Originally posted by: Vaibhi.
Dear Sanskar,
I know you are angry with me, and you have full right to get angry, yes I agree that I have hurt you numerous times, I have taken your love for granted , behave rudely with you when you confessed your love, I can feel now the same pain you have gone through that time, so yes, I know..I know how it feels , and trust me, I don't have any complain against you for making me cry as I really want you to punish me for all what I did with you , because if you don't punish me or become ready to forgive me , then also , I would never be able to forgive myself for hurting you so much in past, I definitely feel and accept that I should go through all the feelings you have gone through and then only , I can say , yes I understand your pain completely , and I am ashamed of all the mistakes I have done with you ...
But then , I want to ask some questions, don't think it's my complain or anything like that my Love, you are free not to give me any answer, but I am just asking you so that I don't repeat any of my mistakes in future and don't hurt you or let you down again even unknowingly , I don't want another Misunderstandings between us , and so , it's important for me to know what you really want me to do , as I depend on your intelligence and thinking power more than anything else and even more than myself , for me, now, whatever you will say me, I will follow... and as you said , You know me better than what I know about myself , so I think you are the only person , who can give me answers of all those questions that making me confused about what to do and what not...
1. You told me that I used you like Kathputli .. okay if you are saying so , then I must have done it , but my question is..WHEN?
No , I am not making fun of your accusation, I really don't know when exactly I used you and that means I don't know what is called using , so if you please explain me, then I won't repeat it in future even by mistake.
As far as I can remember , you wanted to fix everything in my life on realizing your mistake of drugging me and spoiling my image, and I was ready to take your help but I was always clear about my intentions, that I had a mission of reuniting my parents, and even after your confession, I again made the same thing clear , when Ragini's confession of crime happened , I was ready to say everybody the truth why I had denied for divorce and I really felt that time that I should not continue that drama any further and decided to free you from my torture , but you said me "You Have Right To Do This With Me" , and I trusted you that time...
I agree that I have no right to use anybody even if he is willingly deciding to get used , as I think you had a hope somewhere that promising me complete support from your side would not be so much painful as I made it for you later... but then , I never forced you to be a kath puthli in my missions that time, you were with me with your consent , yes I agree that I have taken your efforts of showing love for granted , But I never used you knowingly , I can't use anybody knowingly , I really did not know that you were going through such a feelings that I had been using you as KathPutli , I took it all as your support willingly given from your side, I am sorry I could not realize the truth that I was actually using you as kathputli , you should have told me once na? You thought you would be able to take the pain of being used as Kath Putli and never let me know, but see, you gave it back to me, and now you just keep me remembering every time we meet that I have used you as KathPutli , knowing it very well that I have never forced you to join me in my missions, you knew about my intentions always very well from the beginning...It's not that I have told you another story before staring my mission and then all of a sudden you realized that I was actually using you..Is it so ? No na?
So I would really like to know what is the definition and meaning of using , as I really don't want to hurt you in future by using you again unknowingly , as you also know it very well that I gonna trust you again when you will say me that you are willingly helping me ...so please , before I take it in other way , clear my confusion about the term "Using"..
2. As far as I can remember , you told me that I had right to question you anything and even doubt on you , but then when I asked questions about kidnapping , you clearly denied to give me any answers saying I was giving you immense pain , and till now , I am paying for giving you that pain , and I am accepting it with my whole heart as I know that I deserve it , I was definitely wrong to give you pain , to doubt on you and for breaking your heart into pieces, but then my question is what exactly you were thinking when you told me with smile that I had right to question you anything ? I definitely took it as my right to question you anything and even if you get hurt for that , you won't get angry so much that you will be ready to end our relationship .. I can feel how much broken you are , but ending our relationship means you are giving me punishment of something you allowed me to do with yourself. So now I feel , you have set certain limits for me like I have right to question you on this and that issues only and not whatever I feel necessary to ask you , but then you did not inform me about that limit and the certain things I have right to question you about... I am ready to say you sorry throughout my life for breaking your heart but I would like to request you to make it clear what you exactly mean by "my rights" , please my love..please, as I don't want to disappoint you again in future by questioning you something I should not have questioned you or I have no right to ask you even if you say "Swara, you have right to ask me anything " ..Just say me, should I take it seriously in future if you say the same to me again?
3. Sanskar , you told me that I am doing every thing to be Mahaan , trust me, you are the one who made me realize how selfish and appreciation lover I am.. I never realized it before really , yes I agree I want to be mahaan , as I trust you more than myself now and you told me that you know me better than myself , so yes , may be I am just concerned about my mission of "how to be mahaan" but then are you sure that you did not fall for that same "mahaan girl" ? Or you knew it that whatever I was doing was just my desperate attempt of being mahaan but still you could not stop yourself from falling for a selfish girl like me? I forgave you for drugging me as I was mahaan , I tried to reunite my parents as I wanted to be mahaan , I saved you from false molestation charge as I wanted to be mahaan , I tried to reunite Ragini and Lakshya as i wanted to be "mahaan" yes I agree , and now I am trying to be "mahaan" again by helping your family , and you and everybody else will expect me to forgive and forget again and again all the pain and humiliation I am going through right now, just because I am mahaan... You would have not expect it from any other ordinary girl na that she gonna forgive you for such crimes you have not forgiven yourself for committing ?
