Posted:
This is based on the current track, with Nirmala and Ramnath's "reveal" and Shravan's reaction. I am getting really antsy waiting for the next few episodes, and this is something I want to happen...it won't but it'd be cool if it did. Do let me know what you guys think!
I come to a
standstill outside of his room, on any other occasion I would have walked right
in, without a second thought. But today I wondered if I had the right to,
so I knock on the door. Softly. He doesn't say anything, I know he is inside though, I had heard the sounds - things breaking, things hitting the floor and
his painful scream. I push the door open slowly and step inside, it seems like
a tornado had swept through the room and turned everything upside down. His
carefully kept books are littered on the floor, his lamp lays broken in the
middle of the room, the table in his seating area is flipped but that doesn't
bother me as much as the man sitting on the floor amidst all of it, he is
leaning against his bed, huddled into a ball, his knees against his chest and his
arms wrapped around his knees. He looks so small
all of a sudden, nothing like my towering best friend. His eyes are bloodshot,
his hair a mess and his expression vacant. My heart clenches painfully in my
chest at the sight.
I sigh and walk
towards him before sliding down right next to him so the sides of our bodies are
touching. He knows I am there, I can tell, his body moved ever so slightly when
I sat but he didn't say a word. He doesn't ask me to leave either, I thought he
would have, he doesn't yell or scream, he just sits there. I wish he said something but he doesn't.
"Shravan." I finally
say turning myself so I am sitting cross-legged facing the side of his
body. He doesn't reply, but I didn't
expect him to. I didn't really know what
to do, at one point I thought I knew him inside out, but now it doesn't seem like that anymore.
Sometimes I look at him and think that I know him better than anyone in the
world, and other times it's almost as if he's a complete stranger.
I
try so hard to read him, to figure out what's going on in that brain of his, I
want to ease the pain in those soulful brown eyes but I don't know how to go
about it. I want to know what keeps him up at night, what is he afraid of? What
does he want in life? What does he need? How do I help? He won't even admit
that he needs help, that he needs someone to help him ease the pain that burns
inside him like an everlasting fire. I want to help, so badly, but I don't know
how. What do I say? How do I get him to talk to me?
And
the sad thing is that even though I feel like I don't know him anymore, I know
that I am still the person that knows him best because he won't let anyone in.
Even now, I see past that brave facade, I see past those witty remarks and that
crooked smile, I see him. And what I
see right now hurts me.
I
see a man hardened by the adversities he's faced. I see a man that's so used to
being alone and shut off that he doesn't know how to open up anymore. I see a
man that who lost his mother and his best friend on the same day. I see a man
that ran away from the problems in his life and let them sit in the back of his
mind, they were always there because they were never dealt with.
I
also see a boy that held onto every
word his father said, a boy that didn't question anything. I see my best friend
in there, the one that genuinely smiled and shared his feelings, the one that
wasn't afraid to cry, and he's screaming at the top of his lungs right now
asking for help. I can hear him, but the man he's become won't let me in.
I
won't give up though. Not on him, never. I'll make him listen, I'll make him
deal with those skeletons in his closet that he wants to forget about. I want
to see nothing but happiness in those beautiful eyes of his, I want him to
believe in love again, to believe in women again and to believe his parents
again.
"Talk
to me Shravan, say something." I beg
him, it reminds me of that day again, the day he thought he had lost his father,
but this is somehow worse. "Shravan, please,
look at me." I say as I place both my hands on his face and force him to look
at me, I feel a stab of pain when he looked back at me with those eyes, they
were filled with tears, and betrayal. He tries to speak, but nothing leaves his
mouth. So I do what feels right, I pull him into a hug, it's awkward with the
way we're both sitting on the floor in front of his bed, but my arms go around
his neck and I can feel him burying his face into the crook of my neck as his
arms wrap around my waist, I can feel the tears streaming down his cheek as his
body shakes.
I
can feel the tears streaming down my own face as the events of the past week
catch up to me. His anger when he saw his mother, his anger at me for bringing
her, his refusal to talk to her. When he saw her with me he pulled me aside and
asked me what I was trying to do, he refused to see reason, to talk to her even
once so he could hear her side of the
story. He refused to talk to me too, but I was adamant.
And
then today happened, the four of us were in the same room - Shravan, his mom,
his dad and I. Shravan snapped at his mother, and when he turned to his dad, he
froze, because his dad was crying, not because of his wife but because of his own
mistakes. And the truth came out, it wasn't her fault or his fault alone, it
was both their faults - his dad had lied, he was insecure and drove his wife
away and tried to do everything in his power to keep his son from her. Shravan
was taken aback, of course he was, he had lived a lie for the past ten years,
he believed that his mother left him willingly and never looked back. I think
what bothered him the most about this situation was that his father had lied to
him, his father was the one person in the world who he loved without reason,
the only person that stayed by his side when his mother had left, when I had left him - who was he supposed to
believe now?
