Subtle - When love sneaks up silently
"Sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye."
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
Thapki wrapped the thin blanket tighter around her shoulders and curled further into herself on the couch. Letting her gaze wander through the dark hall of Pandey Nivas, she sighed in frustration. She couldn't sleep. It was strangely ironic that she was able to sleep soundlessly on the hard floor of Bihaan's room but not on a comfortable, warm couch.
Though, how could I? She wondered. Feeling as restless as I am?
She simply couldn't stop thinking.
About Bihaan.
Of course. That guy was on her thoughts constantly, always lurking in a corner of her mind, making his presence known. In these past weeks she had become used to this awkward feeling - but right now, she was not wondering about his childish naughtiness, his ability to smile even if he was truly hurt, his strange concern for her or his unconditional loyalty to his family. No. She was restless because the remnants of what had occurred in this very hall hours ago still lingered with her, unwilling to leave her alone. Haunting her like ghosts seeking eternal piece.
"I t-t-th-thought you cared for D-Dhruv Sir! Why a-a-are you t-tr-trying to destroy his w-wed-wedding, again? Why w-w-won't you let him m-mo-move on?!"
"Because I want him to be with you, dammit! Only you can make him happy! I have tried so much getting you two closer but-"
Thapki brought her right hand in front of her face and stared at it. It was still prickling, the sound of her palm hitting Bihaan's cheek still echoing through her ears. She could see him, his head whipped to the side, utter horror etched into his features, his wide eyes revealing that he hadn't wanted to let all of this slip.
Letting her eyelids fall shut, she allowed the whole scene to play out in her head, once again.
She grabbed the collar of a still stunned Bihaan, forcing him to look at her. "I am n-n-not a p-pu-puppet that will go w-w-where ever you w-want it to!" she hissed through the thick lump in her throat. She hated how her voice broke at the end. "I h-ha-have emotions and wishes, a-a-as well! Or d-d-do you just enjoy i-in-insulting me ag-again and again?"
There was a shift in Bihaan's expression from surprised to... hurt? No, her muddled mind was playing tricks with her, surely. What was there for him to be hurt about? "You'd be happy with Dhruv."
"A-a-are you God that y-yo-you know this?" When she had started to believe that Bihaan was actually human, deep down. When she started to enjoy his company and their witty banter. When she started to see him from a softer perspective - he just had to go and ruin it, didn't he? That was what he was best at, after all.
"But you love Dhruv!"
Searing pain rippled through her heart, so sudden and unexpected that it caught her off-guard. She shook her head, whether in denial of his allegation or in disbelief, she wasn't sure. But... hearing something like this from Bihaan's mouth... it left a bitter taste on her tongue. Why? Why did it hurt?
She let her hands slip down his chest and blinked against the tears burning in her eyes. Angry ones. Humiliated. Hurt. Her defensive walls rose inside of her, blocking all the vulnerable emotions to leak through and show on the surface.
"D-Dhruv Sir chose to m-mar-marry Aditi," she whispered hoarsely. "He has to m-mo-move on in life. You don't h-have any right to br-brea-break-break their marriage - you c-can't ruin two l-l-lives, again!"
"Bihaan!"
They both flinched in surprise at the unexpected voice cutting through them.
Vasundhra Maa stalked over to them, her face a mask of sheer fury. Behind her, the rest of the family filled into the hall, Bauji and Dadi at the front, Suman and Preety exchanging disbelieving looks and Dhruv remaining at the door, expression unreadable.
Thapki couldn't even blink fast enough to register Vasundhra's actions; one moment, she was walking over to them and the next, she had slapped Bihaan, the sound sounding too loud in the deathly silence. She gasped in shock- the same shock was reflected in Bihaan's eyes when he stared back at his mother.
"How dare you!" Maa hissed. "How dare you try breaking Dhruv's marriage? Didn't you find peace by already ruining his life, once?"
"Maa, I-"
"Don't!" Vasundhra raised her hand warningly, her voice filled with so much venom that Thapki couldn't help but startle. "Maa? Why keep up this pretense? You prove, again and again, that the upbringing, no matter how good, doesn't matter when the blood in your veins is dirty!"
"Vasundhra!"
"No," she stopped Bauji from interfering. "You won't speak between us, now. Enough is enough!"
Thapki felt completely lost. What was going on here? Dirty blood? What did that even mean? Why was Vasundhra Maa insulting herself like this? Risking a glance at Bihaan, her frown deepened further. Pain was glistening in his watery eyes, so intense that Thapki could almost feel it like her own. Suffocating and burning through her chest.
