He didn't understand himself anymore. What he was in Imperial, was what he should be, but what he was around them, was what he was - scared, hurt and jumbled. He said things he didn't mean, he talked like someone possessed, and yet hoped people will understand him.
There were old grudges that were too old to even be a bother. There were new duties that needed him to be a lot more than he was being. There were old and new relationships that just needed him.
Yet he was hollow... too hollow to sleep at night. Not because something, or rather someone haunted him. But because, it was tough to understand why, why now, why him... and then there was the little voice in his head that asked, why not.
Staring at the moon was the dumbest pastime. Somehow, his mind had no capacity for anything else. He needed those hours of coldness, coldness of his own heart to understand why he had to dispel from himself the warmth for others again the next day, and the day after, and the day after that; everyday till he could.
What he needed was not support or understanding, what he needed was clarity. He didn't mind how it came. He was just that desperate.
And yet he felt impervious to everything. Felt that there was a saturation that he had reached. Something that kept him mindless, hollow... a vacuum that just didn't let anything echo. Maybe that was what he needed, an echo... to bring down the avalanche building up inside him.
He knew that once it came down there would be no backing away from it, no running till it couldn't chase you, no mask that could hide the quite drama one's inner self faces. But the wait was exhausting. Draining the life out of him.
From the shackles of his void, all he could do was hope.
What he didn't know was, his one hope would lead to a chain reaction. And that reaction to a plethora of emotions... that he never knew he had the capacity to hold. The vacuity had made him ignorant for too long.
What he didn't know was that fate wasn't done with him. It wasn't rock bottom yet, just another glass ceiling.
Falling from among the stars has its major folly - it's a very long way down.
***
Umm, Yeah i know it's short. Couldn't get into it too much... or i'd never stop.
Luv,
Pree.