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SWASAN ONE SHOT - Wish I could remember!
BY ANJALI
The room was plain. The walls were such a bare colour. Cream. Should this reassure him or scare him. In a corner of the room, a receptionist sat typing something on the computer. God, this was supposed to be a relaxation clinic, Not a hospital. But it even smelled like one. Finally, not able to sit any longer, He went and approached the receptionist.
Man : Excuse me.. Do you know how much longer it will take?
Receptionist : I'm so sorry, Sir! Dr Sinha will be free in a few minutes. Please take a seat.
He sighed and sat down again. Fifteen minutes later, The receptionist called him and smiled.
Receptionist : Mr Mehra? Dr Sinha is read to see you now.
He followed her to the adjoining room and forced a smile on his face. As he entered, A musical voice was heard.
A musical female voice.
Voice : Well! Mr Sharma! I'll see you next week, Same time. ok? And make sure not to gorge yourself again. Will power! Ok?
A man left and Sanskaar was ushered inside to meet Dr Sinha! He was expecting a female, say in her late 40s to early 50s, but to his surprise, he found a very young, attractive woman. She was wearing a blue salwar with a small shiny bindi and jhumkis in her ears. Her smile was bewitching, warm and inviting. Her hair was tied loosely with a barette.
As she turned to greet him, Sanskaar was mesmerized by her eyes. Her perfect, large, brown eyes that widened in shock and recognition for a fleeting second before settling down into a soft expression.
Dr Sinha : Mr Mehra! Please enter.. So you're my surprise client... Please have a seat (pointing at a comfortable sofa)
Sanskaar straightened and smiled at her warm , welcoming voice.
Sanskaar : Please... Call me Sanskaar!
Another expression crossed her features before she smiled at him.
Dr Sinha : Of Course, Sanskaar! Please... do sit! (He sat) Dr Rathore recommended me to you?
Sanskaar (nodding) : Laksh was very worried for me. After my accident...
Dr Sinha (interrupting) : Your accident? What and when did this happen?
Sanskaar : It was about 2 month ago. I have no idea what and where it happened. I don't know why it happened. My fiancee...
Dr Sinha (interrupting again) : Fiancee? You are engaged?
Sanskaar : Yes! We got engaged a week back.
Dr Sinha : I see. So please continue.
Sanskaar : Well, My fiancee told me that I was beaten up by some people and left in a really terrible state. I was unconscious for a week apparently.
Dr Sinha : And Dr Laksh Rathore asked you to come see me because?..
Sanskaar : I've been disturbed lately. And he thought you might be the perfect person to talk to.
Dr Sinha (her eyes widening) : You're paying me Rs 1200 every session just to talk?
Sanskaar looked around the office. The decor was a really relaxing blue... It reminded him of the sky. The slight calm breezy sky. He looked at Dr Sinha's waiting face and hesitated. He was usually good around people. He was calm and friendly towards strangers and loved to mingle. But this Dr Sinha! She made him feel transparent. Like his inner most secrets were on display.
Sanskaar : Well! Laksh thinks I need to think and talk. He told me you were the perfect person for that. So.. Yes! I don't mind. (eyes crikling teasingly) Vaise, You mind?
Dr Sinha : Not at all... Is there something in particular you'd like to discuss?
Sanskaar frowned. Was it his imagination or did Dr Sinha's voice sound sad and hopeful, Both at the same time? But it was not even a fleeting expression. She had settled into a soothing gentle smile once again.
Sanskaar couldn't stop staring at her. This Dr Sinha was the most beautiful woman he had seen. Her brown eyes matched her fair complexion perfectly. Her hair, an envious straight mass of black hair was so mesmerizing. If his hand ran through his hair? Oh God! What was he thinking? He'd been getting a lot of these strange feelings ever since the accident.
Dr Sinha : Sanskaar! Is there a problem?
Sanskaar (clearing his mind) : Sorry Dr Sinha! No... Nothing's wrong. I don't have anything in particular. But Laksh thinks I am mentally disturbed.
Dr Sinha (vaguely amused) : Why is that?
Sanskaar : As I said... The incident... I was protecting someone, I am pretty sure of that... But before that, I don't remember anything.
Dr Sinha : Do you remember who you were protecting?
Sanskaar (shaking his head) : No! I've thought a lot about this, But I really don't. In fact, I've tried everything.
Dr Sinha : And does this memory loss affect your way of living?
Sanskaar (giving a wry smile) : How is it supposed to affect me if I can't remember anything?
Dr Sinha ( grinning) : Well, I know Dr Laksh and if he sent you here, he must have a very good reason.
Sanskaar : Perhaps. Sometimes, I have these flashes. They're just feelings mostly. They make me feel warm. But not anything else. (answering the doctor's smile) I told Laksh about that and he told me I had to see you.
Dr Sinha ( dubiously ) : Just because of some feelings? I'm sure there's more.
Sanskaar (admitting with a grin) : Fine! I do know a little. Laksh told me... I was trying to protect a girl... She was somehow involved. But Laksh won't tell me who the girl is.
Dr Sinha : Shouldn't that bother you?
Sanskaar : I was curious, yes! But I don't remember her, So it doesn't bother me.
Dr Sinha : Hmm... Did he tell anything else?
Sanskaar (not really hearing her) : Kavita knows.
Dr Sinha (politely) : Kavita?
Sanskaar : My fiancee.
Dr Sinha (her voice different) : Your fiancee...
Something about her tone made Sanskaar. But she sat there with an easy smile. Taken aback, he watched her cross her leg over her knee.
Dr Sinha : So Kavita knows about the incident?
Sanskaar : She was at the hospital with me the whole time.
Dr Sinha : What did she tell you?
Sanskaar didn't have to think. The questions Dr Sinha was asking were something he had asked himself a long time ago. The answers now came out mechanically. It was meant to be light, But the feeling in the back of his head just wouldn't shut up.
Sanskaar : She told me that someone had hit the back of my head. I lost my memory of the last few months. (frowning) I don't remember anything. There was one more woman at the hospital... With Kavita! She had black hair (looking up at Dr Sinha) Just like yours. I was half-conscious at that time, and she left quickly. Later when I asked Kavita about it, She told me she didn't know who that was.
There was silence. It was an uncomfortable silence for Sanskaar. He couldn't take his eyes of the doctor. She was a mask, and that made her look unfeeling. But finally. her lips tilted into a soft grin.
Dr Sinha leaned forward and Sanskaar nodded in expectancy. A sudden flash of pain showed in her eyes that hurt Sanskaar. His chest ached. She was too beautiful and innocent to hurt.
Dr Sinha : Have you ever had your heart broken?
Sanskaar (blankly) : I don't think so. I certainly don't recall anything.
She giggled lightly and drew out a breath.
Dr Sinha : Well, That's good then! How do you feel about this incident?
Sanskaar (after a pause) : Indifferent.
But that was not true, he wasn't indifferent. He was having strange feelings... flashes of something that he couldn't seem to remember at all. He wasn't indifferent. He was frustrated and agonized that he would never know the absolute truth. It would always elude him.
Dr Sinha (eyes focusing on him) : You are not curious? Why exactly did you lose your memory?
Sanskaar : Well, The person who punched me or who caused my accident must have done that. There was force behind the punch.
He winced, as if remembering the pain. He looked over at Dr Sinha who seemed to be concentrating on something. But her eyes were glazed, showing that she wasn't really concentrating there. Her mind was elsewhere.
Sanskaar (continuing) : Kavita told me not to bother with the details. She spoke to the hospital authorities and took care of everything. I met the doctor two days ago and he said that everything was alright. I've recovered. But...
Dr Sinha :But?
Sanskaar : But I haven't. I know I haven't recovered. Something's missing, but I don't know what it is. So, I can't really ache about the loss, can I?
Dr Sinha : That is interesting, certainly. I do want to give you an assignment though! (Sanskaar groaned and she laughed) Don't worry Sanskaar... It's not a huge assignment.
She smiled sweetly and Sanskaar couldn't deny her.
Sanskaar : Alright Dr Sinha!
Dr Sinha : Well then, That's all for now, Sanskaar! Our time for today is up.
Sanskaar (standing up) : Thank you Dr... (Realizing that he didn't know her name) Do you really want to be called Dr Sinha? It sounds so old and formal. And that doesn't suit you at all.
Dr Sinha (a slight patch of pink appearing on her cheeks which fascinated Sanskaar) : Right now... Dr Sinha will do. But maybe I'll tell you soon.
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That evening, As Sanskaar was sitting down in the living room, having a drink, Laksh came to visit.
Laksh : Drinking? Seriously?
Sanskaar (tiredly) : Aur kya karoon?
Laksh saw Sanskaar look out the door through which he had just come in.
Laksh : You looking for Kavita again? (distastefully) Where is she anyway?
Sanskaar (chuckling) : You seriously don't like her. Why? She has gone out with her friends.
Sanskaar felt his head pounding again. But since Laksh was here, He merely winced and willed the pain to go away. Ignoring the ache, he continued to sip his drink. After all, If Laksh found out about this, He would be worried and think it was even more necessary for the therapist.
Sanskaar : So, You wanted to talk about something important?
Laksh : My friend! do I need a reason to talk to my best bud? (grinning which faded when he saw Sanskaar looking at him calmly and silently) How did the first session go?
Sanskaar shrugged. His mind flashed to the brown-haired beauty, and he frowned at the instinctive feeling of protection he felt towards her. It was ridiculous, but it was there. She was so small and at times, sad. He felt it from the bottom of his heart.
Sanskaar : She told me to write anything down that I remembered from my flashes.
Laksh (incredulously) : You actually spoke only about yourself?
Sanskaar (laughing mildly) : It is a session for ME! Who else will I talk about? Also, YOU are the one paying. Why waste the money already than I am. Why am I doing this Laksh? Why?
Laksh (quietly) : It is not a waste of money.
His eyes were sad. They grew silent. Ever since Sanskaar told Laksh that he was proposing to Kavita, the former seemed to act disturbed. The questions came, the accusations, and finally, Laksh's demand for him to see a therapist. Of course, he questioned his best friend's sanity. Laksh was fine with the incident; he didn't pressure him to remember. But now...
Sanskaar (sighing) : It's not a waste. But why am I doing this?
Laksh responded with an enigmatic smile.
Laksh : Because you'll be making the biggest mistake of your life if you don't.
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THE NEXT DAY
She was wearing a green blouse with a yellow skirt. Her hair was a cascading waterfall of brown and black behind her back. Sanskaar straightened from his sprawled position on the chair he claimed to be his, and watched Dr Sinha rush into the room.
Dr Sinha (murmuring) : I'm late.. I'm late.. Oh no! I'm late.
She seemed to freeze midway when she realized that he was inside. Biting his lip to stifle his smile, he raised a hand in greeting.
Sanskaar : Don't worry Doctor! You're not late.
An embarrassed giggle spilled from her and she straightened, a faint flush appearing on her cheeks. Amusedly fascinated, he watched her tilt her head, her hair slipping over her shoulders. A small frown quirked his eyebrows at the sight.
He suddenly flashed out as he remembered something.
" I'm not mad... " She said as she tilted her head to one side. He watched the way her silky hair would fall over her shoulders and he resisted the urge to tuck her hair behind her ears.
Sanskaar (gruffly) : One mintue, Dr Sinha! I just... I just need a moment!
Dr Sinha : Of Course, Sanskaar! I shall settle down by that time as well.
She dropped large files on her desk and turned her heel. Sanskaar turned the other way and dazedly he watched the spot she was previously standing in, desperately trying to search the memory in hopes of an extension. He clenched his hand, and without thinking, he grabbed the blank notepad in his pocket she handed him a few days ago and wrote what came to mind.
Unseeingly, he stared at his scribble, not bothering to read what he'd written. He knew that he would find it absurd and scratch it off. Maybe he'll keep it, this one time. Not for him, of course, but for Laksh... because he was paying for this.
Sanskaar chuckled darkly at his thoughts and pocketed the notepad.
Sanskaar (thinking) : God, I'm going crazy.
Dr Sinha spoke suddenly. Sanskaar turned towards her and was dumbstruck by her bright and beautiful smile.
Dr Sinha (speaking in a rush and softly) : I'm sorry Sanskaar! I was told that you were coming in today, but I'm so used to my old schedule... Sorry, that makes me seem unprofessional. (She grinned sheepishly as she took her seat) But I am, I promise.
Sanskaar smiled as she earnestly tried to reassure him.
Sanskaar : Dr Sinha! Please relax... I believe you.
Dr Sinha (smiling sweetly) : So... How are you?
Her voice was genuine, as if she truly cared about his well-being. Sanskaar shook his head and leaned forward, his elbows supporting him on his thighs.
Sanskaar : I'm... fine. (grinning slightly) What about you?
Dr Sinha : Oh.. I'm fine. (she straightened herself, then wagged a finger at him) But this is your session.
She laughed and Sanskaar could not help but note the way her green shirt brought the colour out of her eyes brilliantly.
Dr Sinha : How is life at home?
Sanskaar : I live alone, so there isn't much, except for work and lounging in front of the television.
He shot her a crooked grin. He felt at ease in her presence, almost as if he were talking to an old friend.
Dr Sinha (amused) : And do you cook?
Sanskaar (smiling sheepishly) : Does the microwave count?
Dr Sinha : I don't think so, Mr Mehra!
Sighing, she leaned back and gave him an assessing look.
Dr Sinha : Now that we've eased into the conversation, How is the note book going?
He practically felt the burn of the words he wrote. Strangely enough, he didn't want to show it to her, at least not yet. Instead, he shook his head.
Sanskaar : It's blank!
Dr Sinha (calmly) : Koi baat nahi Sanskaar! I'm sure the memories will come in its own time. So, What does your fiancee feel about these sessions?
Sanskaar (shaking his head again) : Laksh told me not to tell her until my fifth session.
Her eyebrows shot up. Somehow, he expected that reaction from her.
Dr Sinha (reproachfully) : You don't think she will feel bad?
Sanskaar (laughing shortly) : Maybe.
Dr Sinha (interested) : That sounds intriguing. Elaborate please!
Sanskaar : Laksh and Kavita don't exactly get along. Well, they don't get along well, now, I suppose. (frowning) Before the incident, I knew for a fact that they were good friends. But they got into a huge fight - she still won't talk about it - and now I'm the one stuck in the middle.
Dr Sinha ( concerned) : Did Dr Rathore.. umm.. Laksh tell you what happened?
Sanskaar : Trust me, I've tried. Now I just leave them alone and try to ignore it.
