in his eyes as he laughed softly,
"Can't help it
now can I? Besides that if I become too soft how would I live up to the name
that you gave me?"
"So you still
call people names because I gave you a name and you want to live up to it? Is
that what you're telling me here?"
"Madam, you do
realize Raavan Kumar is a name that not everyone in this world can carry right?
You have to have that panache, that devil may care attitude and most importantly
a wife who could make her husband feel so lucky."
They had laughed
at that softly and then stopped simply looking at each other.
She saw papa
then gently run his hand through Ishimaa' hair as he tucked them behind her ear
as she leaned into his touch, resting the curve of her cheek in papa' palm.
Smiling at
Ishimaa, papa had run his thumb over her cheek first and then on her lips
making Ishimaa shudder.
"Raman..."
"Why are we
wasting our time Ishita? Why should we anymore than we already have? Isn't it
enough to last us a lifetime now? I have had enough."
"I... I understand
Raman but... Pihu? You know she still.."
"Shh.. I know
that but I'm tired of keeping our lives on hold Ishita, tell me aren't you?
Don't you need me the way that I need you? Don't you love
me anymore like you used to, like I still do."
It was so
strange, so strange she thought as she heard her papa say those words. Her papa
as far as she knew never needed anyone, never requested anyone for anything -
he ordered, he commanded but he never really had to request or ask but he did.
Why?
What was about
this woman that changed her papa so much, so completely? Why did he allow it?
How did she make it happen?
"You know the
answer to that already."
"Maybe I just want to hear it from you."
"I need you Raman. I love you, I love you more than anything
in this world."
She had told papa who had the brightest smile she had
ever seen on his face as he heard that and pulled Ishimaa in his arms as he
stood up, their arms around each other, her head on papa' shoulder they had
stood lost in the embrace, unaware of everything else.
She was
wondering about these questions when she heard the scrapping of chairs on the
floor and moved two steps up into the darkness as she saw the adults
parted and moving. Their hands held, watching them carefully as she
made sure that they couldn't look at her through the cover of darkness.
"Raman why aren't
we heading towards our room?"
"Because
Ishimaa, Raman mama has tucked all our little ones into bed in our room."
"What?"
She has heard
Ishimaa' startled chuckle as she came to a halt.
So her papa had
turned around still holding hands with Ishimaa and smiled at her.
"You put me up
to this right? This whole Raman papa be mama thing? To tell you the truth, I
didn't think I would enjoy this as much as I am. I got to spend so much time
with all my kids. And I didn't realize how much I missed all of this until now...
But today was the best day of them all."
Her papa
finished with a smile.
"What happened
today?"
"Today after
dinner when I was tucking Pihu into bed, Ruhi and Adi suddenly came to our room
and do you know what they asked?"
"What?"
"They asked me
papa don't you love us? Aren't we your kids like Pihu?"
"Why would they
say that?"
"I asked them
that too and they said that I was only taking care of Pihu and not them."
"You're kidding
me."
"Absolutely not
and then they asked me to prove it to them that I love them by telling them a
bedtime story and tucking them into bed and before I knew it they were in our
bed, the only one big enough in the house to fit them all. So right now Pihu is
tucked in bed with Adi and Ruhi on either side of her. And I read
them a story and put them to bed like they asked me too, it's been so long since I put Ruhi and
Adi to bed, I forgot how it felt, how they looked while sleeping and I ended up
admiring them for half an hour before I knew it. They look so cute when they're
sleeping."
"It sounds so beautiful."
"It was."
Ishimaa launched
herself in papa' arms and he held her.
"Thank you for
sharing this with me." She told him.
"And thank you
for coming up with this idea in the first place."
"I want to look
at them but I'm scared of waking them up if I go to look at them."
"Look at them
later all you want, right now..."
"Hmm?"
"Right now let
them sleep and you come with me."
"Raman.."
"Shh.. No more
talking now, let's go."