"I told you, Bihaan. The day you do anything to harm Dhruv will be the day you will lose your right to call me Maa." Vasundhra took a deep breath as if steeling herself for her next words. Though, there was not an ounce of remorse visible in her features, only rage. "Don't force me to take that step. Or do you want to become an orphan, once again?"
Bihaan's whole composure crumbled, leaving behind a shattered expression.
Thapki felt like someone had ripped the floor from beneath her feet, and now she was floating through the air, trying desperately to find something to hold on to. Orphan. Bihaan was... But how was that possible?
Vasundhra clasped her hands in front of him. "We took you in, we raised you and gave you a name. Is it too much to ask for that in return, you do not destroy our son's life? Please!"
Bihaan reached out for her hands, hesitantly, but she pulled away and stalked past him towards the stairs, shoulder taught and stiff. Thapki couldn't look away from Bihaan- he was frozen in place, his eyes opened wide, arms still raised. But what tugged at her heart, painfully so, was his face - a mask of disbelief and hurt, a mask which bore the shattered pieces of... what, exactly? His soul? His heart? Whatever it was, it was raw and real and unbearable. She had never seen anyone this lost.
Unconsciously she took a step forward. The movement caused Bihaan to startle out of his haze. He stared at her, unfocused and afflicted. For a split second, she was sure that he wasn't really seeing her. Then, without a word, he rushed out, past Bauji and Dadi, the latter calling after him, and past a troubled looking Dhruv.
In those few minutes, Thapki had completely forgotten her own anger at Bihaan - consumed by his pain.
Thapki jerked up, the spell of remembering broken by a thud that sounded too loud in the eerie silence. Twisting a little, she squinted. There was someone scrambling up from the floor in front of the entry door, a shadow almost melting into the darkness of the hall. Her pulse quickened with nerves.
"Bihaan? I-i-is that you?"
There was silence, at first. Then, the rustling of clothes followed by low groans and hisses. The silhouette was moving, she realized, walking towards her. Unintentionally, Thapki found her muscles tense. But she didn't stand up- she didn't know what to expect. Whether a confrontation or something else therefore, she couldn't bring herself to decide what exactly she was supposed to do.
The main reason for her camping down here was that she wasn't ready to go back to Bihaan's room. To be confined within close quarters with the man this soon after everything that had happened. She needed time to lick her wounds - otherwise, she feared she would lash out at him, again. And that thought made her stomach roll sickeningly because it brought back memories of Vasundhra doing exactly that: blindly lashing out at Bihaan without realizing when she had crossed a line. Or maybe she did realize it. Judging from her composure, it hadn't seemed as if she had been swept away by her fury to such an extent.
And you have waited, a sweetly treacherous voice whispered from a far corner of her conscience. For Bihaan to come back. This was the restlessness stealing your sleep, wasn't it?
Thapki silenced the voice immediately, irritated with herself.
"Chug chug... ghadhi?"
Definitely Bihaan. He was swaying slightly, his legs unsteady and voice slurred. One moment, he was standing at the end of the couch and the next, his face was close to Thapki's, startling her to the bones. She gasped, shocked, and pressed back against the backrest, returning the thoughtful gaze of bleary, glittery eyes.
"Yesss," he nodded, satisfied, apparently. "You are chug chug gadhi!"
Thapki crinkled her nose when his breath hit it. "Are you d-dr-drunk? Bihaan-"
"Shhh!" He brought his forefinger up, placing it at her cheek, then the corner of her mouth until if finally rested on her lips. Then, very carefully, he pulled it back and laid it against his lower lip. "You... talk a lot. Always talkin' and lecturin'. Now, I," he drummed his hands against his chest as if to emphasis his point, "will talk, and M for Missh Bhashan will l for lishen!"
Thapki had no idea what she should do. Bihaan was drunk and behaving weirdly but... he was serious. In between that slurring and swaying, she could read how serious he was - so, she kept quiet.
But she surely had not expected Bihaan to fall on his knees in front of her.
Pulling her legs up hastily, the irrational fear he might touch her feet shooting through her, she cried out, "What are y-you doing?"
"M-hm!" Bihaan knitted his brows in displeasure and glared at her- which, really, looked like a pout. "You don' talk! Shhh!"
"But-"
"Shhh!"
"Fine!" she gave up, exasperatedly. Bihaan's glare diffused immediately and turned into a somber expression.