Dr Sinha stared out the window for some time before turning back to Sanskaar and speaking.
Dr Sinha : Why don't you tell me about Kavita?
He didn't expect that. For a moment, all he could do was stare blankly at her before a smile tugged his lips at the reminder of his best friend. He made a useless gesture with his hand and dropped it with a chuckle.
Sanskaar : She's great. We grew up together and... She's temperamental and she can be a bitch, but I can't help but put up with her. She's all I've got.
The doctor stared at him with her piercing and calculating eyes and made a statement.
Dr Sinha : You love her.
Sanskaar (ironic smile) : Well, I am marrying her.
His voice was gentle and soft, but he couldn't help but feel that there was a strange tone to those words. He was marrying Kavita. He figured that since they started dating, the natural next step would be marriage. Wouldn't it? She told him she loved him, and she knew he loved her... what was stopping them?
Dr Sinha : Touche, Mr Mehra! So...
Sanskaar (smiling) : So?
Dr Sinha (leaning forward and placing a hand on Sanskaar's) : If you retrieved your memories, what are you planning on doing?
She tilted her head to one side and Sanskaar zeroed in on the moment.
And suddenly, it was just the two of them in the world. He stared straight ahead, conveniently at her, trying to remember the feeling that suddenly overcame his body. It was soothing, but it made him feel powerful. He could almost feel her small hand in his, the warmth spreading through his chest. and he unconsciously clenched his hand.
He was pulled out of his reverie with a sharp exhale.
Sanskaar : Pardon? what did you say?
But she had been watching him closely and now asked.
Dr Sinha : What just happened?
He couldn't lie to her eyes.
Sanskaar (admitting) : A strange feeling.. That's it. (silently begging God not to have him repeat what he felt because he knew he would sound ridiculous. She waited patiently, and he inwardly concluded that he had no choice but to tell her, because he knew that he wasn't going to write this down.) I... I sometimes get this comfortable feeling.. This wave of warmth and love over me, I don't know. It's a really happy moment, but I don't know why I'm happy. I just am.
He shrugged awkwardly as Dr Sinha gave out a small soft smile. He was just happy? How bizarre did that sound? God.. This doctor was going to think him crazy.
Dr Sinha (amused) : So, I think I'm right in assuming that Laksh knows nothing of this?
Sanskaar (smiling back) : Well, You certainly wouldn't lose the bet.
Dr Sinha : Do you think this ahs anything to do with Kavita?
Sanskaar (observing her for a moment, then shaking his head) : No.
Dr Sinha : Why not?
Sanskaar (bitterly) : Because if it had anything to do with Kavita, I would be feeling the same way with her all the time, opposed to those useless flashes I get.
He ran a hand over his face, feeling the exhaustion ripping inside his body. If he stayed on the topic of his incident too long, especially the unanswered questions, he started to feel a little tense.
God, why did he have to lose his memory?
Dr Sinha (gently, perhaps realising that Sanskaar was in conflict) : Do you think this might be due to something else?
Sanskaar : Not a question of something... I think it has something to do with someone.
He stared hard at the ground, tracing the pattern of millions of tiny stones. They weren't even patterns, but it entranced his eyes all the same. His chest was tight with the unrelenting desire to just know, to stop wondering.
But as always, it was no use. No matter how long he sat in silence, racking his brain, he would never remember clearly. Sanskaar let out a tired sigh. He was so DAMN tired of being this clueless all the time.
Sanskaar : I think I loved her...
He suddenly said that, looking up from the ground and was startled to see that she hasn't moved from her position, and upheld the focused look in her eyes. There was a sort of consoling, sweet smile on her face that made him stop and stare. Not because she was beautiful, but because he felt like he's seen her smile somewhere, before, long ago...
Dr Sinha (soft) : You think?
He was pulled out of his reverie. Shaking his head, he lowered his chin.
Sanskaar (in a low voice) : Yeah... I think I used to love someone. I don't remember much.. I.. think I can remember her laugh. It was really sweet and tinkling.
As a small satisfied smile appeared upon Sanskaar's lips, He missed the utter look of misery that flashed through Dr Sinha's eyes at his demeanor. He shook his head roughly.
Sanskaar : I'm sorry.. but what time is it?
Dr Sinha looked up at the clock and then spoke with a thick voice, after clearing her throat twice. She couldn't bring herself to look at him.
Dr Sinha : Right sorry Sanskaar! Our time is up... we will talk next session. It was good talking to you.
Sanskaar wanted to escape. Barely tolerating the polite exchange of words, He mumbled a hurried pleasantry and was out the door before the doctor even had a chance to get out of the chair.
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He lied.
When he said that it didn't bother him that he didn't remember her - he lied.
He lied straight through his teeth.
He stopped running; he didn't care for the sweat soaking through his shirt, or the ache shooting up his legs. He grinded his teeth, and with a snarl, pulled his fist back before punching the tree conveniently to his right. He ignored the ache and blood on his knuckles.
He felt a frustrated sob rise to his throat, but he didn't release it. Instead, he swallowed the pain and collapsed on the grass, leaning back as his arms supported his upper body. He stared up at the clear, blue sky.
He wanted it to rain, long, hard and heavy. He wanted to feel the raindrops beat against his skin until he couldn't feel anymore.
Laksh wasn't stupid. He knew what he was doing, telling him to go see a therapist; he clearly needed one. Sanskaar sometimes wondered if he was clinically depressed, because what else would this feeling be? It was rampaging his entire essence. It was an agonizing feeling, practically feeling and knowing the memory... but at the same time, he didn't. It wasn't his, it didn't belong to his mind.
It was within his grasp, but no matter how hard he pushed himself, he couldn't seem to reach it. He just... couldn't.
He let out an agonized sigh as his phone began to chime suddenly.
Unenthusiastically, he pulled it out of his pocket : Kavita...
What was he doing? His mind flashed to the session, feeling the pain intensify within his chest. What was he doing to her? To him? What was SHE doing to him?
Sanskaar (picking up the call, trying to sound cheerful) : Hey Kavita!
He felt the sting of his hand, and he scowled, briefly berating himself. He was not the type of person to take his anger out on... trees. He felt stupid.
Kavita (sounding excited) : Sanskaar, Tumhe pata hai... You absolutely won't believe it.. You know Raksha right? She's pregnant! Sanskaar, She's pregnant. Can you believe it? I'm so excited. I couldn't wait to tell you.
Sanskaar (smiling) : That's exciting news.
But her next words removed the smile from his face.
Kavita (playfully) : I can just imagine our kids, You know?
He froze. The words suddenly made his whole body go cold, and his chest felt empty. A family, huh? Well, they were getting married. Why wouldn't they have a family?
Kavita : Sanskaar?
A voice : Mr Mehra?
His head snapped forward, and his eyes met warm,intense brown. Her gaze was worried, but that clearly wasn't the reason as to why he couldn't look away.
Kavita (puzzled) : Is there someone with you Sanskaar?
Dr Sinha laughed a light, helpless laugh before motioning to his cell phone. She knelt down so that she would be at his level and spoke softly.
Dr Sinha : They're expecting your answer.
Sanskaar (looking down at his phone) : Shit... Uh, sorry Kavita, but I'm going to have to call you back.
Kavita : Sansk...
But Sanskaar had already cut the call.
Sanskaar : Dr Sinha! What're you doing?
She stopped midway from rustling in her giant purse to look up at him in bewilderment. She looked at him blankly, before slowly, deliberately, dragging her gaze to his injured hand. She looked back at him expectantly.
He had to smirk.
Sanskaar (stretching his hand towards her) : Touche!
She smiled and pulled out a handkerchief.
Dr Sinha : I don't have a first aid kit.. So we shall have to manage with this.
He watched her wrap his hand; he didn't bother asking why she was doing this. He had a feeling that she'd only evade his question.
Sanskaar (curiously) : Shouldn't you be at work?
After all, His was not the last appointment of the day.
Dr Sinha : I was there. But my client had an important event he couldn't miss so I came this way. I was worried.
She smiled briefly at the spot over his head.
Sanskaar : Why?
She pointedly looked at his injured hand, before finally, her eyes met his. She spoke, her gentle voice, making the words sound like a carress.
Dr Sinha (softly) : Because sometimes, you need someone to watch over you.
Sanskaar opened his mouth to speak.. but she was already walking away.
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As he walked into the increasingly familiar office, His face grew a sheepish expression. She was bent over her drawer, her brown hair falling over her shoulders. Inhaling sharply, he tapped the opened door lightly.
Sanskaar : Knock, Knock!
Dr Sinha looked up, surprised written on her face, before a breathtaking smile lit her face.
Dr Sinha : Hello!
That one word made him feel pleasant. Even though it sounded stupid, it was just the way it was. He smiled a half grin.
Sanskaar : Hi!
She straightened, before she placed a hand on her hip, a playful frown on her face.
Dr Sinha : So where have you been all this while? It's been two weeks.
Sanskaar closed the door behind him, but didn't take a seat quite yet. Dr Sinha went around her desk to face him, a playful determined look on her face. Oh, he knew that she was expecting him. Laksh let him know too. He just couldn't find it in himself to pick up the phone and tell her that seeing her wasn't a good idea. He couldn't even listen to her messages for God's sake.
It still wasn't, but the level of his willpower decreased. He couldn't stop the gravitational pull between them.
Yeah, he admitted it. Dr Sinha provoked feelings in him that, honestly, scared the shit out of him. He couldn't even talk about his turmoil to his therapist because - well would you look at that - it was about her. The irony.
Honestly, he wasn't as bitter as he let on. Life was just a downward spiral. How was he going to admit to Kavita that maybe marrying her wasn't such a good idea, mostly - mainly - because he was starting to feel unexplainable feelings for this Dr Sinha enigma. And he was pretty sure that you shouldn't go into marriage if you aren't one-hundred percent sure about your decision.
Sanskaar : I got your messages.
He admitted that.. but he didn't listen to a single one. God knows what her voice does to him. He rubbed the back of his neck, hating that he was lying.
Sanskaar : I... I was just busy, you know. Wedding preparations and Kavita wanted me to be with her.
He could've sworn her smile fell, but it was probably just him. Her smile was still brilliant.
Dr Sinha : No problem. Well, Have a seat. I'll be right back.
She was back in two minutes. She still smiled at him, but this time her eyes were shining, and they looked moist? Also, Her smile seemed forced.
Dr Sinha : How were the past two weeks?
Sanskaar : Busy, As I said. How were yours?
Dr Sinha : Fine...
She was talking in an absent-minded way, making notes about god knows what in her notepad. What the hell was she writing? She never wrote anything down.
Dr sinha : Have you been writing anything down?
Startled that she went right at it, he stared at her for a few moments incomprehensively. Dr Sinha had a concentrated look on her face, but when she looked up, she looked confused.
Dr Sinha : Sanskaar?
Sanskaar (lying) : No.
It was stupid to tell her that he almost associated the feelings in his memories with what he felt when he thought of her. How completely unprofessional. He almost snorted at his thought.
She nodded in understanding.
Dr Sinha : That's alright..
She smiled a warm smile and he felt himself relax in relief. There was the Dr Sinha he knew.
Dr Sinha : We are going to try something new and different today. You up for it?
Sanskaar (with a wry smile) : Do I have a choice?
Dr Sinha (responding with a cute smile) : I'm afraid not!
She paused, and seemed to be inwardly debating a matter in her head. Her eyebrows were narrowed ever so slightly and watching her, he felt his hands rise on their own accord, almost like...like he wanted to... pull her to him.
Tensed, he straightened and awaited her words.
Dr Sinha (paying no attention to the tension) : Umm.. (blushing slightly) This may sound weird, but we are going to go to the beach today.
Sanskaar (eyebrows raised) : Beach? (questioning like he had not heard correctly)
Dr Sinha (nodding) : That's right.
But if he didn't know any better, it were almost as if she were forcing the words out of her throat.
Dr Sinha : To tell the truth, Dr Rathore thought it might be a good idea to go to the beach today. He's worried about you.
Sanskaar watched her, an unreadable expression on his face. Laksh was worried. As if he didn't know that.
But the way she said it made his chest clench.
Sanskaar (skeptically) : So he suggested the beach?
Dr Sinha (cheerily) : Yes. (sensing his mood) Don't you like the beach?
No. They just made him completely miserable.
Guessing his answer, She continued.
Dr Sinha : I'm a therapist! You're paying me to discuss your problems. You don't need coaxing if you came here willingly. And today.. Today, You came of your own accord. Willingly.
She shot him a pointed look, but it wasn't condescending. It was sweet and it made him smile. Sighing, he rubbed the back of his neck. Where was he supposed to start? He felt like the life is sucked out of him whenever he stepped into an atmosphere remotely like a beach resonated? He knew it had to do with something he forgot. Maybe something horrible happened. Maybe something wonderful. If anything, it had to do with the girl he was once in love with.
God, strong feelings were provoked even after memories were erased... it had to mean something. It can't not.
Dr Sinha : How's Kavita?
Sanskaar shook himself out of his reverie, his mind flashing to his best friend. She was fine; great, even.
But that was because she didn't know about these sessions. He briefly wondered what she would do if she discovered it was all Laksh's doing.
Sanskaar : She doesn't know I come here still.
Dr Sinha : Accha? Then where does she think you are?
Sanskaar : She assumes I'm with Laksh.
He shot her a crooked grin when she shook her head good-naturedly.
Sanskaar : So.. shall we go?
Dr Sinha : Really? You don't mind. It will certainly take more than an hour's session time...
Sanskaar : I don't mind as long as...
As long as you're with me..
Shit! Was that what he had been about to say?
Dr Sinha : As long as?
Sanskaar just stared at her blankly.
Dr Sinha : Mr Mehra?
Sanskaar : Nothing. Chalo, Let's go.
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He couldn't stop himself from laughing.
She was just so... unprofessional that he couldn't help but smile. The way she tried to eat her cotton candy reminded him of a child; she wasn't neat. She was scowling and struggling, muttering god-knows-what under her breath. He thought it was cute.
He swiped a strand that managed to attach itself in her gorgeous hair.
Sanskaar (amused) : You missed a spot.
Dr Sinha's responding smile made his chest clench in the way where all he could think that she was too beautiful to be alone. Why the hell didn't she have a boyfriend anyway? Did she have a boyfriend? For some strange reason, the thought didn't settle too well with him. It almost made him feel... jealous.
Dr Sinha : Cotton candy is so delicious. But it's so sticky and I have a really hard time with it.