"Are we going to
be in Adi' bedroom?"
Papa had
scrunched his face at that.
"Of course not
you crazy Madrasan, in our son' bed? I'm open minded, but I'm not that open
minded alright?"
Papa had
shuddered and was hit by Ishimaa on his shoulder then.
"You... you dirty
minded man. How can you make anything so dirty? I simply wanted to know where
we'll sleep."
"Who said
anything about sleeping though? All I said was come with me, we're going to bed, but I don't want to sleep
Ishita, not tonight."
"Raman..."
She saw Ishimaa
blush then, her eyes downcast as her papa whispered something in her ear that
had her smiling and blushing even more.
"Now come with
me to the guest room."
The guest room,
that's what her mama' room has become since her marriage a month ago. She saw
papa leading Ruhi didi's Ishimaa by hand to the room that belongs to her mama
when she decided to follow them and stop that woman from using anything that
belongs to her mama when she was stopped.
She saw the door
to the room shut with a soft click and turned around to see Ruhi didi's hand on
her shoulder.
"Pihu, come with
me."
"But Ruhi didi
they're going in my mama' room. It's not a guest room, it's my mama's."
"I know that,
but please listen to me."
And so holding
hands the sisters went to sit at the very spots occupied by their parents a
while back.
Pihu occupying
the seat vacated by their father and Ruhi the one by their mother.
"Pihu I know you
love Shagun mama a lot, and that you miss her too. But if I ask you somethings
would you answer me honestly?"
"If you are
going to ask me to accept your Ishimaa then I won't listen to you too didi."
Pihu told her
elder sister gruffly but before she could move, she was held back by a loving
hand on her.
"I won't ask you
that, but I can talk to you about papa right?"
"What about
papa?"
"You love papa a
lot don't you?"
"Yes. I love him
so much."
Pihu had said sweetly opening up her arms the
furthest they would go, making her sister smile as she reminded Ruhi of a
similar situation where lodged in their papa' lap she had made the same gesture
years ago to get a video game from him.
"You like to see
papa happy then?"
"Yes, why
wouldn't I? I love papa so I want him to be happy always."
"And you like
papa spending time with you? Getting you ready and waiting for you to come home
right, when you come back from school?"
"Yes."
"Then tell me
something Pihu.."
"What?"
"Did papa ever
do all of these things before for you?"
"What do you
mean Ruhi didi? Papa loves me so much he always takes care of me."
""I didn't mean
to say papa doesn't love you princess or that he doesn't take care of you, of
course he would, he loves Pihu too. What I'm asking is did you ever see papa do
these things that he does now for you?"
"No, papa would
be busy with office so how could he take care of me all the time like he does
now? He's at home nowadays so he does."
"And do you know
why papa is home these days?"
"Because your
Ishimaa goes to office?"
"Yes, but also
because he wants to spend time with you princess, because he loves you and Ishimaa
is going to office so that papa can be with Pihu.
Ishimaa loves
Pihu too."
"But I don't
love her."
Pihu spoke
defiantly but not with the same anger and fire in her words as when she first
began to wage a war against Ishimaa Ruhi noticed.
"Alright Pihu,
but can you please answer me something truthfully if I ask you some questions?"
"Okay." The
little girl had spoken softly subdued by the calm manner of the sister she had
grown to love.
"You have been
here for all this time when I wasn't. So only you could know things that I am
about to ask you and I don't want you to hold back on anything when I ask you
something. Alright? Is that a deal?"
"Alright I will tell
you everything didi."
"That's like a
good girl. Now Pihu I know papa is very hotheaded, he gets so mad so easily and
starts yelling at everyone doesn't he?"
"Yes he does
Ruhi didi, but papa would never be angry with me, but he would get angry with
everyone and sometimes he would slap Adi bhaiyya too. Adi bhaiyya used to feel
so sad and upset when papa scolded him or got so mad at him that he would slap
bhaiyya. So I used to scold papa if he hurt my Adi bhaiyya."
