Healing the Wounds of the PAST

You know Ruby I have to share a funny thing, I typed this longish reply to this post of yours and then deleted it myself.

I was like this is so not done, Nah, its crap... its just pathetic.

I deleted the word document and then asked myself what made me do that? Why am I investing this much time, effort and energy on a fictional show? The answer was because these people, these characters speak to me, Something about them resonates with me and which is why I invest my time and energy in them, they have made me write more than I have ever in my life on any fictional couple prior to this show.

Then I asked myself what made me delete the reply I typed, I obviously put a lot of time in it. It was worth my effort - but the same instant I found an answer that just STRUCK me - I found it INADEQUATE.

And voila! I had my eureka moment!

Isn't this the story of Ishita and Raman? Isn't this what these two struggle with day in and day out? The reason and root of all their issues? All the questions regarding them - all the what's and the whys stem from this one word - INADEQUACY.

These people have struggled with finding themselves inadequate in their prior relationships despite them having given themselves completely to their partners. They were rejected, discarded without any pause or hesitation because their partners felt they deserved better, they deserved more.

In his case, he was discarded because he did not have any dynamism in him that would make him strive to achieve the kind of success that would bring with itself the wealth that could meet the ever-increasing demands of his wife.

She was left because she could not ever give a man a progeny of his own.

Both these individuals for no fault of theirs were scarred and wounded by people they chose to trust their hearts with and love.

When those very people gave them a stamp of REJECT - that rejection affected each and every aspect of their lives, their whole being.

They were altered, they were changed forever.

Then they crossed paths, they met and fought. They challenged each other and admonished each other.

They hated the other and yet they came together for a cause, a person - a child they both loved deeply. A child who owing to the history of her parents and her life too considered herself as a reject, as an unwanted individual and feared abandonment at all and every turn.

The child did both - break their hearts and heal them.

In that little girl they saw the echoes of their own suffering and decided, they may have been dealt an unfair hand but she deserves better, she deserves so much more. They decided we could not do a thing for ourselves but for her we can and should.

Slow and steady the process of healing began for the child...and for that very process they started functioning together - initially unwillingly and with time as if they had been doing this all their lives, raising a child together.

With time they became friends too as well as they fell in love - only neither of them could come forward and express it as openly as they should have or could have - reason both feared the same thing - history repeating itself - both scared of failing but more than that terrified of being not able to take the failure this time around.

So they hid themselves and masked their feelings lest the delicate balance of their relationship be altered.

Time and again they faced storms and each storm brought them closer than before - two polar opposites started clinging to each other.

With each hurdle they overcame, they got stronger; they started doing what they had vowed never to do - rely on someone.

It did not seem unusual to lean on each other now - to ask help, to seek comfort, strength and support from the other. It was a given, they are a team, they are a unit and together they are stronger than ever.

They crossed bridges and they closed in the distances but one thing never changed - THEY REMAINED SILENT.

He noticed, she learned.

She molded herself and he bent himself. Still they could not meet halfway.

All because they were scared, they were silent.

They never shared their wounds, their pains, they never spoke what their hearts felt and then found themselves in a challenge of wills to see who breaks first - dekhte hai.

It took the very thought that she might have a smaller share of him, his heart than she had compromised for, accepted to shake her out of her reverie. To make her cry and start questioning her heart - is she falling for him?

It took a moment of madness, of sheer rage where she made a mess of everything around her to sort herself out for her.

Until then she was too scared, too much in denial of her feelings but this moment made her accept them and when she found the assurance that he isn't looking at his past, that he seeks closure from it she accepted the man himself with all her heart - Aap Mere Raman Ho Gaye Ho.

She, who had learned him, studied him awaited to be notice a sign by him that he was seeking her as much as she was awaiting him even as he waited for her to take the initiative.

Her journey that began slightly later than his covered a larger distance by far when she went from - Aisa Socha Hi Nahi Kabhi Woh Mere Pati Hai to Mere Raman while he in my opinion still lags since he has only noticed and not learned her.