Sanskaar : It's on a stick. But that doesn't mean you can't use your hands to take a piece and eat it, Instead of putting your mouth on the stick.
Dr Sinha (giving him a haughty look) : Cotton candy is meant to be eaten on a stick. It's the feel of the beach.
Sanskaar (wryly) : I guess the sand and the water means nothing?
As he cast his eyes at the people on the boats and kids playing on the sand, completely exhilarated, He took in a deep breath, quelling down the dark sensation clawing at his chest. God, he completely had issues. Why did he feel so wretched whenever he was here?
He felt something grab his hand. And everything was suddenly okay.
Dr SInha (tugging him near the ice cream stall) : Come on... We have lots to do. Boat rides, Balloon shooting, Eating some more cotton candy... By the way, If I get a sugar rush or fall down from the boat ,You have to save me. I might... I'm really clumsy. I do get slightly seasick as well.
Sanskaar (scoffing) : You are seasick and yet, You're going to go on the ride?
Dr Sinha : That's right... I can handle it.
Sanskaar (drawling) : Sure.
Dr Sinha (sounding completely offended) : You don't believe me?
Sanskaar froze. He heard a girl's voice in his head.
Girl : That's not true.
Him (amused) : Oh really?
Girl : Yes.. You are so wrong about this. It's not happening... (seeing his amused gaze) You don't believe me?
Sanskaar came out of his momentary daze. He blinked and saw Dr Sinha staring at him, not as his companion and friend, but as his therapist. Her eyes were sharp and focused which made him tense, but he relaxed when he acknowledged the softness in her gaze. He felt his chest tighten, and the notepad he carried everywhere he went - it felt heavy in his pocket.
Seeing her questioning look, he smiled slightly with a shrug.
Sanskaar : I felt the feeling again. That weird flashy feeling? Something you said reminded me... of that period.
He saw no use in lying to her. Why would he lie? There was no point, not anymore. She was there to help, so he was going to let her help. What's the harm in that?
Apart from the obvious attraction, but he didn't count that. It was all science; all chemistry.
He was a man. She was a woman. He had testosterone.. She had oestrogen. That was all it was. Just science.
Dr Sinha (smiling) : Do you remember?
He frowned, his thoughts muddled.
Sanskaar : No.
He wasn't even going to wrack his brain. He'd rather spend all the time he could with her.
Sanskaar stopped at that thought.
She hummed under her breath in understanding. He wondered how she went through school and the competition in this field of psychology. She seemed too nice to survive. He wanted to know about her school life, so he asked her.
As they strolled along the beach, She told him about her late nights and near-depression moments. He knew the feeling; university almost destroyed him.
But she loved her job, so she said it was all worth it. Of course she would say that. He smirked at her in silence. They were waiting in line. He didn't understand how this contributed to his session, but he wasn't complaining. He was enjoying himself. More so than he has in the past few weeks.
Suddenly, she spoke completely horrified.
Dr Sinha : Have you told Kavita yet?
Sanskaar (blankly) : No. Why would I?
Dr Sinha : Why not?
Sanskaar (in a rush) : Because she doesn't need to know what I'm doing every second of my life.
She smacked him on his arm lightly and made him laugh automatically.
Sanskaar : What? I did text her saying I'll be late.
Dr Sinha (frowning slightly) : That sounds... suspicious.
Sanskaar (grinning) : Completely.
Dr Sinha rolled her eyes, but he caught the smile on her face as she turned away.
Dr Sinha : I just think... I just think it would be nice... If I ever had a boyfriend or fiance, I just think it would be nice if I knew where he was. At least some of the time.
Sanskaar was observing her closely.
Sanskaar : It's different. (At her confused look) It's different for you. You worry about him.
Was it wrong that he felt like killing this hypothetical boyfriend.
Sanskaar : You want to know where he is so that you know he's okay.
Dr Sinha put on a puzzled expression.
Dr Sinha : Isn't that the case with you?
Sanskaar (shaking his head) : Kavita is... Kavita is more controlling. She has to know where I am. If she ever knew that I was with you...
He trailed off. He didn't even want to imagine that scenario. She would immediately lash out and accuse him. It wasn't her fault;
It was just the way she was. Kavita has always been insecure, and he did his best to assure her.
But sometimes he needed time to himself. She wanted to squeeze into every aspect of his life. He couldn't even use the washroom without her knowing, for crap's sake. She was like a hawk.
Kavita was his best friend. But Sanskaar didn't feel like telling her everything. Was that bad of him?
Dr Sinha (in a reassuring tone, amused) : Don't worry. I'm safe.
Sanskaar (dry tone) : You sure?
Because he didn't feel safe anymore. He wasn't safe... at all.
Her eyebrows shot up, as if she were ready to defend herself.
Dr Sinha ( grinning brilliantly, amusement lighting up her eyes) : Chill! I am safe. I mean, I couldn't even do anything to you even if I wanted to.
Sanskaar (chuckling) : What makes you say that?
He felt himself hold his breath when her eyes locked with his. Damn, what her eyes could do to him. He turned away to look at the horizon.
Dr Sinha (innocently) : I couldn't hurt you. I'm too nice.
He turned towards her amused, but as he caught sight of her, she turned and her hair was in his hands. Her soft, silky hair was in his hands. He stared at them entranced. An odd expression settled on his face. He... couldn't stop staring.
Sanskaar (whispering) : Brown or black... Black or brown... Which is it? It's so mesmerizing.
She seemed like she was holding her breath, but when she answered, she sounded perfectly normal.
Dr Sinha : Both!
He released the strands, an odd silence between them. It wasn't awkward or uncomfortable. It was, well, unexplainable. He felt like he was missing something. He looked at her from the corner of his eye. She seemed to be deep in thought, her eyes faraway. He cleared under throat discreetly. He didn't like her being silent. He felt like she was slowly detaching herself away from him.
Sanskaar (lamely) : Well, It's really nice.
He almost smacked himself. Amazing. He should've thought of what to say before blurting anything out.
She blinked out of her reverie, glancing at him with a slight smile. She nodded her thanks and remained quiet.
Sanskaar began berating himself. He felt his heart sinking. Did he do something? Dr Sinha was never quiet like this. Something was tugging at him inside, but he couldn't place his finger on it. He resisted the urge to whirl her around to face him and demand what was wrong. He really didn't like seeing her like this.
Finally, He just said her name. Her eyes shuttered before a smile lightened her face.
Dr Sinha : Sorry about that. I keep forgetting to stay professional with you. I feel like I can be myself.
He stared at her. He didn't know what to say about that.
Finally, He said.
Sanskaar : That's alright! I don't care. And anyways, We are not in the clinic, So you can be who you are. (At her protesting look) Dr Sinha! Listen! I'm who I am. I don't change. So you shouldn't either.
They eyed each other silently, willing for the other to break first. Finally, Dr Sinha turned away. Sanskaar almost didn't hear her... But he did.
Dr Sinha (whispering) : You were always sturbborn.
He smirked in triumph - until her words hit him.
Sanskaar (blurting out) : What do you mean?
She seemed to stiffen and if he weren't watching her closely, he wouldn't have noticed. She had a way of hiding her feelings. Her body betrayed her, but she reacted fast enough that if someone who wasn't paying attention would've missed it completely.
Dr Sinha (coolly) : I just think I know you well enough to say that you're stubborn.
She said it like it were a joke. Like she was kidding. But no. The words were strange. She used it as if they were long time friends. She also said it under the breath, as if without much thought. He knew she meant more. There was more. His brain began to go overdrive, filing through his memories. Shit, this was something else.
Dr Sinha (abruptly) : Come on... We have to go to the water. Come on now. Let's go on the boat.
He quirked an eyebrow at her back. She sounded too relieved. He smirked to himself, following after her. Oh yeah, there was definitely more.
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The sky was golden orange. It cast a warm glow over the water making it look golden as well. They were standing in line to get into a boat. As they waited for their turn, He saw couples moving here and there. It was like a movie scene.
Of course he'd start to notice couples holding hands around this time. It was picture perfect. And it was agony.
Dr Sinha : You look troubled! Let's talk...
Sanskaar : Wow! You're blunt!
Dr Sinha (getting into the boat) : You're paying me for it.
Sanskaar (getting in as well) : True that.
They settled in the rowboat and the boatman began taking them away.
Dr Sinha (after two minutes) : I get seasick.. And I'm afraid of the ocean.
Sanskaar (incredulously) : Why are we here then?
Dr Sinha (talking like it's obvious) : Because I... I want to experience the true feel of being at the beach.
He looked at her and saw her slightly tense face and her eyes swrewed shut. Then, he began to shake the boat a little, just to shake her up. Her eyes opened and she glared at him.
Dr Sinha : I'm going to kill you.
Sanskaar (wryly) : That's professional.
He looked up at silence, and felt his heart soften. He really did want to hold her hand. She was forcing herself to breathe evenly, and when she opened her eyes, she automatically looked out at the ocean.
Dr Sinha (softly) : I love sunsets.
They weren't moving anymore, so they had an amazing view of the ocean, the sand and the sun. The golden glow was more pronounced, and it reflected off her majestically. She was gorgeous. She really was.
He felt a peaceful sensation settle over his chest. He could breathe easier, and... he could just be like this forever. It was nice. He closed his eyes to relish in the moment.
Sanskaar : Me too... (he opened his eyes) You know, I haven't been here in a while. The beach... The beach makes me feel miserable. Like there's no hope. (grinning slightly) But with you, With you, It's bearable.
She cracked a smile, but remained quiet. Sanskaar frowned. His therapist always.. ALWAYS had something to say.
Sanskaar : Doc! You okay?
She choked on air, and nodded rapidly.
Dr Sinha : Yes!
Sanskaar (quietly) : Liar! Your ears flare up when you lie.
His mind went to another place.
"I was not lying."
"You were. You know what, my love! Your ears flare up when you lie. "
Dr Sinha (embarrased) : I know... (smiling) It's horrible.
And his mind went back again.
" I know... It's horrible."
His smile began to fall. The words escaped him without much thought.
Sanskaar : I thought you said lying was bad.
The world seemed to freeze. There was something powerful in this moment; he felt it. His whole body was hyper alert. And he couldn't take his eyes off her. She... Dr Sinha was there and she was staring at him. Dr Sinha was staring at him with eyes he couldn't even begin to describe. He saw fear and apprehension. He saw the sadness. He also saw the dying hope.
Oh God, he wanted to make her smile.
Dr Sinha (in a thick voice) : She's still in here.
The boat started moving and they were jolted out of the moment. Sanskaar was crushed. Because he never wanted time to go back as badly as he did in that moment. Whatever transpired between them - he knew that she wasn't going to talk about it. She would hide behind the therapist card. She would evade the question stealthily.
He knew she knew what happened. But he didn't know how to bring it up without her closing him off just as fast.
They pulled up onto shore but neither of them moved.
Sanskaar : what was that?
Dr Sinha (a sad smile on her lips) : Why don't you tell me?
He watched her walk away, a playful smile on her face. She knew. What the hell. She wasn't going to tell him.
Shaking his head, he stood up and followed her. He didn't feel frustrated, to his surprise. He felt... content, almost.
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Sanskaar entered the room and spoke without preamble.
Sanskaar : My fiancee, Kavita thinks I am cheating on her.
Dr Sinha (amused) : What the hell did you tell her?
Sanskaar (smirking) : First, I let her go on for a while.. Kavita loves to shout. I was thinking of ways to escape. But then, I grew impatient and I told her to shut up. (Sheepish smile) Unnecessary stress. I told her I wasn't.
Dr Sinha : Gee! I wonder why she feels this way.
Sanskaar : Sarcasm doesn't become you. But... I wonder why she feels that way too.
They shared a look and smiled.
Dr Sinha (as always) : How are you?
He shrugged in response, trying to think of words to explain the thoughts plaguing his mind. He played with the notebook in his pocket. To his surprise, it was halfway completed with his scribbling. He never read any of what he wrote down, but he knew what was there. Of course he did. The feelings were sharper.
Dr Sinha (cutting through his thoughts) : It's almost 10 sessions now. Are you ever going to tell her?
Sanskaar (straight-forward) : No!
Dr Sinha : No? Why ever not?
Sanskaar : I don't know how to tell her. She's temperamental and impatient. And while I'm usually not an imaptient guy, I find that I am not patient enough to deal with her accusing stares and one million questions.
Dr Sinha ( amused) : Well, why doesn't she come here then? I'll be your mediator.
There was something in her eyes, besides amusement. A sadness so deep it shook his heart. But there was also determination. Something that said she had made a decision?
Sanskaar : You sure? She might yell at you.
Dr Sinha (quietly, softly) : I think I can handle it.
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Sanskaar was nervous.
As he drove the car, he stared at Kavita sitting beside him and he was nervous. She was humming. Sanskaar felt himself tighten his hands on the wheel. She didn't know where they were going, telling her it was a surprise. He hoped that she wasn't expecting him to bring her somewhere fancy. They were going to a clinic, He always chuckled out loud at that. Yeah, she was definitely in for a surprise.
As he drove into the parking space, Kavita gazed around in confusion.
Kavita : Why are we here Sanskaar? Is this a clinic?
He sighed.
Sanskaar : Remember when we had that conversation about me cheating on someone?
Kavita straightened, and nodded. She didn't look mad, though. Sanskaar felt emboldened and he continued.
Sanskaar : I still can't believe you thought that. I don't know if I should be pissed or just surprised. But moving on...
She interrupted him.
Kavita : Well, You have been missing frequently. You go somewhere and you don't tell me. You cancel all sorts of plans. You don't seem eager about the wedding... How on Earth do you expect me to feel? (looking worriedly at the clinic) Are you sick, Sanskaar? Is that why you're missing?
He laughed, shaking his head. She took his hand, but he gently brushed it off.
Sanskaar : I'm not sick. But I am in therapy. Laksh is paying for this. I have been to ten sessions already.
Kavita : What? Why? Didn't you think I could help?
Sanskaar shook his head, frustrated.
Sanskaar : You don't understand, Kavita! Therapy is helping me... They're about the incident. My memories. Not knowing anything is killing me, and you turn your head away whenever I ask you about it! (trying to calm himself) Look! Laksh noticed.. He wanted to help. I thought his request was reasonable so I complied and came here.
Kavita looked angry.
Kavita : What happened to you was horrible. But it was an accident. I just don't see any point in bringing it back. It's gone.. Why do you care?
They had come in front of Dr Sinha's room. As Kavita continued her disapproval of him coming to therapy, The door opened and a pretty face popped out.