The older sister
smiled down at her sibling, feeling proud of her little tigress being
protective about their loving and sweet brother, so much like their Ishimaa,
Ruhi muses though she doesn't know yet.
"That's
wonderful Pihu, I'm so proud of you for looking after Adi bhaiyya. He's the
best. Papa can scold him but not be so angry at him that he slaps him."
The little girl
had puffed out her chest delighted with the praise from her older sister.
"I know Ruhi
didi I don't like it when papa gets angry and shouts at Adi bhaiyya too."
"But he loves
Adi bhaiyya too you know just as much as he loves us."
"I know that but
I still don't like to see papa scold bhaiyya."
"And have you
seen papa scold Adi bhaiyya nowadays?"
"No. Papa
doesn't scold bhaiyya these days. He even put him to bed today with us."
"I know. Adi
bhaiyya was so happy right?"
"He was."
"And do you know
why papa isn't scolding Adi bhaiyya or anyone these days? Have you noticed?"
"I have noticed
papa is happy these days so he doesn't get angry at anyone and doesn't scold
anyone."
"Now tell me
Pihu have you ever seen papa so happy?"
"Yes, whenever I
come first in my class papa gets happy."
Ruhi had smiled
indulgently at the little one then and run a fond hand over her cheek.
"Pihu but did
papa stay happy all the time? Even when you didn't have exams and announce that
you came first?"
"No."
The little girl
had replied after pondering a little over the question.
"Now I know Pihu
you saw papa and Ishimaa talking now, you heard everything. Didn't you?"
"I did, papa was hugging and kissing your Ishimaa and
she did too. I didn't like it. No one can hug or kiss my papa but me."
Holding Pihu' hand softly Ruhi dropped a little kiss
on the back of her hand as she pulled her sister in a hug.
"You know I love you so much right?"
The older sister asked.
"I love you too Ruhi didi."
The child replied immediately brightening up, hugging
her sister as she dropped a wet kiss on her cheek.
Laughing at her antics Ruhi wiped her face when she
began again,
"See we just hugged and kissed right because we love
each other? Papa wouldn't mind if you hugged or kissed me or I you now, would
he?"
"No papa knows that I love you so much and that you
love me too. He has asked me to stay away from strangers but you aren't one,
you're my didi."
"Then it means that people who love each other can and
do hug and kiss right?"
"Yes. I hug and kiss papa, bua, dadu, daadi, Adi
bhaiyya and mama too."
"Do you now see why papa and Ishimaa were hugging and
kissing?"
The little girl immediately lost the twinkle in her
eyes and stood up intending to leave, making the older one stand up too.
"I don't like your Ishimaa Ruhi didi and I don't like
what you are saying. Papa can't love her."
Understanding that this needed patience and careful
tact, Ruhi changed tactics.
"Okay Pihu I won't talk about Ishimaa but can I talk
to you about Shagun mama?"
Calming down at the prospect her junior turned around
and stood her ground but didn't respond.
"Pihu Shagun mama loves you so much right?"
"Mama loves me the most."
The little girl spoke up but didn't lose her rigid
stance.
"So she hugged and kissed you?"
"Yes."
"Pihu can you tell me something then?"
"What?"
"Did you ever see papa hug Shagun mama? Hear them say
that they love each other?"
Pihu opened her mouth to say something but realised
that she had never seen papa and mama behave like the way papa and Ruhi didi's
Ishimaa did. They never talked much, let alone hug or say that they love each
other. Her papa and mama didn't even share a room, but she knew mamas and papas
were supposed to.
Understanding her silence, Ruhi gently held Pihu by
her hand and made her sit back again, putting an arm around her shoulders.
"Pihu, I know why you are so quiet. The answer is no,
isn't it?"
With a sad, little face the girl had nodded her head.
"Do you understand what this means Pihu?"