He is yet to go from Meri Biwi to Meri Ishita - which is the journey he is about to take now.

Like I have mentioned before - he has noticed her, has seen her but NOT learned her.

Last night he came face to face with the bitter fact, had a rude awakening when he realized he has No idea of what has happened to her - wherein lay her roots.

People say to know a person you have to know their roots, when you learn them, you learn the person.

What are the roots of Raman and Ishita - the people they are today?

His - a failed marriage where he gave it all, a woman who shall forever be a part of his life for better or worse because she is the woman who gave birth to his children, in that way they can never be completely alienated from one another' life.

He was dumped by the woman for things he was incapable of giving.

Her - her roots lay in a relationship that started when she was a mere teen; slow, and steady that relationship grew with each passing day, week, month and year. That relationship became all that she wanted and hoped for this girl became a woman over the period hoping now is the time when her dreams shall be realize. After 12 long years, she shall be united in a bond of matrimony with her beloved only for one ugly truth about her past to strike back and change it all.

She was dumped for things she would never be able to provide.

What partially healed them?

Him - he got the acceptance of his child, the unparalleled, unchallenged love of his daughter which healed the father in him.

Her - She got a child who called her the world' best mother. She became a mother.

They were healed by the same child whom they came together to heal - they became parents in the most absolute sense.

A beautiful quote I love by Fyodor Dostoyevsky states "The soul is healed by being with children."

Their souls were healed - they were at peace with themselves to an extent now that is why they started longing for more - seeking more - this time in each other.

Now was the time for them to mend their hearts - but how could that be done when no one was willing to speak, take the initiative.

Finally there had to be something, some way for this to happen hence came the advent of a catalyst followed by an unforeseen event.

The advent made him realize he cannot tolerate the presence of anyone else around her, it bothered him, agitated him and infuriated him that for all his worth - his materialistic worth - he is still being sidelined, being snubbed (as per him). His wife says another man knows how to make her laugh; he helps her in times of troubles, is sweeter than he is.

They squabble again when he thinks she should not focus too much on a friend because he wants all her attention to himself and when that doesn't happen he hides behind - Meinu Ki? To which she asks him just as angry - Tenu Ki?

It is in this row that she states - you haven't understood me, you don't know me.

And the same bitter truth comes back to him in what is his worst nightmare come true - losing her.

The moment Ishita faints the show hits the road.

You see everyone assembled getting scared in a moment but the man who almost instantly cries is Raman, notice how when he keeps her head in his lap his expression is that of a man scared out of his wits.

This moment instantly took me back to much a similar moment where Ishita faints when they had that accident while on the picnic. The moment he sees her unconscious he panics. He starts yelling her name and later as she comes around she gives him the fright of his life by saying she doesn't recognize him. The usually in-control Raman Bhalla unravels like a house of cards as he tries to make her understand he is her husband, they are married - happily at that and they have two kids.

It is his first admittance, first acceptance he is happy with her, she has made his life better. However, the cat is out f the bag and things are brushed aside. She does not ask him what made you say we are happily married, he does not ponder over/reveal why those were the words that came to him in his agitated state of mind. Why when he panicked all he could see was the woman he fights with daily, the woman he says is a headache to him is the reason of his happiness.

They bury it like so many things.

Now let us FF a bit to a moment the week past, where Raman describes what is love as per him - he says Love hampers everything useless - you stop thinking, you stop being logical, you simply have no rationality left . On the surface, these seem like cynical words of a jaded man, beneath them you see how a man is saying how love is all-consuming to him.

Let us recall a similar moment - a moment when she was in pain, when her license had been revoked for no fault of hers and he decided to give up a post in a nanosecond for her, without a pause or hesitation.

When his shadow says this could cause them much damage all he says is - he has taken a decision that was the call of his heart and now he will not pay heed to his mind.

He also states she is important to him, as she has taken care of his daughter and his family, his home for her he could do anything and it would still be nothing. He could have given up his company for her sake this post was nothing.