Dr Sinha (her face suppresed with laughter) : Hello!
Of course, she would find this funny. She found everything funny. A smile began to form on his face.
Sanskaar : Hey!
She came out of the room and smiled at them. He turned to look at Kavita - only to see her gone completely white. She was staring at Dr Sinha with wide eyes. He didn't give her a chance to speak and gently guided her inside the room. Dr Sinha closed the door behind her and walked to her usual seat. She took one look at the girl beside her and smiled.
Dr Sinha : Did he just bombard you with this information?
Sanskaar (shrugging) : Well, IT was the only way she would not have yelled at me.
He grinned at Kavita to show that he was joking, but she was tense and pale. He frowned.
Sanskaar : What is it, Kavita?
She didn't answer. Instead, her eyes grew wet with unshed tears and she clenched her hands. Uh-Oh! This gesture warned Sanskaar. Kavita was going to blow up.
Kavita (roughly) : Why? Why are you here? Why couldn't you have left us alone?
Dr Sinha : Kavita... Please just sit...
Kavita : NO! You were supposed to stay bloody away. We (looking at Sanskaar) We are going to get married. I love him. Don't you get it? I LOVE HIM! Why.. why come back into my life? He's been doing fine without you. He can do so for the rest of his life.
There was tense silence. Sanskaar's mind was whirling. He looked at Dr Sinha, and he saw her take a step back. She inhaled and smiled a forced smile. God, that didn't look right on her.
Dr Sinha : Kavita.. Please.. just
Kavita (throwing up her hands) : Fine!
She sat down, but her acceptance made Sanskaar's blood run cold.
Kavita : What do you want?
Dr Sinha ( quietly, sadly) : I missed you.
Sanskaar's eyes grew round and he rubbed his temples.
Sanskaar : Both of you know each other?
Kavita : Yes!
Dr Sinha (apologetically) : I didn't think it was my place to tell you.
He felt confused. He didn't know what to feel.
Sanskaar : Why not?
Kavita (warning etched in her tone) : Don't!
He looked at her and she was gazing at Dr Sinha with plead in her eyes.
Kavita : Please don't!
Dr Sinha cleared her throat, smiling a small smile.
Dr Sinha : I won't tell him. You love him.
Sanskaar (furious now) : What the hell? I WANT TO KNOW (seeing their faces, his expression changed and he shook Kavita's shoulders) : I took these sessions from Laksh because I knew I needed help. You wouldn't help me, so I took it. I've been dying inside, Kavita, There's something missing, and I needed to know what it was.
Kavita : But...
Sanskaar : These therapy sessions are helping me. She (pointing at Dr Sinha, a slight smile on his lips) is helping me remember! I am not in agony anymore. I am happy... I am happy!
Kavita (pain in her voice) : Am I not making you happy?
Sanskaar (accusing tone) : YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO ME! You know and you think I don't need to know. Dammit... I need to know. I NEED TO KNOW! You know what happened to me. Laksh knows what happened to me. Maybe even Dr Sinha knows what happened to me. Just tell me what happened. If I don't know, then I'll never get over it.
Kavita sighed and spoke. Her words surprised him!
Kavita : You loved her... You were so in love with her.
She said it with a broken tone but there was also venom in her voice.
Sanskaar : Who?
Kavita (pausing) : No one! She was there once. But now, she's gone.
Sanskaar (frowning) : She didn't love me?
Dr Sinha (softly) : She did.
Heart pounding, he looked at her.
Dr Sinha : I knew her too.
What the hell? His mind was spinning. Dr Sinha knew her. She's been listening to him rack his brain while she sat there patiently when she knew the whole time. Sanskaar expected himself to be completely pissed off at her.
But in the end, he sort of felt relieved. He didn't know why.
Kavita was quiet for a while. Then she spoke.
Kavita : She did love you.
She paused, looking at Dr Sinha with unreadable eyes. Something dangerous transpired between them that caused Dr Sinha to look away with a sigh of acceptance.
Kavita (viciously) : She was the reason for your going through so much pain. She was the reason you got hurt. So, I can never forgive her.
Sanskaar (angry with Kavita) : How can you blame her unknowingly? She wouldn't have done it intentionally. I want to meet this girl.
Maybe - maybe if he met this girl. Maybe he'd remember. Maybe he'd finally know the whole truth.
Kavita stood up, betrayal in her eyes.
Kavita : Sanskaar! Why?
Sanskaar : Because I feel like I'm floating in mid-air. I don't belong here Kavita! I feel like a huge chunk of me is missing. And like it or not, You caused that too. Does that not mean anything to you? You watched me during those nights when I felt completely tortured. And you knew. I know you know, but I didn't want to press you - but now...
HE turned to the doctor.
Sanskaar : You know her right? Can you help me contact her?
Dr Sinha who had been silent until now, froze a little then gave a wistful smile.
Dr Sinha : Maybe... Maybe not!
Sanskaar groaned inwardly. Why were they so reluctant. He watched as Kavita just picked up her hand bag, looked searchingly at Dr Sinha, and left the room.
Dr Sinha : Aren't you going to go after her?
Sanskaar (broken) : What's the point? She's been lying to me all this while, Dr Sinha! I was in love with someone. She didn't tell me that. She knows all about my accident. She won't tell me that. How am I supposed to marry her after this?
He laughed a false laugh. Rubbing his eyes, he looked at his therapist with a tired look.
Sanskaar : I need to find this girl!
He left the room.
Dr Sinha (softly, tearfully) : Don't Sanskaar! Not right now.
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Sanskaar wasn't stupid. Laksh knew there was something betweed him and Dr Sinha. He was the one who had arranged for all these therapy sessions. He knew everything. And now, Sanskaar was going to know. He need to know.
So he cornered his friend at his house, making sure there were no means of escape.
They sat in the kitchen, seated across from each other.
Laksh (grinning) : Are you just going to glare at me all day?
Sanskaar (glaring even more) : You know.
Laksh (raising an eyebrow) : Know what?
Sanskaar : About me.. You know about the girl. You know about the accident. You know EVERYTHING. I don't. So tell me.. Tell me what you know.
Laksh lost his arrogant expression and he looked at him with an unreadable look. Sanskaar was sick of getting that from him, especially his best friend. Laksh knew him more than he knew himself, literally. Weren't they supposed to tell each other everything? He was so sick of not knowing.
Laksh : How are the sessions going on?
Sanskaar : Stop it! Stop changing the subject! I know Dr Sinha has something to do with this.
Laksh (surprised) : Why do you say that?
Sanskaar : No! You don't get to ask me questions. Tell me the truth.
Laksh : Sanskaar! I'm not kidding. Tell me why!
Sanskaar : I want to know how you knew that going to Dr Sinha would help me. I haven't remembered this much throughout all these years. And suddenly I'm talking to this beautiful girl and I'm getting bombarded with these feelings that leave me confused and -
He broke off, then looked at Laksh, deadly.
Sanskaar : Was I in love?
Laksh Rathore didn't say anything for a long time. But then he smiled, a sort of quiet satisfaction in his eyes that confused Sanskaar even more.
Laksh : You were.
Sanskaar hesitated. He didn't really ask about the incident under a serious light. There was no need to before. The past was the past. But now... Now everything was different. He frowned. He wanted to know so much. He wanted to remember.
Sanskaar : Was she... (he wanted to ask something else) Was she nice?
Laksh burst out laughing and Sanskaar couldn't help himself as well. Out of all the questions to ask...
Laksh : She was the sweetest person you ever met. She was incredible... and if you remembered... She was beautiful. She had a good nature.
Sanskaar felt his chest tighten. Why didn't he know this person? It wasn't fair. His mind immediately went to Dr Sinha and he wondered if this girl was as beautiful as her.
Sanskaar (the words burning at his throat) : Did... Did she love me?
Laksh (looking at him like he was crazy) : She was your princess Sanskaar! She was yours. She loved you so much. She belonged to you... Just like you belong to her!
Sanskaar (whispering) : Then why did she leave me?
The pain was unexpected at those words. He tried not to touch his chest. God. If this woman loved him, why wasn't she with him?
Laksh observed him, an inward battle going through his eyes. Sanskaar could see it. His next words knocked the wind out of him.
Laksh : Your fiancee told her not to.
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Kavita told her not to.
Kavita told her not to...
The words hit like a blow to the chest. He confronted her. He asked her, why the hell would she do such a thing. He was breaking and she let him break. He felt a little sick. If she loved him, why did she let that happen?
And her reply had been that she loved him. She loved him... How could anyone else fall in love with him.
Sanskaar couldn't say anything to that.
In the end, he left her apartment, running as hard as he can as far as he can. He somehow found himself in front of the clinic. He knew subconsciously that this was where he wanted to be, next to her - he just needed to hear her voice. She was the only thing going right in his life right now.
He walked inside, expecting to wait for a while, but he saw her standing there, as if waiting for him. Dr Sinha had a smile on her face, her hands clasped in front of her lightly.
He stared.
Dr Sinha : I knew you would come. Kavita called me and told me. She wanted to know if you're okay.
Seeing his furious look, she laughed lightly and spoke.
Dr Sinha : She.. She didn't mean to hurt you Sanskaar! She just loved you. Of course she'd want to keep you away from this other girl. Maybe I would too.
Sanskaar (slowly) : This other girl.. Apparently, I was irrevocably in love with her.
His mind shifter and he heard a voice in another time.
"I don't know how.. I don't know when.. But I am irrevocably in love with you"
It was his voice. He knew it was his.
Breathing hard, he stared at Dr Sinha, the words becoming sharper and clearer in his mind. And if he searched deep enough, he knew he would find her face. But all he could come up with was... brownish black hair.
His expression went slack and he blinked, trying to clear his thoughts. But he knew - it was his. The memory was his, and he remembered brownish-black hair.
Like hers.
Dr Sinha crossed over to where he was standing and smiled at him. He felt completely muddled, but he also felt hopeful.
Dr sinha : Come on! Let's go to the beach.
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They walked along the beach. They had no particular destination, and he didn't mind. Knowing that she was there with him - it was enough. The sun was bright over their heads and there were people jostling around them. The beach was pretty cramped, actually, but that gave him more the reason to be close to Dr Sinha and watch out for her. He didn't know what kind of psychos walked the streets.
He frowned a little, glancing at her neutral face, the faint smile on her lips as she curiously observed her surroundings. He... didn't know her name. He opened his mouth to ask casually, but something else came out.
Sanskaar : What was this girl like?
Dr Sinha : That's a heavy question. Why do you think I can answer that?
Sanskaar : You knew her... Why did you not tell me? Why did you let me go on about it without saying anything? Knowing what you know about her could have helped.
Dr Sinha : I don't think so. You needed to realize what you wanted to know. I could be spewing out lies and if I said they were true, you'd believe me. I think you remember her a little better.
Sanskaar (grinning) : So, you going to tell me about her?
Dr Sinha (thoughtfully) : She's clumsy. She is clumsy but she could be graceful. In fact, I think she's become more graceful now.
Sanskaar : You still talk to her?
Dr Sinha (mysteriously) : You could say that. (thinking for a while) She misses you so much, You know. She loves you... But she tries not to dwell on the past. She's trying to.. but she misses you.
Her voice was full of raw emotion, and when she looked at him, she smiled.
He was speechless. He wanted more information, but he didn't know where to begin. How did she look like? What did she do? Did she have a family?
Sanskaar : Why did she go away when Kavita asked her to?
Dr Sinha stopped and her eyes became unreadable.
Dr Sinha (quietly) : Because she was afraid you would hate her.
She stretched her hand and touched the scar on his chin.
Dr Sinha (whispering) : She caused this. She made this scar appear.
He felt a jolt throughout his entire body at the gesture. He smelt her scent, and everything seemed so familiar it was almost killing him inside.
Dr Sinha : She's sorry for this.
And his mind went elsewhere..
"I'm so sorry for this, Sanskaar! I'm so sorry"
He shook his head roughly, a curse word erupting from his throat. God, he wanted to just - he couldn't handle this right now. He felt mixed emotions rampaging throughout his entire being, he just wanted to settle on one. He lifted his hands to gently push Dr Sinha away because she seemed to be the cause. They reacted too well with each other. She was almost like...
Dr Sinha lifted her hands up at the same time, just as someone bumped into her sharply from behind, causing her to jerk forward.
Without thinking, Sanskaar stretched his arms out, catching the beauty. He felt her breathing stop.
She was familiar in his arms. And suddenly, suddenly he knew.
He didn't move, he didn't even tear his gaze from where she was standing. She began to move away He only clasped her elbow, right when she was about to pass by him. She stopped moving as well. They weren't even facing each other, but he felt like -
Well. He felt like he finally found her.
Sanskaar : Your favourite colour is blue.
He felt her tense, but she was still immobile. He felt his heard pounding hard against his ribcage. He didn't know how this was happening, but it was.
His voice sounded strange to his ears.
Sanskaar : You can't choose your favourite book because you love too many. You love earrings.. (rage in his tone) And.. And your brother abused you. He thought it was your fault your parents died.. But it was not.. IT WAS NOT!
They were the only two people in the world.
Sanskaar : Kavita told you that she loved me. You tried to make me fall in love with her. But it didn't work. We came here to the beach and I told you I had fallen in love with you.
He felt her shaking lightly. His hand went from her elbow to her hand. He laced his fingers in with hers and smiled to himself. Perfect fit.
Sanskaar : I dropped you back home. But then, I felt it... I knew something was wrong with you so I came to your house, where your brother was beating you. I tried to stop him, but he struck my head... with a vase.
He remembered that day in the house.
" Move Swara! Go away... It's not safe for you."
He saw the tears in her eyes and she was sobbing openly. But God - that smile on her face.
He felt like whatever heavy shit he's been carrying for the past few years was lifted from his shoulder. He could breathe easily, and when he smiled at her, he knew that's how he wanted it to be for the rest of his life.
Sanskaar (a smile tugging on his face as well) : My Dr Sinha! What's your name?
She grinned.
Swara : Since you seem to have recovered, I'll tell you.
He slipped an arm around her waist, pulling her close. She smiled her smile.
Swara : Swara!
Sanskaar kissed her, and murmured.
Sanskaar : I thought so!
He smiled a faint smile. Memory loss for a few months? Screw that. Reason is powerless in the expression of love.
She tiptoed to give him a sweet kiss on the lips. Their hug completed his entire being.
Swara : Welcome back, My Darling!
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Love is longing for the half of ourselves we have lost.