Ruhi had hated pushing her little sister like this
however she knew that she had to do it.
"That papa doesn't love Shagun mama."
Pihu had whispered softly, with a dejected look on her
face, her body hunched over herself. Ruhi understood that this must be so hard
for Pihu however she had to egg her on a little more if it meant that Pihu
would understand the most important truth about her life. Even if not
immediately. She has to know she's Ishimaa' daughter someday and she was borne out
of love that her parents shared, the love that she has witnessed tonight.
The little girl had turned to her then and asked her a
question she wasn't sure how to answer.
"But why doesn't papa love mama Ruhi didi? Papas are
supposed to love mamas. The papas of all my friends love their mamas."
How could she explain to Pihu what was the history
shared among the people whom she wishes were in love without traumatising the
child Ruhi wondered. How do you tell a child her mother's not the woman she
thinks her to be and there's a whole baggage that she has no idea about with a
murky past and sordid realities.
Luckily for her, the one person in the world who could
understand this as well as her came to her rescue as she saw the tall figure of
her Adi bhaiyya crouching down besides them as he went on his knees in front of
Pihu.
"Because Shagun mama isn't papa's special person
Pihu."
"But mama is special she loves us so much Adi
bhaiyya." The little girl protested with a whimper.
"Sssh, Pihu please don't cry. Of course mama is
special, everyone's mama is special but I am not talking about mama being
special for us, her kids but for papa. That's a different kind of special."
"Different how?"
The child had asked instantly making the older
siblings exchange a look as the brother looked away his eyes then falling on
the picture of his grandparents, as he found his answer.
"A different kind of special as in, how daadi is
special to dadu. Dadu loves all of us so much doesn't he? He loves papa, bua,
chachu, Ruhi, you and me, everyone of us. But he loves daadi the most. Because
she's his special person, the one person in this world with whom he can be the
happiest, saddest and fight with the most. She's the one person who cares about
him more than all of us."
"But mama cares about everyone including papa Adi
bhaiyya."
Closing his eyes, breathing deeply for a moment Adi
looked at his youngest sister as he tried to explain her to why the people who
gave birth to him aren't soulmates.
"She does Pihu, but have you seen papa ever cry or
smile with mama the way he does with Ishimaa? Have you seen him smile like that
when Shagun mama was around like he does when he's with Ishimaa? The point
isn't whether mama is special or she cares or not Pihu, it is if she's the one
special person who's makes papa the happiest he can be and who makes him smile,
who's the one person in front of whom papa can cry if he's upset or sad or be
mad at if he's unhappy."
"So your Ishimaa is papa' special person but mama
isn't?"
Adi so wanted to tell his sister she's your Ishimaa
too, more than she's mine or Ruhi's in that moment, for you are a part of her,
her flesh and blood but held back.
"Yes Pihu she is and Shagun mama isn't. If she had
been she wouldn't have been married to Mani uncle today now would she have
been?"
"She had to marry Mani uncle though Adi bhaiyya!" The
little girl cried out in anguish,
"Your Ishimaa made her marry him. She made mama go
away then why are you not mad at her? She's your mama too right? Mamas and
papas are supposed to be together forever and married to each other but she
made mama marry that uncle, she didn't allow mama to marry papa. She threw our
mama out, so I'm fighting for her. I'm mama's little soldier."
The words came rushing out of the child as she
couldn't hold back any longer, making the older siblings aware that there's a lot
more than meets the eye involved here.
Taking over from her brother, Ruhi crouched down
besides him as she asked Pihu softly the same question that was on her
brother's mind.
"Pihu why would you say that? Who told you that
Ishimaa made Shagun mama marry Mani uncle to throw her out?"
"Mama did, she told me that your Ishimaa is a very bad
person and she separated mama from papa and everyone here. She made mama marry
and go away. Now she wants to separate me from papa too. But I won't let her
win. I would live with mama. Mama has told me to fight for her so much that we
can live together forever."