He nodded and then, grabbed both the lobes of his ears between thumbs and forefingers and blinked innocently at her. "Shorry."
Stunned, Thapki opened her mouth but not a sound was leaving it. She didn't even know what it was that she wanted to say. Her mind was still trying to wrap itself around his Sorry, to understand what he was doing and why. Apologizing... for what? "I don't... w-w-what are you s-so-so-sorry about?"
Bihaan tilted his head a little and regarded her with confusion. "Hurtin' you? You shlapped me, rem-remember?"
Oh. That... she had not expected.
"I know, I know," Bihaan continued. "I am - horrible. I alwaysh ruin everything."
Letting his arms drop, he crawled forward until he could rest his hands on the blanket that covered Thapki's legs. The tips of their fingers brushed against each other. Thapki didn't pull away, too caught into that look to really care. It was a strange mix of pain and warmness and regret, with such an intensity... Her heart hurt with each beat.
"At firsht, I wanted to make Dhruv happy. He lovesh you a lot, you know? And I deshtroyed hiss life, and I couldn't shee him hurt, anymore." He paused, his gaze wandering over her face. "Then, it wajn't about Dhruv. Not jussst him- it was about you. But I thought you love him, too. m not nishe to you, I think. You hate me but I... I care. I don't get it but seein' you in pain, or cryin' - it hurtsh." He tapped his chest. "Here. Why doej it hurt?"
He looked like a child, small and scared, trying to understand how the world worked. It lasted only for a heartbeat, the ghost of a part of his soul he kept hidden - Thapki would never forget it.
"I ruined your life," he murmured as he leaned forward and laid his chin upon her right thigh. She tensed slightly. "I wanted to make it perfect, again. Dhruv'sh perfect, he'd love you soo much. And I thought... I thought if I..." He turned his head a little so that instead of his chin, it was now his cheek pressed against her thigh. "If I united you two, I'd make you happy, for onshe."
I'd make you happy, for onshe.
Instinctively, Thapki closed her lids and inhaled deeply.
God. She wanted to be angry with! Wanted to shout at him, to make him understand that he couldn't just take such important decisions about her life without her knowledge. She wanted it so badly. Yet, she couldn't. She had lost her grip on the fury that had overflown her when she found out what Bihaan had been up to- it had disappeared hours ago and all that was left was a sea of confusion and ache.
What are you doing to me, Bihaan?
"But I meshed even that up!" He pushed himself away, using too much force. Thapki tried to reach out for him when he lost his balance and got a hold of his right wrist while he caught his fall with his other hand. Bihaan didn't pull himself back up, just sat there, scrutinizing her fingers around his wrist as if it was a most fascinating sight. "I should've refusjed," he murmured, barely audible for her. "She ssaid Dhruv pitied you, there was no love. Should've known better. And she was wrong, you're more than your shtammering."
Thapki furrowed her brows in confusion. What was he talking about? Who had told him that Dhruv didn't love her? Who thought her stammering defined her? Hadn't it been him who had held these beliefs? An unpleasant feeling rose in the pit of her stomach. "Who?"
Bihaan leaned farther away until the back of his head hovered mere inches over the floor and he could stare up at the ceiling; unintentionally, he dragged Thapki a little forward, as well. "I think... you talk beautifully."
Shocked, Thapki's grip loosened causing Bihaan to hold on to her in surprise - and the very next second, she found herself atop of him in a heap of limps. "Ouch!" Hissing lowly, she rubbed her wrist while propping both her elbows above his shoulder, straightening up a little. Bihaan's face was contorted into a pained grimace and he was gripping the back of his head. "A-a-are you alright?"
"You're i for imposshible," Bihaan growled. "Tryin' to kill me?"
Thapki scrambled off him hastily, feeling her cheeks heat up with embarrassment. Though, moment... Oh, no! She pulled her head back and hissed immediately, when stabbing pain shot through her temple. Just great. A strand of black hair was stuck in the button of the chest pocket of Bihaan's shirt.
Bihaan, apparently, didn't even notice as he stood up on unsteady legs, forcing Thapki to do the same. She tried reaching for her hair but Bihaan took a step back, pulling at it. "Bihaan, w-wait! My-" He had grabbed the sleeve of her nightgown and was tugging her along towards the door. "Bihaan!"
"I wan' to show you ssomething!"
"Yes, but m-my..." She trailed off, realizing that he wasn't listening. So, instead she quickened her pace to match his so that her hair didn't get pulled too much.
