I love you.
I don't love you in the same way you claim to love me. I don't want to change the way our friendship is now. I want us to be best friends until the day we die. I want for us to be forever by one another's side. I want for us to be one another's head bridesmaid at our weddings.....
So please let me leave here. Please let me get away from this trip you've taken me on. I don't want to be here Shilpa. I don't want to be sitting opposite a dead fire in the freezing cold while you are lying on the top of a sleeping bag in a badly put up tent. I don't want to be prodding the fire with a stick and wiping away stray tears as I think about how much our friendship has finished up in mere minutes. I don't like it Shilpa. Please just take me home.
Should I go into our... your tent? Should I ask you if we can go, or does that just put us in a more messed up, pathetically awkward position?
It's getting colder. There's one tent, one sleeping bag, and I'm missing all of my usual courage. The fire's been out for about 2 hours now. I hate to fact that for everyone else, if they do anything remotely distressed for me, I'd punch them, yet when it comes to you... I can't do anything. All I can do is sit here and look at the now burnt sticks that once kept the fire alive.
Don't get me wrong, I don't care about sleeping in the tent with you, no I'm not like that. I still love you Shilpa, even if you love me in a different way and I still want to lie next to you talking about our day, talking about what we'll do over summer, and talking about things that have no meaning. I still want to do that. But right now, I have a feeling you don't. You're angry with me, I know that. I kind of understood that when you punched me and began to cry and zipped the tent shut.
It's been 3 hours and it's pitch black and it's getting colder and it's kind of scary but I'll give you your space. I'll wait until morning, I'll wait till you want to talk again and I'll wait forever if that's how long you want. I'll always wait, even if you tell me to move on. I'll wait even if you punch me every day for the rest of my life. Just never stop saying you love me. I know that sound selfish and pathetic, but I never want you to stop saying you love me. I never want you to say you hate me. Of course, I'm scared about the love you have for me, but any indication that you still have a place in your heart for me will help me to continue waiting. Shilpa, I may not love you like that, but I love you. Remember that. My heart has many people in it but you, by far, have the most part of it.
4 hours and I kind of realised how different my train of thoughts has been. At first, I wanted to leave. Now I want to stay. I've never reflected so much in my life. I'm thinking about what you said to me, I'm thinking about what I said to you but most importantly what I didn't say to you. You said you loved me, I said I loved you too, you said you loved me in a different way, I said for you not to say things like that, you said you couldn't, I said you should. Shilpa, what I meant to say was that I didn't want to hear it because I was scared, I didn't want to hear you say that because I've never thought about you that way. Shilpa, I meant to say I love you too. If you were in my mind right now, you'd probably want to punch me again because I'm contradicting myself, throwing love around like it were spare change, saying I love you. Well Shilpa, I hate it just as much in my mind as you would. Doesn't that happen to you too Shilpa? Don't you say one thing because you'd never thought about it before and then when it comes up you do think about it? Two hours ago, I was sure I only loved you like a friend, but now, two hours later, I'm sure I was wrong.
So, 5 hours is a long time to be sitting on my own in the cold. 5 hours is a long time to be thinking about one person, isn't it? Some people say that if you thinking about one person you must love them. They're right, I suppose. That doesn't mean I'm going into the tent though. The reason I can't do that is because, well, I'm still thinking. Yeah, yeah, an hour ago I was sure. I'm 24 Shilpa; my mind isn't the same as when I was younger. I don't just think about ridz now, no, I think about consequences now, I think about problems that may come out of things, I think about my own, and others, feelings. I love you, I know that, but how much do I love you? How much do you love me and maybe we can compare love? Do you want to 'make out' with me? I want to kiss you if that's enough. Do you want to live with me? I want to come over to yours as much as possible if that's enough. Do you want to be my girlfriend? I want you to be as much of a best friend, maybe more, if that is enough.
6 hours is enough for my cold feet. 6 hours is enough for my mind. I've decided. I'm sorry that it had to become a decision Shilpa. I'm sorry I couldn't just say it to you like you said to me. I'm sorry I had to think about it for 6 hours. I'm sorry I'm going to make everything ever more complicated.
"I'm sorry that I love you."
"What?"
I'm sorry that I'm clambering into the tent and that I'm supporting myself above you while looking down into your eyes.
"I'm sorry I'm making this harder for you, but I love you."
I'm sorry that I'm making you confused and I'm sorry that I'm making you stare up at me as if I were crazy.
"You said-"
"I'm sorry I said that."
I really am sorry I said that.
"You don't love me..."
I'm sorry I even made you think that for a second. I've never not loved you, I've only ever not loved you enough. But I do now.
"I love you."
"Armaan, stop joking with me."
I'm sorry I laughed just then, I'm sorry I'm now smiling down at you. I'm sorry your features have crinkled into anger and I'm sorry I find that utterly cute and appealing. I'm sorry that I never realised how cute and appealing you were until just now.
"Stop laughing at me too. Just sto-"
I'm sorry I stopped you mid sentence while you were angry with me. I'm not sorry that I'm kissing you right now though. I'm certainly not sorry that my lips are against yours and that you allowed my entrance to your mouth as soon as we connected and that we are in sync with one another even though this is our first kiss. I'm never, ever going to be sorry that you sat up and began to push me over so that I was now on my back and you were in control.
I'm not sorry about this kiss.
I'm not sorry that I said I loved you.
I am sorry that it was you who had to wait, not me.
But Shilpa,
I love you....................
😛😛😛
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