Adi asked Pihu sombrely after having exchanged a look
with Ruhi, in whose eyes he could see the same turmoil and hurt reflected as
his. Keeping an arm around her, as he placed his other hand on the shoulder of
his baby sister.
"Do you trust us Pihu? Your Ruhi didi and Adi
bhaiyya?"
"Yes bhaiyya, but why are you asking me that?"
"Because I want you to understand somethings Pihu and
I want you to trust us, to know that we are going to ask something of you which
we hope you would understand and accept."
"What Adi bhaiyya?"
For a moment he simply wanted to blurt out the truth about
the woman who happens to be Ruhi and his biological mother, the one Pihu
thought of as her own too but stopped himself knowing that it's not something that
Pihu would simply come to understand and accept.
"Pihu, I.. We want you to not hurt our Ishimaa in
anyway whatsoever please. Don't talk rudely to her or behave like you do with
her. She's our mother and we love her a lot, like we love you. When you hurt
her, when she cries we don't like it and papa doesn't either. He cries too when
Ishimaa does. Do you want papa to cry? Do you think we like to see our mother
hurt? I know you love us a lot Pihu, papa, me and Ruhi didi. For our sake can
you please be nice to Ishimaa, please Pihu?"
He begged desperately for his mother, the woman he
knows he owes so much more than he could ever put into words. Ishimaa isn't the
mother who bore him for nine months but he's here today thanks to her and not
just because she risked her life time and again for saving him and their
family, by once losing her unborn child picking him and Ruhi over it or by
jumping into fire literally for him. No, he owes her his sanity, his peace of
mind, he owes it to her that today he understands what's love really when he
had believed it to be only mindless pampering once.
Had it been another woman, the perennial incarnation
of the wicked stepmother of many a tales in the flesh, he might not have been here
in the comfort of his home and basked in the love of his family, he might still
have been stuck somewhere on those streets perhaps where he had ended up that
night as the woman who birthed him found herself in a pile of trash after being
unceremoniously dumped by the man for whom she had left and hurt his father.
He owes his Ishimaa, the presence of the most
important man in his life, his papa, who's love he never would have found or understood
had she been not supportive of papa and forgiven him time and again for all the
pain he put her through. Any other woman might have had asked her husband to drop
off his disobedient, wayward son from his ex-wife in some hostel or pay her
child maintenance and gotten him out of her hair, but his Ishimaa hadn't
resorted to any such means. She had given him time and understanding, accepted
him for who he is and loved him unconditionally.
If this is something he can do for her, make sure her
own daughter doesn't disrespect her, he would consider that he could finally
pay her back albeit just an ounce of what he owes her and it would be more than
he could define.
When Pihu looked from Ruhi to him and stayed silent,
he began to lose heart and hope, for he knew where she was coming from. His
mother is back to her old ways and the hurt he feels watching his innocent
little sister be a pawn, much like he was, a reflection of his past and his
mother's deeds; is too much to put into words. For he knows exactly what kind
of a turmoil Pihu finds herself in. The loyalty she feels she owes wrestling
with the love he knows she must feel from Ishimaa for her too, and the love she
holds for them - papa, Ruhi and him.
He's about to turn to Ruhi to ask her to take Pihu to
bed when she speaks up and his heart soars with relief.
"Okay Adi bhaiyya I won't be mean to your Ishimaa. I
will behave nicely with her. I don't want papa to cry. I don't want you and
Ruhi didi to think that I'm a bad girl. You won't be angry with me or hate me
now, will you? You, Ruhi didi or papa?"
His sister had finished, murmuring as she looked up at
her older siblings, tears ready to spill from her eyes as they shone, making
his and Ruhi' heart go out to the child as they engulfed her in the fiercest of
bear hugs.
"Of course not Pihu. We can never hate you my little
baby, you're our princess aren't you? We all love you so much. We can never
hate you."