Or what you exactly want now? you want me to change, if you want , then okay I will try ..but what should I do then ? In future when your family members, your badi maa, your mom will say me sorry for all the humiliation they gifted me when they used to trust my sister , then should I say them "Okay , I am a normal human being , not Mahaan, don't expect me to forgive you all so easily " Or should I say you that I never gonna forgive you for making me cry even after promising to be and remain as the reason of my smile always? Or not to forget the numerous times you just shouted at me to leave...? or refused to listen anything from me?
No Sanskar , I will again listen to you , I will again forget everything once you explain me your reasons of being so rude with me, even now am accepting all the pain you are giving me as I know I deserve it even though I don't know the reason , I don't know why you were silent when your shubhchintak bhavi called me a thief, I don't know why you did not trust me even when I had vowed in front of the God and told me "kaise yakeen kar lu tum par ?"
Yes i don't know anything about these reasons but I t just know I deserve it as a punishment of breaking your heart and you have right to punish me in every other way possible , but you know what ? I am expected to understand that you have some reasons behind being so rude with me, as I am "mahaan" yes it's a fact , whatever I am going through , you can't expect any normal girl to be understanding even after that , but I will always remain understanding and all forgiving as I was from the beginning , I will always feel that you have right to doubt on my love even if I don't have right to question you anything , because I am "mahaan"
Now my question is, Do you really want me to change and not to forget and forgive whatever happening with me right now? pain changing me in another way , but i want to know your wish ... What do you want me to do ? to remember all your words and deny to forgive you or listen to any of your reasons and act like a normal girl ? I just want to win your love again so I want to know whom you gonna love more? the real me ? or the ordinary version of me?
4 . You said me that I proved your thinking right again that I had been there at MM to use you again for my mission...Okay , again I agree with you respecting your thinking , but then II would like to know, what I exactly should do in this situation ? Should I ignore the trouble of elders and just run behind my love to win his trust back ? when on the first place he has already denied to trust in my love? Would you be able to love such a selfish version of your swara? or that person will not be your Swara actually.. My begging , pleading in front of you makes no sense for you just because I wanted help from you to save our(or your whatever you wish to think) family from evil ? I wanted help from you as you are my husband and I feel safe, secured and confident when you are with me, but you took it as my intention to use you again even when you have seen me begging in front of you so that you trust in my love again... So now you say me, what exactly i should do now? stay away from your family and you ? well that I can't do until I become completely selfish and self centered and stop loving you and that will happen only when I die , so now say me what should I do if I can't stop caring for others problem ? and before that say me do you really want me not to care for anybody and become someone who is not actually the person you used to love,but something else ?
5. And the final question is , What punishment you gonna give me again in future if even after taking so many precautions, I make any mistake even by mistake? As the minimum punishment you gave me for doubting you was to give me divorce papers and insist me to end our relationship (provided that I really don't know whether you have any other plan behind doing so or not as you did not make anything clear to me and I have no right to question you , I m expected to understand that you have some reasons or I deserve all these, so okay I am thinking it that way only)
As I will measure my every step before doing anything in future if you make it clear that our marriage will be the minimum thing that gonna get affected if I do any mistake in future ? I hope till now you consider it my mistakes , and not my crime? You are well known about all the situations that made me the way I am , nobody spared me when the issue of forgiving or understanding me had come before them , My dad always misunderstood me and showed his trust for my sister , my sister still giving me punishment for being the first love of her husband, Lakshya gave me punishment for something I did not do actually, my mom-in-laws gave me punishment of "kidnapping Ragini" when they used to trust Ragini , and now you , finally you are giving me punishment for doubting on you , i am very happy to realize that I have nobody in my life with whom I am free to do any mistake without the fear that he \she will never give it back to me... Yes I am really really happy , this feeling making me strong day by day , giving me strength of bearing the humiliation I am going through , the pain I had gone through when you told me "baharwale", "asli rang dikhate hai" etc , giving me strength to realize that I am just a Appreciation lover nonsense who doesn't actually care for anybody just do drama of caring... Thank you Sanskar , you became my strength again , even if you didn't wanted to be ...
So my final question is what exactly your punishment will be for me if I repeat any of my mistake even unknowingly..I am sure your words will again give me strength to realize something exciting again about myself.
Sanskar , once again, I am really happy that you are giving me punishment and I have no complain against you as I know I deserve all these for hurting you and I will continue thinking so as I love you and I can completely feel your pain that you felt because of my mistakes, so I will accept any type of punishments you gonna give me in future... this is just my confusions I placed before you so that you help me not to repeat my mistakes again and fix everything what is wrong in our relationship.
~with Love
SWARA
Kumkum Bhagya
Tu Dhadkan Main Dil
Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi 2
