Dear Sayli

First of all thank you Kiara!

You really don't know how much this all means to me! How nice it feels to know that you are loved by someone other than your family! Someone who despite knowing what I have gone through has accepted me! Many people love me! Even the people with whom am associated for the social work that I do love me like their own child but shayad jab un logo ko pata chalega what has happened in my life where I have stopped living completely and am just alive for the sake of it they might reject me.

Maybe the time had come for people to know that the mask that I had been carrying was a mask and that I am hiding something from them, some pain because just a few days later after I told all of you my bua asked my mother what has happened to me. The girl that used to talk extensively let it be in person or on the phone now doesn't utter even a word! She no longer has that spark in her! Kya hua kya hai usko!! These were the exact words of my bua! Two people with whom my family works with for the betterment of the society(social work) approached my baba and asked him what has happened to me they I guess felt something amiss! Shayad accha hi hua ya bura hua I don't know but right now I am much better.

After talking to you all that day I don't know from where but I got the courage to go to my mum and tell her that I'm ready to go and get help from a doctor whom she had already met before telling me about him. I still remember the date clearly 1 August the day that changed my life the day I met my doctor. Now I'm on antidepressants and to be truthful they are really helpful I have now started studying again have started smiling, no longer have sleepless nights and sleepy days! Maybe I was more hurt this time as I knew that if I have to face the pain I faced a few years back again a second time I will break and that too beyond repair. I spent 6 important months of life simply alive but not living.

I don't remember the number of times I had considered ending all of this pain in one go both my pain and my family's pain. Yes you read right I did consider ending my life but each time my family's face came infront of my eyes and I left it and came running to the forum for some relief. I had written a letter but haven't given it to my parents because I stopped myself from finishing everything and I'm happy that I did so.

I recently read somewhere that pyaar tootne se jitna dard hota usse se jyada vishwas tootne se hota hai aur bhi apno ne toda hua! Aur uske ghav bhalehi gehre na ho par dard bohot dete hai! In my case the ghaav that I received the second time was above the first one that had just started to heal! And as we know a wound on a previous wound is very painful that was the exact case with me!

Kabhi kabhi lagta hai that in all this all the fault is mine I should have never trusted anybody never made friends. Agar aisa kiya hota toh I wouldn't have been so hurt to this extent! Shayad right now I would have been living a happy life with no pain. Don't know! Was I at fault? Was I wrong?

This forum with all of you have been my saviours knowingly and unknowingly both.

I don't know whether I will once again be able to make new friends but right now I don't need them as I know that I have all of you. I can remove the mask in front of all of you and bare my heart in front of you because I know you are there for me. Jab last Friday ko my father was admitted tab din bhar I acted strong in front of all but inside I was breaking tab I talked to Eshu and felt better much better. So much that even after spending a sleepless night the next day I got up again with new found energy and started working again because I knew when I would need pour my emotions out at night you all will be there for me!

Shaveerakti I don't know whether my telling all of you was brave or not but I kinda knew that my telling you will make me feel better and you are there for me so I told all of you. But yes one thing I learnt from all of this is that it's nice to share you feel better.

Thank you all of you for being there always there for me and bearing my rantings and complains and letting me cry my heart out on your shoulders.

I truly don't know what all I have written as I am down with a fever for the past few days and hence the delay in writing this reply! I know this is why too long but thanks for reading this. And Kiara thank you and I missed you a lot. I might come back soon full-fledged as I am getting better with the counselling sessions so watch out as I might be back with my boring stories ready to bore all of you.

Lots of love

Sayli