A
sob breaks out of his mouth and my heart feels heavy, his grip on me tightens
and I can feel the tears soaking through the shoulder of my shirt. My hands rub
soothing circles on his back, I don't know if it helps. I don't know what to
say to make it better so I don't say anything. I don't know why but I feel like
he hasn't cried like this ever, I
can't even begin to comprehend what he's feeling at the moment. I don't know
how long we sit there, crying, but the room becomes dark as the sun sets but we
sit in the dark, without moving. After a while I feel him slump against me,
like he has no energy left. I try to get him to loosen his hold on me, but he
doesn't. My body hurts, but I can't make myself move from where I am.
A
while later Pushkar walks in, his eyes are red too, I don't know if he knows
the whole story but I know seeing his Bhai like this is killing him. With the
help of Pushkar and Varun, I manage to navigate out of his strong hold, he has
exhausted himself to sleep, his face is red and still wet with his tears. We manage to get him onto his bed, and I turn
to leave to find both Nirmala Aunty and Ramnath Uncle standing outside his
door. I can tell that they've been crying, I don't know how long they've been
there for, but they don't step into the room, like it's a line they can't
cross, even though their eyes don't leave Shravan for a moment.
"Sumo."
It's a mere whisper but with the silence in the room everyone picks it up. I
turn around and I can see the discomfort on his face as he moves his arm around
like he is searching for something even in his sleep. I can feel everyone's
eyes on me as I move across his room and sit on the bed, his hand grabs mine
and squeezes, it is almost painful.
A
sigh leaves me as I look up at Pushkar. "Can someone call Nanu and tell him I
am going to be here tonight, that Shravan is not well." It is more a statement
than a question but he nods without question and turns to his Bade Papa who
nods and walks away leaving Nirmala Aunty standing at the door. I can tell she
feels out of place, she turns around and leaves with a sob, leaving Pushkar and
I alone with a sleeping Shravan.
I
look up at Pushkar and he's looking between Shravan and I with a peculiar look
on his face. I arch my eyebrow at him in question and he shakes his head but I
can tell he wants to say something but doesn't. "Can you get me a wet towel
please?" I ask, I would have done it myself but Shravan is still tightly
holding onto my hand. Pushkar nods and disappears into the bathroom.
I
look back at Shravan, there is a grimace on his face and his eyebrows are
furrowed, he is even restless in his slumber. My heart goes out to him, it is
hard seeing him like this, just like it was hard seeing him like this when he
thought his father had passed away. But unlike last time, things weren't going
to magically fix themselves.
I
run my hand through his hair, pushing it away from his face while trying to
soothe him. I want him to sleep peacefully because things wouldn't be great
when he woke up again. I don't know what to expect, he had just stormed out of
the room when he learnt of the actual dynamic between his parents all those
years ago, he didn't say anything to anyone yet.
Pushkar
clears his throat causing me to look up at him, he is holding a wet towel in
his hand. I smile at him and grab it before wiping Shravan's face of the sweat
and tears.
"You
know the last time something like this happened I was amazed at how you seemed
to just know what he needed, how he
seemed to calm down when he saw you by his side. But I didn't pay attention to
the despair on your face, or your tears...but now that I look back it
was almost as if you were hurting just as much as him. Much like now."
Pushkar whispers, I look up at him to find that he's looking at his Bhai, I don't
know where he is going with this. "You love him, don't you Sumo?" He asks
finally looking up at me.
"He's
my best friend." I say, because that's the only thing I am sure of at the
moment.
"He
said he wasn't anymore - from the minute you tried to speak for Badi Mami. But
that didn't stop you from getting him to see the truth, even after he refused
to talk to you and said that he didn't want to see you ever again. And you put
that all aside, and that's a lot for you, to get him to see the light."
A
pang went through my heart at the reminder. "You love him." He didn't
ask this time, he said it. And I didn't know how to reply to that so I didn't
say anything. "Are you going to tell him?"
"He
doesn't believe in love. And now, after everything-"
"I
think he loves you, always has." Pushkar replies and my heart jumps before
I remember his words and actions. Moved
on, he has moved on. He sits with my family and helps them choose a guy for
me, he approves and disapproves them. He teases me about these random guys
happily. But it's complicated, he says one thing, his actions another, so
sometimes I think he loves me but other times I am sure he doesn't. And the way
he's been the previous week leads me to believe that he doesn't.
"He
doesn't." I say, and I can hear the tears in my own voice. I think Pushkar
hears them too because he doesn't say anything. I know that Shravan would never
admit it even if he did love me, he doesn't want
to love a woman. And I don't think the recent events make his belief in love
any stronger.