Last night this man screams and yells, he threatens and bullies because all he could see was his wife, the woman who has became the center of his world, his universe was suffering and he could not do a thing about it.

When they had, had that accident at least she was physically fine he was assured of that but still the very notion, he may be lost to her memories scared him enough that his mind ceased working. Remember how he said he can't find the doctor' number, he starts mumbling what to do now and then he tries to get through to her all at once almost.

Here he could be only a mute spectator and that already got to him that he could not do a single thing to help his wife.

But what really set the ball rolling was when the Q&A session came, this man had the ground pulled from beneath his feet and how!

He is already set on edge when the doc utters one word - serious - but what happens next totally gets to him. With each question that is asked he learns how little he knows about his wife, how he has never known Ishita the woman. However, the biggest setback is not that he did not know the details pertaining to her allergies or her fasting habits but that he never knew about her suffering.

He who already noticed her always, found he has so much to know about her.

He, who was already battling a bitter truth that his sibling threw on his face - about his behavior, his treatment of her, who already was seeing an ugly aspect of himself just drowned in the one moment when he saw another man knowing more about his wife than he did.

It occurred to him he has known Ishita the wife, the mother, the daughter and the daughter-in-law. He has helped Ishita, a professional too but he has never learned about Ishita the woman.

Smaller things like her fav author, her fav cuisine be damned he did not know about the root of all her problems - her life-altering experience.

Fear, pride, ego - whatever you may label it has kept them from really knowing each other and today that silence has finally made its presence known - it has SPOKEN loud and clear...I exist.

It would be interesting to see how this silence is dealt with - how the very fact it exists is acknowledged.

For each of them lies a long journey ahead.

They have to trust themselves enough to open up to each other, to close this distance that exists between them and only when that happens would they learn whatever anyone else might have considered them - for each other they are enough, they are ADEQUATE, they are PERFECT.

And it is with that acceptance - of themselves and each other shall they completely heal.

In the Last post, I had mentioned, this was a man who was rejected by his wife and child, whom he considered the center of his existence.

His heart and soul were deeply wounded and repeatedly scarred by both of them. He knew they left him for materialistic desires, so he worked to gain them to lure them back. On the way, he cloaked himself with Ruthlessness and ego. A sharp contrast to what he was. But they still refused him. The cloak thickened with time and became suffocating but he chose to live that way, too tired and scared to shrug it off.

When the outer skin gets scarred it takes its own time to heal, and still sometimes the scar remains. This man is wounded at the soul. Imagine the effort it would take him to heal and will the scars ever go?

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Then there is a woman, who is called a half-woman time and again just because she can't conceive. Is that what makes a woman? Will not being able to conceive reduce her goodness and worth to half? Also do you need to conceive to be a mother?

The Man she loved told her that without kids their marriage was meaningless. What meaning will a woman find in such a life that was forced upon her, for no reason of hers.

While he built an armor around him to fight it, she did not. She went all out in sharing love, dealt more with kids to satisfy the craving of her soul.

Both deeply wounded souls, both handled it the way they thought it was best and yet remained unhealed. The only thing that can heal them completely is acceptance and love, as a parent and as a Man/Woman.

Their first step to healing was acceptance from a child.

For the man, she proclaimed to the world, that he was the best dad, her favorite person on earth

What is that the child saw in her father made her say that?

A man who had ignored her, who made her crave for his attention, who wasn't aware of her likes and dislikes, her eating habits. Something which a, then, outsider knew but he did not as a father. An outsider who thought he was impossible to live with.

His inner goodness. The love that his child could see in him, which he had hidden because he was scared of showing it to anyone. After all what did he get by loving? Only rejection and rebuke. Constant comparison.

He was so scared of rejection that he couldn't go ahead with the DNA test. He was scared to see the results and lose the only hope of his survival. What if the results were against him and his little angel left him too. He would lose the sole reason to survive 6 years of hurt.

