I stood there, mesmerized.
He was smiling. at me. Like always. Too late.. i averted my eyes. But it only seemed to amuse him and hardened his resolve further.
Those eyes of his.. they always spoke a lot more than his mouth ever did. His eyes..full of the love, i had come to expect in them. The love i snubbed, had always snubbed, fought, raged against, disdained and ignored. But it still remained, lighting up those dark, clear ,honest and devastatingly beautiful gaze of his and stubbornly refusing accept my rejections.
Their intensity took my breath away, their closeness made my heart thump, the stark truth of the affection in them pervaded my very soul...chilled me to my bones with the clarity of his feelings...his eyes could not hide much. His eyes sometimes had even scared me , when his sudden temper flared in them...furious and thunderous, flashing a tempest, that even i, known as the shrew, the siren, the volcano of the college, found frightening. His pain, hidden, but so evident to someone who bothered to search his eyes..oozed out, could cripple the observer without even knowing the reason for his agony.
He, you see, felt. Very deeply.
and he never forgot...and he clung..with a force so silent, yet so persistent, which mere strength , outbursts, outward display of power could never match up in resilience.
Swayam blabbered a lot when we were together...for those few heavenly weeks..and now when we are together even for a few seconds...trying to win me back...trying to fathom what had gone wrong , why i was back to treating him with contempt... his words had always kept me up at night...his habit of saying a lot more than he actually said. he also turned very philosophical sometimes; but seriously, just how much did i ever really get to know him?
It was always about me..he never taliked about himself. He knew everything there was to know about me...except maybe about my asthma..but he still knew that something was wrong with me..but could'nt figure it out.
Swayam was usually sparing of speech, reasonable, mature..except where i was concerned. But, those eyes were very talkative, his eyes and his dance.. expressed what he, a shy boy by nature, got tongue tied to even frame coherently. I literally had to wring him, to make him share his problems with me when we were together.
That was the part i worried about most.
I was worried whether he might leave dance just to make me feel better about not being able to dance anymore...i was worried how or if he ever would get over me, whether he would find someone worthy of an amazing guy like him.
But mostly i worried...that would he ever share his problems again?
"ye meri problem hai, main apne problems tumhe bolke , tumhe problem me nahi dalna chahta"
"kyun har baat apne taak rakhte ho swayam?"
"kyunki mai ne kabhi kisise baatein share nahin kiye hain...tum pehli person ho, and i am damn sure last bhi...jisse main share kar raha hoon"
Would he ever be able to open up properly and be understood, as he took time to understand others?
Would his heart move on?
yes, i convinced myself, it was best for him..i would just hold him back..take him away from dance.
I would snub him until he left..someday...and found someone better who deserved a perfect love like his.
But, my heart..with every beat..it protested..i did not want him to move on.
His words echoed.. my lifeline.'I LOVE YOU SHARON'
i never told him i loved him...but he had unconditionally loved me until i fell into the first and i'm pretty sure the last love of my life. I unconsciously always had thought of him..as my swayam..
.and lord knows when..i had become his Sharon.
And i could not go to him, bury my fingers in his unmanageable hair..lose myself in his eyes,kiss him softly on his cheek and tell him just that..make him happy.
I was just a complexity in his life. I want him to overcome me and move on.
And my heart..did not want to let go of him.
And somehow, swayam knew what my heart felt, so none of my contemptuous rejections fazed or derailed him from his stubborn quest of making me his...i am losing..he as always is winning..i wish he would just hate me and leave...but .. that 'but' is our lovestory's keystone...but can we do without each other?
comment:
p_commentcount