"Shravan."
I say out loud, shaking him by the shoulder slightly. It's noon, he's been
asleep for more than 12 hours, he needs to wake up and eat. "Shravan, wake up
please." I run my hand through his hair this time and he moves. His eyes open
slowly and narrow again at the amount of light in the room. He looks confused,
almost dazed trying to figure out why I am on his bed waking him up. He slowly
sits up and blinks a few times, I can tell the second when everything comes
back to him because he tenses and his eyes meet mine. They are clouded with
confusion and questions.
"Maa?
Papa?" He asks, I don't miss that he calls Nirmala Aunty "maa" all of a sudden.
"Downstairs."
I say, they were both sitting on opposite sides of the couch, staring at the
wall when I had gone down to make something for lunch. The house was eerily
silent, Chachi ji wasn't back yet and the others didn't know what to say or do.
He nods and lets out a heavy sigh but doesn't say anything. "Go freshen up, and
come eat." I say.
"I
am not hungry."
"You
haven't eaten since yesterday afternoon, I know you're frustrated and
disappointed right now, there is no need to get sick too." I remind him and he
sighs, I thought he would argue but he doesn't, he navigates himself out of the
bed and into the bathroom. The room has been cleaned, but all his books rest on
one of the couches with the book
right at the top. Every time I see it,
I wonder why he has kept it for so long but now is not the time to bring it up.
I set up the tray on the table in front of the couch and lay down on the couch
to wait as I hear the shower go on. I close my eyes for a minute and pull a
throw over me, I'm utterly exhausted. I didn't get much sleep last night,
obviously, he wouldn't let go of my hand.
Vandy
Bhabhi was a sweetheart and leant me a pair of clothes for the day, she turned
her whole closet upside down to find something I'd be comfortable in. And she
made me coffee and forced me to eat, she didn't say much but I didn't miss how
her eyes seemed to jump between Shravan and I either. I didn't miss how
everyone looked at me like they were trying to figure something out. I guess I
fell asleep with my thoughts because all of a sudden I awoke to whispers.
"She
looks so tired." I heard Shravan whisper in his deep voice, he sounded better.
"She
hasn't slept a wink since last night." Pushkar whispers back.
I
should have opened my eyes right then to let them know that I was awake, but I
didn't want to. I don't know if it was because I was tired or if I just wanted
to listen to the two of them talk. Shravan sighs, and I wait for him to say
something but he doesn't.
"Bhai,
why are you looking at her like that?" Pushkar asks and I wonder what he's
referring to.
"It's
nothing."
"I
don't stare at my friends like that."
Pushkar says, his voice almost a murmur.
"I
am surprised she's here, after all I said to her. I can't believe she spent all
night here, by my side." He sounds
almost shocked and for a minute I debate getting up just to glare at him for
the ass he's been all week but at the same time, there is awe in his voice that
seems misplaced...we promised each other we'd be friends forever, and this is
what friends did. I wasn't going to make the same mistakes again - I wasn't
going to leave him when he needed me most.
"That's
Sumo for you, she always puts everyone else before herself. Her nanaji, her
family and you." I want to roll my
eyes because I know what Pushkar is trying to do and he needs to stop pressing
this matter. I roll over a little before I let out a yawn and open my eyes and
blink a few times before getting up so I am sitting on the sofa rather than
laying on it. My eyes meet Shravan's first, he just freezes holding a spoonful
of daal between the bowl and his
mouth. I arch my eyebrow at him but he just shakes his head and gives me a
small smile.
"Did
you eat?" Shravan asks me and I shake my head yes but I can hear my stomach
growling, he rolls his eyes and picks up the tray before moving right beside me
on the bigger couch and setting the tray in front of us.
"I'll
get something from downstairs." I say but he just gives me a pointed look and puts
bowl of daal within both of our reach
and passes me a chapati. I take it
because a) I don't want to argue with him right then and b) I am kind of
hungry. We eat in silence, I don't say anything because I don't know what to
say and I am sure he feels the same way.
"You
made this daal the other time too
didn't you?" He finally asks, I look up at him to see him staring right back at
me so I nod, there is no point in lying now. There is a look on his face like
he's trying to figure something out. "That day at the house...you kicked me out
because maa was there, wasn't she?" He asks and I sigh nodding. I can't figure
out what he's thinking because he keeps looking at me, it's like his eyes are
trying to look into my soul and I can't look away.
I
hear Pushkar clear his throat behind me but Shravan doesn't look away, and I
can't seem to either until Pushkar mumbles something that I can't make out. I
look at Pushkar with a questioning look but he shakes his head and eats his daal, he is hiding a smile behind the
bowl though so I glare at him.