Once outside, chilly air greeted them. Thapki shuddered when her bare feet touched cold, wet earth, but she had hardly any time to really register the coldness. When Bihaan stopped abruptly, she nearly collided with his chest- she caught herself with her hands on his shoulders, each. This guy...
"Look!"
Thapki followed the direction he was pointing in; the night sky where the moon was shining in her full glory, surrounded by uncountable, beautiful stars. "What?"
"The moon!" Bihaan exclaimed as if it was the most obvious thing in the world and she just too slow to grasp it. "Look!"
"I c-ca-can see the moon," she said, still confused. "But w-why are you sh-show-showing me the moon?"
Suddenly, Bihaan was so close that his breath fanned over her face, sending shudders down her spine. "It has shpots," he whispered into her ear, like someone sharing an innermost secret to their friend. "Maa'sh never read sstories about the moon to Dhruv becaushe the moon ish flawed."
She needed a moment to decipher what he had said as the Maa' really was barely understandable, but when she did, it confused her just the more. What? That sounded strange. Was Vasundhra Maa such a perfectionist?
"But I think the moon ish beautiful. The spots don't take from it'sh beauty, they add to it- becaushe the moon makesh them." Thapki turned her face a little so that she could stare at him - her heart jumped against her ribcage when their eyes locked. "Nothing'sh perfect. Everything and everyone hash flaws, shome obvioush, others not. In the end, it depends on the pershon how they take on the problem!" He grinned lopsidedly at her, a dimple appearing above the corner of his mouth. "And you don' let your problem define you. You are shtrong and don' give up and you practishe reading all the time, that'sh why you talk very beautifully- if you're not lecturing me, that ish. You are a beautiful person."
Thapki was at a loss of words.
You are shtrong and don' give up and you practishe reading all the time, that'sh why you talk very beautifully.
You are a beautiful person.
Dizziness spread through her, not particularly uncomfortable- the sort when you felt like you were floating. Light and warm. She wasn't sure if her mind was processing Bihaan's words completely but... but they hit. They just hit a bundle of nerves deep inside of her, causing a wave of prickling warmth to flood her veins.
And he was still looking at her, open and honest with the merest hint of wonder in his features.
It was too much.
She stepped back, her own pulse buzzing in her ears, and hisses in surprise when pain shot through her scalp. My hair! How could she have forgotten?
"What'shi thish?" Bihaan asked as he took the strand into a gentle grip. "Why did you put your hair there?"
"I d-did-didn't," he replied and couldn't keep a note of amusement out of her tone. "It's stuck."
"Oh." The tip of his tongue peeking out of his mouth and with an extremely concentrated expression covering his face, Bihaan tried to free her strand. Thapki watched him for a moment doing a lousy job- he was drunk and his sense of coordination messed up badly.
"L-let-let me." She took over, their fingers brushing, and pulled carefully. Being this close, she could hear his heart beating erratically in his chest- in synch with her own, strangely enough. It made her beyond nervous.
When her hair was finally free, she heaved a sigh of relief. Bihaan, on the other hand, wasn't satisfied, just yet. "Where're your shoes?"
Thapki raised a fine eyebrow and shrugged. "Inside. I f-for-for-forgot them." Not that you left me much of a choice.
Bihaan pursed his lips in contemplation before, all of a sudden, he kicked off his own shoes and sock. To her credit, Thapki couldn't say that she was that shocked. Nothing could shock her, anymore, that she was sure about- at least, somewhat. If there was one thing she had learned about Bihaan then, it was that the man was unpredictable.
"'sh not bad," Bihaan said slowly while he rubbed his feet in the wet earth. "I've alwaysh liked it. Playing in the rain and mud, waj fun. Maa hatesh it- alwaysh scolded me. Never Dhruv, though. He'sh perfect, makesh to mistakesh."
Curiously, Thapki tried to gauge Bihaan's tone. It was sad, no more than a lone whisper, but... there was not a hint of resentment. There was no mocking undertone when he described Dhruv as perfect- only a fact he was listing. But the quiver between his words when talking about Vasundhra... she couldn't have missed it even if she wanted to.
"We took you in, we raised you and gave you a name. Is it too much to ask for that in return, you do not destroy our son's life? Please!"
When Bihaan sat down on the earth, Thapki, without thinking, followed suit. She wrapped her arms around her knees and stared up at the sky, their shoulders touching. "I never knew that you w-w-we-were adopted."
He tensed considerably next to him.