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Woah... I finally finished this story. Please tell me how it is :) :)
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BY ANJALI
The room was plain. The walls were such a bare colour. Cream. Should this reassure him or scare him. In a corner of the room, a receptionist sat typing something on the computer. God, this was supposed to be a relaxation clinic, Not a hospital. But it even smelled like one. Finally, not able to sit any longer, He went and approached the receptionist.
Man : Excuse me.. Do you know how much longer it will take?
Receptionist : I'm so sorry, Sir! Dr Sinha will be free in a few minutes. Please take a seat.
He sighed and sat down again. Fifteen minutes later, The receptionist called him and smiled.
Receptionist : Mr Mehra? Dr Sinha is read to see you now.
He followed her to the adjoining room and forced a smile on his face. As he entered, A musical voice was heard.
A musical female voice.
Voice : Well! Mr Sharma! I'll see you next week, Same time. ok? And make sure not to gorge yourself again. Will power! Ok?
A man left and Sanskaar was ushered inside to meet Dr Sinha! He was expecting a female, say in her late 40s to early 50s, but to his surprise, he found a very young, attractive woman. She was wearing a blue salwar with a small shiny bindi and jhumkis in her ears. Her smile was bewitching, warm and inviting. Her hair was tied loosely with a barette.
As she turned to greet him, Sanskaar was mesmerized by her eyes. Her perfect, large, brown eyes that widened in shock and recognition for a fleeting second before settling down into a soft expression.
Dr Sinha : Mr Mehra! Please enter.. So you're my surprise client... Please have a seat (pointing at a comfortable sofa)
Sanskaar straightened and smiled at her warm , welcoming voice.
Sanskaar : Please... Call me Sanskaar!
Another expression crossed her features before she smiled at him.
Dr Sinha : Of Course, Sanskaar! Please... do sit! (He sat) Dr Rathore recommended me to you?
Sanskaar (nodding) : Laksh was very worried for me. After my accident...
Dr Sinha (interrupting) : Your accident? What and when did this happen?
Sanskaar : It was about 2 month ago. I have no idea what and where it happened. I don't know why it happened. My fiancee...
Dr Sinha (interrupting again) : Fiancee? You are engaged?
Sanskaar : Yes! We got engaged a week back.
Dr Sinha : I see. So please continue.
Sanskaar : Well, My fiancee told me that I was beaten up by some people and left in a really terrible state. I was unconscious for a week apparently.
Dr Sinha : And Dr Laksh Rathore asked you to come see me because?..
Sanskaar : I've been disturbed lately. And he thought you might be the perfect person to talk to.
Dr Sinha (her eyes widening) : You're paying me Rs 1200 every session just to talk?
Sanskaar looked around the office. The decor was a really relaxing blue... It reminded him of the sky. The slight calm breezy sky. He looked at Dr Sinha's waiting face and hesitated. He was usually good around people. He was calm and friendly towards strangers and loved to mingle. But this Dr Sinha! She made him feel transparent. Like his inner most secrets were on display.
Sanskaar : Well! Laksh thinks I need to think and talk. He told me you were the perfect person for that. So.. Yes! I don't mind. (eyes crikling teasingly) Vaise, You mind?
Dr Sinha : Not at all... Is there something in particular you'd like to discuss?
Sanskaar frowned. Was it his imagination or did Dr Sinha's voice sound sad and hopeful, Both at the same time? But it was not even a fleeting expression. She had settled into a soothing gentle smile once again.
Sanskaar couldn't stop staring at her. This Dr Sinha was the most beautiful woman he had seen. Her brown eyes matched her fair complexion perfectly. Her hair, an envious straight mass of black hair was so mesmerizing. If his hand ran through his hair? Oh God! What was he thinking? He'd been getting a lot of these strange feelings ever since the accident.
Dr Sinha : Sanskaar! Is there a problem?
Sanskaar (clearing his mind) : Sorry Dr Sinha! No... Nothing's wrong. I don't have anything in particular. But Laksh thinks I am mentally disturbed.
Dr Sinha (vaguely amused) : Why is that?
Sanskaar : As I said... The incident... I was protecting someone, I am pretty sure of that... But before that, I don't remember anything.
Dr Sinha : Do you remember who you were protecting?
Sanskaar (shaking his head) : No! I've thought a lot about this, But I really don't. In fact, I've tried everything.
Dr Sinha : And does this memory loss affect your way of living?
Sanskaar (giving a wry smile) : How is it supposed to affect me if I can't remember anything?
Dr Sinha ( grinning) : Well, I know Dr Laksh and if he sent you here, he must have a very good reason.
Sanskaar : Perhaps. Sometimes, I have these flashes. They're just feelings mostly. They make me feel warm. But not anything else. (answering the doctor's smile) I told Laksh about that and he told me I had to see you.
Dr Sinha ( dubiously ) : Just because of some feelings? I'm sure there's more.
Sanskaar (admitting with a grin) : Fine! I do know a little. Laksh told me... I was trying to protect a girl... She was somehow involved. But Laksh won't tell me who the girl is.
Dr Sinha : Shouldn't that bother you?
Sanskaar : I was curious, yes! But I don't remember her, So it doesn't bother me.
Dr Sinha : Hmm... Did he tell anything else?
Sanskaar (not really hearing her) : Kavita knows.
Dr Sinha (politely) : Kavita?
Sanskaar : My fiancee.
Dr Sinha (her voice different) : Your fiancee...
Something about her tone made Sanskaar. But she sat there with an easy smile. Taken aback, he watched her cross her leg over her knee.
Dr Sinha : So Kavita knows about the incident?
Sanskaar : She was at the hospital with me the whole time.
Dr Sinha : What did she tell you?
Sanskaar didn't have to think. The questions Dr Sinha was asking were something he had asked himself a long time ago. The answers now came out mechanically. It was meant to be light, But the feeling in the back of his head just wouldn't shut up.
Sanskaar : She told me that someone had hit the back of my head. I lost my memory of the last few months. (frowning) I don't remember anything. There was one more woman at the hospital... With Kavita! She had black hair (looking up at Dr Sinha) Just like yours. I was half-conscious at that time, and she left quickly. Later when I asked Kavita about it, She told me she didn't know who that was.
There was silence. It was an uncomfortable silence for Sanskaar. He couldn't take his eyes of the doctor. She was a mask, and that made her look unfeeling. But finally. her lips tilted into a soft grin.
Dr Sinha leaned forward and Sanskaar nodded in expectancy. A sudden flash of pain showed in her eyes that hurt Sanskaar. His chest ached. She was too beautiful and innocent to hurt.
Dr Sinha : Have you ever had your heart broken?
Sanskaar (blankly) : I don't think so. I certainly don't recall anything.
She giggled lightly and drew out a breath.
Dr Sinha : Well, That's good then! How do you feel about this incident?
Sanskaar (after a pause) : Indifferent.
But that was not true, he wasn't indifferent. He was having strange feelings... flashes of something that he couldn't seem to remember at all. He wasn't indifferent. He was frustrated and agonized that he would never know the absolute truth. It would always elude him.
Dr Sinha (eyes focusing on him) : You are not curious? Why exactly did you lose your memory?
Sanskaar : Well, The person who punched me or who caused my accident must have done that. There was force behind the punch.
He winced, as if remembering the pain. He looked over at Dr Sinha who seemed to be concentrating on something. But her eyes were glazed, showing that she wasn't really concentrating there. Her mind was elsewhere.
Sanskaar (continuing) : Kavita told me not to bother with the details. She spoke to the hospital authorities and took care of everything. I met the doctor two days ago and he said that everything was alright. I've recovered. But...
Dr Sinha :But?
Sanskaar : But I haven't. I know I haven't recovered. Something's missing, but I don't know what it is. So, I can't really ache about the loss, can I?
Dr Sinha : That is interesting, certainly. I do want to give you an assignment though! (Sanskaar groaned and she laughed) Don't worry Sanskaar... It's not a huge assignment.
She smiled sweetly and Sanskaar couldn't deny her.
Sanskaar : Alright Dr Sinha!
Dr Sinha : Well then, That's all for now, Sanskaar! Our time for today is up.
Sanskaar (standing up) : Thank you Dr... (Realizing that he didn't know her name) Do you really want to be called Dr Sinha? It sounds so old and formal. And that doesn't suit you at all.
Dr Sinha (a slight patch of pink appearing on her cheeks which fascinated Sanskaar) : Right now... Dr Sinha will do. But maybe I'll tell you soon.
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That evening, As Sanskaar was sitting down in the living room, having a drink, Laksh came to visit.
Laksh : Drinking? Seriously?
Sanskaar (tiredly) : Aur kya karoon?
Laksh saw Sanskaar look out the door through which he had just come in.
Laksh : You looking for Kavita again? (distastefully) Where is she anyway?
Sanskaar (chuckling) : You seriously don't like her. Why? She has gone out with her friends.
Sanskaar felt his head pounding again. But since Laksh was here, He merely winced and willed the pain to go away. Ignoring the ache, he continued to sip his drink. After all, If Laksh found out about this, He would be worried and think it was even more necessary for the therapist.
Sanskaar : So, You wanted to talk about something important?
Laksh : My friend! do I need a reason to talk to my best bud? (grinning which faded when he saw Sanskaar looking at him calmly and silently) How did the first session go?
Sanskaar shrugged. His mind flashed to the brown-haired beauty, and he frowned at the instinctive feeling of protection he felt towards her. It was ridiculous, but it was there. She was so small and at times, sad. He felt it from the bottom of his heart.
Sanskaar : She told me to write anything down that I remembered from my flashes.
Laksh (incredulously) : You actually spoke only about yourself?
Sanskaar (laughing mildly) : It is a session for ME! Who else will I talk about? Also, YOU are the one paying. Why waste the money already than I am. Why am I doing this Laksh? Why?
Laksh (quietly) : It is not a waste of money.
His eyes were sad. They grew silent. Ever since Sanskaar told Laksh that he was proposing to Kavita, the former seemed to act disturbed. The questions came, the accusations, and finally, Laksh's demand for him to see a therapist. Of course, he questioned his best friend's sanity. Laksh was fine with the incident; he didn't pressure him to remember. But now...
Sanskaar (sighing) : It's not a waste. But why am I doing this?
Laksh responded with an enigmatic smile.
Laksh : Because you'll be making the biggest mistake of your life if you don't.
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THE NEXT DAY
She was wearing a green blouse with a yellow skirt. Her hair was a cascading waterfall of brown and black behind her back. Sanskaar straightened from his sprawled position on the chair he claimed to be his, and watched Dr Sinha rush into the room.
Dr Sinha (murmuring) : I'm late.. I'm late.. Oh no! I'm late.
She seemed to freeze midway when she realized that he was inside. Biting his lip to stifle his smile, he raised a hand in greeting.
Sanskaar : Don't worry Doctor! You're not late.
An embarrassed giggle spilled from her and she straightened, a faint flush appearing on her cheeks. Amusedly fascinated, he watched her tilt her head, her hair slipping over her shoulders. A small frown quirked his eyebrows at the sight.
He suddenly flashed out as he remembered something.
" I'm not mad... " She said as she tilted her head to one side. He watched the way her silky hair would fall over her shoulders and he resisted the urge to tuck her hair behind her ears.
Sanskaar (gruffly) : One mintue, Dr Sinha! I just... I just need a moment!
Dr Sinha : Of Course, Sanskaar! I shall settle down by that time as well.
She dropped large files on her desk and turned her heel. Sanskaar turned the other way and dazedly he watched the spot she was previously standing in, desperately trying to search the memory in hopes of an extension. He clenched his hand, and without thinking, he grabbed the blank notepad in his pocket she handed him a few days ago and wrote what came to mind.
Unseeingly, he stared at his scribble, not bothering to read what he'd written. He knew that he would find it absurd and scratch it off. Maybe he'll keep it, this one time. Not for him, of course, but for Laksh... because he was paying for this.
Sanskaar chuckled darkly at his thoughts and pocketed the notepad.
Sanskaar (thinking) : God, I'm going crazy.
Dr Sinha spoke suddenly. Sanskaar turned towards her and was dumbstruck by her bright and beautiful smile.
Dr Sinha (speaking in a rush and softly) : I'm sorry Sanskaar! I was told that you were coming in today, but I'm so used to my old schedule... Sorry, that makes me seem unprofessional. (She grinned sheepishly as she took her seat) But I am, I promise.
Sanskaar smiled as she earnestly tried to reassure him.
Sanskaar : Dr Sinha! Please relax... I believe you.
Dr Sinha (smiling sweetly) : So... How are you?
Her voice was genuine, as if she truly cared about his well-being. Sanskaar shook his head and leaned forward, his elbows supporting him on his thighs.
Sanskaar : I'm... fine. (grinning slightly) What about you?
Dr Sinha : Oh.. I'm fine. (she straightened herself, then wagged a finger at him) But this is your session.
She laughed and Sanskaar could not help but note the way her green shirt brought the colour out of her eyes brilliantly.
Dr Sinha : How is life at home?
Sanskaar : I live alone, so there isn't much, except for work and lounging in front of the television.
He shot her a crooked grin. He felt at ease in her presence, almost as if he were talking to an old friend.
Dr Sinha (amused) : And do you cook?
Sanskaar (smiling sheepishly) : Does the microwave count?
Dr Sinha : I don't think so, Mr Mehra!
Sighing, she leaned back and gave him an assessing look.
Dr Sinha : Now that we've eased into the conversation, How is the note book going?
He practically felt the burn of the words he wrote. Strangely enough, he didn't want to show it to her, at least not yet. Instead, he shook his head.
Sanskaar : It's blank!
Dr Sinha (calmly) : Koi baat nahi Sanskaar! I'm sure the memories will come in its own time. So, What does your fiancee feel about these sessions?
Sanskaar (shaking his head again) : Laksh told me not to tell her until my fifth session.
Her eyebrows shot up. Somehow, he expected that reaction from her.
Dr Sinha (reproachfully) : You don't think she will feel bad?
Sanskaar (laughing shortly) : Maybe.
Dr Sinha (interested) : That sounds intriguing. Elaborate please!
Sanskaar : Laksh and Kavita don't exactly get along. Well, they don't get along well, now, I suppose. (frowning) Before the incident, I knew for a fact that they were good friends. But they got into a huge fight - she still won't talk about it - and now I'm the one stuck in the middle.
Dr Sinha ( concerned) : Did Dr Rathore.. umm.. Laksh tell you what happened?
Sanskaar : Trust me, I've tried. Now I just leave them alone and try to ignore it.