"Promise Adi bhaiyya?"
"Of course we promise." He had assured Pihu with a
kiss on her cheek, wiping away tears from her eyes.
"Now come on time for you to get some sleep."
He told the little girl with a smile, ruffling her
hair as he did so, picking her up in his arms and setting her down on her feet
as he watched her walk up the stairs to their parents' room as he and Ruhi
watched her, Ruhi promising Pihu she'd join her shortly.
"Adi bhaiyya."
Ruhi had turned to him immediately as Pihu was out of earshot.
"I wish I could have said that I'm surprised but I'm
not. I should know this better than anyone else how Shagun mama can manipulate
and brainwash. I have been there where Pihu is today."
"It means that Ishimaa might have been kidnapped by
Shagun mama too. She had her goons try and kill her Adi bhaiyya how could she?
I know what she is, we know that or at least I thought we did. Manipulating a
child, playing games was always her thing but kidnapping and attempt to murder
too now?"
"Have you forgotten Ruhi she had planned to kidnap us
on that day when she left me alone to die in the fire? When that earthquake
happened, she ran away to save herself and left us to die."
Ruhi quavered then, recalling the moments of sheer
terror and panic that she lived that day. Watching her unconscious brother
trapped in the middle of fire, the cries for help she had yelled that day,
watching her Ishimaa jump in the fire to save Adi bhaiyya even as she pleaded
with strangers to take her to safety after their own mother had abandoned them
to die. Losing Ishimaa in the rubble of the building that had came crashing
down on her, finally finding her with papa only to discover she's unresponsive
and the sheer fright of thinking that they had lost her forever. Her papa who
was always yelling at or fighting with or showing his bravado to Ishimaa, had
been so terror striken that she can never forget his tears and his desperate
pleas to Ishimaa asking her to wake up.
The moments flashing in front of her eyes as if she
had lived them all over again.
She had shivered when Adi bhaiyya had put his arms
around her, watching her plight.
"We have to tell papa and everyone what we learned Adi
bhaiyya. We have to let them know what Pihu told us."
"We will Ruhi we will. Shagun mama has toyed with us,
but we won't allow her to use Pihu like she used us. We will protect our sister,
like Ishimaa and papa protected us."
He told his frightened sister, his chin on the top of
her head as he hugged her to himself.
As the older siblings, cried holding onto each other,
the youngest one who was in her papa' bed wondered why was it that her mama
said those things and if she did and is right, why did Adi bhaiyya say everyone
loves his Ishimaa.
She recalled how Adi bhaiyya said that like daadi is
special for dadu, Ishimaa is special for papa, because she made him happy and
smile. Papa never smiled, was never happy before Ruhi didi came or so she had
thought, but Ruhi didi hadn't come alone, she had come after the game papa had
played with Ishimaa. The game which required them to share a room like mama and
papa.
She wondered then, did Ishimaa make papa happy, make
him smile?
Her thoughts wandered to the moments she had witnessed
in the living room when papa or Ishimaa hadn't known she was standing there listening
to and watching them.
They had talked about her she remembered. Even
Ishimaa. She had thought about her for years, she had said but how could she
when they had never met before Pihu wondered.
Her tired eyes lost the battle against sleep when her
confused and overwhelmed mind was bombarded with the flashbacks of the things
she saw tonight, of the conversation she had with Ruhi didi and Adi bhaiyya as
she recalled Ruhi didi's story about how Ishimaa was her angel and thinking if
she was as bad as mama says she is then why did she never get angry at her or
tried to yell or hit her even though she had hurt her by throwing the
photoframe at her.
The last thought on her mind as sleep claimed her was
how could she have liked being hugged by someone who wasn't nice, if Ruhi
didi's Ishimaa was bad and how she had told papa she had liked being hugged by
her so much the day when they had first met and Ishimaa had saved her life
rushing to her and risking her own.
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