"Your f-fa-family loves you a lot," she found herself saying.
"Maa doesn't," he disagreed. "No matter what I do... she never lovesh me."
Thapki's chest tightened painfully. Bihaan was always smiling or arguing with her, he joked around and cared for his family greatly - she would have never thought that behind this, there was a broken personality hidden.
"She was angry when she scolded you, today." Which was true but Thapki was sure that Vasundhra has meant everything she had thrown at him, without remorse. That realization was the only reason she couldn't bring herself to assure him, I'm sure she will calm down and apologize.
"I just wanted Druv'sh happinessh."
Thapki looked at him. "I don't th-thin-think his happiness l-lies with me."
Bihaan frowned. "But you love each other!"
"Loved," she corrected gently. "It's m-my past, now."
He didn't seem to fully understand what she was trying to say. Was it that hard to believe? She wasn't dwelling on her past with Dhruv, hadn't for a long time, and was very happy that he had decided to move on in his life, no matter the reason.
"Sho, I can't repent?" Bihaan wondered quietly, forehead crinkled with troubled thoughts.
"M-may-maybe you already h-ha-have," she whispered. "As long as y-you don't p-pull any more st-stup-stupid stunts."
Silence befell them, a peaceful, relaxing silence. The heavy weight of the night's events, of things revealed to her still lingered in the air - but she chose to ignore it, for now. When Bihaan was more sober, she would confront him about certain things, but not now. She wouldn't take advantage of his current condition.
When Bihaan's head fell on his shoulder, she didn't even flinch.
"Can't... promishe... no shtupidness..." And he was asleep.
Thapki smiled softly, a sincere, amused smile. Who would have thought that Bihaan Pandey could turn into such a child while drunk? A cute one.
###
What?
Thapki blinked her eyes open, surprised to feel a soft and warm surface beneath her and something covering her from the shoulder down. A bed. Furrowing her brows in confusion, she let her gaze roam. This was... Bihaan's room. His bed. His pillows and blanket. But - how did she end up here? Last thing she remembered was sitting outside with Bihaan's head on her shoulder as she watched the night sky.
Did... did Bihaan carry her to their room? Tuck her in? She felt her pulse quicken at the thought.
"...to understand!"
Vasu Maa.
"But, Maa!"
Bihaan.
The voices were coming from somewhere behind her, and Thapki stiffened, unintentionally. Had that woken her up? They were talking in hushed whispers, obviously trying to be quiet. She didn't move, didn't let them know that she was awake- she didn't know why but her instincts told her not to move.
"Remember what you always declare with pride? I can even give my life for you, Maa. But all I needed you to do was to save Dhruv's life!"
"It wouldn't have been ruined when he would have-"
"Don't even think about completing that sentence, Bihaan!" she cut him off sharply. "You know to what length I went to break Dhruv and Thapki's marriage!" Thapki's heart stopped beating for a split second. "And after I got you married to her, I won't let you ruin everything!"
And after I got you married to her, I won't let you ruin everything!
Thapki couldn't breathe.
"If you try to break his marriage with Aditi and bring that stammering girl back into his life, I swear, Bihaan, you will die for me."
"...have I ever even existed for you, Maa?"
Hastily, she brought a hand to her mouth in order to block the gasp that was trying to break out from her mouth. God. She had never heard anyone sound so broken.
"Don't play smart with me, Bihaan."
"I am not," he disagreed. "I won't try to break Dhruv's marriage. I... I am just tired of being the bad guy. Of lying to everyone about why I married Thapki. She doesn't deserve all of this."
"Oh, so you want to tell them that it was all me?"
"Of course not! I am just-"
"I don't care, really. This conversation is over - and remember, when I even have the slightest suspicion that you are trying to cause trouble for Dhruv..." She left the sentence incomplete and soon after, Thapki heard a door close.
During that whole conversation, they hadn't raised their voices, once.
There was the sound of rustling clothes, a quiet thud followed by a deep, sigh. When she risked a glance over her shoulder, she saw Bihaan sitting against the opposite wall, head thrown back, eyes closed- were that silent tears streaming down his cheeks?
Her heart ached.
She felt as if someone had tipped her whole world around and left her floating in the air, trying to find something solid for support. Her head was swimming, and too many emotions were raging inside of her- disbelief, hurt, resentment.
But most of all, seeing Bihaan like this, it made insides ache with unbearable pain.
When Thapki brought two fingers up to her cheekbones, tentatively, she found them wet. Tears.
Hindi TV Shows