But, once he understood his mistake, he changed himself, bared his true self to his daughter and what he got in return was unabashed love.

A love which healed the father in him. But, as a man he was still not healed.

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For her, all her dreams were shattered in one moment. Her life was called meaningless and she - a reject.

Then comes a little angel in her life just to prove the whole world wrong.

Even before the woman entered the child's life as a legal mother, she was showered with love by the little girl. She was proclaimed as the best Mother. What had she done to get the award then? Had she put the child to sleep by singing a lullaby, told her bed time stories, get her ready every day, comb her hair, and cooked her favorite food? No.

No grand gestures. All she had done was love the child and give the feeling of being wanted and protected. A feeling which made the child wish she were born out of her womb.

That's why she is the best mother.

Ironically, a person who was rejected for not having the ability to be a "biological" mother had done the most important function of a mother.

The child healed the mother in her. But the woman remained unhealed. She got married to a man who had called her a reject once.

----

The two rejects' began their journey as parents for this little child, the one who held them together. They say marriages are made in Heaven. This little girl tied the most important knot in their lives - the gathbandhan, the eternal tie, union of 2 souls. She was the angel, the Devi, sent from heaven to tie them together, forever.

A bond which grew stronger with trust, respect and understanding. A bond that blossomed into love.

Yet the rejection still stood as a wall between the acceptance of love as :-

She couldn't forget that though he desired her, he had called her a rejected woman. Was she incomplete in his eyes too?

And he was scared of getting rejected again as she told he was impossible to live with. Was she with him only for the love of their child?

So they lived together by masking their emotions, which came out whenever a third person assumedly came between them. Sanjana and Mani. But as they say, one can't be in control all the time. The mask has to fall.

Yesterday when she fainted in his arms, saw her bleed, we saw a man in fear. The woman he loved, the one who promised to be his strength was lying there unconscious. He was scared of losing again. Because he knows, this time he will not be able to handle the loss. That drove him insane.

His fear mingled with guilt, helplessness, worry, care, concern, regret and fury. He erupted.

He was not afraid of the no. of people surrounding him, he was afraid of everyone pointing fingers at him, getting rejected by them

He was not afraid to love, he was afraid of not being loved in return

He was not afraid to let go and try again, he had let go of his past, he was afraid of getting hurt again

He is in a state where he is not only fighting to hold on to faith and love but also fighting to let go guilt and regret

But his love was lying there, unconscious while he stood helpless. He wasn't able to answer the questions from the doctor about his wife, the way his, now, wife had asked about his daughter once.

He had a chance to redeem it then and grow in his daughter's eyes. But now he is burdened with uncertainty.

What if he doesn't get the chance to redeem himself in her eyes?

What if she wakes up and rejects him for not knowing about her, not caring for her

What if she feels her best friend is a better man than him, for her.

What if, his life hung on the two words.

He has worry all around him, fear holding him back, guilt pushing him down.. the only thing which will take him up and forward is his love for her and her acceptance for him

Like I said before they are pieces of a puzzle, incomplete by themselves. They will be complete only by accepting each other, filling the gaps in their lives with love. Nothing less is going to heal them

But this is not just about the emotional turbulence; it is about turning the page, to start a new chapter.

Mani is only going to show that there are pages to turn; it's not the end of the book yet.. What happened was a prologue, the story is yet to start, with chapters of memories worded with love.

*************************

Mani was shown to be calm and composed yesterday - because he may love Ishita in his own way, be concerned about her, but the passion that Raman has for her, the fear of losing her was not there, the fear which made him hysterical

He may think she deserves more, and may think wrong about Raman but Ruhi and Ishita are going to prove him wrong. They know the man who is there hiding inside and is peeking out more often now and he too deserves much more than what he has got in life.

Surely Mani is going to see a totally new Raman. He will also correct the prejudice that he has for him and will bring them together.