"I
am going to go home." I say realizing that everyone is probably worried, Nanu
and Mama ji dropped by last night but I felt like I needed to go home and fix
myself.
"No!"
Shravan's response is almost immediate and it makes me look back at him in
shock, he looks alarmed.
"I'll
come back." I reassure him.
"I'll
come with you." He says, his voice is firm, I know he's trying to avoid them.
"Shravan,
you're going to have to face them soon. You three need to talk."
"Sumo,
please, I can't right now." He whispers looking at me, his eyes are glistening
again and I curse myself for being so weak because I nod at him.
"Please,
just ignore me." Pushkar mumbles.
He
walks into my room behind me and falls onto the bed making me roll my eyes. He
acts like everything is okay all of a sudden but he refused to even look at his
parents while we walked out of the house. It was actually really sad, they both
got up off the couch that they were sitting on and looked at him hopefully but
he just walked right past them as if they weren't there. I understood that he
was hurt but he needed to deal with this sometime.
"Are
you mad at me?" He asked as I scoured my closet for something to wear. I shut
the door loudly and looked back at him, of
course I was mad at him for being an ass to me, he told me that we weren't
friends anymore and that he was sorry for thinking that I was any different
from the women he hated. "Sumo..." He says, it almost sounds like a whine.
"What?"
I snap back.
He
gets off the bed and walks towards me before taking my hand and pulling me back
towards the bed. He makes me sit on it and kneels in front of me, both of my
hands are still between his as he looks up at me, a change from the usual. "I
am sorry. For what I said, for what I did - for everything. I've been a total ass, I know it's hard for you to
believe now...but I didn't mean it, really,
you're the one person in my life that I can count on - the person I know will
always be there for me. The one
person I can trust with anything. And I am sorry that I made you feel like you
weren't important to me because you are and you always will be. But - I was
just so shocked to see her again, I didn't expect it...and then you were with her
so I thought you sought her out in some ploy to fix me. But I know you didn't seek her out..."
"Why
would it make a difference even if I did seek her out Shravan? I wanted to help you, because I knew that there was
more to this than met the eye, but you didn't even listen to me. And the things you say...I know you've been hurt by
women, I hurt you once, very badly-"
"Sumo,
don't-"
"No,
let me talk today. I did hurt you and
I feel horrible for it, I couldn't stop thinking about you all those years you
were gone, and I never really got to fully apologize for what I did, for how
much I hurt you. I am sorry Shravan,
for what I did because it doesn't
matter that I was nave or stupid, or what my motives were, it was wrong and I
shouldn't have done it. And I regret it so much. I am sorry. But how can you
blame every single woman in the world for the mistakes your mother and I made?
How can you-" I can hear myself crying now.
"I
am sorry, I am so sorry. I was wrong, I- I just, it was easier to think that
all women were like that than to think that my own mother left me willingly. And
right now you don't know how stupid I feel for believing that, because all
those beliefs were based on a lie, a huge lie. And I know it bothers you so
much, and you're right it is very sexist and misogynist, but it was the easy
thing to do even thought it was wrong." He says, and it sounds heartfelt, but I
don't know if I can believe it until I see it but I let him continue. "Sumo -
I- I don't know what I'd do if you weren't right here with me right now, thank
you for sticking by my side even though I am a total asshole and I don't
deserve it at all."
"I
promised you didn't I, friends forever, even if you are a total asshole." I say
and he smiles, slightly, knowing that I am coming around. "Just don't do that
again, I am not some bitch that is trying to mess with you, I just want you to
be happy Shravan."
"I
know. I am sorry." He says wiping away the tears on my cheeks with a pout of
his own. I kind of hated myself for being such a pushover when it came to him.
"You
should talk to your parents." I say and he sighs getting off the floor in front
of me and sitting beside me on my bed.
"I
don't know what to say. Where do I start? My first instinct right now is to
leave, to go back to London." He says and my breath hitches.
"Shravan,
no. You need to deal with this, to get everything out or it's going to build up slowly until it all blows up in your face again.
You are getting another chance to have your family back again, to have both
your parents in your life-"
"I
don't know if I want that Sumo, how am I supposed to look at my dad and not
feel betrayed? And the things I said to my mother- I mean she did leave me...but
then- it's just so complicated."
"He
made mistakes Shravan, we all do. But he did it because he didn't want to lose
you and your mom left because she thought it was best for you. They were both
wrong in what they did, but they thought they were doing the best they could
for you. Give them another chance, I am not saying that you need to go hug them
right now and forgive them for everything but hear them out, try to understand
them."
"I-I
don't know."
"You
can do it Shravan, you can do anything remember?"
"You'll
be there, right?"
"Every
step of the way."
X-X-X-X
So once I start writing, my mind floods with ideas, so there is another OS that I posted right after this one, which you can find here --> Inevitable.
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