You wanted me to read so here I am. 😃 I read it and I have a few things to say.
1) It was your first try at writing something, I presume? So, keep writing and try to form your own style which gives your readers a sense of belonging. They must read your writing and feel the emotions YOU put in it. It comes with practice and I sincerely hope that you will reach there.
2) Believe me, I've read crap. What you wrote was not perfect, but certainly not the worst. Don't think so little of yourself!
3) Consider getting a beta/ informal editor who'll help you to understand your grammatical mistakes. I'm sure a lot of people will agree to helping you out.
4) Read a lot of stories... fan fiction, originals... it doesn't matter. They help with the flow.
5) Try not to write what the CV's are writing. You just seemed to deviate from the first part in the second one. Read the parts and tell me what you think.
READ your OWN work. That's the key. Critically analyze your work like any reader would and you'll do awesome. Obviously, if you take writing very seriously, only then put in the time and effort to take my criticism.
I meant no offense. I'm sure you know that! 😊 And I must say that I'm very hard to impress. So go ahead and don't listen to me if you think what I said was utter crap! 😛
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