As I said in the LU, Both have to heal together - one cannot heal while the other remains hurt. And only they can heal each other, overpower their feeling and fear of reject with the other's acceptance. Solve the puzzle

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Read this in some book and found it relevant

Its Impossible - said Pride

Its Risky - said Experience

Its Pointless - said Reason

"GIVE IT A TRY" - whispered the heart

Well ... today's episode left me disappointed and ecstatic at the same time. Sad because today it was confirmed that Subbu is never coming back and I really wanted him to come back not only for the jealousy track but to get to know the raw emotional broken side of Ishita which has not been touch-based in the series except may be a skimming through it couple of times. The writer had confirmed that Subbu was a cameo but I had a faint hope that they may bring him back, however, his main entry was supposed to be via a jealousy track where he can show the mirror to Raman that he does not know anything about his wife ... The CV's have conveniently filled the gap with Mani. Honestly, a part of me could not digest Mani knowing everything but then I can safely blame it on my biased mind towards Subbu for non-acceptance of this behaviour.

Ok. Enough of Rona dhona. Time to share the reason for my ecstasy and sheer joy. Long ago, me and Ruby had discussed about the various types of Intimacy. Intimacy of thoughts, intimacy of mind, intimacy of souls, intimacy of past and of course, something which the entire forum is waiting with baited breath ... physical intimacy.

Today's episode was an episode of sheer brilliance. It brought a very simple question in my mind. What is the difference between a best friend and a boyfriend/husband?

Let me compare:

To begin with I am writing this POV from a female's POV because of the obvious reason that it is easier for me to visualize but I can safely say this applies equally to the other gender equally.

Traits of a Best Friend

1. Knows you in and out

2. You do not need to call him/her. He is already there at the time of your need.

3. He knows you better than your family.

4. He knows all your dark secrets, your problems, your mistakes and accepts you with that

5. You do not need to pretend anything in front of him

6. Any kind of trouble and he will be the first to come in your mind to ask for help.

7. He is always there for you to give you a shoulder when you want to cry

8. You definitely love him

Now that got me thinking, all these traits are an essential for a boyfriend and/or husband. Then what happens that suddenly as soon as the equation of a boyfriend/husband enters, the best friend immediately takes the backseat. What gives him the extra edge over the other?

The answer is simple ... You are attracted to him. Physical intimacy. The relationship between two best friends is platonic while the relationship between couples is anything but platonic.

So, how do a couple who are still in a platonic relationship move to the obvious next step of becoming one in every sense. They complete every step of intimacy.

For Ishita and Raman, they have already shared intimacy of mind and thoughts ... they are able to read their state without interacting ... be it Raman figuring out Ishita is tired and pushing her to SPA or Ishita asking Ruhi to serve dinner to a tired Raman during the accident track or the funny yet meaningful dumb charades scene of cylinder confusion during MiMi Tikka are fair examples of the same.

Someone once told me that usually physical intimacy acts as an ice breaker between couples in an arranged marriage and understanding each other follows its own course and takes time. In this unconventional marriage, this part was shown brilliantly where these two have entered into a marriage of convenience and while one knows pretty well about the other as far as the present and their common thread, their daughter is concerned, they are ignorant about the actual person, their traits, likes, dislikes, pasts. Time and again, I have been repeating that these two need to TALK to take the next step, but to TALK, someone needed to realize that they needed to TALK and realization happened today.

It is when they talk, all veils and misunderstandings will be removed and revealed and finally Raman will accept that jo doosri baar dekha aur acha laga tha, vo indeed acha hi hai and Ishita will accept that Shagun may have been the cynosure of Raman's eyes at one point of time, he has MOVED ON and only desires her.

Kab aayega vo din??? Sigh.

Another thing ... they have subtly started another track which will the next obvious track once the confession happens ... infertility ... it can only be talked about when the past is brought forward ... her TB was brought forward today ... Sonali Jaffer zindabad ... 😳

P.S.: Although. I still wish they had toned down the shouting match between Raman and Romi though Romi did the right thing. It was high time Raman stopped treating him like a punching bag.