Dr Sinha stared out the window for some time before turning back to Sanskaar and speaking.
Dr Sinha : Why don't you tell me about Kavita?
He didn't expect that. For a moment, all he could do was stare blankly at her before a smile tugged his lips at the reminder of his best friend. He made a useless gesture with his hand and dropped it with a chuckle.
Sanskaar : She's great. We grew up together and... She's temperamental and she can be a bitch, but I can't help but put up with her. She's all I've got.
The doctor stared at him with her piercing and calculating eyes and made a statement.
Dr Sinha : You love her.
Sanskaar (ironic smile) : Well, I am marrying her.
His voice was gentle and soft, but he couldn't help but feel that there was a strange tone to those words. He was marrying Kavita. He figured that since they started dating, the natural next step would be marriage. Wouldn't it? She told him she loved him, and she knew he loved her... what was stopping them?
Dr Sinha : Touche, Mr Mehra! So...
Sanskaar (smiling) : So?
Dr Sinha (leaning forward and placing a hand on Sanskaar's) : If you retrieved your memories, what are you planning on doing?
She tilted her head to one side and Sanskaar zeroed in on the moment.
And suddenly, it was just the two of them in the world. He stared straight ahead, conveniently at her, trying to remember the feeling that suddenly overcame his body. It was soothing, but it made him feel powerful. He could almost feel her small hand in his, the warmth spreading through his chest. and he unconsciously clenched his hand.
He was pulled out of his reverie with a sharp exhale.
Sanskaar : Pardon? what did you say?
But she had been watching him closely and now asked.
Dr Sinha : What just happened?
He couldn't lie to her eyes.
Sanskaar (admitting) : A strange feeling.. That's it. (silently begging God not to have him repeat what he felt because he knew he would sound ridiculous. She waited patiently, and he inwardly concluded that he had no choice but to tell her, because he knew that he wasn't going to write this down.) I... I sometimes get this comfortable feeling.. This wave of warmth and love over me, I don't know. It's a really happy moment, but I don't know why I'm happy. I just am.
He shrugged awkwardly as Dr Sinha gave out a small soft smile. He was just happy? How bizarre did that sound? God.. This doctor was going to think him crazy.
Dr Sinha (amused) : So, I think I'm right in assuming that Laksh knows nothing of this?
Sanskaar (smiling back) : Well, You certainly wouldn't lose the bet.
Dr Sinha : Do you think this ahs anything to do with Kavita?
Sanskaar (observing her for a moment, then shaking his head) : No.
Dr Sinha : Why not?
Sanskaar (bitterly) : Because if it had anything to do with Kavita, I would be feeling the same way with her all the time, opposed to those useless flashes I get.
He ran a hand over his face, feeling the exhaustion ripping inside his body. If he stayed on the topic of his incident too long, especially the unanswered questions, he started to feel a little tense.
God, why did he have to lose his memory?
Dr Sinha (gently, perhaps realising that Sanskaar was in conflict) : Do you think this might be due to something else?
Sanskaar : Not a question of something... I think it has something to do with someone.
He stared hard at the ground, tracing the pattern of millions of tiny stones. They weren't even patterns, but it entranced his eyes all the same. His chest was tight with the unrelenting desire to just know, to stop wondering.
But as always, it was no use. No matter how long he sat in silence, racking his brain, he would never remember clearly. Sanskaar let out a tired sigh. He was so DAMN tired of being this clueless all the time.
Sanskaar : I think I loved her...
He suddenly said that, looking up from the ground and was startled to see that she hasn't moved from her position, and upheld the focused look in her eyes. There was a sort of consoling, sweet smile on her face that made him stop and stare. Not because she was beautiful, but because he felt like he's seen her smile somewhere, before, long ago...
Dr Sinha (soft) : You think?
He was pulled out of his reverie. Shaking his head, he lowered his chin.
Sanskaar (in a low voice) : Yeah... I think I used to love someone. I don't remember much.. I.. think I can remember her laugh. It was really sweet and tinkling.
As a small satisfied smile appeared upon Sanskaar's lips, He missed the utter look of misery that flashed through Dr Sinha's eyes at his demeanor. He shook his head roughly.
Sanskaar : I'm sorry.. but what time is it?
Dr Sinha looked up at the clock and then spoke with a thick voice, after clearing her throat twice. She couldn't bring herself to look at him.
Dr Sinha : Right sorry Sanskaar! Our time is up... we will talk next session. It was good talking to you.
Sanskaar wanted to escape. Barely tolerating the polite exchange of words, He mumbled a hurried pleasantry and was out the door before the doctor even had a chance to get out of the chair.
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He lied.
When he said that it didn't bother him that he didn't remember her - he lied.
He lied straight through his teeth.
He stopped running; he didn't care for the sweat soaking through his shirt, or the ache shooting up his legs. He grinded his teeth, and with a snarl, pulled his fist back before punching the tree conveniently to his right. He ignored the ache and blood on his knuckles.
He felt a frustrated sob rise to his throat, but he didn't release it. Instead, he swallowed the pain and collapsed on the grass, leaning back as his arms supported his upper body. He stared up at the clear, blue sky.
He wanted it to rain, long, hard and heavy. He wanted to feel the raindrops beat against his skin until he couldn't feel anymore.
Laksh wasn't stupid. He knew what he was doing, telling him to go see a therapist; he clearly needed one. Sanskaar sometimes wondered if he was clinically depressed, because what else would this feeling be? It was rampaging his entire essence. It was an agonizing feeling, practically feeling and knowing the memory... but at the same time, he didn't. It wasn't his, it didn't belong to his mind.
It was within his grasp, but no matter how hard he pushed himself, he couldn't seem to reach it. He just... couldn't.
He let out an agonized sigh as his phone began to chime suddenly.
Unenthusiastically, he pulled it out of his pocket : Kavita...
What was he doing? His mind flashed to the session, feeling the pain intensify within his chest. What was he doing to her? To him? What was SHE doing to him?
Sanskaar (picking up the call, trying to sound cheerful) : Hey Kavita!
He felt the sting of his hand, and he scowled, briefly berating himself. He was not the type of person to take his anger out on... trees. He felt stupid.
Kavita (sounding excited) : Sanskaar, Tumhe pata hai... You absolutely won't believe it.. You know Raksha right? She's pregnant! Sanskaar, She's pregnant. Can you believe it? I'm so excited. I couldn't wait to tell you.
Sanskaar (smiling) : That's exciting news.
But her next words removed the smile from his face.
Kavita (playfully) : I can just imagine our kids, You know?
He froze. The words suddenly made his whole body go cold, and his chest felt empty. A family, huh? Well, they were getting married. Why wouldn't they have a family?
Kavita : Sanskaar?
A voice : Mr Mehra?
His head snapped forward, and his eyes met warm,intense brown. Her gaze was worried, but that clearly wasn't the reason as to why he couldn't look away.
Kavita (puzzled) : Is there someone with you Sanskaar?
Dr Sinha laughed a light, helpless laugh before motioning to his cell phone. She knelt down so that she would be at his level and spoke softly.
Dr Sinha : They're expecting your answer.
Sanskaar (looking down at his phone) : Shit... Uh, sorry Kavita, but I'm going to have to call you back.
Kavita : Sansk...
But Sanskaar had already cut the call.
Sanskaar : Dr Sinha! What're you doing?
She stopped midway from rustling in her giant purse to look up at him in bewilderment. She looked at him blankly, before slowly, deliberately, dragging her gaze to his injured hand. She looked back at him expectantly.
He had to smirk.
Sanskaar (stretching his hand towards her) : Touche!
She smiled and pulled out a handkerchief.
Dr Sinha : I don't have a first aid kit.. So we shall have to manage with this.
He watched her wrap his hand; he didn't bother asking why she was doing this. He had a feeling that she'd only evade his question.
Sanskaar (curiously) : Shouldn't you be at work?
After all, His was not the last appointment of the day.
Dr Sinha : I was there. But my client had an important event he couldn't miss so I came this way. I was worried.
She smiled briefly at the spot over his head.
Sanskaar : Why?
She pointedly looked at his injured hand, before finally, her eyes met his. She spoke, her gentle voice, making the words sound like a carress.
Dr Sinha (softly) : Because sometimes, you need someone to watch over you.
Sanskaar opened his mouth to speak.. but she was already walking away.
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As he walked into the increasingly familiar office, His face grew a sheepish expression. She was bent over her drawer, her brown hair falling over her shoulders. Inhaling sharply, he tapped the opened door lightly.
Sanskaar : Knock, Knock!
Dr Sinha looked up, surprised written on her face, before a breathtaking smile lit her face.
Dr Sinha : Hello!
That one word made him feel pleasant. Even though it sounded stupid, it was just the way it was. He smiled a half grin.
Sanskaar : Hi!
She straightened, before she placed a hand on her hip, a playful frown on her face.
Dr Sinha : So where have you been all this while? It's been two weeks.
Sanskaar closed the door behind him, but didn't take a seat quite yet. Dr Sinha went around her desk to face him, a playful determined look on her face. Oh, he knew that she was expecting him. Laksh let him know too. He just couldn't find it in himself to pick up the phone and tell her that seeing her wasn't a good idea. He couldn't even listen to her messages for God's sake.
It still wasn't, but the level of his willpower decreased. He couldn't stop the gravitational pull between them.
Yeah, he admitted it. Dr Sinha provoked feelings in him that, honestly, scared the shit out of him. He couldn't even talk about his turmoil to his therapist because - well would you look at that - it was about her. The irony.
Honestly, he wasn't as bitter as he let on. Life was just a downward spiral. How was he going to admit to Kavita that maybe marrying her wasn't such a good idea, mostly - mainly - because he was starting to feel unexplainable feelings for this Dr Sinha enigma. And he was pretty sure that you shouldn't go into marriage if you aren't one-hundred percent sure about your decision.
Sanskaar : I got your messages.
He admitted that.. but he didn't listen to a single one. God knows what her voice does to him. He rubbed the back of his neck, hating that he was lying.
Sanskaar : I... I was just busy, you know. Wedding preparations and Kavita wanted me to be with her.
He could've sworn her smile fell, but it was probably just him. Her smile was still brilliant.
Dr Sinha : No problem. Well, Have a seat. I'll be right back.
She was back in two minutes. She still smiled at him, but this time her eyes were shining, and they looked moist? Also, Her smile seemed forced.
Dr Sinha : How were the past two weeks?
Sanskaar : Busy, As I said. How were yours?
Dr Sinha : Fine...
She was talking in an absent-minded way, making notes about god knows what in her notepad. What the hell was she writing? She never wrote anything down.
Dr sinha : Have you been writing anything down?
Startled that she went right at it, he stared at her for a few moments incomprehensively. Dr Sinha had a concentrated look on her face, but when she looked up, she looked confused.
Dr Sinha : Sanskaar?
Sanskaar (lying) : No.
It was stupid to tell her that he almost associated the feelings in his memories with what he felt when he thought of her. How completely unprofessional. He almost snorted at his thought.
She nodded in understanding.
Dr Sinha : That's alright..
She smiled a warm smile and he felt himself relax in relief. There was the Dr Sinha he knew.
Dr Sinha : We are going to try something new and different today. You up for it?
Sanskaar (with a wry smile) : Do I have a choice?
Dr Sinha (responding with a cute smile) : I'm afraid not!
She paused, and seemed to be inwardly debating a matter in her head. Her eyebrows were narrowed ever so slightly and watching her, he felt his hands rise on their own accord, almost like...like he wanted to... pull her to him.
Tensed, he straightened and awaited her words.
Dr Sinha (paying no attention to the tension) : Umm.. (blushing slightly) This may sound weird, but we are going to go to the beach today.
Sanskaar (eyebrows raised) : Beach? (questioning like he had not heard correctly)
Dr Sinha (nodding) : That's right.
But if he didn't know any better, it were almost as if she were forcing the words out of her throat.
Dr Sinha : To tell the truth, Dr Rathore thought it might be a good idea to go to the beach today. He's worried about you.
Sanskaar watched her, an unreadable expression on his face. Laksh was worried. As if he didn't know that.
But the way she said it made his chest clench.
Sanskaar (skeptically) : So he suggested the beach?
Dr Sinha (cheerily) : Yes. (sensing his mood) Don't you like the beach?
No. They just made him completely miserable.
Guessing his answer, She continued.
Dr Sinha : I'm a therapist! You're paying me to discuss your problems. You don't need coaxing if you came here willingly. And today.. Today, You came of your own accord. Willingly.
She shot him a pointed look, but it wasn't condescending. It was sweet and it made him smile. Sighing, he rubbed the back of his neck. Where was he supposed to start? He felt like the life is sucked out of him whenever he stepped into an atmosphere remotely like a beach resonated? He knew it had to do with something he forgot. Maybe something horrible happened. Maybe something wonderful. If anything, it had to do with the girl he was once in love with.
God, strong feelings were provoked even after memories were erased... it had to mean something. It can't not.
Dr Sinha : How's Kavita?
Sanskaar shook himself out of his reverie, his mind flashing to his best friend. She was fine; great, even.
But that was because she didn't know about these sessions. He briefly wondered what she would do if she discovered it was all Laksh's doing.
Sanskaar : She doesn't know I come here still.
Dr Sinha : Accha? Then where does she think you are?
Sanskaar : She assumes I'm with Laksh.
He shot her a crooked grin when she shook her head good-naturedly.
Sanskaar : So.. shall we go?
Dr Sinha : Really? You don't mind. It will certainly take more than an hour's session time...
Sanskaar : I don't mind as long as...
As long as you're with me..
Shit! Was that what he had been about to say?
Dr Sinha : As long as?
Sanskaar just stared at her blankly.
Dr Sinha : Mr Mehra?
Sanskaar : Nothing. Chalo, Let's go.
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He couldn't stop himself from laughing.
She was just so... unprofessional that he couldn't help but smile. The way she tried to eat her cotton candy reminded him of a child; she wasn't neat. She was scowling and struggling, muttering god-knows-what under her breath. He thought it was cute.
He swiped a strand that managed to attach itself in her gorgeous hair.
Sanskaar (amused) : You missed a spot.
Dr Sinha's responding smile made his chest clench in the way where all he could think that she was too beautiful to be alone. Why the hell didn't she have a boyfriend anyway? Did she have a boyfriend? For some strange reason, the thought didn't settle too well with him. It almost made him feel... jealous.
Dr Sinha : Cotton candy is so delicious. But it's so sticky and I have a really hard time with it.
