Musings in the Blue
Oh, tear ducts and rust
I'll fix it for us
We're collecting dust
But our love's enough
She stood outside the door, clutching the key in her hand, biting her lip. Should I go in, she wondered. Of course I should, it's my house...rather...our house, she mentally scolded herself, and then opened the lock. She hesitated before entering, and then turned the handle and stepped in, feeling stupid about behaving in such a cowardly manner.
The house was just as she had last seen it, when she had left it two weeks back, angry, frustrated, broken and in tears. Two weeks, it's been two weeks, she thought, looking around.
Her eyes then fell on the pillow on the couch and the sheet lying beside it in a heap. He slept on the couch all these days?!
She walked to the couch and picked up the pillow, her eyes welling up with tears. What have I done?!
Their fight, which had caused her to walk out of the house, had been bitter. So bitter, that in the past two weeks, she had refused to both see and talk to him. He kept calling, she kept ignoring. Her anger refused to be forgotten, even though she didn't remember the reason for their fight. She was hurt and angry and that was all that mattered to her, convinced as she was that their relationship was broken beyond repair.
As a tear rolled down her cheek, she spotted the photo frame lying where the pillow had been. Her hand trembled as she picked it up and the tears fell freely now. The glass had a long crack it in from when she'd thrown it in anger during their fight. It had always been her favourite picture of them together, smiling, his arms around her waist as she leaned back against his chest; she hugged the frame to her chest, sobbing.
"You're...back...?"
His voice made her look up in surprise and she turned to look at him, one hand still holding the frame to her chest as she wiped her face with the other, "The frame...I..."
"I'll get it fixed," he said, looking at the frame and then at her. His eyes held pain and uncertainty and she was at a loss for words for a minute.
"No." And all of a sudden, she had her arms around him, clutching at the back of his shirt as she buried her face in his chest. Her voice was teary as she spoke, "No. I broke it. So I'll fix it...and what's more...I'll fix us...I'll fix us so we can go back to being the way we were...and all that happened...would be nothing but a bad memory...never again to be relived..."
He put his arms around her, holding her tightly to himself, "Welcome home..." and kissed the top of her head, resting his chin on it.
We're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
***
I was thinkin' 'bout her, thinkin' bout me
Thinkin' 'bout us, what we gonna be
Open my eyes, yeah
It was only just a dream
Him and her. Her and him. Them, together, smiling, holding hands...And all of a sudden, he was falling...Falling with only darkness and the echoes of her voice around him. I don't love you like that...not anymore...
The last he had seen of her, she had turned away.
Down, down, down he went...
...And he woke up with a start, his hands clutching the sheets, forehead beaded with sweat, and breathing sporadic. Nightmare...
It was a dream turned into a nightmare, he thought. And if you keep pining for her the way you have been recently...it'll soon turn into reality, a voice said in his head.
He sat up, closed his eyes and rested his head against the wall.
Love. He was in love with the one person...who could never ever be his, a fact which he knew best of all. She was already in love with someone else. Someone, who so obviously wasn't him. How he wished it wasn't true; he wasn't true. How he wished it was him she loved. How he wished he had never entered her life. How he wished he had never fallen for her. How he wished she still had feelings for him. How he wished she'd never moved on with him...
Wishes, fruitless wishes, the voice said.
Indeed, he chuckled wryly, life is such a bitch!
Indeed, the voice repeated.
And he picked up his pillow and threw it with all his might, seething with anger at his inner voice that mocked him.
Why him?! Why always him?! Why was it that he never got the one thing he'd always want?! Why-His phone vibrated next to him and he picked it up in anger, wanting to smash it into smithereens.
Seeing her name flashing made him calm down and reading her message brought a smile on his face, as he happily messaged her back.
So what if he wasn't the one to make her heart flutter? So what if he wasn't the cause of her brightest smile? So-bloody-what?!
He'd always be the one to comfort her, to know her troubles and to make her smile through her tears. And no one could ever change that fact. He could live with it.
***
Just put your hand on the glass, I'll be tryin' to pull you through
You just gotta be strong
'Cause I don't wanna lose you now
I'm looking right at the other half of me
"I'll begin by apologizing. I'm sorry...I really, truly, am. I didn't do any of all that happened intentionally. It was an unfortunate, yet honest mistake. One, which I'll try my hardest to never, ever repeat in this lifetime.
I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to say or do any of the things that I did. I was angry, and my anger got the better of me...but believe me, it'll never happen again. I want you to believe me, to know that I have changed...for good...for you. If you only trust me on this one, I promise, you'll never regret falling in love with me. Just give me a chance...it's all that I ask for.
