Night time reflections...
I don't know what woke me up. Was it the cacophony of ambulance or was it
the sound of screeching breaks of a motor bike enthusiast? Times like these
make me rethink my decision of living in the city rather than the suburbs. It's
very taxing when one's sleep gets often compromised especially after a super
long shift at work. If I did complain about such a thing, grandma will
start her regular rant about I moving into the main house in which I have no
interest in. I prefer this outhouse hidden behind a garden and much closer
to the streets.
As I fumble to find glass of water on my bed side table, my fingers
automatically curled around the picture frame that she had gifted me a few
months ago. My fingers overrode my primal need of thirst and softly traced the
contours of the frame. My mind instinctively started naming facts about the
picture that was inside that frame; the color of her dress, the exact curve of
her smile lines, a faint trail of a sweat bead at base of her neck, her bright
eyes and an exuberant expression. I was never one for collecting memorabilia.
She wasn't the first one to present me with something this personal. But her
gift was the first one to make to my bedside table though. There were times
when I wondered what exactly had changed? In the beginning I was surprised at
my attraction towards her. She was the antithesis of everything I looked in a
woman before, yet, her company was simply intoxicating. I had believed it as a
harmless crush which would pass with time, but it hadn't; and I was glad that
it hadn't.
Each and every one of us starts off as a blank slate; be it relationship or
otherwise. Over the years things get written and get committed to our memories.
We make memories as we go along, sometimes documenting in a tangible way of
pictures, journal entries, greeting cards, gifts, trinkets and sometimes these
memories are safely hidden in the crevices of the brain. It's logical for a
person to revisit these memories during the course of life. There was a time
when I believed that hanging on to memories crippled me in way that slowed down
my movement towards future.
Of late I have realized that it's not too bad to revisit old conversations,
read a year old journal entry; it gave me an entirely different perspective of
myself. It scared and elated me at the same time. My actions have defined me
what I am today. And I am happy with the way I have turned out; at least up
till now.
My fingers are still tracing outline of her face on that picture frame when
passing cool breeze manages to give me goose bumps. My thoughts always seem to
go her during these sole moments of my loneliness. Her company gives me a sense
of safety net. With her I can think aloud, ponder, observe people around and
simply talk without any inhibitions. It's really hard to be like that with
another human being, given the judgmental attitude that all of us seem to
possess. I cannot callously speak about something and expect people to
understand and accept it as my point of view.
The world doesn't work that way.
Even though ideally that's how it should be, but that's not how it is. Between
what we are and what we want to be, comes our society. I am really glad that I
have such a figure in my life. I can ramble on my thoughts, literally think out
aloud and get away with it. I am not scared of being mocked up on my line of
thought nor am I scared of the fact that after I finish my rambling, she would
think of me otherwise. It's a nice secured feeling that you get when you sleep
on your mother's lap.
I know that when a relationship starts to mature, the decisions taken by one
would automatically reflect on the other; be it emotionally or even physically.
It was my own sheer stupidity that made me realize that how horribly we were
tangled up in each other. Sometimes my anger hurt her more than she showed me.
My aloofness bought confusion on her face and she questioned herself all over again.
The first tear that was caught in her eyelashes for far too long made me bite
my tongue, count to hundred before I utter angry words. Her frantic heart beat,
which she thinks I cannot hear or feel, gives away her fear when she finds out
that I have arrived after a long trip. When I lean into her whenever I speak
with a lady friend, I can feel heat radiating from her and she leans into me
ever so slightly, sharing my own personal space, as if she always belonged
there.
Changes are inevitable in our lives. Changes happen in our lives whether we
like it or not; just like life. One might think that these are compromises or
sacrifices that I had to make to keep a healthy relationship. But I beg to
differ. My point of view of seeing things, feeling things and living life has
been slightly altered. It has just been aligned with hers.
Sleep will come to me again and when it does, it would be filled with sound of
ruffling of her suit, smell of forest scenting perfume, her sparkling eyes and
gentle smile.
Sookie
Author's notes: Its an old one. I want to remember the calm before the storm. I have a feeling that something is going to shift between them tomorrow. So before that happens, I want to hold on to the calmness of MSK. A small retrospective futuristic piece (which will never happen in series :D)
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