Sanskaar : It's on a stick. But that doesn't mean you can't use your hands to take a piece and eat it, Instead of putting your mouth on the stick.
Dr Sinha (giving him a haughty look) : Cotton candy is meant to be eaten on a stick. It's the feel of the beach.
Sanskaar (wryly) : I guess the sand and the water means nothing?
As he cast his eyes at the people on the boats and kids playing on the sand, completely exhilarated, He took in a deep breath, quelling down the dark sensation clawing at his chest. God, he completely had issues. Why did he feel so wretched whenever he was here?
He felt something grab his hand. And everything was suddenly okay.
Dr SInha (tugging him near the ice cream stall) : Come on... We have lots to do. Boat rides, Balloon shooting, Eating some more cotton candy... By the way, If I get a sugar rush or fall down from the boat ,You have to save me. I might... I'm really clumsy. I do get slightly seasick as well.
Sanskaar (scoffing) : You are seasick and yet, You're going to go on the ride?
Dr Sinha : That's right... I can handle it.
Sanskaar (drawling) : Sure.
Dr Sinha (sounding completely offended) : You don't believe me?
Sanskaar froze. He heard a girl's voice in his head.
Girl : That's not true.
Him (amused) : Oh really?
Girl : Yes.. You are so wrong about this. It's not happening... (seeing his amused gaze) You don't believe me?
Sanskaar came out of his momentary daze. He blinked and saw Dr Sinha staring at him, not as his companion and friend, but as his therapist. Her eyes were sharp and focused which made him tense, but he relaxed when he acknowledged the softness in her gaze. He felt his chest tighten, and the notepad he carried everywhere he went - it felt heavy in his pocket.
Seeing her questioning look, he smiled slightly with a shrug.
Sanskaar : I felt the feeling again. That weird flashy feeling? Something you said reminded me... of that period.
He saw no use in lying to her. Why would he lie? There was no point, not anymore. She was there to help, so he was going to let her help. What's the harm in that?
Apart from the obvious attraction, but he didn't count that. It was all science; all chemistry.
He was a man. She was a woman. He had testosterone.. She had oestrogen. That was all it was. Just science.
Dr Sinha (smiling) : Do you remember?
He frowned, his thoughts muddled.
Sanskaar : No.
He wasn't even going to wrack his brain. He'd rather spend all the time he could with her.
Sanskaar stopped at that thought.
She hummed under her breath in understanding. He wondered how she went through school and the competition in this field of psychology. She seemed too nice to survive. He wanted to know about her school life, so he asked her.
As they strolled along the beach, She told him about her late nights and near-depression moments. He knew the feeling; university almost destroyed him.
But she loved her job, so she said it was all worth it. Of course she would say that. He smirked at her in silence. They were waiting in line. He didn't understand how this contributed to his session, but he wasn't complaining. He was enjoying himself. More so than he has in the past few weeks.
Suddenly, she spoke completely horrified.
Dr Sinha : Have you told Kavita yet?
Sanskaar (blankly) : No. Why would I?
Dr Sinha : Why not?
Sanskaar (in a rush) : Because she doesn't need to know what I'm doing every second of my life.
She smacked him on his arm lightly and made him laugh automatically.
Sanskaar : What? I did text her saying I'll be late.
Dr Sinha (frowning slightly) : That sounds... suspicious.
Sanskaar (grinning) : Completely.
Dr Sinha rolled her eyes, but he caught the smile on her face as she turned away.
Dr Sinha : I just think... I just think it would be nice... If I ever had a boyfriend or fiance, I just think it would be nice if I knew where he was. At least some of the time.
Sanskaar was observing her closely.
Sanskaar : It's different. (At her confused look) It's different for you. You worry about him.
Was it wrong that he felt like killing this hypothetical boyfriend.
Sanskaar : You want to know where he is so that you know he's okay.
Dr Sinha put on a puzzled expression.
Dr Sinha : Isn't that the case with you?
Sanskaar (shaking his head) : Kavita is... Kavita is more controlling. She has to know where I am. If she ever knew that I was with you...
He trailed off. He didn't even want to imagine that scenario. She would immediately lash out and accuse him. It wasn't her fault;
It was just the way she was. Kavita has always been insecure, and he did his best to assure her.
But sometimes he needed time to himself. She wanted to squeeze into every aspect of his life. He couldn't even use the washroom without her knowing, for crap's sake. She was like a hawk.
Kavita was his best friend. But Sanskaar didn't feel like telling her everything. Was that bad of him?
Dr Sinha (in a reassuring tone, amused) : Don't worry. I'm safe.
Sanskaar (dry tone) : You sure?
Because he didn't feel safe anymore. He wasn't safe... at all.
Her eyebrows shot up, as if she were ready to defend herself.
Dr Sinha ( grinning brilliantly, amusement lighting up her eyes) : Chill! I am safe. I mean, I couldn't even do anything to you even if I wanted to.
Sanskaar (chuckling) : What makes you say that?
He felt himself hold his breath when her eyes locked with his. Damn, what her eyes could do to him. He turned away to look at the horizon.
Dr Sinha (innocently) : I couldn't hurt you. I'm too nice.
He turned towards her amused, but as he caught sight of her, she turned and her hair was in his hands. Her soft, silky hair was in his hands. He stared at them entranced. An odd expression settled on his face. He... couldn't stop staring.
Sanskaar (whispering) : Brown or black... Black or brown... Which is it? It's so mesmerizing.
She seemed like she was holding her breath, but when she answered, she sounded perfectly normal.
Dr Sinha : Both!
He released the strands, an odd silence between them. It wasn't awkward or uncomfortable. It was, well, unexplainable. He felt like he was missing something. He looked at her from the corner of his eye. She seemed to be deep in thought, her eyes faraway. He cleared under throat discreetly. He didn't like her being silent. He felt like she was slowly detaching herself away from him.
Sanskaar (lamely) : Well, It's really nice.
He almost smacked himself. Amazing. He should've thought of what to say before blurting anything out.
She blinked out of her reverie, glancing at him with a slight smile. She nodded her thanks and remained quiet.
Sanskaar began berating himself. He felt his heart sinking. Did he do something? Dr Sinha was never quiet like this. Something was tugging at him inside, but he couldn't place his finger on it. He resisted the urge to whirl her around to face him and demand what was wrong. He really didn't like seeing her like this.
Finally, He just said her name. Her eyes shuttered before a smile lightened her face.
Dr Sinha : Sorry about that. I keep forgetting to stay professional with you. I feel like I can be myself.
He stared at her. He didn't know what to say about that.
Finally, He said.
Sanskaar : That's alright! I don't care. And anyways, We are not in the clinic, So you can be who you are. (At her protesting look) Dr Sinha! Listen! I'm who I am. I don't change. So you shouldn't either.
They eyed each other silently, willing for the other to break first. Finally, Dr Sinha turned away. Sanskaar almost didn't hear her... But he did.
Dr Sinha (whispering) : You were always sturbborn.
He smirked in triumph - until her words hit him.
Sanskaar (blurting out) : What do you mean?
She seemed to stiffen and if he weren't watching her closely, he wouldn't have noticed. She had a way of hiding her feelings. Her body betrayed her, but she reacted fast enough that if someone who wasn't paying attention would've missed it completely.
Dr Sinha (coolly) : I just think I know you well enough to say that you're stubborn.
She said it like it were a joke. Like she was kidding. But no. The words were strange. She used it as if they were long time friends. She also said it under the breath, as if without much thought. He knew she meant more. There was more. His brain began to go overdrive, filing through his memories. Shit, this was something else.
Dr Sinha (abruptly) : Come on... We have to go to the water. Come on now. Let's go on the boat.
He quirked an eyebrow at her back. She sounded too relieved. He smirked to himself, following after her. Oh yeah, there was definitely more.
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The sky was golden orange. It cast a warm glow over the water making it look golden as well. They were standing in line to get into a boat. As they waited for their turn, He saw couples moving here and there. It was like a movie scene.
Of course he'd start to notice couples holding hands around this time. It was picture perfect. And it was agony.
Dr Sinha : You look troubled! Let's talk...
Sanskaar : Wow! You're blunt!
Dr Sinha (getting into the boat) : You're paying me for it.
Sanskaar (getting in as well) : True that.
They settled in the rowboat and the boatman began taking them away.
Dr Sinha (after two minutes) : I get seasick.. And I'm afraid of the ocean.
Sanskaar (incredulously) : Why are we here then?
Dr Sinha (talking like it's obvious) : Because I... I want to experience the true feel of being at the beach.
He looked at her and saw her slightly tense face and her eyes swrewed shut. Then, he began to shake the boat a little, just to shake her up. Her eyes opened and she glared at him.
Dr Sinha : I'm going to kill you.
Sanskaar (wryly) : That's professional.
He looked up at silence, and felt his heart soften. He really did want to hold her hand. She was forcing herself to breathe evenly, and when she opened her eyes, she automatically looked out at the ocean.
Dr Sinha (softly) : I love sunsets.
They weren't moving anymore, so they had an amazing view of the ocean, the sand and the sun. The golden glow was more pronounced, and it reflected off her majestically. She was gorgeous. She really was.
He felt a peaceful sensation settle over his chest. He could breathe easier, and... he could just be like this forever. It was nice. He closed his eyes to relish in the moment.
Sanskaar : Me too... (he opened his eyes) You know, I haven't been here in a while. The beach... The beach makes me feel miserable. Like there's no hope. (grinning slightly) But with you, With you, It's bearable.
She cracked a smile, but remained quiet. Sanskaar frowned. His therapist always.. ALWAYS had something to say.
Sanskaar : Doc! You okay?
She choked on air, and nodded rapidly.
Dr Sinha : Yes!
Sanskaar (quietly) : Liar! Your ears flare up when you lie.
His mind went to another place.
"I was not lying."
"You were. You know what, my love! Your ears flare up when you lie. "
Dr Sinha (embarrased) : I know... (smiling) It's horrible.
And his mind went back again.
" I know... It's horrible."
His smile began to fall. The words escaped him without much thought.
Sanskaar : I thought you said lying was bad.
The world seemed to freeze. There was something powerful in this moment; he felt it. His whole body was hyper alert. And he couldn't take his eyes off her. She... Dr Sinha was there and she was staring at him. Dr Sinha was staring at him with eyes he couldn't even begin to describe. He saw fear and apprehension. He saw the sadness. He also saw the dying hope.
Oh God, he wanted to make her smile.
Dr Sinha (in a thick voice) : She's still in here.
The boat started moving and they were jolted out of the moment. Sanskaar was crushed. Because he never wanted time to go back as badly as he did in that moment. Whatever transpired between them - he knew that she wasn't going to talk about it. She would hide behind the therapist card. She would evade the question stealthily.
He knew she knew what happened. But he didn't know how to bring it up without her closing him off just as fast.
They pulled up onto shore but neither of them moved.
Sanskaar : what was that?
Dr Sinha (a sad smile on her lips) : Why don't you tell me?
He watched her walk away, a playful smile on her face. She knew. What the hell. She wasn't going to tell him.
Shaking his head, he stood up and followed her. He didn't feel frustrated, to his surprise. He felt... content, almost.
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Sanskaar entered the room and spoke without preamble.
Sanskaar : My fiancee, Kavita thinks I am cheating on her.
Dr Sinha (amused) : What the hell did you tell her?
Sanskaar (smirking) : First, I let her go on for a while.. Kavita loves to shout. I was thinking of ways to escape. But then, I grew impatient and I told her to shut up. (Sheepish smile) Unnecessary stress. I told her I wasn't.
Dr Sinha : Gee! I wonder why she feels this way.
Sanskaar : Sarcasm doesn't become you. But... I wonder why she feels that way too.
They shared a look and smiled.
Dr Sinha (as always) : How are you?
He shrugged in response, trying to think of words to explain the thoughts plaguing his mind. He played with the notebook in his pocket. To his surprise, it was halfway completed with his scribbling. He never read any of what he wrote down, but he knew what was there. Of course he did. The feelings were sharper.
Dr Sinha (cutting through his thoughts) : It's almost 10 sessions now. Are you ever going to tell her?
Sanskaar (straight-forward) : No!
Dr Sinha : No? Why ever not?
Sanskaar : I don't know how to tell her. She's temperamental and impatient. And while I'm usually not an imaptient guy, I find that I am not patient enough to deal with her accusing stares and one million questions.
Dr Sinha ( amused) : Well, why doesn't she come here then? I'll be your mediator.
There was something in her eyes, besides amusement. A sadness so deep it shook his heart. But there was also determination. Something that said she had made a decision?
Sanskaar : You sure? She might yell at you.
Dr Sinha (quietly, softly) : I think I can handle it.
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Sanskaar was nervous.
As he drove the car, he stared at Kavita sitting beside him and he was nervous. She was humming. Sanskaar felt himself tighten his hands on the wheel. She didn't know where they were going, telling her it was a surprise. He hoped that she wasn't expecting him to bring her somewhere fancy. They were going to a clinic, He always chuckled out loud at that. Yeah, she was definitely in for a surprise.
As he drove into the parking space, Kavita gazed around in confusion.
Kavita : Why are we here Sanskaar? Is this a clinic?
He sighed.
Sanskaar : Remember when we had that conversation about me cheating on someone?
Kavita straightened, and nodded. She didn't look mad, though. Sanskaar felt emboldened and he continued.
Sanskaar : I still can't believe you thought that. I don't know if I should be pissed or just surprised. But moving on...
She interrupted him.
Kavita : Well, You have been missing frequently. You go somewhere and you don't tell me. You cancel all sorts of plans. You don't seem eager about the wedding... How on Earth do you expect me to feel? (looking worriedly at the clinic) Are you sick, Sanskaar? Is that why you're missing?
He laughed, shaking his head. She took his hand, but he gently brushed it off.
Sanskaar : I'm not sick. But I am in therapy. Laksh is paying for this. I have been to ten sessions already.
Kavita : What? Why? Didn't you think I could help?
Sanskaar shook his head, frustrated.
Sanskaar : You don't understand, Kavita! Therapy is helping me... They're about the incident. My memories. Not knowing anything is killing me, and you turn your head away whenever I ask you about it! (trying to calm himself) Look! Laksh noticed.. He wanted to help. I thought his request was reasonable so I complied and came here.
Kavita looked angry.
Kavita : What happened to you was horrible. But it was an accident. I just don't see any point in bringing it back. It's gone.. Why do you care?
They had come in front of Dr Sinha's room. As Kavita continued her disapproval of him coming to therapy, The door opened and a pretty face popped out.