You know, I thought a lot about it all...and I realized...you're just like me. I'd have done exactly what you did were I in your place...and who knows...maybe you'd have reacted in the manner that I did? I just want you to know...I love you...you're the best thing in my life...I don't ever want to lose you, or let go of you...And together...together we can grow as individuals...be the ones to rectify each other's flaws...bring out the best in each other...complete each other...
Think about it..."
She sighed after reading the letter, and then wrote on a sheet of paper.
"I forgive you...and I agree..."
Yesterday is history
Tomorrow's a mystery
I can see you looking back at me
Keep your eyes on me
***
Where'd you go?
I miss you so
Seems like it's been forever
Since you've been gone
She snuggled into his pillow, on his preferred side of the bed, holding his shirt to her chest. Why? Because he wasn't there.
Sleep never came easily to her without having his arms around her...or simply, without him. And he-bloody-wasn't there! She tossed and turned and finally sat up. She couldn't do this. She just couldn't fall asleep like this, without him.
His flight had been an early morning one and since then, all she had done in the day, was glance at her phone, the frequency of that action increasing within decreasing spans of time. Not a single call and not a single message. His phone was switched off; had been switched off all day.
It wasn't that she was worried that something had happened to him. No. He was busy, and she knew that. Yet, it got to her, not hearing from him for almost twenty four hours.
What is wrong with me?
Now that she thought about it...was it normal of her to behave like this? Hadn't she always been the free spirit? So since when had she become so dependent on someone...that she couldn't even go to sleep without having him nearby?
Was it really love, she wondered, or madness? She looked at his shirt in her hand and grimaced. And to think I was the one to scoff at such actions...
Her phone beeped and she pounced on it. Finally, he'd finally messaged her.
"Was busy, sorry. I love you."
She sighed in bliss, and fell back on the bed, clutching her phone and his shirt to her chest once more.
Then again, she thought, as she snuggled back into his pillow, love is said to be a form of madness, after all.
***
I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
Back to back. They sat on the floor, leaning against each other's back, trying to make sense of their relationship and life. They fought, made up, and fought all over again. Their relationship was supposed to be that of love. Why, then, was it so hard for them to maintain it? To remember that they were in love?
It seemed so worthless, fighting over things, blaming the other for it after they had made up, and then fighting over it as well, all over again. It was a stupid, annoying and vicious circle. And they couldn't get enough of it, it seemed.
What was wrong with them? Had they started enjoying the fights more than their moments of love? Did spending time together only mean arguing? Going at each other's throats? Screaming their lungs out?
Was it worth it? Was waiting for the other to apologize first the right thing to do? Why had they become so selfish? Why did their ego take over them? Were they...no longer...in love...?
I do, I do love you. I want you back, the way you used to be. I want you to bring back the me that used to be. I hate myself the way I am. The hate the way we are. I...
And they shifted and turned at the same time to face each other, "I'm sorry!"
The momentary shock was replaced with joy and he pulled her in his arms.
Not yet, they thought, the love is still there...and I'll make sure it stays forever...
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
***
So...well...I have NO idea how this turned out...but for once, I won't say anything to it. It may actually be absolute bullshit, but since it's close to my heart...I'll leave it be.
The lyrics used, of the songs, in order of usage:
1) Just Give Me A Reason( Pink feat. Nate Ruess) -The kind of song which needs to heard more than once before I can fall in love with it.
2) Just A Dream( Nelly) -I've always liked it. The part I wrote probably made no sense in relation to the song...but whatever.
3) Mirrors( Justin Timberlake) - I. Am. In. Love. With. This. Song... Pree, being as fickle and finicky as I can be, I changed it all at the last moment. I already told you though, bear with it.
4) Where'd You Go? ( Fort Minor feat. Holly Brook or Skylar Grey as she is known nowadays)- It brings back fond memories of discussions and duets...can't wait to relive them.
5) The Reason ( Hoobastank)- The first song which made me cry with the very first listening.
Oh, and one more thing, Nidha, a huge thank you, tons of love and a bear hug to you. If there was anything, anything that could have made me feel better today...it was your ViChi OS...which you so very sweetly wrote just coz I requested you to. Thank you! Your timing couldn't have been more perfect!<3
By the way, I'm quite fond of my title, makes me wonder if my piece is worth it?
Oh, and to those not connected to the sentimental value of this piece, take it as a tribute to music. It is, or rather, was World Music day today.
And that, will be all. Since I'm feeling both physically and mentally drained, as well as emotionally, I'll be off.
Do leave a comment, people!
Indebted,
Mugs.
Pushpa Impossible
CID
