I am stuck in limbo. I have absolutely no idea where I am. You could call it being lost Sunny.
The only thing which I see in front of me is you. Your life.
I know I am dead. Yet I am not oblivion yet.
I do not know what this is. Nothing i ever knew on earth will ever explain all this. I am like a baby re-learning everything. Or maybe its nothing. I don't know Sunny. I have not met God yet. So maybe I have some unfinished business left. You.
You remember me too much Sunny. Maybe thats why I cannot leave completely. Your thoughts reach me, and I find you struggling to dredge out the nuances of my earthly face. You struggle to hold on to my memories..as they slip away. I have got no sense of time or self anymore Sunny..but it must have been a very long time since I was murdered. It must, because knowing you, you would never forget me in a hurry.
You talk to me everyday since I died. Pain as I had never felt before knifed into me from your thoughts. Your pain of losing me. How are you still existing Sunny? You used to think that death would be better than this pain. You used to dream of dying and waking up in a new world with me.
I watched over you as you climbed the ladders of success. I smiled over you, as the piercing agony dulled to a smarting throb, and then burnt up in a senseless craving of vendetta.
Destruction is agony Sunny. But its the only way of revival. Only with forgiveness can come any hope of new beginnings.
I am not tied to anyone anymore Sunny. Detached and airy...I worry about you, yet somehow, it will never bother me again. I am past that. But you have held on for so long...and you were the person who mattered most to me in life. So maybe, before I pass into the stage where nothing matters anymore...you who mattered and to whom i mattered...needs to be restored.
I am happy that an angel came to you for your salvation. I looked on as all the needless longing of a desperate creature set forth a hell of grief. And I watched you. You were being re-modelled. Sunny, my laughing, happy, witty, capable and headstrong Sunny...was slowly coming out from behind the walls which had brambled him in a cocoon of loneliness and aches and weary resentment and anger.
You have to live Sunny. You have to hope. The angel that came for you will teach you hope and love. You know how to love. You forgot.
As you lie down to sleep, I watch you dream. I still appear, weaving in and out of them. You used to cry out in fear over and over again for a long time, when our separation clawed at you. You used to see me and you walk around, chirping and happy, springing with the life that will never be. You used to long for everything to be back to what it once was. You wanted the past back. That cannot be Sunny.
Then they turned blind. When dreams turn blind, they become nightmares. No hope. No faith.
But there are new dreams now. I am glad.
They speak of that angel and you. On earth, I would have been envious of any other person even daring to come into your thoughts. Now, I feel serene that she has penetrated that strata in you.
But you are still afraid Sunny. Fear of rejection. A guttural terror of loving and breaking and never healing again.
Don't be. We were not meant to be together in this life Sunny. I do not know how I know that. But I know it. She and you are. There is something called destiny Sunny. Nobody can or will ever figure it out. And nobody will ever rule over it. You can mold your actions Sunny. But not Providence.
There is Karma, there is Fate...and there is God.
She will make you breathe with freedom again. And you will make her fly in pleasure. Live out your life with her Sunny. Love her more than you love me. Find her in your heart, teach her to find you. Do not worry about me. I was and still am your heart. But I want you to give my place up to her.
I will see you again. And if there is another life...I hope we can be together. But for now, you are free. Let me go.
I waft out of your bed chambers...and blow you a blessing. You roll over and smile dearly. and the draught from my departure ruffles your hair.
Do not be alone anymore. Heal. And find joy. Find peace.
Au revoir Sunny.
Anupamaa
Cricket