Dr Sinha (her face suppresed with laughter) : Hello!
Of course, she would find this funny. She found everything funny. A smile began to form on his face.
Sanskaar : Hey!
She came out of the room and smiled at them. He turned to look at Kavita - only to see her gone completely white. She was staring at Dr Sinha with wide eyes. He didn't give her a chance to speak and gently guided her inside the room. Dr Sinha closed the door behind her and walked to her usual seat. She took one look at the girl beside her and smiled.
Dr Sinha : Did he just bombard you with this information?
Sanskaar (shrugging) : Well, IT was the only way she would not have yelled at me.
He grinned at Kavita to show that he was joking, but she was tense and pale. He frowned.
Sanskaar : What is it, Kavita?
She didn't answer. Instead, her eyes grew wet with unshed tears and she clenched her hands. Uh-Oh! This gesture warned Sanskaar. Kavita was going to blow up.
Kavita (roughly) : Why? Why are you here? Why couldn't you have left us alone?
Dr Sinha : Kavita... Please just sit...
Kavita : NO! You were supposed to stay bloody away. We (looking at Sanskaar) We are going to get married. I love him. Don't you get it? I LOVE HIM! Why.. why come back into my life? He's been doing fine without you. He can do so for the rest of his life.
There was tense silence. Sanskaar's mind was whirling. He looked at Dr Sinha, and he saw her take a step back. She inhaled and smiled a forced smile. God, that didn't look right on her.
Dr Sinha : Kavita.. Please.. just
Kavita (throwing up her hands) : Fine!
She sat down, but her acceptance made Sanskaar's blood run cold.
Kavita : What do you want?
Dr Sinha ( quietly, sadly) : I missed you.
Sanskaar's eyes grew round and he rubbed his temples.
Sanskaar : Both of you know each other?
Kavita : Yes!
Dr Sinha (apologetically) : I didn't think it was my place to tell you.
He felt confused. He didn't know what to feel.
Sanskaar : Why not?
Kavita (warning etched in her tone) : Don't!
He looked at her and she was gazing at Dr Sinha with plead in her eyes.
Kavita : Please don't!
Dr Sinha cleared her throat, smiling a small smile.
Dr Sinha : I won't tell him. You love him.
Sanskaar (furious now) : What the hell? I WANT TO KNOW (seeing their faces, his expression changed and he shook Kavita's shoulders) : I took these sessions from Laksh because I knew I needed help. You wouldn't help me, so I took it. I've been dying inside, Kavita, There's something missing, and I needed to know what it was.
Kavita : But...
Sanskaar : These therapy sessions are helping me. She (pointing at Dr Sinha, a slight smile on his lips) is helping me remember! I am not in agony anymore. I am happy... I am happy!
Kavita (pain in her voice) : Am I not making you happy?
Sanskaar (accusing tone) : YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO ME! You know and you think I don't need to know. Dammit... I need to know. I NEED TO KNOW! You know what happened to me. Laksh knows what happened to me. Maybe even Dr Sinha knows what happened to me. Just tell me what happened. If I don't know, then I'll never get over it.
Kavita sighed and spoke. Her words surprised him!
Kavita : You loved her... You were so in love with her.
She said it with a broken tone but there was also venom in her voice.
Sanskaar : Who?
Kavita (pausing) : No one! She was there once. But now, she's gone.
Sanskaar (frowning) : She didn't love me?
Dr Sinha (softly) : She did.
Heart pounding, he looked at her.
Dr Sinha : I knew her too.
What the hell? His mind was spinning. Dr Sinha knew her. She's been listening to him rack his brain while she sat there patiently when she knew the whole time. Sanskaar expected himself to be completely pissed off at her.
But in the end, he sort of felt relieved. He didn't know why.
Kavita was quiet for a while. Then she spoke.
Kavita : She did love you.
She paused, looking at Dr Sinha with unreadable eyes. Something dangerous transpired between them that caused Dr Sinha to look away with a sigh of acceptance.
Kavita (viciously) : She was the reason for your going through so much pain. She was the reason you got hurt. So, I can never forgive her.
Sanskaar (angry with Kavita) : How can you blame her unknowingly? She wouldn't have done it intentionally. I want to meet this girl.
Maybe - maybe if he met this girl. Maybe he'd remember. Maybe he'd finally know the whole truth.
Kavita stood up, betrayal in her eyes.
Kavita : Sanskaar! Why?
Sanskaar : Because I feel like I'm floating in mid-air. I don't belong here Kavita! I feel like a huge chunk of me is missing. And like it or not, You caused that too. Does that not mean anything to you? You watched me during those nights when I felt completely tortured. And you knew. I know you know, but I didn't want to press you - but now...
HE turned to the doctor.
Sanskaar : You know her right? Can you help me contact her?
Dr Sinha who had been silent until now, froze a little then gave a wistful smile.
Dr Sinha : Maybe... Maybe not!
Sanskaar groaned inwardly. Why were they so reluctant. He watched as Kavita just picked up her hand bag, looked searchingly at Dr Sinha, and left the room.
Dr Sinha : Aren't you going to go after her?
Sanskaar (broken) : What's the point? She's been lying to me all this while, Dr Sinha! I was in love with someone. She didn't tell me that. She knows all about my accident. She won't tell me that. How am I supposed to marry her after this?
He laughed a false laugh. Rubbing his eyes, he looked at his therapist with a tired look.
Sanskaar : I need to find this girl!
He left the room.
Dr Sinha (softly, tearfully) : Don't Sanskaar! Not right now.
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Sanskaar wasn't stupid. Laksh knew there was something betweed him and Dr Sinha. He was the one who had arranged for all these therapy sessions. He knew everything. And now, Sanskaar was going to know. He need to know.
So he cornered his friend at his house, making sure there were no means of escape.
They sat in the kitchen, seated across from each other.
Laksh (grinning) : Are you just going to glare at me all day?
Sanskaar (glaring even more) : You know.
Laksh (raising an eyebrow) : Know what?
Sanskaar : About me.. You know about the girl. You know about the accident. You know EVERYTHING. I don't. So tell me.. Tell me what you know.
Laksh lost his arrogant expression and he looked at him with an unreadable look. Sanskaar was sick of getting that from him, especially his best friend. Laksh knew him more than he knew himself, literally. Weren't they supposed to tell each other everything? He was so sick of not knowing.
Laksh : How are the sessions going on?
Sanskaar : Stop it! Stop changing the subject! I know Dr Sinha has something to do with this.
Laksh (surprised) : Why do you say that?
Sanskaar : No! You don't get to ask me questions. Tell me the truth.
Laksh : Sanskaar! I'm not kidding. Tell me why!
Sanskaar : I want to know how you knew that going to Dr Sinha would help me. I haven't remembered this much throughout all these years. And suddenly I'm talking to this beautiful girl and I'm getting bombarded with these feelings that leave me confused and -
He broke off, then looked at Laksh, deadly.
Sanskaar : Was I in love?
Laksh Rathore didn't say anything for a long time. But then he smiled, a sort of quiet satisfaction in his eyes that confused Sanskaar even more.
Laksh : You were.
Sanskaar hesitated. He didn't really ask about the incident under a serious light. There was no need to before. The past was the past. But now... Now everything was different. He frowned. He wanted to know so much. He wanted to remember.
Sanskaar : Was she... (he wanted to ask something else) Was she nice?
Laksh burst out laughing and Sanskaar couldn't help himself as well. Out of all the questions to ask...
Laksh : She was the sweetest person you ever met. She was incredible... and if you remembered... She was beautiful. She had a good nature.
Sanskaar felt his chest tighten. Why didn't he know this person? It wasn't fair. His mind immediately went to Dr Sinha and he wondered if this girl was as beautiful as her.
Sanskaar (the words burning at his throat) : Did... Did she love me?
Laksh (looking at him like he was crazy) : She was your princess Sanskaar! She was yours. She loved you so much. She belonged to you... Just like you belong to her!
Sanskaar (whispering) : Then why did she leave me?
The pain was unexpected at those words. He tried not to touch his chest. God. If this woman loved him, why wasn't she with him?
Laksh observed him, an inward battle going through his eyes. Sanskaar could see it. His next words knocked the wind out of him.
Laksh : Your fiancee told her not to.
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Kavita told her not to.
Kavita told her not to...
The words hit like a blow to the chest. He confronted her. He asked her, why the hell would she do such a thing. He was breaking and she let him break. He felt a little sick. If she loved him, why did she let that happen?
And her reply had been that she loved him. She loved him... How could anyone else fall in love with him.
Sanskaar couldn't say anything to that.
In the end, he left her apartment, running as hard as he can as far as he can. He somehow found himself in front of the clinic. He knew subconsciously that this was where he wanted to be, next to her - he just needed to hear her voice. She was the only thing going right in his life right now.
He walked inside, expecting to wait for a while, but he saw her standing there, as if waiting for him. Dr Sinha had a smile on her face, her hands clasped in front of her lightly.
He stared.
Dr Sinha : I knew you would come. Kavita called me and told me. She wanted to know if you're okay.
Seeing his furious look, she laughed lightly and spoke.
Dr Sinha : She.. She didn't mean to hurt you Sanskaar! She just loved you. Of course she'd want to keep you away from this other girl. Maybe I would too.
Sanskaar (slowly) : This other girl.. Apparently, I was irrevocably in love with her.
His mind shifter and he heard a voice in another time.
"I don't know how.. I don't know when.. But I am irrevocably in love with you"
It was his voice. He knew it was his.
Breathing hard, he stared at Dr Sinha, the words becoming sharper and clearer in his mind. And if he searched deep enough, he knew he would find her face. But all he could come up with was... brownish black hair.
His expression went slack and he blinked, trying to clear his thoughts. But he knew - it was his. The memory was his, and he remembered brownish-black hair.
Like hers.
Dr Sinha crossed over to where he was standing and smiled at him. He felt completely muddled, but he also felt hopeful.
Dr sinha : Come on! Let's go to the beach.
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They walked along the beach. They had no particular destination, and he didn't mind. Knowing that she was there with him - it was enough. The sun was bright over their heads and there were people jostling around them. The beach was pretty cramped, actually, but that gave him more the reason to be close to Dr Sinha and watch out for her. He didn't know what kind of psychos walked the streets.
He frowned a little, glancing at her neutral face, the faint smile on her lips as she curiously observed her surroundings. He... didn't know her name. He opened his mouth to ask casually, but something else came out.
Sanskaar : What was this girl like?
Dr Sinha : That's a heavy question. Why do you think I can answer that?
Sanskaar : You knew her... Why did you not tell me? Why did you let me go on about it without saying anything? Knowing what you know about her could have helped.
Dr Sinha : I don't think so. You needed to realize what you wanted to know. I could be spewing out lies and if I said they were true, you'd believe me. I think you remember her a little better.
Sanskaar (grinning) : So, you going to tell me about her?
Dr Sinha (thoughtfully) : She's clumsy. She is clumsy but she could be graceful. In fact, I think she's become more graceful now.
Sanskaar : You still talk to her?
Dr Sinha (mysteriously) : You could say that. (thinking for a while) She misses you so much, You know. She loves you... But she tries not to dwell on the past. She's trying to.. but she misses you.
Her voice was full of raw emotion, and when she looked at him, she smiled.
He was speechless. He wanted more information, but he didn't know where to begin. How did she look like? What did she do? Did she have a family?
Sanskaar : Why did she go away when Kavita asked her to?
Dr Sinha stopped and her eyes became unreadable.
Dr Sinha (quietly) : Because she was afraid you would hate her.
She stretched her hand and touched the scar on his chin.
Dr Sinha (whispering) : She caused this. She made this scar appear.
He felt a jolt throughout his entire body at the gesture. He smelt her scent, and everything seemed so familiar it was almost killing him inside.
Dr Sinha : She's sorry for this.
And his mind went elsewhere..
"I'm so sorry for this, Sanskaar! I'm so sorry"
He shook his head roughly, a curse word erupting from his throat. God, he wanted to just - he couldn't handle this right now. He felt mixed emotions rampaging throughout his entire being, he just wanted to settle on one. He lifted his hands to gently push Dr Sinha away because she seemed to be the cause. They reacted too well with each other. She was almost like...
Dr Sinha lifted her hands up at the same time, just as someone bumped into her sharply from behind, causing her to jerk forward.
Without thinking, Sanskaar stretched his arms out, catching the beauty. He felt her breathing stop.
She was familiar in his arms. And suddenly, suddenly he knew.
He didn't move, he didn't even tear his gaze from where she was standing. She began to move away He only clasped her elbow, right when she was about to pass by him. She stopped moving as well. They weren't even facing each other, but he felt like -
Well. He felt like he finally found her.
Sanskaar : Your favourite colour is blue.
He felt her tense, but she was still immobile. He felt his heard pounding hard against his ribcage. He didn't know how this was happening, but it was.
His voice sounded strange to his ears.
Sanskaar : You can't choose your favourite book because you love too many. You love earrings.. (rage in his tone) And.. And your brother abused you. He thought it was your fault your parents died.. But it was not.. IT WAS NOT!
They were the only two people in the world.
Sanskaar : Kavita told you that she loved me. You tried to make me fall in love with her. But it didn't work. We came here to the beach and I told you I had fallen in love with you.
He felt her shaking lightly. His hand went from her elbow to her hand. He laced his fingers in with hers and smiled to himself. Perfect fit.
Sanskaar : I dropped you back home. But then, I felt it... I knew something was wrong with you so I came to your house, where your brother was beating you. I tried to stop him, but he struck my head... with a vase.
He remembered that day in the house.
" Move Swara! Go away... It's not safe for you."
He saw the tears in her eyes and she was sobbing openly. But God - that smile on her face.
He felt like whatever heavy shit he's been carrying for the past few years was lifted from his shoulder. He could breathe easily, and when he smiled at her, he knew that's how he wanted it to be for the rest of his life.
Sanskaar (a smile tugging on his face as well) : My Dr Sinha! What's your name?
She grinned.
Swara : Since you seem to have recovered, I'll tell you.
He slipped an arm around her waist, pulling her close. She smiled her smile.
Swara : Swara!
Sanskaar kissed her, and murmured.
Sanskaar : I thought so!
He smiled a faint smile. Memory loss for a few months? Screw that. Reason is powerless in the expression of love.
She tiptoed to give him a sweet kiss on the lips. Their hug completed his entire being.
Swara : Welcome back, My Darling!
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Love is longing for the half of ourselves we have lost.
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Woah... I finally finished this story. Please tell me how it is :) :)
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